It reads like broken prose. For the purposes of illustration, I've compiled it into paragraph form.
The bitter taste of regret stung his tongue like a rusty razorblade. He thought it might hurt but the physical pain was not felt through the torture his heart hexed him with on every bone and organ like an ice-cold fire charring the entirety of his battered black and white body. The poison ran deeper than the furthest depths of the darkest ocean. The salt water, like an irate wasp, stung the multitude of open wounds, wounds that were very old but refused to close like a door without hinges or locks; the frame had become mangled from years of abuse and mistreatment. No one tries to fix that which cannot be repaired, but he kept it very close like a child that refuses to loosen his grip on a tattered security blanket. At one time it was everything right in the world, everything that gave him meaning and purpose, but without his true love the man was an icey void, an airless abyss of apathy and self-destruction stuck in a cycle of heartbreak and pain. No, this razor does not evoke any new feeling, it perpetuates an undying and unchanging emptiness of which there is no escape.
The metaphors/similes are in bold. There are so many contrasting images, delivered so rapidly that they end up detracting from each other. Some of the concepts shift between literal things and similes/metaphors. The rusty razor, at the beginning of the poem, is a description of regret. Regret is the thing. Later, the razor is referred to directly despite it having been established as adjectival. It goes on from here, into the second sentence. You continue to refer to the razor. (Regret doesn't cause physical pain.)
He thought (the razor) might hurt but the physical pain was not felt through the torture his heart hexed him with on every bone and organ like an ice-cold fire charring the entirety of his battered black and white body.
There is way too much going on in this sentence. The physical pain of the razor, his torturous heart, the ice-cold fire and his black and white body. Also I'm not sure why his body is monochromatic; it is the only part of the poem that doesn't make sense to me at all.
The second and third sentences are the strongest. Particularly "salt water, like an irate wasp," which is by far the best simile/metaphor.
The poison ran deeper than the furthest depths of the darkest ocean. The salt water, like an irate wasp, stung the multitude of open wounds,
...but it trails off after that. You get lost a little with the open wound imagery. A door without hinges or locks would fail to open, not close. How can it be open if it has no hinges? The image is confusing. Elaborating about the detereorating frame of the door just makes it more confusing. If it has no hinges, and it's open, how is it even connected to a frame? I don't get a good mental image from this line:
wounds that were very old but refused to close like a door without hinges or locks; the frame had become mangled from years of abuse and mistreatment
Onto sentence four. People do attempt to fix things that cannot be repaired all the time, so that didn't make sense to me. It reads like you're talking about the door. You've just been talking about a broken door, which is really a wound. Then you say nobody tries to fix broken things. So he doesn't try to fix the door (let his wound heal) but he keeps it very close? I'm not sure how you keep a wound close. The wording needs to be re-arranged a bit there.
No one tries to fix that which cannot be repaired, but he kept it very close like a child that refuses to loosen his grip on a tattered security blanket.
Which brings us to sentence five. It is unclear what you are referring to. What was everything right in the world? The wound? The razor? I don't see how either of these options make sense. Neither the razor (regret) nor the broken door (the open wound) existed before he lost his true love. The only thing I can think of is that you are talking about love. Love gave him meaning and purpose; until it was taken away from him, leaving an icey void.
At one time it was everything right in the world, everything that gave him meaning and purpose, but without his true love the man was an icey void,
This is the second best simile/metaphor. The first part of it, anyway. Because you are mixing metaphors it becomes confusing. The syntax is wrong. The man is an abyss stuck in a cycle. Is the abyss stuck in the cycle. Or is the man? Appropriate punctuation could clarify this. Personally I would just remove the second half. We already know he's heartbroken and in pain. It doesn't add anything. Stop at self-destruction.
an airless abyss of apathy and self-destruction stuck in a cycle of heartbreak and pain.
No, this razor does not evoke any new feeling, it perpetuates an undying and unchanging emptiness of which there is no escape.
This last sentence requires the least amount of work. As I said before, I have a slight issue with you returning to the adjectival razor at the end of the poem. There are so many images between the two mentions of the razor that we lose track of it. If it is the focal image, it should have somewhat of a constant presence. The use of the word "this" doesn't help. It implies that you've been talking about the razor the whole time, which you haven't. This can be solved easily by toning down and/or removing some of the other - less important - metaphorical parts of the poem.
This is it, with the changes I've suggested. I think it flows a little better and is more concise.
regret stings his tongue like a rusty razorblade
the pain numbed by his torturous heart
poison running deeper than the darkest ocean;
salt water, like an irate wasp to an ancient wound
he kept it close; once, it was everything right in the world
everything that gave him meaning and purpose
now, without love, he is an icey void
an airless abyss of apathy and self-destruction
the razor does not evoke
it perpetuates
an undying and unchanging
emptiness
of which there is no escape
I also changed around the tense slightly. The original poem was written in past tense, except for the last stanza and the line about fixing things which cannot be repaired. Logically the last stanza should be in the same tense as the rest of the poem. The poem should be in present tense, not past. If it is in past tense, your nameless subject no longer feels these things. That is the implication anyway, that he used to feel them. It is written in the passive voice. It stung him rather than it stings. You should always avoid the passive, unless there is a particular reason for it; it lengthens the distance from reader to character. It is like watching a film about a man reflecting on his life rather than watching a film about a man's life. As I said, restrospect has it's place. Past tense is a useful tool. I just don't think it is adding anything to this poem. It just makes things confusing again. The man
was an icey void. What happened to him; is he still an icey void; if not, why not? If you insist on writing this in past tense, these questions need to be addressed. If he was a void; if he is no longer heartbroken: then why does the razor still exist in the present tense? It would make more sense (in terms of continuity) if the last stanza was:
No, this razor did[u/] not evoke
any new feeling, it perpetuated[u/] an
undying and unchanging emptiness of which
there was[u/] no escape.
Which - as you can see - is way too passive, especially for the conclusion of a poem crammed full of such intense imagery.
