Rough domination unhealthy for relationship?

[YaBa]

Most of the girls fantasize about rough domination, right? Being really taken like a slut, physically and verbally. And like really rough, not just couple of dirty names and slap on a butt. But does any of you have real life experience what happens to the girl, after her fantasy comes true? Is it unhealthy for normal sex life and relationship?

Why I'm thinking this is, that about a week ago we had that kind of experience with my gf. She've never been too much into sex, like to make me happy but not so interested about herself. She have never experienced orgasm and never masturbated. Week ago we talked a lot about sex while I was on ice and started to talk about fantasies and she told that she don't have any. I just gave her few ideas about being forced, taken against her will and so on and she got excited about the idea. Then things got little out of hand and one thing lead to another, but she experienced total, brutal, rough domination, genuine fear, crying, verbal humiliation and embarrassment of having her first orgasm being treated like that. While that was maybe best sexual experience I have ever had, being able to completely dominate someone like that and force her to have her first orgasm while you watch, I'm afraid what this will do to her sexuality and our relationship. After really getting into your roles as happened you feel kind of wrong and ashamed when its over. You feel like it was too much. You feel like you shouldn't have done that, but you still in your twisted mind want more. That would be fine with your fuck buddy, but in serious relationship, dominating and humiliating other really hard makes you feel awkward and makes you unsure what to think of and what to do in the future.

Anyway, after all the craziness we talked about the fact, that next time sober will not feel like that and will easily feel rather boring. I have tried to be as open as possible about what happened and talk with her like it's not a big deal, but I'm not sure if she really thinks the same way. And even when you talk about it before it happens, actually feeling how there is 'something' missing was quite disappointing and sad. I have ruined my dirty brain already quite well with all the internet porn and crazy sex sessions, and kind of know how to handle that feeling and understand that it's just result of mind blowing experience. But now I'm little bit worried about what that experience did to her young, virgin mind. I'm afraid that experience like that first time when you are actually really enjoying sex will make her future sex life dull and she will need stimulation like that to feel satisfied. And if she lets her mind go, I'm afraid that she will need more and more and end up doing something that she regret - like cheating for example.

I know that cheating part is bit far fetched, but I'm worried that this will fuck up our awesome relationship somehow. I'm really in love for the first time in my live and I think she honestly loves me back. Everything is really good and I want everything to stay like that also. That's why I would like to hear about others experiences on the subject. Does experience like that change you? How we should handle this? What we should talk so we both feel good about everything what happened? Should we do it again? Is this kind of fantasies better to leave in you imagination? Is extremely rough sex unhealthy for relationship, even if both enjoy the actual act (but might feel bad afterwards)? Or am I just worrying too much and should just take it easy and have fun?

 

[Tude]

I have no experience with what you posted...I think. I skimmed through your post-I'm lazy, I know. Anyways, not all girls have fantasies like that. I sure don't. It's a complete turn-off. To each their own.

 

[YaBa]

Thank's for your reply anyway

I didn't mean that every girl would get turned on by that kind of things, just that it's kind of common for girls to have fantasies like that. At least what I have talked with many of my friends and read from articles. Please women, correct me if I'm wrong!

 

[Tude]

Y'all just need to communicate on what you like and what you don't. Come up with a safe word.

 

[Pagey]

Hmm, I agree there are a lot of girls who like to be dominated a little, but I'm really not sure fantasies for that kind of intense domination are that common...or if they are, they often just stay at the stage of fantasies, without there being any real wish for them to be carried out.
I have to ask - was she aware of what exactly you meant by 'rough'? Because 'genuine fear' and 'crying' don't sound positive in any way to me. The 'genuine' is actually kind of disturbing. No matter how much into BDSM the both of you may be, neither partner should never feel genuinely afraid.
Honestly reading your post, to me it doesn't sound like the biggest risk for her now is to cheat or whatever, it's more that she might actually regret that experience and have all sorts of negative feelings towards it. I dunno, maybe I'm exaggerating all this but it really does sound like you took the word 'rough' a little too far. Don't think there's much you can do at this point than talk about it though...and if she does admit she's having some negative thoughts, be there for her and help her through it.
Anyway, I definitely think this sounded way too intense for someone very inexperienced with sex; but well, hopefully I'm wrong. I've done BDSM plenty of times and it never changed anything, but it also wasn't anywhere near that violent so can't really testify...

