Ritalin Hell. WTF do i do.

[manic88]

History of my problems.

In a misguided retarded attempt to lose weight i start using amphetamine in low doses on days where im struggling with appetite... as the need to use amphetamine increases... dose increases.... i become more outgoing... forget about my goal of cutting weight... now im going out drinking real hard everynight using heavily for about 6 months. It was a very very hard 6 months. I come off the amphetamine subsequent to realising that a huge chunk of the year dissapeared and my life was in tatters. I come off it and dont go back on it... however im never quite the same. I cant focus im agitated, impulsive and find pleasure in very little. My appetite is terrible i binge on sugar constantly and in the weekends drink myself to the highest point of intoxication every time. I take ecstacy a couple times a month and continue this binge drinking for another 6 months.

After all this i really make an attempt to get my life together. I excersise, diet... but constantly find myself briefly relapsing into heavy drinking and binge eating. I get myself ontrack quickly and keep excercising and sucessively increasing my fitness levels over a number of months... but still something wasn't 'right' after my first stint with amphetamines.. i still couldn't find joy in anything apart from impulsive behaviour in one form or another. I felt dead, numb, empty... worse than any feelings of negativity. I didn't feel human. I go to the doctor and complain about attention problems.... I find myself with a script of methylphenidate. I instantly fall in love with the stuff... the feelings of uncontrollable impulse leave me... and im completely in control... but euphoric. I start taking higher doses content with the percieved control and energy it gives me. Im conscious of developing tolerance and take days off here and there... but it gets the better of me... before i know it im sleep deprived, agitated, and taking 120 mg a day for a period of about 4 months. During those 4 months i am drinking heavily, eating little, and deteriorating quick. There are stints where i am railing up to 200 MG, taking crystal here and there when going out and im taking large doses of tramadol and codiene to deal with hangovers/comedowns.

I fall apart completely, come off it for a week... then go back on at my prescribed dose. I stick to my dose excersise and very rarely drink. However things have gone from bad to worse. Im barely functional, moody, have a huge appetite and have weird physical symptoms such as pressure in my head, chest, tingling and muscle spasms. Im anxious and spend months mostly inside. Ritalin isn't helping me concentrate... i feel like absolute shit even when sticking to a low dose and living right. I fall asleep throughout the day, am disorientated and feel literally brain damaged. I have bursts of energy but generally struggle to get off the couch and shave/shower. I've tried to come off it but become even more dead inside, numb, agitated, i constantly eat sugar. After 2 weeks im feeling so awful i fear what i could do to myself. I put on weight and my mental state deteriorates quickly.

So i go back on ritalin at a low dose and try to just persevere.... im getting nowehre. It doesn't work.. it just makes life more bearable than i do off it. The side effects are immense and the benefits are little. What do i do? If i come off it how many months and months is it going to be before i start to get myself... i think back to when i came off amphetamine and how after many months i still constantly felt shit. Surely its going to be much worse now... and that fucking scares me. Do i just come off this shit have faith in my brains ability to regenerate itself if i persevere over months and months and months? My mind is twistered. Everything is jumbled up and i have the strangest most random train of thoughts all day. It's real Fked.

 

[white_magic]

I think you should just keep using the ritalin at the prescribed dose. Like you said, it makes life more bearable, but you have make damn sure you don't start upping the dose.

Also, since this all started as a weight problem, I highly recommend you begin a regular, but reasonable exercise routine. Don't set unrealistic goals. For example, a walk or a light jog every other morning is quite reasonable.

Essentially, do whatever sensible things/activities you find keep you most stable. Like hobbies and finding friends that aren't into drugs and won't create too many temptations. IMO, the worst thing you can do is look for some magic solution, because THERE ISN'T ONE. You will just have to pull through sometime, or you will go even further down the drain. Start on the hard work now!

 

[manic88]

I think you should just keep using the ritalin at the prescribed dose. Like you said, it makes life more bearable, but you have make damn sure you don't start upping the dose.

Also, since this all started as a weight problem, I highly recommend you begin a regular, but reasonable exercise routine. Don't set unrealistic goals. For example, a walk or a light jog every other morning is quite reasonable.

