Requesting help and advice regarding possible speed induced insomnia

[annachronism]

I am humbly asking for some advice and judgement free recommendation. I recently received my first complete diagnosis of adult ADHD. I have a pretty severe form that has gone untreated for my entire life. This diagnosis brought so much understanding into my life and finally the ability and opportunity to begin to self heal because I finally could get over and forgive myself for my repeated perceived failures. I also enrolled back into school and for the first time at 30 years old. I am a person who can manage a household and personal finances, can consistently parent her kids with mindful techniques that affirm my role and my confidence as a parent instead of ripping my self esteem to shreds more when I can't maintain them and they don't work. I am a full time student who is finally FINALLY able to perform academically in a way I always knew I could but because I was never able to achieve enough sustained focus or study habits or life stability to access the skills I knew were there I always ended up failing and reaffirming dark DARK negative self image. I am that person who found herself again in the bottom of a cycle of depression so deep that the only way I thought I could survive was to seek help beg for it actually. I was prescribed Ritalin immediately once testing was done and I was given my diagnosis. The psych recommended a s.s.r.i or stronger kinds of anti depressents(can't remember the exact medication) but I was so sick of anti depressants and their complete inability to improve anything. I was skeptical of the Ritalin but the more I read about my condition and as we raised the dosage over the course of two months I really experienced that classic myth/metaphor of the curtain being lifted. I felt as if I finally was beginning to experience the person I always knew I was and could be and never understood why i couldn't get her to come out and stay out. I'm going to cut to the chase. I very quickly connected the dots and understood that although psycho therapy was certainly beneficial. It was the medicine that was doing this "magic" so to speak. I started to think about dependency and tolerance but frankly I didn't care in my mind it was all worth it if even just to be able to really live for a bit. Again cutting to the chase. I rode the new found confidence and very real new ability train all the way to town. I moved out of my parents and got my own very nice place with me and my kids. I picked up what for me was a quite rigorous and challenging study course with university entrance in mind. I wanted to forge a path and to really make progress while I could. I guess I already was starting to develop some suspicions. Skipping ahead again I ran into some road blocks. My stress levels sky rocketed my responsibilities and the demands I now needed to meet quickly multiplied and with them many of my old symptoms. Now though they were stronger or maybe I just could really notice them now as I knew what it was like not to have them. My psych casually mentioned the possibility of adderall if the Ritalin wasn't effective enough anymore. I turned him down but only weeks later when my studies got turned on it's head and I found myself with two months to prepare for a test that should require 6 months a massively challenging test that will make or break my academic goals. I got reckless. I found someone willing to sell me for very cheap powder amphetamine. I decided I'd use it for these two almost three months in as low a dose as possible to accomplish what I needed to and then afterwards switch back to my Ritalin and maybe reduce my dose a bit and chill the fuck out for a bit. Yeah this was a conscious choice one I stand by. I am now one week into it. I have now bought a scale and my doses are low. Tomorrow I will determine how low. The problem I've encountered is I am now on day 7 and in the last two nights I have experienced a powerful and untouchable insomnia. Alcohol doesn't touch it. Kratom doesn't. Melatonin doesn't. And actually I'm. It even feeling very tired I'm just scared because I know two nights of no sleep is dangerous. The last time I dosed was actually noon today and it is now six in the morning. I almost feel like it isn't the speed. I've had insomnia before and once stayed up for 6 nights without a single chemical just my own wired brain. But surely the speed may have triggered it. I can't afford to go without sleep it'll bite me in the ass and I know it. If you made it through this novel. PLEASE I am open to any advice. I need to take the test and I need to perform academically. I feel the small doses of speed is still my best avenue for this. but I know I need to be able to sleep. Again ANY and ALL advice but please make it helpful rather than just." Don't be a tweaker and cut it out"

 

[herbavore]

