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Roommates Duty to Tell Me He's Gay?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Registeredddddd
  • Start date Start date
I am going to play devils advocate here.

It's common to see in ads for roommates "Women only!" now. if ones sexuality is no ones business or being concerned over it makes one a homophobe, would not saying "women only/no men" not make that person a sexist?

So what if you'er a woman and sharing space with a (hetero) male? It's no different arguably than sharing it with a (homo) female, or a man sharing it with a (homo) man, is it?
 
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^Honestly I actually think it's different. Don't ask me why, but for instance I'd much rather share a flat with a gay woman than with a guy, and I'm saying that even though I've got plenty of straght guy friends with whom nothing's ever happened.

I don't think it makes the person a sexist to ask for 'women only'. Just like it wouldn't make a guy sexist to ask for guys only. Asking for straight guys only, however, I find to be pretty homophobic.

My best friend is gay, and ever since he came out when he was 12 or 13 he's lost a ton of male friends because they think he wants to sleep with them, which is ridiculous. He always tells them they really aren't hot enough for him to be attracted to them and that usually shuts them up haha. Anyway, I think that someone who doesn't want to share a flat with a gay guy is exhibiting the same train of thought.

Maybe it's hypocritical on my part, I dunno, and I understand if you completely disagree with what I said rangrz as I don't really have a substantial argument, but that's what I think.
 
I'll give you a straight answer and say yeah it'd make me uncomfortable. If you're already friends with the guy, it wouldn't be a big deal. But to move in with a stranger who happens to be sexually attracted to your gender... maybe some people wouldn't care, but I would be uncomfortable. FYI I wouldn't move in with a woman I don't know either. We'd have to be together or strictly friends with no possibility of sexual contact for me to do that.

I wouldn't put it in the ad though. Assuming you actually meet your roommate before you move in with him you should be able to tell pretty quickly if he's gay or not (unless he's closeted, in which case he wouldn't tell you anyway even if you put it in your ad). I think actually putting it in your ad would attract homophobes and those people piss me off. Just imagine coming home one night after a long day of work, ready to kick back and relax... and your roommate is sitting there with Bill O'Reilly on the TV. Fuck that.
 
I disagree Pagey. Because IMO discrimination on one accident of birth, sex, is exactly the same as another, sexual orientation, or a third, race. I respect your view, but you can my train of logic here, yes?

Personally, IDGAflyingF if I'm living with a gay man, a lesbian, a straight woman, a black person, a tall person or whatever. As long as we get along well and we respect each other it's irrelevant to me.
 
rangrz said:
I disagree Pagey. Because IMO discrimination on one accident of birth, sex, is exactly the same as another, sexual orientation, or a third, race. I respect your view, but you can my train of logic here, yes?
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Oh no yeah I get what you mean. As I said, I realize my point really wasn't based on anything and wasn't very convincing at all. To be honest I think I'd have no problem living with a lesbian because I know I wouldn't develop feelings towards her, whereas I couldn't necessarily say the same about a guy. Maybe that's it.
 
Effuzion said:
I'll give you a straight answer and say yeah it'd make me uncomfortable. If you're already friends with the guy, it wouldn't be a big deal. But to move in with a stranger who happens to be sexually attracted to your gender... maybe some people wouldn't care, but I would be uncomfortable. FYI I wouldn't move in with a woman I don't know either. We'd have to be together or strictly friends with no possibility of sexual contact for me to do that.

I wouldn't put it in the ad though. Assuming you actually meet your roommate before you move in with him you should be able to tell pretty quickly if he's gay or not (unless he's closeted, in which case he wouldn't tell you anyway even if you put it in your ad). I think actually putting it in your ad would attract homophobes and those people piss me off. Just imagine coming home one night after a long day of work, ready to kick back and relax... and your roommate is sitting there with Bill O'Reilly on the TV. Fuck that.
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So you basically wouldn't be comfortable moving in with anyone you didn't know. That is very different than not wanting to live with a gay person. You basically said in your post that, if you're friends with a gay guy, you would be fine with living with him. If you were friends with anyone, you'd (more or less) be okay living with them. However, it is the fact that you don't know the person that makes you uncomfortable.

Although I personally don't care if I have male/female roommates (have had them both), I can see that some people may not be comfortable living with someone of the opposite sex. Gender is different than sexual orientation.
 
rangrz said:
I disagree Pagey. Because IMO discrimination on one accident of birth, sex, is exactly the same as another, sexual orientation, or a third, race. I respect your view, but you can my train of logic here, yes?

Personally, IDGAflyingF if I'm living with a gay man, a lesbian, a straight woman, a black person, a tall person or whatever. As long as we get along well and we respect each other it's irrelevant to me.
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By that same logic, separating washrooms and changerooms by gender is also sexist, and living together is more intimate than that.

I've lived with women and it was a nightmare. Way worse than the guys I've lived with. I will never live with women again. Give me the guys any day. Call it sexist all you want, that's my personal experience. Just like I won't live with anyone under 25 y/o ever again.

