Anyways the point is that I know how it is to be usin a decent amount, not no baby habit shit, and have it consume ur life....Now u got the advantage, or maybe the curse, of bein a undercover user...So its good in the way that it means that ur habit is in control enough that u can still function normally and have a job and shit. I was a low life drug dealing hustlin-ass scheme-runnin fast talkin little bitch, couldnt get a job , got arrested 3 times in 7 months, all kind of shit. I was a mess straight up.
And i tell u this cuz when u hear somebody who says "yea i was using like 5 bags a day sometimes, and i used almost every single day, but I got clean! after 6 months of bein addicted to sniffing dope, I got clean!" and you want to be like yo, mad respect for gettin clean, good for you, but I dont know if your technique will work for somebody like me who been usin and abusin and doin this shit for 7 years, 10 years, 15 yrs, w/ever. I shoot your weekly amount of bags in a day, on a BAD day. On a good day, who knows.
And it aint like ur lookin down on them, but u jsut feel like, I dont know if i can do that, i mean, i got a worse habit, Im a REAL fuck up, Hes a good kid who just messed up, he probly do just fine, he wasnt a REAL addicts, Im hopeless, I cant be helped, etc. We all think like that sometimes. So Im tellin you. I was definately alot more than a "hobby" user. I was a full speed ahead, balls to the wall, til death do us part dope feen. Wakin up with needles still in my arm, wakn up in a ambulance on the way to the hospital after OD'ing and ripping the IV's out of my arm to run out the hospital and go get the rest of my dope and get high again cuz they ruined such a great high . 8( Shit like that.
And my point is, if I can do it, you can do it. thats all.
Everybody always knew me as the person that they hated to admit it, but they figured I would be dead within a year if i didnt go to prison for gettin caught again. I had friends tell me that "no offense, but I never thought you would be able to do this. I always figured you would be one of the ones who just used til it put you in the ground" and shit like "I hate to say this but, yea, I kinda used to be scared for you, the shit you used to do made me be like holy mother of god, this girl fuckin lost it...Shes gonna die" and that was from a kid that I looked at as bein "crazy" who would do all kind of reckless shit and he was sayin I was the crazy one.
So i really suprised them, and my self when I got clean.
It started out as just somethin to do to keep my ass outta jail. I was on probation for 2 charges. One was a distribution and conspiracy charge that I pleaded out on , I caught a break cuz the police fucked up their warrants and it kept me out of prison. And the other one was for possession of 50 bags of dope. So if i violated one probation i violated both of them, got both my plea deals revoked, and got hit with two VOP sentences on top of that....So, pretty much if i pissed dirty I would be headin down state for a couple years at least.
I fucked up somehow and came up dirty and when my PO told me all this I was like beggin him not to take me to jail that night , they wanted to lock me up right on the spot and I finally talked him out of it, but I got hit with much harder restrictions, u know, some last chance shit, and I had to do IOP.
At that point I realized...Shit. I was going every 7 days, and I was using on the 1st and 2nd day then stayin clean til I went to probation again, and even with leavin myself 5 days to get clean, I had still violated and pissed dirty.
I realized that i had to stop playin the game. ..like before, I knew i was gamblin with some dangerous risks, but I felt like i had it under control, i could safely bet that id be ok and still use a few times a week....But once I realized that if i fucked up ONCE more, i was goin to prison, thats it, no question....It was like yo, I cant even afford to play no more. The stakes is sooo fuckin high, I just cant even be bettin on this shit.
And of course, IOP means u get 3 piss tests a week, randomly, so there aint no window of time that u can safely use in. Pretty much, i realized this is it. I got to ACTUALLY, TRULY get clean this time--I aint got no fuckin choice. Its either be clean here, or clean in state prison.
So I went home....
And copped dope....
And got suuuuper fall-down high.....(Stupid move, since my PO coulda called me in at any time before my appt with him the next week to try and catch me and see if i would fuck up) Just to show u how stupid I still was. That i had just got out of gettin locked up and knew i would if i used agan and i still went back and used. But you know, you gotta have your one last time....8)
Anyways, after that, i DID get clean. I got on the methadone clinic, cuz I was like yo, I need SOMETHING. I need that safety net, I need somethin to help me kick, I cant just do this alone, i dont want to and i dont need to.
