Relationship with Parents

[malakaix]

I think im beginning to realize that the relationship i would like to have with my parents is nothing more then an ideal that is simply not possible.

When i was 18 i moved out of home and went through the typical angst against my parents, i lived with housemates for 3 years and learnt a great deal about myself in that time. I moved back home this year in April due to unforeseen circumstances regarding my housemates and living arrangements, i saw this as an opportunity to mend the relationship with my parents with the insight i gained through living with different people and places for years. In an attempt to reach out i opened up about all drug use and my lifestyle in general, i would say we've made considerable progress in the sense that i am more open and respectful of them then when i was younger, and in turn they respect me as my own person.

However, there's still this primal desire for independence.. the mere presence of my parents can make me feel like im 15 years old again, despite the understanding we have with each other. I'm almost certain living with them destroys my sense of self-dependence, which is disappointing because i genuinely believed i could relate to them in the same manner i would to anyone outside of my family.. but the child-parent psychological and emotional bond is too strong. So although i get along with them, i still want to rebel if im around them long enough... as though theirs some unresolved issue.

I plan to travel independently overseas early next year for some time, i really dont know if im running away from some issue here.. if im trying to prove my independence to them, or if im just simply moving on with life. There's a part of me that wish's they would forget about me entirely, almost like some romantic idealism to disappear into the world and live a different life, but then the other part of me really enjoys the closeness of family.

I think living with them has reached its limits, theirs no arguing or fights.. everything is dead quiet, i love them, but im also bored of them if that makes sense.. i feel done here, time to move on..

I see some people who have fantastic relationships with there parents, some that have terrible relationships (such as my cousins) and others that just move on completely. My father's spent the majority of his life on the other side of the world to where his mother is, he still loves her and would visit on occasion but she wasn't a big part of his life, my mother lives 5000km's away from her parents.. maybe this has rubbed off on me in the same way. Any opinions or experiences? Im just writing this as it comes to me..

Thanks

 

[Thou]

Unfortunately, sometimes we just out-evolve our elders.

I don't speak with my father, but I'm currently in a situation somewhat similar to yours.

Being here makes me want to change my mother so she can relate to me in a healthy way. These efforts have been bellitted, berated, and proven useless. It's unfortunate but I simply have a more complex grasp on things than she, and she takes offense at the smallest of things.

It's impossible to communicate with her. If you get a chance to view my blog you'll see a few examples.

Sometimes we just have to agree to disagree. It's unfortunate, but ultimately the only choice. You can't get blood from a stone.

 

[malakaix]

Unfortunately, sometimes we just out-evolve our elders.

Yeah i think your right here, I feel like there stuck and while im around them so am i.. i slow down as a person, i forgot to mention theirs a huge generational gap of 40 years between my age and there's, so i would say there rather set with how they view certain aspects of life, even if there views are grossly outdated with the information available today.

 

[Lysis]

I don't think I'm in the same circumstance, but I've been depressed before and was so depressed that I lost my job and threatened my home. I would have moved in with my sister instead of my mom or dad. I believe I have (as Thou put it) out-evolved my parents. My dad is a nice guy, but he has his own problems. My mom is psychotic (I moved out because of several reasons, but I believe she has a psychiatric problem and used to have a mood swing, screaming at my sis and me calling us bitches and telling us we ruined her life and allowing married men to come in and out of the house, steal from us and her and even gave them money to the point that her house was going into foreclosure.)

I moved out to get away from my mom, and she played so many mind games even after I was out that I told her she would no longer have a relationship with me until she saw a psychiatrist. She still hasn't, but instead enjoys the attention she gets from telling people what horrible kids we are (my sis no longer talks to her).

That being said, this has given me a huge independent feeling. I think it might be a little different, because I'm older and have lived on my own since about 21. I'm the first to graduate college in my family, and I am liberal while my parents are conservative. You're growing into your own, making your own decisions, and determining where you stand in life. Lots of times, this is different than what you're parents think. Sometimes, you grow into a person who doesn't have the same thoughts and experiences as your parents. I think it's important, though, to respect their position just like you respect your own. That will help you get along with them. If they don't agree with you, let it go and just avoid the conversation. There is no need to argue politics with your parents. Better to enjoy them while they are around, IMO, because one of these days, they won't be.

If you had a good childhood and are able to do what you want thanks to their upbringing, be thankful for that and just enjoy them being your parents. There is nothing wrong with feeling independent and needing to stay out of the house. I don't think I could ever move back.