 

[pofacedhoe]

you need a codeword

 

[angeleyes]

you need a codeword

"WAIT, SHH, IS THAT MY HUSBAND?!"

That can be the code word, get a role playing thing going on mhmm %)

 

[Johnny1]

Most of the girls fantasize about rough domination, right? Being really taken like a slut, physically and verbally. And like really rough, not just couple of dirty names and slap on a butt.

If only...

 

[YaBa]

Hmm, I agree there are a lot of girls who like to be dominated a little, but I'm really not sure fantasies for that kind of intense domination are that common...or if they are, they often just stay at the stage of fantasies, without there being any real wish for them to be carried out.
I have to ask - was she aware of what exactly you meant by 'rough'? Because 'genuine fear' and 'crying' don't sound positive in any way to me. The 'genuine' is actually kind of disturbing. No matter how much into BDSM the both of you may be, neither partner should never feel genuinely afraid.
Honestly reading your post, to me it doesn't sound like the biggest risk for her now is to cheat or whatever, it's more that she might actually regret that experience and have all sorts of negative feelings towards it. I dunno, maybe I'm exaggerating all this but it really does sound like you took the word 'rough' a little too far. Don't think there's much you can do at this point than talk about it though...and if she does admit she's having some negative thoughts, be there for her and help her through it.
Anyway, I definitely think this sounded way too intense for someone very inexperienced with sex; but well, hopefully I'm wrong. I've done BDSM plenty of times and it never changed anything, but it also wasn't anywhere near that violent so can't really testify...

I think you are partly right. We didn't plan to take it so far, it started with complete joke. Then more she started to feel, more I pushed her until she kind of lost it which made me to lose it also. I think it would have been a lot even for someone more experienced. That is why I'm now bit worried about this situation. I think we both feel like don't want (and probably can't) have sex like that again in the near future. One thing why I feel it's not good idea is because it feels impossible to get even close to what we had, so it would probably feel kind of lame if we try. I think that's one reason also why I'm getting a feeling that some fantasies should be left as fantasies - after if you manage to experience those fantasies in real life you have hard time to find things that turns you on. Anyway, you know how it goes... Even that's how you rationalize, you still know how big turn on it was/would be for both since you already experienced that. Different thing would be if it just had stayedat imagination level, now it's harder to take back and forget.

We are really close and that's why it probably escalated to simulate 'real' domination/rape without either of us trying to stop what was going on. But yes, it felt surreal and after had kind of moral hangover from whole thing - still we repeated the process later that night though. And that makes me think it still was kind of positive even you are right that it doesn't probably sound like one.

I've never had any real life experiences that goes too far, but have felt like this after staring too much internet porn and having craziest fantasies with myself. I've learned to handle those just by not thinking too much, human mind is pretty fucked up when it comes to those things what turns you on. But this is first time when someone else is involved and I'm not sure what is best way to handle this. And because I'm not sure about it myself, I can't help her with her thoughts even I would love to. I'm sure she is struggling to understand why she got so excited from 'bad' things and maybe even thinking if there is something wrong with her. It's hard to draw a line between who you are and between weird stuff you might think about right before you climax. I hope that everybody knows what I'm talking about and it's not just me :D

Anyway, please tell me if my thinking is completely off? Is it fine to have kinky fantasies and just enjoy those when feeling like a weird pervert, only to instantly forget everything when act is over? Or are too rough/kinky fantasies harmful for you mind and you should try to keep the most sick things locked somewhere deep and try to enjoy more acceptable things that turns you on? What should I tell her to help to set her mind right about this? I don't really want her to feel like there is anything wrong about her, but I don't want to give her bad advice.

 

[Bearlove]

Now that she knows she can be completely uninhibited with you she may find reaching orgasm (without the need for domination etc) easier. It does sound that you took it way too far though especially if she is not that experienced with domination etc (having her crying out of fear etc). Yes BDSM can get very rough and people can push their limits but they already have a limit set prior that both parties should respect / not cross for safety etc.

Crying through pain which you want inflicted is very different to being 'genuinely scared'.

You need to discuss this with her and if you decide to take it further, like already mentioned, get a safe word (or gesture incase one of you are gagged etc).