A person's sexual orientation is not that big of a deal compared to gender differences. It would matter way more to me if they were male or female vs. straight or gay. The former is reasonable, the latter isn't really relevant. And in the OPs case he is wanting to move into someone else's place, so he has even less of a right to demand things.
 
llama112 said:
So you basically wouldn't be comfortable moving in with anyone you didn't know. That is very different than not wanting to live with a gay person. You basically said in your post that, if you're friends with a gay guy, you would be fine with living with him. If you were friends with anyone, you'd (more or less) be okay living with them. However, it is the fact that you don't know the person that makes you uncomfortable.

Although I personally don't care if I have male/female roommates (have had them both), I can see that some people may not be comfortable living with someone of the opposite sex. Gender is different than sexual orientation.
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Moving in with any stranger would always make me uncomfortable at first, but I could live with it. Moving in with a gay stranger would make me too uncomfortable to actually go through with it. I feel like there's always that possibility that the stranger could develop feelings for me and since I can't reciprocate those feelings it would be awkward between us. The reason I say I could move in with a gay friend is because I could only be friends with a gay dude who doesn't have feelings for me.

I'm not saying I'm so loving and charming that every gay dude wants my nuts, but that possibility is enough to put me off. You don't want to be trapped into a 1-year lease with that kind of situation going on. It's the same reason I wouldn't move in with a girl I don't know.
 
No, I don't see it as a duty.

If you're worried that he might come onto you, treat it exactly like you would with a female that you aren't interested in, simple.
 
Very interesting conundrum, philosophizing in SLR...

Personally I would like to let the person I am moving in with know about myself to help them potentially screen me.

What if they are germaphobs? Or what if they a homophobic? Could lead to some weird time living together...

But I don't think anyone is obligated to tell anyone else anything. It really can't hurt to be open and honest when communicating with a potential roommate, it may help you avoid a terrible living situation or fall into a perfect one.
 
Registeredddddd said:
do you think that if you were moving in with him/her that they should disclose that they are gay? what about throwing in some factors like: if it was just you two living in the apt? what if you were sharing a room? or if there were 4 people living in a house?

shouldn't i have a right to know about the person i am going to be living with?
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If you're placing an ad for a room mate, you can specify what kind of person you'd prefer. It's not a big deal.
 
Eh that's a hard one because if its your house and you feel uncomfortable with gay PDA then ok maybe you should know. But if you truly don't have an issue with it then nah who cares ?

I'd take a lesbian who's honest and trustworthy over some douche I can't trust and doesn't respect my privacy.
 
I have lived with gay people & never had any real issue with it. That said by preference I would live with hetrosexuals. Not because I am prejudiced but I feel far more comfortable that way & there is no awkwardness.
 
Effuzion said:
Moving in with any stranger would always make me uncomfortable at first, but I could live with it. Moving in with a gay stranger would make me too uncomfortable to actually go through with it. I feel like there's always that possibility that the stranger could develop feelings for me and since I can't reciprocate those feelings it would be awkward between us. The reason I say I could move in with a gay friend is because I could only be friends with a gay dude who doesn't have feelings for me.

I'm not saying I'm so loving and charming that every gay dude wants my nuts, but that possibility is enough to put me off. You don't want to be trapped into a 1-year lease with that kind of situation going on. It's the same reason I wouldn't move in with a girl I don't know.
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What if the gay guy (that you just met) had a boyfriend?
 
llama112 said:
What if the gay guy (that you just met) had a boyfriend?
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We could go through every scenario and I might be willing to change my mind in certain cases. But the general rule is no to gay roommates for the reasons above.
 
Why is it that homophobic people always assume that if someone is a gay man or woman they're attracted to ALL people of the same gender as them? How ridiculous.

OP, if you moved in with a woman would you ASSUME that she's going to have sexual thoughts about you? It's just as offensive to assume the same about a man who is gay.

And I agree with previous posters, sexual orientation is personal and none of your business or concern.
 
I would like to know simply because i like to get to know the people i live with but if they don't talk about it or bring it up i'm not going to ask nor do I really care if they don't tell me. As roommates I think it's pretty important to discuss what the apartment rules are for bringing people over though. I personally wouldn't feel comfortable living with a roommate that brings random dudes or chicks home for sex every week, especially if they are super loud about it. I imagine ones sexual orientation would be revealed at that point unless we kept referring to them as "potential sexual partners" but that would just sound weird.
 
rhun said:
Why is it that homophobic people always assume that if someone is a gay man or woman they're attracted to ALL people of the same gender as them? How ridiculous.

OP, if you moved in with a woman would you ASSUME that she's going to have sexual thoughts about you? It's just as offensive to assume the same about a man who is gay.

And I agree with previous posters, sexual orientation is personal and none of your business or concern.
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Exactly what I'm thinking! There are TONS of people in the world! The chances that your roommate is going to be attracted to you is very slim. I've had male and female roommates (all straight, as far as I know) and I have not thought "ooohhh he's probably going to hit on me". Just like if I had a lesbian roommate, I wouldn't be worried she'd hit on me. There is a small chance, of course, like the lesbian walking down the street may find me attractive. Or a lesbian at a club may find me attractive. But if I'm not into her, then that's that.

I'm not sure if these people are homophobic or just have really high self esteems?? Either way - offensive!
 
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