TDS Ritalin binge, use spiraling out of control, worst nightmares ever....

[phatass]

Started a long text... too much to explain...

-Recognised adult psychologically "handicaped" worker by state/medical community

-Moved in with gf, we are mad in love, 2+ months ago, been together nearly 2 years.

-Diagnosed adult ADD, Rx'ed 40mg Ritalin ER by psychiatrist who knows my past.

-After over a year to put into place, managed to get into a working reinsertion paid "formation" work activities, 9 to 4/day

-Needed more Ritalin and benzos to cope.

-My gf is in deed deep clinical depression since 3 weeks, it's recurring, but never been this bad in the past 2 years i've known her.

-GF is changing jobs from teaching, her childhood dream, to working in administration, due to crippling anxiety.

-GF is 20 hours of the day in bed depressed

-No idea when she will be working again

-Pulling me into depression

-Took more Ritalin and benzos than Rx to "cope" with my work, rythm of life (9 to 4 five days/week, after +5 years of NO life rythm) and cope with supporting gf, trying to help her, motivate her, the former mentally draining, the latter emotionally draining.

- went to see "normal" doc, got 20mg IR ritalin/ day to stay on top of "work", focus etc. + 20mg valium to cope with ritalin crash + theralene (cyamemazine) to stay asleep (added to my "normal Rx, of mood stabiliser/neuroleptic (Abilify, 2 different anxio benzos, relatively high dose, allthough WAY lower than before, Hypnotic benzo, SSRI and 40mg Ritalin ER...)

-Started "playing" with ER Ritalin, by subligualing... wow, EPH effect, mood lift, ultra productive at work, coping with helping find solutions for gf's situation, "pushing" her to put in place the steps necessary to get out of this infeernal depression.

-Started abusing the fuck out of my IR Ritalin (sublingual and intranasal)

-Recognise signs of strong potential to spiral out of control.....

-3+ weeks clean off opiates, after a 1+ year relapse on opiates, then subs....

-Beat 120mg methadone MMT, to 0mg two years ago, and GBL high dose every 4 hours addiction, CT, recently "beat" subs, and before Ritalin, stable on far lower dose of benzos.

-Allways, went up high dose, eventually stabilised, then tapered down to nothing or strict miimum.

-absolutely NEED, MUST, complete the 6 months re-insertion "work", otherwise EVERYTHING i have built, i WILL lose!!! Hence NEED Ritalin (ADD)

-B-Day yesterday... 28 years old.

-Tight financial situation

-Worst nightmare ever, gf cheated on me (in dream) i walk in on her with my best friend, get caught with narcotics, am expecting long prison time, suicidal thoughts... ALL IN THE DREAM, woke up, went back to sleep, nearly exact same dream, woke up 1 hour max later.

-Immediately S/L'ed 20mg Ritalin ad sniffed 30mg, could not cope

-Terrified to goback to sleep, but need to sleep because work tommrow (it's now 2:30 AM) first went to sleep at 11 PM

- Theralene got me 7 hours solid sleep last night, first time in many years i've slept so well

-Forgot common side effect of theralene, CRAZY DREAMS, often intense, vivid and extremely realistic nightmares.

Any feedback so far... so much more to say that is perinant and comes into the picture... any questions? I think i need help reltively urgently, spiral is getting more dangerous, which will result in failure of work, re-insertion and relationship, i'm constantly worried except when i'm working, or high (Ritaline abus, short lived, 4-FA and 2C-E trip with gf... or MXe high dose alone...)...

Deep down i will make it through this, but how... No drugs/lowering drug dosage is not an option IMO/IME, need to regain control, need therapist/psychologist ASAP (gonna call tomorow, got adress of free center for that...)

NEEDED to epress these things, feel slightly better atm...

Maybe it's just sudden/puntual panic..? Maybe i need to take more "extreme measures"

HELP, serious advice needed, and welcome in thread or by PM!

THANKS for reading and to y'all...