Essentially, do whatever sensible things/activities you find keep you most stable. Like hobbies and finding friends that aren't into drugs and won't create too many temptations. IMO, the worst thing you can do is look for some magic solution, because THERE ISN'T ONE. You will just have to pull through sometime, or you will go even further down the drain. Start on the hard work now!

I hear you. And thats what i thought at first. Ive been working real hard... thing is at that low dose im not getting anywhere. Its been months and im tired, confused, irritable, no concentration, and my thinking patterns are real bad... i think ive been at the point of psychosis a few times and im just really fragile. I get bad twitches and mood swings and i am barely functional even on it. I thought if i stay at a low dose over time my brain will recover... but im starting to think it needs a rest from stimulants completely.... but months and months of an emptiness that exceeds what i have now and experienced previously really terrifies me.

 

[white_magic]

It may help if you abstain from stims entirely, but I don't know if it's 100% necessary. Anyway, I found this bit about amphetamine in its respective FAQ thread here on BL:

There is some research that suggests extended amphetamine use may cause neurotoxic damage by constant over stimulation of dopamine receptors in the brain (ref: see bibliography for details.) Most of the effects of long-term amphetamine use are believed to fade within 4 months after last use of the drug, meaning that the drug has few lasting permanent effects. The possible exception to this is reversal of neurotoxic damage. It is believed that while some recovery is made, not all neurotoxic damage heals. (Note: excessive use of amphetamines over long periods can cause damage to the teeth and gums, particularly when 'gumming' powdered street speed. This damage is not reversible, as the tooth enamel can be pitted and the gums can retract).

Consider that sometime in the middle of your recovery, you started binging on Ritalin. You've sort of 'reset' the recovery process. Let's hope it doesn't happen this time, too.

 

[Jekyll and Hyde]

I'm not sure if you're in contact with your doctor, but it might be beneficial to keep him updated on your feelings and symptoms. There may be some underlying problems, and it's essential that you're completely honest with him so he can find a regimen of meds that will work for you. Good luck, and I hope for the best for you.

 

[davids]

I'v been hopped up on medically scripted MPD for 6 years. I read in the PI sheet tah only 30% is absorbed orally-hence the popularity of sniffing. I get SR20mg tabs and guess what? they can't be sniffed, bio~70% but they CAN be melted, I don't do needles-bio=%, and used suppusotory style with bio at ~90%.

 

[EoTorv]

OP, you have asked for our thoughts on what you should do. Mind if ask what your thoughts and impressions are on your best plan from here on out? I have lots of ideas about your situation but I won't have to live any of them out so some sense of what you can tolerate or find intolerable will help any folk offering advice to stay within the boundaries of what you find doable.

 

[manic88]

Ive decided i will do absolutely whatever i need to to get myself back. My mind feels scattered and twisted on ritalin... i feel burnt out. After the really high levels of abuse things never came right on the therapeutic prescribed dose and anxiety attacks/days in bed have become the norm. Best plan from here out... i wokeup an hour ago. Took me about half an hour to get out of bed and the remainder of that time to get on the computer and put this post together.... reason being i haven't taken my daily dose. And i dont intend on it. I've just thought to myself... surely after those hard nights that have occupied my life for the past couple of years my mind needs a rest in its natural state. Im a zombie and very agitated im a bit scared of how much worse these feelings of agitation are going to get.

 

[Xynthetic]

I'd suggest working hard on changing your sleep schedule, eating well, and getting exercise and you'll be feeling better little by little.

 

[pukingcells]

Please don't take this the wrong way and I'm not trying to be an asshole, but you are an addict.

All of the feelings you speak of come with addiction; the compulsion, the empty feeling, the replacing of substances, all points to addiction.

It may help you to see and addiction counselor and/or go to an NA meeting.

Just an observation..

 

[davids]

The Op is no doubt in a bad way, and i hope he gets good medical help and gets his mind back. But this is EXCATLY why these meds are Sch ll and tightly controlled, cause people abuse them and sell, buy them on the street, and they can ruin lives as indicated by the OP

 

[jonaz]

you are probably malnourished.
make sure u eat enough (but not too much) of the following:
-saturated fat
-monounsaturated fat
-carbohydrates (eat low GI carbs and avoid refined sugar as well as excess fruit, because fruit is high GI)

and make sure u get enough protein, vitamins and minerals!



stabilize on a reasonable and low dosage of whatever drug you need to become stable,
whether that's ritalin, ssri's or methadone and then SLOWLY taper the drug u take to zero.
if tapering destabilizes you too much, it's because you taper too quick.

after each taper, you destabilize a little and then you stabilize.
then taper a bit more. process repeat.

