goinginfected
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jun 16, 2013
- Messages
- 20
I know this is a lot of words, but PLEASE read.
Let me start off by saying a few things. I have been very stupid and naive about my drug use and turn here to get others ideas and HELP. Please don't criticize my previous drug use because I am aware that my current mental state is entirely my fault. At the moment I plan on going sober of all substances for a very long amount of time, possibly indefinitely, depending on my mental state. Also something worth mentioning is that I am only 17.
Okay, with that said, my entire reality has been rocked by a series of psychotic trips that all have the exact same nature and virtually the same thing happens with the only differences being in location, and the people I was with.
It all started back in February, me and a couple of my good friends were going to a concert, and two of us decided to take 2 blotters of lsd. I unfortunately do not know the dosage on them, only that this was my third time tripping and the two previous times I had only taken one blotter and nothing really bad happened. Even on the other times on lsd I felt slightly anxious/paranoid, but nothing to serious. So after ingesting the 2 blotters, the three of us go to the upstairs seating section. We sit here for about 30 minutes and I can feel myself coming up, I am very excited and at this moment am feeling fantastic and ready to start the night. My friend however thinks he might be having a bad trip. I call another friend (the one who sold us the blotters) and tell her that my friend is beginning to have a bad trip. She starts going through the motions of talking someone down from a bad trip and for the most part it seems to work. This got me thinking though, could I be having a bad trip? Now bear with me here because I don't know how well I can explain this. Over the next few hours I began tripping way harder than I initially thought I would be. At the time, I was so gone I had forgotten that I had taken a drug. For the remainder of the concert I remember nothing of the music or environment, and was in a completely different reality. During this trip I would get repeatedly stuck in time loops and intense feelings of deja vu. When this was happening, I didn't understand what a time loop was, or that I was even on lsd. Its now that I realized that I was not alone, I felt a disturbingly powerful presence there with me, and immediately assumed (at the time I was POSITIVE) that it was God, or some being/deity that was far beyond me or any other human being. I truly believed that my life before this time had been one massive trip, and that my life had been building up to this climactic moment where I was going to discover the meaning behind it all, and then die. I wasnt afraid of death though, at this time I had accepted it. There are several things I missed there, or simply can't remember or explain. The next week I had no idea what had happened to me at all, and just thought it was one huge trip. I started looking up some stuff online, and for a while I believed the experience that I had to be an ego-death.
My drug use was/is pretty bad, I would smoke weed constantly, use MDMA from time to time (sometimes too frequently). Since then I've tripped acid a few more times, I'm unsure of exactly how many times, but it's underneath 10. Now this trip was becoming just a thing of the past, I had tripped lsd since then with no repeat of the bad experience.
Then one time, two of my good friends decided to drop another two blotters and go on a hike into the mountains. Along the way we met with someone who was a mutual friend but I barely knew, he was going with us but was sober. So the trip is fantastic climbing up the mountain and I'm having a great time as my peak comes around. We sit at the top of the mountain, and begin smoke weed. I took a hit, and this is where the looping began, I would take a hit, put the pipe down and think for a moment, time would loop, and I would forget I took hit, and take another. My friends noticed after a while and stopped me, and due to this I got into a brief argument over why I had taken too many hits with the guy who wasn't tripping. This made my environment suddenly incredibly tense and I got extremely paranoid. I tried reasoning with myself, that there was nothing bad going on here, but I couldn't shake that uncomfortable feeling. Whenever I tried to mention that something wasn't quite right here, my friends didn't really seem to respond or care, which my paranoia even worse. We stood up and walked along a path for a little ways when BOOM. Suddenly that EXACT same sense of deja vu. The person I barely know then turns around, and looks at me. Absolute terror goes through me, and I feel as if my heart has exploded from beating to fast. Looking back at me from that guys eyes, was that same presence I had felt from the concert, only this time, it seemed more sinister, less of "God" more of "Devil". That panic only lasts probably a matter of seconds and the presence and deja vu goes away, leaving me in a state of paranoid shock as I come down from the rest of the trip. At this time, I STILL didn't quite understand what happened and the following days dismissed it as another mind fuck bad trip.
