Release

[Strawberry_lovemuffin]

OMG.... alert. I think I'm getting .... braver. Here's another. I want to tell you what it's about but, I won't , unless you want me to - try to guess

Release
I swim in this new freedom,
Exploring it, fearing it

It surrounds me like an ocean,
Vast, monstrous beauty
And I feel small.

Tired already from flailing my arms,
Searching for somewhere to cling.
Nothing looks familiar...
How did I end up here?

Islands ago I remember another sea
like this.
But did it feel so - large?

Cold, numb fingers find only
slippery driftwood
Which breaks and crumbles in my grip.

As far above,
Seagulls hawk in lonely symphonies.

Too much... I am tired
I will sink. I will drown in this
giant's womb.

Let it take me... I will rest.
I will open my arms and bare my
face to the sky.

Ah.... Sweet relief now, to watch from this angle

As baby-pink blushes and crayon-orange
stain the newly forming dawn.

And all is silent.

Except a rushing of hope in my ears.....
lapping, tickling promises. Oh Joy!
I am calm, I can breathe.....

For the giant cradles me;
And instead of drowning; I float.

 

[New]

Only through letting go of the desperation of hopelessness does one find hope. I could feel myself freezing over as I read this. It touched me, as your last one did. I'm not sure why, but you poetry seems to speak volumes to me.

 

[Amanita Mary]

awww... this reminds me of being unsure in a man's arms... knowing that you should be absolutely contently comfortable - but held back somehow... and then - the very few posess the spirit to actually entice that sort of comfort - beautiful when found... thank you once again

 

[Strawberry_lovemuffin]

^ Interesting interpretations! I think it's really cool that you both got something different out of the poem, which probably reflects where you're at in your lives too.

The reality is a little more literal though

It's actually about being single again after the breakup of a long-term relationship, and completely floundering without someone there... really does feel like being cast into a huge, scary ocean all alone. But rather than fighting against this new state, embracing it, and finally learning to just be alone wasn't as scary as I had thought. It's about what it is to be free-floating, without the buoy of.... well.... a boy

 

[(Wordy)]

There's a lot I like about this. Some fantastic imagery and deft lines...

My favourite part:

Islands ago I remember another sea
like this.
But did it feel so - large?

Cold, numb fingers find only
slippery driftwood
Which breaks and crumbles in my grip.

As far above,
Seagulls hawk in lonely symphonies.

 

[Strawberry_lovemuffin]

Thankyou Wordy, it's oh so ego-boosting to have parts of your poem quoted, and all the more so coming from you!

Although I'm not brave enough yet to ask for general criticism of my pieces I'd like to ask you a specific question. I know one of the weaknesses of my poetry is that I can be a bit lazy sometimes and fall back on cliches. Look, *sometimes* something original pops out, but more often than not I find, frustratingly, the only thing that comes to mind are adjectives I've probably pinched from memories of a thousand other poems and books I've read...at the worst, they're just downright predictable and yawn-worthy.

this is far from the worst example but let's take this:

As baby-pink blushes and crayon-orange
stain the newly forming dawn.

Baby-pink? How do you think I could have made this picture hit the mark in a more original way? I'm interested in your thoughts.

 

[(Wordy)]

I actually like those two lines. In contemporary poetry it's become a lot more common to use colloquial, everyday, household language to describe things - "baby-pink" and "crayon-orange" obviously fit into this category.

I think these images do work because they're somewhat unexpected and startling (to me anyway - despite what you might think). If I were you, I'd stick with them. They definitely fit together as a pair, and also fit with the childlike aspects of the poem (being cradled by a giant, etc).

If I can take another set of lines from the poem:

It surrounds me like an ocean,
Vast, monstrous beauty
And I feel small.

They're certainly not bad, and they work in the context of the poem, but they're not unexpected and startling. How to make them unexpected and startling is the twenty million dollar question. I wouldn't recommend replacing adjectives by referring to a thesaurus, although this can sometimes give you ideas about how to rephrase your lines. And I think rephrasing is the key. It's all about experimenting with different ways of saying what you want to say, and allowing your lines to morph into something quite different (and therefore not being too precious about them). Sometimes I'll write a poem in a couple of hours, but then there'll be a few lines which just aren't working, and I end up spending months (or sometimes years) trying to get those lines right! Sometimes it takes a more lateral solution - removing the lines entirely, changing other parts of the poem, or placing the lines in a different order. Experiment and play around, doodle, revise, redraft, reshape, roll a dice... whatever it takes!

You definitely seem to understand what is at stake though: the need to make metaphors and imagery unusual and unpredictable. Generally speaking, it's when poets pull this off that poetry becomes vivid and memorable.