Riducufuckinglucious anxiety. :(

[AnythingEverything]

My life feels so out of control at the moment . I've never been great but was clean for 14 years while having kids. ( although have never been addiction free as I was a raging bulimic during that time as well as lots of other little addictions.)

I've been on Suboxone for a year now and also been tapering off the benzos, verrrryyyy slowly, it's been over a year and I'm down to a tiny 20mg of Valium a day which does nothing for me except hold the withdrawals at bay. I was on like 14mg of Xanax a day or a couple of hundred of Valium or equiv of loraz, or all there plus a stack of opiates, alcohol and pysxh drugs. Had three or four psych ward admissions last year plus a hellish detox stay.

I went straight from being a junkie not long kicked out of rehab to stilling everything cold turkey the day I found out I was pregnant with number one who is now 14.5....so I went straight from one lifestyle to that of being a single mum for a short while then married and we had four more kids, totalling 4. In that time I was a super fit personal trainer and gym instructor for ten years and now work 60 hours and 6 days a week as well as my five very well behaved and successful kids with their millions of sports and school commitments. I have no time to deal with my shite!! Plus the fact that I live in an 400 person one horse town hours from the city and therefore any decent support services.

My anxiety is out of control the last two week. I was so crippled by anxiety yesterday, sweating, shaking and even vomiting that I had to ring hubby to come home from his work to work for me . I've lined up an employee for tomorrow just in case , so I'm losing money .

The public psych wards never want to take me even when I'm suucidal because even though I was put to the top of the opiate replacement program because of being high risk, the public hospitals see me as low risk as I have a non using husband, kids who are well looked after and just great, a business, house, 3 cars and lots of friends . They told me because I hadn't actually attempted suicide they wouldn't take me (even though daily I was on a cocktail of opiates, benzos, alcohol and psych drugs or whatever else I could get my hands on. I had to scream and lose the plot for then to let me in. I need to get son private health insurance so I can get in somehwhwre decent but there a year long waiting less.

I've been told all my life (starting with my own mother) that I don't deserve to have problems because I have had a 'good life.' So I feel so guilty for even feeling this way . My life is so blessed and from the outside we look like the picture perfect family but inside I'm a mess.

I have an atods counsellor who is good but I need proper therapy which is so hard to find out here. In particular dialectal behaviour therapy as I have borderline personality disorder. I have found a place three hours away so I'm going to talk to them today to see if I can work anything out. I only get Tuesdays off so it sucks that the travel will take my whole day off but I have to do something. This is the stuff you're supposed to deal with before you have a family and a business! I relapsed after I had our final child and I've been a mess ever snide but this week is just insane. I'm debillitated. Hubby is missing work as a domestic violence counsellor today AGAIN to look after me

I'm on Valium and have a big prob with benzos though I've been successfully tapering for so long. I need to take my whole weeks worth to get any relief and that just is not good because what do I do the rest of the week. Also on 32mg suboxone whuxj does have a slight anti depressant affect but I really don't want to be on it much longer. Also on pristiq which worked for a long time but now supposed to be weaning to start on zyban (bupropion) to quit smoking. I can't wait to start but it's so hard to get off the pristiq. I've barely reduced it at all due to the way I'm feeling. The only other thing I'm on is a beta blocker which does help with acute anxiety .

I exercise, eat well, have great kids and support yet I still feel like absolute crap. Nothing is going to change without therapy, I just have to find time for myself to do more of it. I can't NOT work to go anywhere like rehab although I would like to, we just cannot survive on one income and I can't just ik and leave my kids and hubby either . I'm contracted to run the local pool so I just have to be there.

In desperation I just ordered 90, 2mg Xanax. (.

Thanks for reading my essay . I don't even know the point of writing it except to get it out I guess.

 

[pentouch]

ANd heeeey again ,I feel you,thats why im following your progress. Ive not been prescribed all this stuff you on,and nor am I living busy lifestyle,I have the anxiety too tho. Oh xanax,yeah this stuff,I have some experience with this,but 2 days in row before sleep,that was max,but trough those days I thought that I really need xanax to fall asleep,thats my major anxiety-not falling asleep..had traumatic experience when I couldnt fall asleep while totally exhausted,had insomnia for a week,no sleep at all,I was feeling like shit,I was so anxious that I almost threw up,been there,but I didnt I had very powerful control over my self,but was obsessed with not able to fall asleep,I was thinking every second of that week,how im exhausted ,how im so terribly tired and everything sucks,im going insane,will never sleep...that was my mantra,yes there are good mantras,and bad,now i know. CBT is good like that,a professional can tell you what you have to repeat to your self,how to function propely..but you can do it also by your self,its not rocketscience,but you can say that about pills too,that we dont need them,but yeah its another topic,people who can manage by them selves dont need them,pills dont solve anything,they just HELP,that is help for them who cant manage by them selves.
I know how you feel,its like you have this state of emergency,but no emergencies ...very confusing. But our mind is interesting thing,it always goes down to something it will rest ,when its happy,like you know,after a good accomplished day,you go in your bed all fussy and warm. Its the way I see it,my prism trough I view my anxiety.. I can describe my life as really slow death..Im very passive at living and doesnt have love life,but thats my own fault. You have that core too,it always goes down to something,we all had starting point for anxiety,then we have anxiety because we feel like world is falling apart with our anxiety. Go to that starting point,why do you have it to start with?
If it is work,then work part time,maybe new employee will cost as much as pills and therapists combined?Talking about pills,yes this anxiety could be from chemical mechanism that they make. Brain naturally can produce the stimuli of receptors that make us calm,like I said after the good accomplishment,happy day(for me) ,take that away and it becomes worried ,same pills they talk to our brain,but not to us,not to our life,so take them away and we become worried for no reason,also all sorts of chemicals,that make us more dull and calm,supress the message ,warnings that our brain gives us..im not happy with my life,what to do? take pill,ok,happy. then the question appear again,what to do,im not happy,take a pill. This way we suppress ,this way you have this state of confusion. Tapering is hard,but this is exactly why you doing it,to not confuse your brain will all these pills ,to feel less addicted youll get there,keep your head up enough to see the sky,and youll reach it haha.

PS,criticism is welcomed,my posts arent perfect,if you dont like something,say it,IT will help all of us to understand

 

[AnythingEverything]

Thanks. Yeah I'm trying to find somewhere to get dbt rather than cbt as I know it will suit me and also has been recommended by drs and my husband who works in that area. It will cost a lot and give me even less free time than I already have which can be a bad thjbg but I have to do something . I just hate living out in the sticks where we have no services, the travel, fuel costs and having to organise someone to pick up my kids once a week is stressful but i have to do it. I can't afford to pay someone full time though as we are already trying out hardest to catch up on bills so unfortunately I can't do inpatient at the moment (plus there's nowhere to go until I get private health insurance again and wait out the waiting period.)

Thanks again for relying. It truly sucks doesn't it?