About a month later, at a party one of my friends was throwing, I took a couple rolls/ecstasy pills, my roll was going great and I decided to drop a blotter of acid. Once again I don't know the dosage of any of the drugs.. The trip is going great and its towards the end of the night, Im almost done with my peak of lsd, and my roll is coming to a close as well. So we decide to set up a gravity bong in the bathroom, I take one rip of it and stand up. Suddenly everything starts looping again, I can't remember whats being said, my short term memory gone. We go back into the main room and sit down, apparently I was in the middle of trying to explain how I felt at the moment, when that feeling of sheer terror rips through me as suddenly I realize I've been here all before, that my life is one massive trip that has always been that way, and that always will. The horrifying deja vu. Then I catch the gaze of one of the other people at the party, that same awful presence grips me, and I feel as if some higher being is tormenting me. Then just like that the presence vanishes, and I'm left in shock and confusion as to what just happened. The acid wears off, and still feeling shooken, I decide to get drunk, and this makes me feel great again, and I eventually pass out.
Now 2 days go this is the next and most recent time its happened, and why it concerned me SO much more then any of the other times before is because I did not take lsd. There was no acid involved at all. I had gone to a concert and rolled and had a great time, probably one of the best concerts of my life. Then we get back to my friends house, and some other people show up to hang out. We have more ecstasy so we divide it all up and rail it. After railing it Ive done a total of 4 pills that night. The roll is great, then we start blazing. We smoke a lot of bowls, I dont remember the exact number. Then once im extremely baked, the looping starts. I never seem to notice the looping start, It's only when I walked inside when I feel that extreme fear, that I am now back in that exact same feeling, that exact same trip, that horrible deja vu. I look over to my friend (actually one of my friends this time and not just some random dude) and then suddenly that presence is there again, reminding me I'm still tripping, that time is some joke, some stupid loop. That I am going to be in this hellish trip forever. Then just like that its gone, and once again Im in bewilderment. Now the next morning, which was yesterday morning, it seems this has fucked with my head more then the other times. I feel extremely anxious and paranoid, and every now and then I got a flash of streaks on the walls, which sort of looked like eyes. I feel like this was just due to me being extremely nervous and still having that happen so recently.
I dont understand why it happened without lsd. But after talking with some people it definitely seems that weed was involved, every time except for the concert back in February. I've come to the conclusion that its some sort of schizophrenic, psychotic episode, that my brain seems to repeat when I reach some form of being fucked up. I've talked to a very trusted friend about this in depth, and he's said that he thinks that the lsd could have caused some underlying mental problems, and that the "nightmare trip" is a psychotic episode induced by the drugs. So at the moment I dont plan to take any drugs again, especially not the hallucinogens, I might try mdma again in the way future, if my mental state is more stable. The thing thats really concerning me is that this happened without lsd, and Im incredibly worried that it might happen one day while sober. One thing I've always known after a trip is that anything I saw/felt is just the drugs. But since this has repeated, and off of different combinations of substances, I think there may be something wrong with my brain. Now according to some of my friends, yes there may be something wrong, but sobriety and proper health will over time resolve the issues. So I seem to be worrying about it more than anyone else. My entire reality has been rocked, and I still feel anxious and paranoid, and that theres a possibility my but am confident as more days go by that will fade. I just wish I had never taken lsd, I have no idea whats happening/has happened to me. Whether its just a glitch in my brain, schizophrenia, psychosis or whatever, I hope it never happens to me again.
My current plan is to go completely sober for a long time, start taking lots of vitamins and fish oils, in a hope to never have this psychotic episode whatever the fuck ever again. If it ever happens to again while sober, I'll go to a psychiatrist and hopefully get it fixed. If I have to start taking anti-psychotics I'm worried that will start other issues though...
So please don't scare/worry me with your responses, I'm already shaken enough. What I need right now is reassurance and recommendations as where to go from here. I really hope the universe isn't one huge time looping nightmare trip, and I hope I never have to go through that again.
