Word. So I met my girl when I was on methadone for a couple years and not on the needle. I been using since I was 19 and I was 32 when we met. She was 25. I had a good period where I had cash and an apartment and shit and just started feeling lonely. Then I posted some nice pictures on POF and this girl messages me and we kind of hit it off a bit. Then she comes and meets me around when the pandemic started. Like literally the first 2 weeks of lockdown. So she gets stuck at my place cuz we r paro to bring it parents. Also surprise shes feeling sick, cuz surprise shes pregnant, which we didnt didnt know.. Which was crazy to me but she was just so damn healthy. Take in mind this girl is completely straight. Like I told her my past but u know how people with no history of that world at all think about your past. Its like a single thought. "Oh he was fucked in the past." ANd thats that. Not taking into account just how fucking insane everything was. Anyway. I tell her I am a fucking nut and we have to have an abortion cuz were gonna be eating catfood with our kid. Also I barely even like this girl at this point. Shes just so fucking picky and needs everything to be a certain way and needs well...not me lol. But I soldier through. And shes not having an abortion.
Now shes pregnant. I don't want to break it off cuz shes pregnant and Im trying to do the right thing and be supportive. Im texting her lots and all the while thinking omg this is never gonna work. Basically I was just waiting for my opportunity once he was born to break it off. Take in this girl is very shy. She barely ever says what she is thinking unless u drag it out of her. Also, she has good character and is smart but has no world experience. So I barely know this girl cuz it takes forever to get to know her, shes at her parents a lot, etc etc.
7 months into her pregnancy I just cant take the stress anymore. Im literally losing my damn mind from the stress of a pregnant woman I barely know, thinking of housing, my addiction, and my conscience because even tho I'm a terrible junky I want to be there for my kid drug free so I'm like how the fuck am I gonna get from here to there?? Anyway that year was sort of hell. So now I relapse on Diladud. Im getting like a shit tons of diladud 8's Im paying like nothing for them. Someone I know is on the diladud maintance program and doesnt take em. So now I'm off my drink and back on the needle 2 monhts before my kid is born. The type of relapse you just cant tell anyone. I told 2 people I could trust and that was that. I had to hide my use even at the hospital when my son was born I was high. I look back at some of the first photos and am so ashamed.
After our son is born, things are still pretty shit for a while. All we both know is that we love our son with everything and r gonna do everything we can for him. We r still together, in a limited way. I'm waiting for this "Shes gonna change when she has a kid man" fantasy everyone keeps telling me about. "give her time." And I did. Oh also when he was born, almost immediately, I detoxed off the dilaud under the guise of detoxing off my methadone, and saying I then failed such detox. Really I went back to the clinic and started at 15 or whatever it was. I was so sick cuz I was taking like 60-100 mg of dilaud a day. Which if u know anything about diladud lol..... When I would get sick. I was literally in outer space. Anyway I do this fucking withdrawl, get back stable on methadone eventually, earn back my carries.
Now my girl and I start getting closer. I dunno just little things. Conversations come easier, secrets shared, sex getting really good. Things r still tough between us then. I just couldnt imagine my future with her.
Then one day we had this awesome phone convo and I thought thats weird? I really liked that. More convos liek that in sued.
THen I dunno how to really describe it. The flood gates opened? I dunno what happened I just fell so deeply in love with this woman, the mother of my chilld. I started to see what I thought I wanted wasnt what I wanted at all. I realized what I wanted was right infront of me here this whole time. I shook my head and all of a sudden I was like this girl is freaking gorgeous, shes young, shes smart, shes an AMAZING mother, shes super attentive, she is absolutely head over heels for me, and the sex is literally the best sex of my life, and we have fun. I thought what the fuck was I thinking? I was gonna throw all this away for what? Cuz she wasnt the best conversationalist? Cuz she didnt fit this preconcieved idea of what I wanted. Cuz in a way we were forced together. I felt like such a fool. And then I felt happy. Extremely happy. Like what kind of magic is this where I find out that the mother of my child which was concieved 2 weeks into a new relationship is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with? Then I found out that she was secretly super in love with me this whole time and surpressing it.. I dunno the whole damn thing is out of a fairy tale.
But u wanted to know about the addiction. Well Im on 2 weeks methadone withdrawal now. ANd guess what. I found a bottle of oxies the other day and didnt take a single one. Nothing is gonna fucking stop me from being well with my babies. Im gonna quit smoking after, quit eating sugar. All of it. Lifes doing a 180. Its HARD AS FUCK. You have to be extremely motivated. They saved my life. Theres so many little random problems that come with quitting. And both have to be really dedicated. Shes my biggest fan tho and my biggest supporter and we just yearn for a time when we can be together happy healthy and stable. (We both at parents atm)
But thats just me. My experience with relationships and addicts is it doesnt work. I wanted to be clean before I met her. If she wasnt the mother of my child and the love of my life, I wouldn't be nearly as motivated. I fear this is gonna give some people a saviour complex. U can't save people. My girl got lucky that I am such a suck and care about my kids(her and my kid lol) more than anything. I guess it depends just how fucked up the people are. There are obviously some people beyond help. Just too much trauma. Not to toot my own horn but I am a thoughtful and reflective person. If someone doesnt have that attribute... I dunno about relationship healing.
