San Francisco Meth User Trying to Avoid Social Stigma

[Metaforest]

I'm a 30 year old woman from the East Bay Area and I've been using meth for about 3 years. I live in a "polyamorous" household with my boyfriend, his wife (who both use as well), and her boyfriend (who doesn't use any drugs at all). We are a relatively functional bunch, though at the moment that is primarily thanks to the hard work of the guys since they earn the vast majority of our overall income (I know, how progressive of us right?).

The thing to know about me is that I have a deep and pervasive aversion to shame and stigma. Whereas some people seem to be motivated to change a behavior if other people make them feel ashamed about it, I tend to have the opposite reaction. Being told that I am powerless to control my own life because I am addicted to a drug, or even being told that there must be some inner turmoil or emotional problem that is causing me to use drugs, these kinds of messages only become self-fulfilling prophecies for me. I feel more powerless and less able to honestly deal with my own emotions. I truly believe that empowerment, acceptance, and unconditional positive regard are the only ways to "help" me (see what I mean? I don't even like using that kind of language, I mean, maybe I don't need "help" )

My mom is a substance abuse counselor, and I'm sure this has played an important role here. That being said, I find myself in a constant game of tug-of-war that goes something like this:

Thought: Before I started doing meth I just smoked a lot of weed and watched movies. Whereas now I'm much more motivated to pursue creative interests and I have been more productive in that way.
Counter-thought: Or maybe I'm just trying to justify my drug use.

Thought: I should try and be aware of my emotions and remain reasonable and objective so that I don't become all paranoid and accusatory like I have seen other meth users do. A lot of that is based on the person's predisposition.
Counter Thought: Or maybe it is purely genetic and chemical and I have no control over whether or not I completely lose my grip on reality and I'm trying to minimize these risks because I am terrified of going crazy.

And so on.

So the primary reason I sought out this kind of forum is because I almost feel like I can't be friends with people who don't use. No one else I know seems to have this problem, but probably the most harmful side effect I have suffered from has been social anxiety. So yeah, basically, I need friends that like to get high and aren't ashamed of it, because for me empowerment and being without fear of failure or ashamed of one's shortcomings is a the most important aspect of harm reduction. Any takers? %)

 

[motiv311]

I think you are kidding yourself a bit, it sounds like you are trying to talk yourself out of having a moral dilemma, or feeling ashamed.... But you see if you weren't really ashamed , you would be able to be friends with non-drug-users, because you wouldn't allow there criticisms of you (either actually voiced, or imagined) to affect your relationship. You also claim that all you did before you started meth was smoke weed and watch TV and that you didn't have any career goals or interests, and this too is a mute point because even though you 'feel' like super productive on meth , its only a temporariy effect and often is totally skewed because all the dopamine in your brain is making you feel so 'on top of things' - yet if you really really think about it, more likely meth is dramatically cutting you off from truly accomplishing any one particular thing in your life....

for me, meth has caused my dreams of being a succesful music artist to be put on "hold" for ten years.... I did get lots of songwriting done, and aquired tons of used electronic music gear and stuff, but lets be honest. What I needed to really be doing was relying on plain old discipline and work ethic to finish ONE THING AT A TIME, to completion.... I gave up meth last may, and my life and my band and everything has improved like 5 fold! i wish i would have done this 10 years ago, who knows where id be know if i had had the insight to do that. I had many similar thought, counter-thought type wieghings of right and wrong , and in the end , I was terribly conflicted because I knew what I was doing with drugs was wrong; and that my justifications for using methamphetamine were just excuses and lies. btw i am 29 years old now

 

[Big Bird Gemini]

Metaforest,
I am assuming that don't feel ashamed about your living arrangement. You must be fairly confident and pragmatic to embrace the romantic and sexual dynamics there. I'm no one to judge, who knows--maybe I'm slightly turned on.

You can be friends with anyone. Less talk=better with any drug use. You seem smart. Keep your life "together" and carry on with business as usual. Unless you stay completely tweaked out all the time, 98.999% of people will have no clue.

You said your mom is a substance abuse counselor. She doesn't need to know your business either. In the past, I provided too much information to my mother, sister, and a few close family members. Bad idea-never again.

I'll be your friend. I like to get high and guess what, I have many successful and thriving friends who have no idea of my doc's. Be real with yourself, find one person you trust completely, otherwise tell no one anything that could cause issues.

By the way, I like kush and ice among other things.

 

[Smoky]

Hi, Welcome to Bluelight ! !

NMI --- > Drug Culture.

 

[SirTophamHat]

Sounds like you are self conscious and slightly paranoid. Not uncommon at all.

Have a benzo (horrible advice in the long-term) and solve your cognitive dissonance by either quitting or accepting yourself.