Let me start off by saying a few things. I have been very stupid and naive about my drug use and turn here to get others ideas and HELP. Please don't criticize my previous drug use because I am aware that my current mental state is entirely my fault. At the moment I plan on going sober of all substances for a very long amount of time, possibly indefinitely, depending on my mental state. Also something worth mentioning is that I am only 17.
Okay, with that said, my entire reality has been rocked by a series of psychotic trips that all have the exact same nature and virtually the same thing happens with the only differences being in location, and the people I was with.
It all started back in February, me and a couple of my good friends were going to a concert, and two of us decided to take 2 blotters of lsd. I unfortunately do not know the dosage on them, only that this was my third time tripping and the two previous times I had only taken one blotter and nothing really bad happened. Even on the other times on lsd I felt slightly anxious/paranoid, but nothing to serious. So after ingesting the 2 blotters, the three of us go to the upstairs seating section. We sit here for about 30 minutes and I can feel myself coming up, I am very excited and at this moment am feeling fantastic and ready to start the night. My friend however thinks he might be having a bad trip. I call another friend (the one who sold us the blotters) and tell her that my friend is beginning to have a bad trip. She starts going through the motions of talking someone down from a bad trip and for the most part it seems to work. This got me thinking though, could I be having a bad trip? Now bear with me here because I don't know how well I can explain this. Over the next few hours I began tripping way harder than I initially thought I would be. At the time, I was so gone I had forgotten that I had taken a drug. For the remainder of the concert I remember nothing of the music or environment, and was in a completely different reality. During this trip I would get repeatedly stuck in time loops and intense feelings of deja vu. When this was happening, I didn't understand what a time loop was, or that I was even on lsd. Its now that I realized that I was not alone, I felt a disturbingly powerful presence there with me, and immediately assumed (at the time I was POSITIVE) that it was God, or some being/deity that was far beyond me or any other human being. I truly believed that my life before this time had been one massive trip, and that my life had been building up to this climactic moment where I was going to discover the meaning behind it all, and then die. I wasnt afraid of death though, at this time I had accepted it. There are several things I missed there, or simply can't remember or explain. The next week I had no idea what had happened to me at all, and just thought it was one huge trip. I started looking up some stuff online, and for a while I believed the experience that I had to be an ego-death.
My drug use was/is pretty bad, I would smoke weed constantly, use MDMA from time to time (sometimes too frequently). Since then I've tripped acid a few more times, I'm unsure of exactly how many times, but it's underneath 10. Now this trip was becoming just a thing of the past, I had tripped lsd since then with no repeat of the bad experience.
Then one time, two of my good friends decided to drop another two blotters and go on a hike into the mountains. Along the way we met with someone who was a mutual friend but I barely knew, he was going with us but was sober. So the trip is fantastic climbing up the mountain and I'm having a great time as my peak comes around. We sit at the top of the mountain, and begin smoke weed. I took a hit, and this is where the looping began, I would take a hit, put the pipe down and think for a moment, time would loop, and I would forget I took hit, and take another. My friends noticed after a while and stopped me, and due to this I got into a brief argument over why I had taken too many hits with the guy who wasn't tripping. This made my environment suddenly incredibly tense and I got extremely paranoid. I tried reasoning with myself, that there was nothing bad going on here, but I couldn't shake that uncomfortable feeling. Whenever I tried to mention that something wasn't quite right here, my friends didn't really seem to respond or care, which my paranoia even worse. We stood up and walked along a path for a little ways when BOOM. Suddenly that EXACT same sense of deja vu. The person I barely know then turns around, and looks at me. Absolute terror goes through me, and I feel as if my heart has exploded from beating to fast. Looking back at me from that guys eyes, was that same presence I had felt from the concert, only this time, it seemed more sinister, less of "God" more of "Devil". That panic only lasts probably a matter of seconds and the presence and deja vu goes away, leaving me in a state of paranoid shock as I come down from the rest of the trip. At this time, I STILL didn't quite understand what happened and the following days dismissed it as another mind fuck bad trip.