 

[manic88]

Ive been off for 48 hours. Showering getting up, anything is a huge ordeal. I cant stop eating sugary shit. But there is something so appealing about the liberation of not having to be a slave to pills. My girlfriend left me which has ripped me up so much... shes finally had enough.. right at the point where im trying to make a change. Damage is done.

 

[TJ5]

Taking Tramadol with speed can be very
dangerous! Ur not supposed 2 mix speed
w antidepressives, which is Tramadol btw
it raises potential 4 heart attack. Sounds
2 me like u need detox/rehab 4 drugs &
eating disorder.

 

[420Jibtechwarrior]

ya sounds like maybe antidepressants of some sort are in need

 

[ti.ara]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Last year I got a script for ritalin after telling my doctor that I thought I was ADHD, which I'm not, purely for recreational purposes, well sort of - I thought it would just keep me awake and focused. I had NO fucking clue that something they give to 6-year-olds could ever get me that fucking high. The crash from ritalin is just brutal though. Because my script was covered and free I had a very hard time not over abusing it allll the time. It was ridiculous so I finally just had to stop the script. Last time I did it was in December. I still think about that shit sometimes. Even recently I have been abusing prescription dexedrine sometimes, out of boredom and I had to cancel that script too, although it was not even near as damaging to my life as my habit with ritalin was. With ritalin, and dexedrine too, on a low dose, like 10mg I wouldn't get "high" from it, it would just make me more focused and etc. The main thing I was looking for from it when I originally got the script. The thing was I could NOT stick to taking it at that dose, no matter how hard I tried. I've never had a problem with ANY drug, not even cocaine, but ritalin seriously had a bit of a hook on me. I was doing it sooo much, missing appointments bc I was too groggy to wake up after taking sleeping aids to fall asleep, I was totally binging like mad on them, dangerously so. I honestly think that anyone who has abused ritalin at higher doses and experienced the intense coke-like high and can be strong enough to just take it at a regular low dose, is a miracle. I know I can't and if I can be blunt, it doesn't sound like you could either. I think, just like for me, you might need to stop that script all together.

I would talk to your doctor and explain EVERYTHING going on. He/she may have a better idea of a med to help you. If you are adhd, there are non-stimulant, non-abusable meds for that. It doesn't sound like this is something you are going to be able to do alone, quitting these substances and binge drinking, etc. I think you need help and support. You definitely need to be completely honest with your doctor about all that is happening.

Have you ever been on any type of anti-depressant before? I have had struggles with disordered eating off and on since I was 13, whether it was starving, binging or purging, so I can really relate. Have you ever had counselling or talked to a doctor about your issues with eating? I was on celexa for a while, I am off it right now but it REALLY helped with my eating problems and anxiety. I have been off of it for a few months now, and I still feel and am doing good.

Over all, I really think you need help hun. This isn't something you can face and get better from alone. Ritalin, as good as it feels and seems to help, even at low doses, in the long run really fucks with your mind and mood. I think your first step would be to see your doctor and tell him everything. I know its SO hard to ask for help and its so embarrassing but its the only way. You'll feel SO much better after you do. He/she can get you on the right track with your meds and get you in to see a dietician/counsellor or maybe even a better program for eating disorders. I obviously can't tell you I know how you feel, but I can relate, I've been there with the eating issues, and with ritalin and feeling sooo unmotivated and hopeless, and afraid and ashamed to ask for help but basically, its either ask for help or you will stay stuck in this rut, wasting precious time in your life. It's not worth it.

If you ever need to talk or anything, PLEASE feel free to PM me! Good luck with everything. I really hope you talk to your doctor hun.

 

[ti.ara]

I hear you. And thats what i thought at first. Ive been working real hard... thing is at that low dose im not getting anywhere. Its been months and im tired, confused, irritable, no concentration, and my thinking patterns are real bad... i think ive been at the point of psychosis a few times and im just really fragile. I get bad twitches and mood swings and i am barely functional even on it. I thought if i stay at a low dose over time my brain will recover... but im starting to think it needs a rest from stimulants completely.... but months and months of an emptiness that exceeds what i have now and experienced previously really terrifies me.