 

[littlepenguin]

Thank's for your reply anyway

I didn't mean that every girl would get turned on by that kind of things, just that it's kind of common for girls to have fantasies like that. At least what I have talked with many of my friends and read from articles. Please women, correct me if I'm wrong!

just because you and your friends "heard" that "most girls" (who are most girls? the 8 that you know? the 12 you don't know? how many millions of girls are in this world? I'd be willing to bet that well over the majority of women do NOT have an interest in CRYING during sex, for any reason whatsoever, unless the man pulled a ring out and asked for their hand in marriage in the middle of a boink.)

Now, just because you heard from your friends that "most girls like anal" doesn't mean you just throw it in her butt without warning during a hot doggystyle session...right?

I know you said you didn't mean that every girl likes that stuff - but man, being forced and extremely dominated during sex is something that needs to have a FEW SERIOUS DISCUSSIONS before it even comes into consideration. I mean, the conversation(s) about this issue need to be EXPLICIT IN DETAIL - like "do you want to be spit on?" "can I slap you? where? how hard? how many times...?" You could call a girl a dirty fucktub whorebag scallywag and she'd eat it up but then you call her a word that means damn near the same thing like skankburger and she'll flip out because it's a word she doesn't like.

The more I read your first post, the more it scares the hell out of me, for your girlfriend.

You said you were on ice - you said she was "getting excited" while talking about being dominated - how do you know your perception wasn't way off? How do you know her tears weren't tears of being absolutely humiliated and scared out of her mind? To presume somebody who you say doesn't even masturbate or "enjoy sex very much" would enjoy being "brutally forced," is a serious misconception in your head and if I was you, I would take some serious time talking to this girl about what happened, and how SHE feels about it, not how YOU feel about it or how you THINK she feels about it.

And no, I'm no prude - I've done some straight up crazy sexual shit, taken it to the ends of the limits and even driven past the limits...but it's ALWAYS discussed first if it's something that could possibly effect somebody negatively. I'm not going to have a dude be gently choking me or slapping me without him asking if I am okay with it first. He's not going to all of a sudden call me "you sloppy whore fuckbucket" without knowing whether or not I like the dirty talk or not.

Be a little more cautious and considering of her feelings in the future, perhaps. Maybe you also need to find somebody who's more "matched" in your sexual realm - because you two seem miles away in that category.

 

[YaBa]

just because you and your friends "heard" that "most girls" (who are most girls? the 8 that you know? the 12 you don't know? how many millions of girls are in this world? I'd be willing to bet that well over the majority of women do NOT have an interest in CRYING during sex, for any reason whatsoever, unless the man pulled a ring out and asked for their hand in marriage in the middle of a boink.)

Now, just because you heard from your friends that "most girls like anal" doesn't mean you just throw it in her butt without warning during a hot doggystyle session...right?

I know you said you didn't mean that every girl likes that stuff - but man, being forced and extremely dominated during sex is something that needs to have a FEW SERIOUS DISCUSSIONS before it even comes into consideration. I mean, the conversation(s) about this issue need to be EXPLICIT IN DETAIL - like "do you want to be spit on?" "can I slap you? where? how hard? how many times...?" You could call a girl a dirty fucktub whorebag scallywag and she'd eat it up but then you call her a word that means damn near the same thing like skankburger and she'll flip out because it's a word she doesn't like.

The more I read your first post, the more it scares the hell out of me, for your girlfriend.

You said you were on ice - you said she was "getting excited" while talking about being dominated - how do you know your perception wasn't way off? How do you know her tears weren't tears of being absolutely humiliated and scared out of her mind? To presume somebody who you say doesn't even masturbate or "enjoy sex very much" would enjoy being "brutally forced," is a serious misconception in your head and if I was you, I would take some serious time talking to this girl about what happened, and how SHE feels about it, not how YOU feel about it or how you THINK she feels about it.

And no, I'm no prude - I've done some straight up crazy sexual shit, taken it to the ends of the limits and even driven past the limits...but it's ALWAYS discussed first if it's something that could possibly effect somebody negatively. I'm not going to have a dude be gently choking me or slapping me without him asking if I am okay with it first. He's not going to all of a sudden call me "you sloppy whore fuckbucket" without knowing whether or not I like the dirty talk or not.