 

[twistedhunter]

never abused ritalin, but abused the shit out of adderal when i was 20, lost 30 pounds in like a month and im a skinny guy so i looked like shit. all i can say is if its causing you problems, u should probably put the pills down. i did get off the roller coaster of adderall and im very glad i did

 

[phatass]

are you ADD? I need it for work... will maybe alternate, unfortunately we don't have any amps here Rx, so will alternate with 2-FMA ocasionnally or pentedrone low dose.....

 

[njirem]

Please do not exchange ritalin for pentedrone or 2FMA...it will only makes things much worse.

I have ADD too, abused my concerta, and decided if i wanted to get sober i can't have any psychoactive medications laying around, so i ditched `the concerta en lyrica too.
Now im only on an snri, efexor, that apart from depression an anxiety helps for my add also a little bit.

Don't convince yourself you 'need ritalin for work', i think that is bullshit. I mean have you even tried?
Some things are just the way they are, nobody is perfect, Add is nowehere nearly as serious as a invalidating psychiatric disease as others.

Having a tought time at work witch concentrating is less worse then being addicted to your meds ffs.

There are non adictive alternatives, wellbutrin and strattera for example, ask your doctor.

 

[phatass]

Modafinil is the only other effeciant ADD med on the market here wellbutrin i doubt very highly will help hatsoever... ADD caused me failing school and uni just here, it's not hugely widespread (advertised) like in the US here the teachers who aren't even doctors, get parents to put their kids on amps...

It's not a long term solution, but atm it's the only ay i can cope, as i said if i fail the re-insertion into a full time job, i'm fucked, everything will crumble.

I just got to get "on top of my game" and take the ritalin therapeutically, it's just a "crutch", i'm gonna call to get regular meetings with a free therapist. Once a month see a psychiatrist who is extremely therapeutic and competant....

Also needed to unload by written all of those things in the original post...

That said your comments and experience are taken into account and appreciated, the more first hand experiences i can gather, the better informed i will be on how to continue so as to keep a good quality of life , how to proceed also when i next see my psychiatrist.

Thanks for your comments njirem!!!

 

[tocooperate]

long time Adderall abuser here, diagnosis ADD.. I know you don't want to hear this but your on an impossible cocktail of drugs (hard to tell from your post the current intake?). trust me I know the feeling of needing to stay on top of your game because the alternative seems like the destruction of EVERYTHING but, you're headed there one way or another. I've been there, heavy abuse feeling like there's no option given financial, professional and educational responsibility.. it ended pretty badly.

you will also not be able to help your gf your current state. first priority is to reduce the Ritalin intake back to therapeutic dosage. thing with add medication is your actually never NEED as much as you think to get through the work day. You cannot mix coping with problems AND survival in workforce, you must deal with them separately if you intend to make it out of this FUBAR vortex.

pm if you need it buddy, were here for you.

 

[aoraki]

Hi, I can relate to your story. I thought I was not able to cope without ritalin. My belief in the drug quickly turned to addiction (I have a very addictive nature- been on H then MMT for 10 years now on subs). I started snorting and plugging as I found this better then my old friend the needle reared its ugly head. Had been off I V for years but one IV injection of ritalin changed the game completely. Dont I.V it, it is much moreish and I ended up compulsively injecting till my script was gone (3 months worth in one weekend by the time I had had enough. Very hard to kick and get away from that blooody needle but now clean and much more focused then I have been in the past. All the best and good luck man

 

[phatass]

Should i try to taper the ritalin like with benzos or opies, or do i just cut my dose into 4-5 from one day to the next? Gotta work too + everyday responsabilities which i am not used to yet...?

I will re-evaluate with my addictologue/psychiatrist in two weeks, and will have some 2-FMA which i will occasionally use in a therapeutic way as much as possible, until i get a new Rx, and try to handle cope the therapeutic Ritalin:stim use, as i've done with benzos and opies, without things spiraling out of control.

Thanks for y'alls input!