Yeah, you've reaaalllly gotta get off the stimulants dude. Ritalin can cause people to go into psychosis episodes. I honestly think you'll feel SO much more clear minded and better if you stop the stims and maybe try an antidepressant like celexa. Ritalin sounds like it is ruining you and I have been there too. It might be a rough week after you first stop the ritalin but it'll be so worth it after.

It sounds like you are not adhd, the effects you are getting from ritalin don't sound to me like the way its suppose to effect someone with true adhd. People with adhd don't tend to get high off of a regular dose, like 20-30mg and there is generally not a tolerance built for people who are adhd, at least not for a long time. A lot of times depression can cause lack of concentration and adhd type symptoms in people too.

 

[serendipitous9257]

I too went about getting a script for adderall in this manner - to help with weight loss. I went to my doc and convinced him that I had ADD (I have a learning disorder in math, was "depressed" but turned out to be a misdiagnosis of ADD, disorganized, blah, blah, blah). What a beautiful thing adderall was! I loved, loved, loved the clarity, energy, and speediness that it brought. Soon enough, the reason that I even sought out the script seemed to vanish. Did I ultimately lose weight? Yes. Would it be my demise in the end? Yes. I could finish my script in a 3rd of the time that I should have. Eventually, I wound up pregnant (I am married), and had to stop cold turkey. It was the worst 5 months of my life .... but after 3 years of abuse, lying, and guilt, I finally feel "normal". I personally could not stick to my regular script .... have you tried any of the medications that aren't stimulants if you truly feel you had ADD? Also, weight loss won't happen overnight .... it takes more than a few weeks to see results. That in and of itself is a frustrating process.

I personally think you should work on recovery first and then weight loss.

Best of luck.

 

[Rexeh]

Another Methylphenidate addict here... I have real Adult ADD + Autism (HFA, Asperger's syndrome) all diagnosed at a point in my life where everything I did failed miserably. No school/career/normal life is possible for me anymore by having the Scheuermann's Disease (look it up on wiki) which gave me an extra OxyContin addiction as well.

Methylphenidate binges can last up to 48 hours for me, starting with sniffing my normal dose of 60 mg, then I take 30 mg combined with 15 mg OxyContin insufflated every 4 hours until I run out of my supply of Methylphenidate. I try to save some OxyContin's so I have just enough to avoid being dopesick the next day(s). Now I am getting scatterbrained, sometimes I begin to experience 'minor psychosis' where I begin to see the infamous 'shadow people' and get scared of about everything... Now while still high on Oxy I break out my stash of Benzodiazepines but I now have insane tolerances to the most common ones: (100 mg Diazepam / 20 mg Clonazepam 8( / 10 mg Alprazolam / 30 mg Temazepam / 60 mg Midazolam ).

You are not alone mate, 300 mg a day combined with Opiates, Benzodiazepines, Alcohol (Vodka or good Scotch), a lot of killer Cannabis and nothing to do than playing PS3 or managing my coin collection (10000+ different coins -about 8 kilograms of unsorted coins still waiting as well- including very rare 300+ year old Dutch coins and lots of Silver Trade Dollars and British 1 oz sterling silver Crowns, 10 oz silver bars... insured ofcourse ).

Can you send me a private message so I can try to give advice? I know that I am a bad example LOL but I know the lifestyle etc. and some things are better discussed in private.


-- Peace o/

 

[manic88]

Hey guys ive been off ritalin PRETTY MUCH since i last posted. I have 10 mg tabs cut into 5 mgs. Most days i never take a 5 mg. I have them aside for when im really struggling. I make sure i never take more than 10 mg a day. And ive only had to do that 2-3 days since ive started. I am so numb, so down, so empty inside. Ill try to respond to each post individually when i have the mental energy. I cant fucking believe how empty i feel... its like one giant hangover from 2 years of fucking about. Am i ever going to feel normal again, what the fuck is normal. Life is passing me by and my mates and family are getting shit done... moving on... getting engaged and im stuck in bed most days. Im constantly thinking about opiates, and how good it would be to just nod out. I know thats a replacement. A different problem. And enduring this fucking shit is the only way out.