Be a little more cautious and considering of her feelings in the future, perhaps. Maybe you also need to find somebody who's more "matched" in your sexual realm - because you two seem miles away in that category.

Ummh.. Not sure where your hostility is coming from. It's not like I'm making up that girls have rape fantasies. There is dozens of studies which tells the same and I have heard that from so many women. Here is one reputable for you so you don't have to take my word for it:

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19085605

Results indicated that 62% of women have had a rape fantasy

I would say that's very common. If you don't have that kind of fantasies, it doesn't mean it's not common.

Also it's hard to have my perception way off when girl tells me how much it turn her on. She was the one who made everything happen, I wouldn't start to dominate someone who's not asking for that. I wouldn't do anything with anyone who don't want it. She could have just told me to stop whenever she felt like that, but that wasn't case and that's not the case afterwards. She truly enjoyed, but it made her feel guilty after. And that's the point of this thread and thing that worries me; if living out quite deep fantasies in real life is actually harmful, even if it provides ultimate sexual experience, which both sides have enjoyed.

I don't know what part of my post pushed your buttons, but your aggressive attitude makes you miss the whole point. Relax, I didn't rape anyone

 

['medicine cabinet']

my ex gf liked for me to tie her up and choke her and be rough, flip her over, pull her hair, all that shit. when she wanted me to do it harder thats when i kind of got apprehensive. one girls love mark is another girls photographiv evidence lol. i told her i was comfortable to an extent but digging my nails into her and pushing her head into the pillow was kinda too uch. im in no way vanilla and she loved that, but she had even hinted at one of those rubber ball gag things, to add tmi, when she would bloe me she would jam it in as deep as possible, choking herself and chip beefing my donger. all this from a really sweet girl who you would think would be a shade above vanilla. tying her up and gentel hair pulling was ok because it got her off big time, but a lot of the other stuff was a bit too rough, even if she wanted it, i was worried id end up hurting her and shed expect it all the time. to each their own tho. she also wanted a sex swing lol. if she wasnt totally jelouise and insecure with my female friends we might still have been together. plus she was a dancer and yoga/pilates instructor, so that def was fun lol. be open with your concerns about what you are doing and def have a safe word.

 

[pokes]

Just be super lovey dovy and buy her nice things and tell her she's a princess and she will likely recover. Also make clear to her that you don't really think those things about her and that it was just a game.

 

[atara]

Ummh.. Not sure where your hostility is coming from. It's not like I'm making up that girls have rape fantasies. There is dozens of studies which tells the same and I have heard that from so many women. Here is one reputable for you so you don't have to take my word for it:

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19085605

Most people are not WEIRD, i.e., behavioral studies of college undergraduates are not a representative sample of the human population.

Also it's hard to have my perception way off when girl tells me how much it turn her on. She was the one who made everything happen, I wouldn't start to dominate someone who's not asking for that. I wouldn't do anything with anyone who don't want it. She could have just told me to stop whenever she felt like that, but that wasn't case and that's not the case afterwards. She truly enjoyed, but it made her feel guilty after.

Keep in mind that the girls you choose to date are a reflection of your choices and actions, not a representative sample of the population. If you always court women with these fantasies, that says more about "you" than about "women", and the same applies to your friends (you also chose your friends). Aphoristically, the plural of "anecdote" is not "data".

But does any of you have real life experience what happens to the girl, after her fantasy comes true? Is it unhealthy for normal sex life and relationship?

The only major mental difficulties correlated with BDSM are narcissism and dissociation:

http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1300/J056v18n01_05#.Uk8di37dnR8

though other studies have found no major correlates:

http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/...sCustomisedMessage=&userIsAuthenticated=false

I suspect narcissism and dissociation would be factors that lead to BDSM rather than the other way around; narcissism is after all role-playing on a grand scale and dissociation is often a result of childhood trauma, which is popularly suspected (though it has never been measured!) to correlate with sadomasochistic preferences.

Anyway, after all the craziness we talked about the fact, that next time sober will not feel like that and will easily feel rather boring. I have tried to be as open as possible about what happened and talk with her like it's not a big deal, but I'm not sure if she really thinks the same way. And even when you talk about it before it happens, actually feeling how there is 'something' missing was quite disappointing and sad.