So, i got on the clinic for a few months, and then I found out a bout a dr. near me who would prescribe methadone for MMT, for people who had pain issues and addiction issues. I got in a few car accidents a year or 2 ago, and I had a accident at work when i had slipped and fell on grease on the floor and fucked up my back pretty bad. So i actually got a legitimate back injury, MRI's n all that, so this dr was willing to help me out by givin me my own script for methadone. That way I could live a more normal life and not hav eto go to the stupid clinic everyday.
I ended up not goin to IOP, cuz I couldnt pay for it myself, and the only state sponsored program that my county would pay for in my area, was totally full and had a mad long waiting list. So instead I just went to one on one counseling once a week, which wasnt shit cuz the counselor saw that I was clean and that I understood the situation, and that I was more educated on addiction and how it works than he was, so he was like "why are u even here? u obviously dont need to be." After a few sessions he wrote a letter to my PO that he didnt think i needed to be there and that I was doin fine on my own so i was formally dismissed from counseling.
And thats about it yo--Im on methadone. thats my secret. Thats my success.
I have a reason not to use that is so strong that I just understand completely that I CANT DO IT. It aint a question of can i , should i, it just aint even a option. The same way that a person who aint never used drugs before, they dont have to "stay clean", they just ARE "clean" becuz they dont use--thats how it is for me these days.
I like the methadone. It does alot to hit all the same spots that diesel did, but without the high and the real addictive, feening shit. It makes me feel like everythings gonna be ok. It keeps me sane, on some calm shit...none of the anxiety and depression that I had on suboxone.
I really believe that i couldnt be doin this on sub. I know that when i used to be on it, i would feel so shitty, so depressed and just in general terrible that it was only a matter of time till i would use again. I hated it, it didnt help me, i felt all the same emotional struggle on it that i did when i was kickin without nothing, all it did was kind of dull down the physical part so i only felt 20% of it instead of 100%.
But methadone is different yo, it really worked for me.....I know its different for everyone....But methadone, I dont know how to explain it---Its like it makes me feel "reassured." I get that "it will all be all right' feeling that I use to get while I was on dope, and that I would feel the opposite of when I was on suboxone. On sub it was constant anxiety, i would get panic attacks sometimes for no reason, I felt so angry and irritable all the time, I was just a mess up in the head. It felt like everything was unsure, everything was a question. I didnt know how i would make it to tomorrow.
And i tell u this cuz when u hear somebody who says "yea i was using like 5 bags a day sometimes, and i used almost every single day, but I got clean! after 6 months of bein addicted to sniffing dope, I got clean!" and you want to be like yo, mad respect for gettin clean, good for you, but I dont know if your technique will work for somebody like me who been usin and abusin and doin this shit for 7 years, 10 years, 15 yrs, w/ever. I shoot your weekly amount of bags in a day, on a BAD day. On a good day, who knows.
And it aint like ur lookin down on them, but u jsut feel like, I dont know if i can do that, i mean, i got a worse habit, Im a REAL fuck up, Hes a good kid who just messed up, he probly do just fine, he wasnt a REAL addicts, Im hopeless, I cant be helped, etc. We all think like that sometimes. So Im tellin you. I was definately alot more than a "hobby" user. I was a full speed ahead, balls to the wall, til death do us part dope feen. Wakin up with needles still in my arm, wakn up in a ambulance on the way to the hospital after OD'ing and ripping the IV's out of my arm to run out the hospital and go get the rest of my dope and get high again cuz they ruined such a great high . 8( Shit like that.
And my point is, if I can do it, you can do it. thats all.
Everybody always knew me as the person that they hated to admit it, but they figured I would be dead within a year if i didnt go to prison for gettin caught again. I had friends tell me that "no offense, but I never thought you would be able to do this. I always figured you would be one of the ones who just used til it put you in the ground" and shit like "I hate to say this but, yea, I kinda used to be scared for you, the shit you used to do made me be like holy mother of god, this girl fuckin lost it...Shes gonna die" and that was from a kid that I looked at as bein "crazy" who would do all kind of reckless shit and he was sayin I was the crazy one.
So i really suprised them, and my self when I got clean.
