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Salvia Divinorum ruined my life (Schizophrenia/PTSD??)

T

TdotMucky

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Joined
Apr 25, 2017
Messages
7
back in 2007 i was dosed with this stuff and told it wouldnt do anythhing. took the maximum hit and held it down for as long as i could hold my breath. breathed it out and felt a pang of regret. entered the most hellish experience a human being could possibly endure.

felt like a near death experience into hell, forgot i took the drug, universe ended etc etc. the usual stuff

whats strange is about 6 months later i literally lost my mind, became delusional had psychosis etc.

10 years later im a vegetable, although all doctors say i do not have schizophrenia, there is no evidence for it.

so basically its PTSD. although my perceptions are completely warped the universe is completely dark and obscure. i know its the salvia causing this because i have sensations from the trip that i cant bare, every time i see a pattern or something with layers i feel it, i have constant fear of the trip reoccuring and live in perpetual horror and torment.

i must be the unluckiest guy alive because im pretty sure this hasnt happened to any body else on the face of the planet.

its so bad and unbelievable that 50% of me believes im the only being that exists because nothing this bad an heinous could ever happen to anybody in real life.

10 years deep and its unrelenting, now being hit with depression so bad i cant get out of bed OR the horror/fear of the trip reoccuring. i cycle between those 2 states.

i just started psychotherapy which i cant even afford as am impoverished as it is, too sick to work or anything. but feels like its the only option so ill just go through the motions with it.

what kind of government legalises this stuff in powerful extracts so idiots can go around dosing people for fun, and causing them to live like this? what kind of sick shit is that?



is the only option suicide? why am i the only person this has happened to?
 
sorry to hear about that. I haven't read many cases of Salvia causing lasting negative consequences for its users but they're not unheard of. One user claims he got a lasting case of PTSD from Salvia usage that left him suffering with suicidal ideation and is attributed to his taking up a opioid habit (post #9 at: http://bluelight.org/vb/threads/603163-Salvia-Divinorum-Semi-experienced-amp-a-First-Timer-Into-Deep?highlight=salvia).

Keep engaging in the healing process and don't give up. I empathize with how difficult this whole experience has been for you, but focus on your healing and try not to be discouraged. Wish you a complete recovery from this ordeal.
 
This happened to me with ayahuasca, but not as severe.

Maybe if you actually took salvia again? I mean what have you got to lose. Maybe you can do some repair work. That's what I did, took some more ayahuasca and feel better, though not normal.

Yeah I would honestly do more salvia if it was me, until I can maybe understand it better, that's just my opinion though, what else can you do?
 
I'm really sorry this happened to you. You need to turn your life around 100%, what ever that means. I suggest you sign up for a 10 day Vipassana retreat. And when you are there, embrace it fully. Be aware that these 10 days will be really hard work though, but for sure it will make you feel better, and give you new insights that you can use to improve your life. I don't think you should do salvia again, but it sure is possible that something like ayahuasca in a therapeuthic setting might help you. Then again, I think meditation will be so much better for you, and doing more drugs could just as well make it worse, so it's a huge risk. Good luck.

https://www.dhamma.org/en-US/index
 
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Hey man, the same thing happened to me in march 2008. My flat mate moved out because his mother had cancer and I was scared to even walk past the hallway/kitchen/living room where it all took place. I think I had a form of PTSD, but it was all just so fucking bizarre that I didn't dare raise it with a doctor. I felt like my life was all about this salvia thing, and it felt like a prophecy when it happened. It felt like I could be the toy in a repeating hell and everybody was in on it. I was able to logically deconstruct and resist this idea, so thankfully it didn't overtake me (truman syndrome style). I do not have psychosis and have taken psychs since, so it seems to me that rather than being 'prone' the salvia quite simply presented an idea to me that was just so freakishly disturbing that it scared the living fuck out of me.

The flashbacks were the same as with you seemingly - sudden and fleeting feelings of the salvia reality, and a feeling that it could be triggered and shown to to be the 'true reality' (as explicitly stated on the drug and lived at the time), and it felt as if I could take part in some kind of either miniscule or complex event which would trigger it. So stuff like a sudden thought of (say, when turning a light on) "if I flick this light switch everything will start stacking to infinity and a voice will announce that my life is a joke". I would then get a sudden feeling of " remembering" or momentarily experiencing salvia and it would jarr me to the bones and alarm my very soul.