About a month later, at a party one of my friends was throwing, I took a couple rolls/ecstasy pills, my roll was going great and I decided to drop a blotter of acid. Once again I don't know the dosage of any of the drugs.. The trip is going great and its towards the end of the night, Im almost done with my peak of lsd, and my roll is coming to a close as well. So we decide to set up a gravity bong in the bathroom, I take one rip of it and stand up. Suddenly everything starts looping again, I can't remember whats being said, my short term memory gone. We go back into the main room and sit down, apparently I was in the middle of trying to explain how I felt at the moment, when that feeling of sheer terror rips through me as suddenly I realize I've been here all before, that my life is one massive trip that has always been that way, and that always will. The horrifying deja vu. Then I catch the gaze of one of the other people at the party, that same awful presence grips me, and I feel as if some higher being is tormenting me. Then just like that the presence vanishes, and I'm left in shock and confusion as to what just happened. The acid wears off, and still feeling shooken, I decide to get drunk, and this makes me feel great again, and I eventually pass out.
Now 2 days go this is the next and most recent time its happened, and why it concerned me SO much more then any of the other times before is because I did not take lsd. There was no acid involved at all. I had gone to a concert and rolled and had a great time, probably one of the best concerts of my life. Then we get back to my friends house, and some other people show up to hang out. We have more ecstasy so we divide it all up and rail it. After railing it Ive done a total of 4 pills that night. The roll is great, then we start blazing. We smoke a lot of bowls, I dont remember the exact number. Then once im extremely baked, the looping starts. I never seem to notice the looping start, It's only when I walked inside when I feel that extreme fear, that I am now back in that exact same feeling, that exact same trip, that horrible deja vu. I look over to my friend (actually one of my friends this time and not just some random dude) and then suddenly that presence is there again, reminding me I'm still tripping, that time is some joke, some stupid loop. That I am going to be in this hellish trip forever. Then just like that its gone, and once again Im in bewilderment. Now the next morning, which was yesterday morning, it seems this has fucked with my head more then the other times. I feel extremely anxious and paranoid, and every now and then I got a flash of streaks on the walls, which sort of looked like eyes. I feel like this was just due to me being extremely nervous and still having that happen so recently.
I dont understand why it happened without lsd. But after talking with some people it definitely seems that weed was involved, every time except for the concert back in February. I've come to the conclusion that its some sort of schizophrenic, psychotic episode, that my brain seems to repeat when I reach some form of being fucked up. I've talked to a very trusted friend about this in depth, and he's said that he thinks that the lsd could have caused some underlying mental problems, and that the "nightmare trip" is a psychotic episode induced by the drugs. So at the moment I dont plan to take any drugs again, especially not the hallucinogens, I might try mdma again in the way future, if my mental state is more stable. The thing thats really concerning me is that this happened without lsd, and Im incredibly worried that it might happen one day while sober. One thing I've always known after a trip is that anything I saw/felt is just the drugs. But since this has repeated, and off of different combinations of substances, I think there may be something wrong with my brain. Now according to some of my friends, yes there may be something wrong, but sobriety and proper health will over time resolve the issues. So I seem to be worrying about it more than anyone else. My entire reality has been rocked, and I still feel anxious and paranoid, and that theres a possibility my but am confident as more days go by that will fade. I just wish I had never taken lsd, I have no idea whats happening/has happened to me. Whether its just a glitch in my brain, schizophrenia, psychosis or whatever, I hope it never happens to me again.
My current plan is to go completely sober for a long time, start taking lots of vitamins and fish oils, in a hope to never have this psychotic episode whatever the fuck ever again. If it ever happens to again while sober, I'll go to a psychiatrist and hopefully get it fixed. If I have to start taking anti-psychotics I'm worried that will start other issues though...
So please don't scare/worry me with your responses, I'm already shaken enough. What I need right now is reassurance and recommendations as where to go from here. I really hope the universe isn't one huge time looping nightmare trip, and I hope I never have to go through that again.
(professional psychological (!) help may be advisable nevertheless - given your age there is some chance that these episodes triggered/intensified a (natural) transformation process that might feel like too much right now. I can't tell you if this is necessary but I'd advise you to stay away from psychiatry/psychiatric medication if it's not absolutely necessary...)