This is kind of a red flag. If you can't talk about it productively, you shouldn't really be doing it. I'm left wondering whether what you did was actually consensual.

even if it provides ultimate sexual experience, which both sides have enjoyed.

Much as there is no "ultimate psychedelic experience", there is no "ultimate sexual experience" either. Chasing this you'll have as much luck as following your tail I'm afraid. You are not your fantasies, and all composite things are subject to decay.

 

[YaBa]

Most people are not WEIRD, i.e., behavioral studies of college undergraduates are not a representative sample of the human population.



Keep in mind that the girls you choose to date are a reflection of your choices and actions, not a representative sample of the population. If you always court women with these fantasies, that says more about "you" than about "women", and the same applies to your friends (you also chose your friends). Aphoristically, the plural of "anecdote" is not "data".



The only major mental difficulties correlated with BDSM are narcissism and dissociation:

http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1300/J056v18n01_05#.Uk8di37dnR8

though other studies have found no major correlates:

http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/...sCustomisedMessage=&userIsAuthenticated=false

I suspect narcissism and dissociation would be factors that lead to BDSM rather than the other way around; narcissism is after all role-playing on a grand scale and dissociation is often a result of childhood trauma, which is popularly suspected (though it has never been measured!) to correlate with sadomasochistic preferences.



This is kind of a red flag. If you can't talk about it productively, you shouldn't really be doing it. I'm left wondering whether what you did was actually consensual.



Much as there is no "ultimate psychedelic experience", there is no "ultimate sexual experience" either. Chasing this you'll have as much luck as following your tail I'm afraid. You are not your fantasies, and all composite things are subject to decay.

You are right, I didn't check well enough what I'm linking sorry about that. But really, are you people saying I'm wrong about this? Just always thought that I 'know' this and confused now why I thought so. I've feeling that everywhere where women fantasies are talked, forcing/rape is mentioned, but I just spot that subject. If I'm wrong, I'm happy that you corrected me, and happy to learn something new Anyway, the girl told me herself that dominating/forcing/being overpowered turns her on a lot.

And really good point about girls being reflection of myself. I love to chat with strong women and like them as friends, but don't think I could date strong women easily without having a lot of conflicts. Also strong/dominating women have never interested me sexually. So that makes my thoughts biased for sure since most of my sexual experiences (and probably most of the deep conversations) have been with at least somewhat submissive women, thanks for pointing that out.

But I would hope that nobody thought that it wasn't consensual Maybe my first post made it look like I'm kind of monster, but I just described it so, that it would be easier to answer to the question that is living out fantasy like that 'safe' and healthy. I'm by no means any monster, I love my girl and I'm sweet, caring, kind and romantic even the picture is now probably quite opposite. I actually feel bad since many of you mention that you suspect it being consensual. There's honestly no doubt about it, we have great relationship and we have talked about it a lot after, maybe not enough before. She have made it clear she enjoyed it and both times she was the one who started the whole thing. Only problem she have/had is that all that made her feel little bit guilty and ashamed to get off from such 'sick' things. And for me, there's just two things that I'm thinking:

1. First question is about 'tolerance' (not sure what would be the right word). I'm having hard time to think of good metaphor, but like if you get used to some kind of lifestyle, you will have hard time if you have to give up that. Like if you have used to eating out every day and suddenly you are comparing bacon prices it's not easy to stay positive and be happy. But if before you didn't have money for bacon, you feel happy and excited to compare the prices and finally buy bacon. Probably terrible metaphor/example, hopefully you can get an idea what I'm trying to say. I'm just afraid that her mind - and maybe mine also, I've just used drugs on and off all my life and that way learned how to handle those feelings - will have problems to accept that normally sex will be less exciting, but it doesn't mean you can't enjoy it and feel good and satisfied. I've seen people who seemed to be really good match break up, because honeymoon was over and they didn't know how to handle that.