I developed a vast and expanding repository of words that were not initially associated with the experience, but came to be associated with it. I've thankfully forgotten most of these words (very relevant to the way I am now... positive outcome incoming), but they were words like game... and that's actually the only one I can think of (that is really very significant), because I watched The Game and it reminded me intensely of salvia. However I had dozens of these words which had sweet fuck all to do with the initial experience, words that I dwelled and elaborated on, and they would serve as triggers. Closely associated words would be added to the repository.

There was a strong insinuation whilst on salvia that I should smoke more, and had to repeat the experience. The album I put on afterwards even seemed to sing of this 'fact'. I got all kinds of weird synchronicity, and dissociatives expanded upon this greatly. I think some troubling acid + ketamine combos in the following months really contributed some strange new ideas and triggers. I was deeply scared for six years.

I am now not scared of salvia (well, sort of), and have taken it since, two years back. I took it on three occasions for closure. My world not ending was sooo fucking very comforting. I haven't had a flashback in ages, and had largely dealt with it at the time of taking it (or I wouldn't have even looked at salvia, let alone smoked it).

The way that I got to this stage and got over this severe trauma, is actually very simple, and sounds too obvious. I bet you'll struggle with it, if you haven't already. All that I did was actively change my attitude towards it, and stop thinking about it. Instead of "oh fuck no I'm thinking about it again, this is terrifyingly disturbing", and then indulging it by thinking extensively about it for the next few hours (humans are weird like this), instead I quite simply said " haha oh yeah, *that* thing again. Oh well, nothing I can do. No point indulging negative sketchy shit, is there? Let's mooovve on and think about something slightly less odd". Like basically adopting a really jokey, blase, casual attitude.

I honestly think this is the great lesson it taught me, and one of the greatest things you can know. You are in control of your own mind, if you so wish it. It was/is an active process, but I don't get triggered anymore, so I can think about it if I please.

Honestly man, just think; your main problem is that you can't stop thinking about salvia. If you could only delete the thought it wouldn't be such an issue. Well you can't delete it, but you can avoid it and stop panicking over it. Sounds too simple, I know. I don't really practice meditation but I guess I practice mindfulness, even though I only know of that term because it became popular. Meditation and mindfulness will help you. It's no bullshit response, it was my cure!

Feel free to PM me mam; in fact, please do, and all my love to you. Trust me, I get it. Big love. <3
 
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"All that I did was actively change my attitude towards it, and stop thinking about it. Instead of "oh fuck no I'm thinking about it again, this is terrifyingly disturbing", and then indulging it by thinking extensively about it for the next few hours (humans are weird like this), instead I quite simply said " haha oh yeah, *that* thing again. Oh well, nothing I can do. No point indulging negative sketchy shit, is there? Let's mooovve on and think about something slightly less odd"

Bad experiences with substances or not, that's just good life advice.
 
ive got all the symptoms of PTSD

particually violent outbursts when im drunk, i drink to self medicate then get violent and get into all sorts of madness. just did 5 weeks in prison because of one of those events.

so im going crazy with this shit, having outbursts and ending up in prison. so i dont get any help i just get punished when i do something wrong. and the judge had the nerve to say my drinking is my own fault and im doing it on purpose.

i have to drink to get rid of the fear

ive been around the block with valium etc and it just leads to me getting depedent on it then having to come off it so now they will NEVER give it to me anymore.
 
You have PTSD for sure. You need to grab the problem by the balls and turn it around. First you need to stop selfmedicating. Stop all alcohol and other drugs/medication. It will just make your life worse by exchanging one problem for another.

First, you need psychotherapy now! It's first line threatment for PTSD. Second, find a buddhist meditation course. I already suggested vipassana 10 day courses. They don't cost anything and even include room and board. Don't expect it to be easy though. It's harder than a marathon.

Non of this comes by itself though. You have to take the first step. You have to turn your life around. You have to stop selfmedicating. You have to change the way you look at things. You have to seek psychotherapy. Only you can help you right now. Help yourself.

I'm sorry this happened to you, but there is no easy, quick fix. Only the long hard road.
 
im getting psychotherapy now, for for ?40 per 50 minute session once a week. really expensive for me, and i dont think one session a week will be enough :(
 
TdotMucky said:
im getting psychotherapy now, for for ?40 per 50 minute session once a week. really expensive for me, and i dont think one session a week will be enough :(
Click to expand...

The meditation is free and you can start now. It's really important to learn to separate your thoughts from your self. In the UK we have donation based courses. You don't have to pay, and not immediately anyway. They ask people to pay what they considered the worth to be, for other people to be able to do the course, if/when they get back on their feet/come across some cash. Or you can use youtube/books or whatever.

Did I read you say that somebody had administered salvia to you unbeknownst to you?
 
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