It started out as just somethin to do to keep my ass outta jail. I was on probation for 2 charges. One was a distribution and conspiracy charge that I pleaded out on , I caught a break cuz the police fucked up their warrants and it kept me out of prison. And the other one was for possession of 50 bags of dope. So if i violated one probation i violated both of them, got both my plea deals revoked, and got hit with two VOP sentences on top of that....So, pretty much if i pissed dirty I would be headin down state for a couple years at least.
I fucked up somehow and came up dirty and when my PO told me all this I was like beggin him not to take me to jail that night , they wanted to lock me up right on the spot and I finally talked him out of it, but I got hit with much harder restrictions, u know, some last chance shit, and I had to do IOP.
At that point I realized...Shit. I was going every 7 days, and I was using on the 1st and 2nd day then stayin clean til I went to probation again, and even with leavin myself 5 days to get clean, I had still violated and pissed dirty.
I realized that i had to stop playin the game. ..like before, I knew i was gamblin with some dangerous risks, but I felt like i had it under control, i could safely bet that id be ok and still use a few times a week....But once I realized that if i fucked up ONCE more, i was goin to prison, thats it, no question....It was like yo, I cant even afford to play no more. The stakes is sooo fuckin high, I just cant even be bettin on this shit.
And of course, IOP means u get 3 piss tests a week, randomly, so there aint no window of time that u can safely use in. Pretty much, i realized this is it. I got to ACTUALLY, TRULY get clean this time--I aint got no fuckin choice. Its either be clean here, or clean in state prison.
So I went home....
And copped dope....
And got suuuuper fall-down high.....(Stupid move, since my PO coulda called me in at any time before my appt with him the next week to try and catch me and see if i would fuck up) Just to show u how stupid I still was. That i had just got out of gettin locked up and knew i would if i used agan and i still went back and used. But you know, you gotta have your one last time....8)
Anyways, after that, i DID get clean. I got on the methadone clinic, cuz I was like yo, I need SOMETHING. I need that safety net, I need somethin to help me kick, I cant just do this alone, i dont want to and i dont need to.
So, i got on the clinic for a few months, and then I found out a bout a dr. near me who would prescribe methadone for MMT, for people who had pain issues and addiction issues. I got in a few car accidents a year or 2 ago, and I had a accident at work when i had slipped and fell on grease on the floor and fucked up my back pretty bad. So i actually got a legitimate back injury, MRI's n all that, so this dr was willing to help me out by givin me my own script for methadone. That way I could live a more normal life and not hav eto go to the stupid clinic everyday.
I ended up not goin to IOP, cuz I couldnt pay for it myself, and the only state sponsored program that my county would pay for in my area, was totally full and had a mad long waiting list. So instead I just went to one on one counseling once a week, which wasnt shit cuz the counselor saw that I was clean and that I understood the situation, and that I was more educated on addiction and how it works than he was, so he was like "why are u even here? u obviously dont need to be." After a few sessions he wrote a letter to my PO that he didnt think i needed to be there and that I was doin fine on my own so i was formally dismissed from counseling.
And thats about it yo--Im on methadone. thats my secret. Thats my success.
I have a reason not to use that is so strong that I just understand completely that I CANT DO IT. It aint a question of can i , should i, it just aint even a option. The same way that a person who aint never used drugs before, they dont have to "stay clean", they just ARE "clean" becuz they dont use--thats how it is for me these days.
I like the methadone. It does alot to hit all the same spots that diesel did, but without the high and the real addictive, feening shit. It makes me feel like everythings gonna be ok. It keeps me sane, on some calm shit...none of the anxiety and depression that I had on suboxone.
I really believe that i couldnt be doin this on sub. I know that when i used to be on it, i would feel so shitty, so depressed and just in general terrible that it was only a matter of time till i would use again. I hated it, it didnt help me, i felt all the same emotional struggle on it that i did when i was kickin without nothing, all it did was kind of dull down the physical part so i only felt 20% of it instead of 100%.
But methadone is different yo, it really worked for me.....I know its different for everyone....But methadone, I dont know how to explain it---Its like it makes me feel "reassured." I get that "it will all be all right' feeling that I use to get while I was on dope, and that I would feel the opposite of when I was on suboxone. On sub it was constant anxiety, i would get panic attacks sometimes for no reason, I felt so angry and irritable all the time, I was just a mess up in the head. It felt like everything was unsure, everything was a question. I didnt know how i would make it to tomorrow.