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Relationships in early recovery

Hector

Hector

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 1, 2004
Messages
309
Location
London
I hear it said in meetings that it's suggested not to get into a relationship in you're first year of recovery. Has anyone done so and what have your experiences been?

I've met a girl and we've been out and i'd like to be in a relationship because i think it might help fix me. I know that sounds all kind of wrong but loneliness has been a major obstacle in my recovery and has led to numerous relapses. My thinking tells me that if i'm with someone i won't be obsessing about using drugs. Nope, i'll probably just be obsessing about the relationship instead. :(

Fuck, i get so depressed and then something good knocks at my door and it looks as though i'll have to turn it away. Sometimes i just feel like giving up...
 
They definitely say avoid it.. its just our emotional response is kinda wacky so people can end up in love with the wrong person and other things. That being said I say go for it. Just dont make any life changing decisions.. like dont marry them in a few weeks. Just keep it simple and fun and I think you'll be fine.
 
Personally I don't believe in that rule. Life is short - if you meet someone amazing - spend time with them, be it as friends or more than that. Just try to keep your eyes open and remember your emotional responses may be a bit up and down.
 
I think it's bullshit.

The fact that you're think she is going to be the one to fix you should be riinging alarm bells loud and clear though. You are the only person who can fix you.

There are three relationships in every relationship. Your relationship with yourself, your partner's relationship with themself, and the relationship between the two of you. Unless all those are functioning on a healthy basis, it's bad news.
 
I do agree that no one else can "fix" you - that's a bad mentality to go into a relationship with no matter whether you're kicking drugs or not.

But relationships CAN be healing... it's just you can't go into them thinking "ok what can I get from this person, how can this person help me or fix me or fix my life". If you go into it with the attitude of - "I like this person, and they like me. I want to make them happy", then what can come out of a healthy relationship is often improved self esteem, which helps you fix other areas of your life. But you still need to do the work - work on yourself and your recovery. And again, you can't go into the relationship thinking how the other person is gonna fix you or what they can do for you. That's a recipe for disaster.

I disagree that everyone has to be fully 100% functioning or there's no point in having a relationship, though. In the real world we're all works in progress, at various levels of functioning depending on what's going on in our lives. If you're totally fucked up, sure, you shouldn't be seeing someone, but I mean, we all have problems. Abstaining from the possibility of lust, friendship, love, ect, because we're not perfect yet, seems like an unneccessarily harsh way to go through life.
 
Thanks for the responses. I was pretty down when i posted that and i've spoken to a few people about the situation since. I understand that no one can fix me other than myself so i'm working on improving my issues, like my self-esteem by putting my recovery first. Also, i'm going to remain vigilant around my emotions and if need be i have my sponsor and other friends for support.

I'm seeing her again and i'm just going to see what happens, no expectations. I'm sure we'll have fun and if we don't end up in a relationship then we will at least remain friends. I've got nothing to lose, so really there was nothing to worry about! :)
 
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There is no "official" recommendation and to be honest the 1 year rule is kinda fading (hardly anyone follows it). It tends to be said by "old timers" in my experience and is most prevalent in AA but I have heard NA "Dinos" recommend it.

I have to admit, my use prevented me from forming many romantic relationships. For me to get in one now wouldn't be the best idea. But if it happens it happens.

One must be very careful. Remember lots of sick people in the rooms and lots of the general public do not understand that addiction robs many addicts of choice when it comes to using.
 
Been a while since I posted in sober living but having finished step 10 with my sponsor and approaching 2.5 years clean and seeing this topic opened me up.
First sponsor said no relationship for a year. I went against it and had many a series of depressing relationships as they would return to using while I stayed clean. My current sponsor gave guidance saying don't sleep with anyone in my home group so if things fall through I don't have to see them ever again and I have to say that was important for me. Been seeing current girl for almost a year now, she's a coworker and doesn't drink or do drugs: best relationship possible. I'd say date outside of recovery for best success as even people with clean time are still addicts and the thought of them using haunted me as that would definitely be the ending point as I don't want that in my life today. Let's not forget that addicts can be seriously mentally sick with lying and manipulation even without drugs which can also be a worrying thought. Not advice, just my experience.
 
My sponsor once told me "That thing about no relationships early in recovery - it's total bullshit. Don't get me wrong, it might be a good idea, it's just that nobodies ever actually done it." Suffice to say I laughed my ass off. He was joking (mostly), but anyway I did infact get into a serious relationship early in recovery. I don't regret it because it showed me that I never TRULY loved anyone before until this girl, but as strong as the emotions were positive in the relationship, they were equally if not more strong negatively when it ended. I won't say not to get into a relationship, but will rather give the same advice as my sponsor gave me: Don't underestimate the power of feeling emotions for the first time in years, and don't make your significant other your higher power. I don't mean that just in a spiritual or even 12 step sense, I mean don't become codependent. Don't let your entire existence depend on the existence of your significant other. That's a dangerous road to go down, especially in recovery.

Otherwise I'd say go for it. Just be aware of these things and be careful.
 
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