Scared, Distant and Alone

[hazmat333]

Hi all, I've just recently began utilizing this site, and right now I'm looking for a bit of clarity or maybe some sort of ray of hope? I'm feeling totally lost and I'm terrified because in my 20 years of living, I've never experienced such a rapid decline of mental/emotional health. I was diagnosed with depression and bipolar disorder 9 years ago but that doesn't even compare to this feeling.

It's been about 4.5 months since I started using mephedrone (we were told it was MDMA and we were too stupid to test it.), It originally was a "fun" weekend thing with my fiance. What was supposed to be a once in a while thing, quickly turned into us being on it almost every single weekend from the end of June to the first week in November.

At some point (about 2 months ago) I developed a serious problem with it, and I was doing it by myself, I managed to stop for a few weeks and continued just using it on the weekend with my fiance.

The past 2 months have been rough, but everything has been spiraling downward for around 3 weeks now. Basically I've been using by myself again, feeding my addiction and helping it grow to the point that now I feel like I'm drowning. In the last 2 weeks I've been to the emergency room and kept overnight between 4 and 6 times due to adverse effects that I've never experienced. I haven't been using more than usual so I think my body is just starting to reject the drug, and now I have such a big problem that I can't stop taking the drug even though I'm visibly destroying myself.

I stopped for 1 day and I was more agitated than I have ever been in my entire life. I know I need rehab and/or to be admitted to an inpatient psych facility (I've been in many psych hospitals over the years bc of my depression) I'm just afraid of being out of my comfort zone when I'm already so fucked up.

I'm terrified to see how this addiction is going to end, whether I overdose or lose my head and do something that can't be undone (suicide) or actually get help. I just don't know what it's going to take me me to get a grip.

If anyone actually reads all of this even though my thoughts are all over the place (it's because of the drugs, I used to be so well composed) and can offer any sort of encouragement or advice I'd REALLY appreciate it more than I can explain.

Thanks for reading.

 

[Maya]

^just always remember that you need to be strong and have that will power no matter what happens. You recognize that you have an addiction and will cause more problems in the future if you continued to abuse drugs. Take a step back and slowly work on getting help or getting better. It takes time to be well and to be able to hold a strong grip and control of the situation. Get as much help as you need and dont over think about what negative things you might do to yourself in the future. You need to think of the now, how you can seek help and kick off the habit.

 

[Erikmen]

I agree with Maya.
@hazmat, I noticed in your post that you´ve mentioned that you are concerned about being in a facility place where you would be out of your comfortable zone.
And if I may add, that how these places are supposed to work to you can reconstruct yourself, so to speak.
When you go to rehabs you get out of your comfortable zone and go through a rebuilding program.
You are still very young and your chances of recovery are very positive. You still have an entire life to live and you should maybe think about that.
The world will become different as you grow older and mature.
As obvious as this might be to you, it can really work if you give it a change.
Good luck!

 

[twistedhunter]

i used to abuse methylone, was told it was mdma, and i did it every weekend and fucking loved it. at first. then i startd to do it alone and could tell my brain was a lot slower. the comedowns got harsher and harsher and it made me super depressed. if its causing major problems in your life, then maybe rehab or counselor and NA meetings is what u need. u can mesage me if you would like to talk as im new in recovery as well.

 

[mareseatoats]

Be strong! Stay away from that stuff. It is definitely hurting you. Help yourself now; it's a good time to.