I think that you need to get back on your scripted dose of Ritalin and leave the other stuff alone. You are very right that this is going to come back and haunt you because insomnia is as much a detriment to optimum brain function as your ADHD may be. I'm also worried that you may be giving up on the psychotherapy (but maybe I read that wrong?) I have ADD myself. I am a very strong advocate of meeting the challenges of that condition (brain orientation) without drugs. I tried Adderall for a week and was like superwoman--who would not think that is her "real" self? In my mind it was equivalent to suddenly having a huge bank account and thinking, "Ah, this is how I was always meant to be living!" Sure it feels great to be energetic, organized, capable of multitasking efficiently etc--but at what cost? You come down from the drug and depression sets in with a vengeance; you find you can't sleep and so the newfound clarity is out the window as you deal with sleep deprivation; you chew your nails or the insides of your cheeks; you experience euphoria in the beginning and a flatness after tolerance sets in. You condition your brain to need speed to feel "normal" when in fact it is not normal for you. Many, many creative minds are ADD. The same aspects that are down-sides can be up-sides if you align your work and activities to work with rather than against the chaos. The best book I read when my son was diagnosed was by a psychiatrist that has ADD. He recommended not getting into work which was repetitive or that required sitting or standing in one place.

I know that my opinion on this is just that: my opinion; and in America, at least, it is a pretty unpopular one. But as a lifelong teacher I feel pretty passionately about it as I see more and more (and younger and younger) people convinced that their particular brain's natural way of functioning is a condition or disease that needs medicating. The last year I taught I had first grade students coming to school on amphetamines. I understand that you are an adult and must make these decisions for yourself--and I do not minimize how difficult the decisions are because I also know how frustrating it can be to have a mind like a damn pinball machine \). But people with these kinds of minds have lots to contribute not in spite of, but because of the particular traits of ADD/ADHD. For the downsides (lack of organization, lack of focus) I learned to depend on strategies (lists!) and to cultivate habits and routines that changed old patterns (fewer lost items). Mindfulness training has helped immensely with the focus issues when I need to focus.

You have a challenging life as a mother and a student and my heart goes out to you as you try to manage it all at the same time. But I really think that building a house of cards around any drug to get through it is a risky proposition. You are seeing the first crack in the miracle right now with the insomnia--but there will be more, particularly if you already have suffered with depression. Keep going to therapy (change therapists if you are not getting anywhere) and at least stick to the prescription from your psychiatrist if you elect to continue a drug approach to the problem.

 

[annachronism]

I wanna really thank you for your reply on a personal level. Your posts offered informed and rational insights to many aspects I was considering and some I hadn't begun to yet. I finally got a solid 4 hours of sleep after being up two nights and just as you described losing all the time and progress I had gained in the last few days because I was too sleep deprived to do anything properly. I think the actual insomnia was actually a result of switching from Ritalin to speed. My brain was used to the Ritalin and wanted those specific chemicals and even though the Speed worked well as a substitute of sorts it wasn't to the same effect. As soon as I took a small dose of my medicine about 15 mg I felt calm enough that when combined with the exhaustion finally helped me calm down enough to be able to fall asleep. I am continuing to see my psychiatrist and my psychologist. My psychiatrist is a huge proponent of treatment with amphetamines combined with rigorous behavioral therapy tonlike you said establish helpful patterns of structure and consistency. I'm working on these things. I guess I got greedy and wanted to push the benefits. I wanted to be even better and I guess try and make up for what I felt was sooo much lost time. Obviously what i did fell outside his recommendations and I can't rally mention it to him without risking interrupting treatment or even being cut off completely. I need to reevaluate my goals though and decide if they're worth it and if I really want to risk it. You may be indeed be right and the only real healthy and middle ground alternative is to go back to and stick with the program. I'm not going to lie to you though and tell you that I may still decide to risk it and stretch the benefits over short periods like the one right now. Like you said its not an easy thing to decide.

 

[herbavore]

Maybe, without specifically telling your psychiatrist that you have already gone beyond the prescribed doses you could bring up the subject of the temptation to do so and ask for suggestions on how to combat those temptations.