2. And second thing I'm wondering if seeing your loved one being really rough/dominating/verbally abusing OR seeing your loved one getting excited and having orgasm from those things is actually harmful and can change your loving feelings or attitude towards other? In my own fantasies I've always enjoyed that my GF acts like that, but now in reality I feel a bit confused. But if I think about myself, having whatever fantasies or getting turned on from something doesn't change who I am as a person. And there's no reason why it would be different with her. But I would like to hear if someone have success stories or warning examples about making fantasies happen in real life, I really would like to hear. To understand what I mean, other good and bit irrelevant example would be (based on internet porn it seems to be quite common also) male fantasy about seeing his gf/wife with someone else. Even that could be huge turn on for someone, I think it could easily change how you feel about the other one. Or maybe not, I haven't really heard enough about living your fantasies.

Anyway, we have already talked almost all this. We both feel that experience was incredible, but both agree that it made us feel kind of weird and that's why it's better to leave more extreme stuff in fantasies for now. We made a deal that we go back to kinky stuff, when/if we can do it while sober. I think that's very good deal, since when under influence many things feels natural even if you wouldn't do that sober. Also if we can do something without any substances, I think it means that trust between us is strong enough to really enjoy all kind of fantasies. We also talked that it might take some time to feel like 'normal' sex is 100% satisfying, but we agreed that's normal and perfectly fine. Same as coming back from dream holiday, for few days everyday life/job will feel depressing until you start feeling good again. I don't feel we got any problems from this and everything is really great. Why I'm asking these questions here is that I'm genuinely interested in human mind, how it works and how to have better life just by understanding yourself and others. Listening to other people is one of the best ways to do that.

 

[YaBa]

Just be super lovey dovy and buy her nice things and tell her she's a princess and she will likely recover. Also make clear to her that you don't really think those things about her and that it was just a game.

Big thanks, excellent advice. Being like that comes very naturally from me and I think I'm always like that. But, I don't think I have told her that it's not how I see her, even that's what I should have told her in first place! I've said something similar but not really made a point that I don't think she's like that in real life, like you said, it was just a game. Ty.

 

[gr33n3y3z]

Kinky people will always be kinky & have there kinky sexual desires.

I skimmed through your post my bad, but it seems like if it makes her happy to be treated like abused whore in the sack then let it be, It doesn't change your feelings about her as a person/lover does it? If so maybe you two need a talking.

 

[littlepenguin]

Ummh.. Not sure where your hostility is coming from. It's not like I'm making up that girls have rape fantasies. There is dozens of studies which tells the same and I have heard that from so many women. Here is one reputable for you so you don't have to take my word for it: 'link' I would say that's very common. If you don't have that kind of fantasies, it doesn't mean it's not common.

ummh, I'm truly sorry that you mistake my straight forward-ness and no bullshit approach to this subject and life in general as hostile, as I am not hostile toward you, I was stating my opinion that you clearly asked for at a few points in your original post.

No need to post a "study" on whether women actually have a fantasy about being forced sexually or raped, I am fully aware that fantasy exists and happens often. Not only that, you are inferring that I am not into this fantasy myself - you have no idea whether I am or not, and this isn't about my fantasies anyways - it's about you and your girlfriend.

She was the one who made everything happen, I wouldn't start to dominate someone who's not asking for that. I wouldn't do anything with anyone who don't want it.

oh. huh.

well how come you didn't say that in the first place? because with a quote like this in your original post, perhaps you could understand where my confusion is coming from:

Week ago we talked a lot about sex while I was on ice and started to talk about fantasies and she told that she don't have any. I just gave her few ideas about being forced, taken against her will and so on and she got excited about the idea. Then things got little out of hand and one thing lead to another, but she experienced total, brutal, rough domination, genuine fear, crying, verbal humiliation and embarrassment of having her first orgasm being treated like that.

**********

She could have just told me to stop whenever she felt like that...

...but, what if you mistakenly took one of her sobs or a plea to stop as "a part of the fantasy?"
- just wondering.

I don't know what part of my post pushed your buttons, but your aggressive attitude makes you miss the whole point.

no buttons were pushed in the making of my response. again, I apologize if you perceive my attitude as aggressive, but that just goes to show you how easily two people's perceptions can differ when you're not communicating well or truly listening to what the other person is saying (kinda just like you thinking what you did to your girlfriend was 100% okay and fine.......). I have not missed the point; I read your original post a few times and my comprehension and reading skills are up to par, you asked for opinions and so I replied based on what you wrote.

Relax, I didn't rape anyone

.....

never said ya did.....


.....eeek