 

[llama112]

Seems like moving out would be ideal. For me, I used to fight all the time with my parents. I moved out at age 17 for university, I was back for the next summer, but since then, I haven't been back for more than a week or so at a time (holidays, etc.). My parents and I get along soooo well now. We have the type of relationship where we just get along much better if we don't see each other all the time. They treat me like an adult. We don't get bored of each other because we don't see each other daily. We see each other every month or so (I like about 2-3 hours away from them) and we email and stuff, but it is NOT the same as living together.

It sounds like your relationship has improved. But you've probably reached the time where you should move out. Going overseas would be just fine for that.

 

[J.Wallace]

It would seem as though most people have a shaky relationship with their parents, or parent. My parents got divorced when I was 5, and I grew up with my mother and my grandmother. My father didn't come back into the picture till I was about 8 or 9 I think. I mostly remember being very closed off to him, I was angry for him leaving me, as I'm sure many kids my age feel about their parents when they get divorced. I eventually opened up to him, but we've had a rocky relationship all the way up till my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer. He started coming around more to take care of us, and I eventually saw he wasn't a bad guy at all, he meant well and was always there for me.

I loved my mother. She was not only my mother, but my best friend. I could talk to her about literally anything. I'd tell her I needed money for drugs, she'd give me some money. I could tell her problems I was having with myself, or with friends. Everyone of my friends loved her, she would be so nice and generous. If any of them needed a place to stay for the night, she'd let them know our home is their home. She was the sweetest women you'd ever meet. She passed away last year, and I've been living with my father ever since.

Our relationship has been, well...rocky. We get along, we don't really fight or argue anymore because we've since learned how to talk and deal with each other, but our relationship is not very open. I don't feel like I can talk to him about anything. I can't even openly discuss my drug use, a big part of my life right now as I'm in a very confused time right now. I can't even open to him about my depression or mental issues. It just feels, I don't know...weird. I wish I had the relationship I had with my mother. He means well, he is a parent, he supports me in every thing I do but he is not exactly the best father, if you know what I mean. He had a previous marriage and has two daughters, my half sisters, but even their relationship with him is strained at best. He just never learned how to be a proper father.

It's not unnatural to have the feelings you do. After all, it seems everyone has a strained relationship with their parents. And those that don't, seem to have other things wrong with them. I guess it's a part of growing up, learning how to deal with such strain.

 

[Thou]

My mom is psychotic (I moved out because of several reasons, but I believe she has a psychiatric problem and used to have a mood swing, screaming at my sis and me calling us bitches and telling us we ruined her life and allowing married men to come in and out of the house, steal from us and her and even gave them money to the point that her house was going into foreclosure.)

I moved out to get away from my mom, and she played so many mind games even after I was out that I told her she would no longer have a relationship with me until she saw a psychiatrist. She still hasn't, but instead enjoys the attention she gets from telling people what horrible kids we are (my sis no longer talks to her).

Replace mom with dad and we're talking the EXACT same situation when I grew up, although both me and my sister no longer speak with my father. He may be dead, for all I know. I wish him no ill health however and hope he finds the peace we all deserve, but he was a king-hell angry bastard was psychotic with delusions of grandeur, self-serving, always had to be some kind of 'hero' in other peoples eyes (giving away things to people to look charitable while his family was losing its house and his son was wearing clothes/shoes like 6 years old and literally falling off of me).

Sometimes, you grow into a person who doesn't have the same thoughts and experiences as your parents. I think it's important, though, to respect their position just like you respect your own. That will help you get along with them. If they don't agree with you, let it go and just avoid the conversation. There is no need to argue politics with your parents. Better to enjoy them while they are around, IMO, because one of these days, they won't be.

I finished it off on the ten minute walk home listening to Tchich Nhat Hahn trying to regain my whits and regain my mindfulness, went home and tried to talk to my mother who at first adamantly refused because she had better things to do apparently (watch the food network) so I forced it. It got to a point where I told her I was having trouble having compassion for those I resent. She is largely unfamiliar with this subject and as a result became irate saying something along the lines of "thats the stupidest thing I've ever heard." This came after I told her that there basically were only two states of being which were love and fear, and I wanted to chose love.

I just wrote this not a moment ago, trying to transcribe the past few days events for lack of some other reasonable activity.

Sometimes it's just not worth it. I know the longing and hopelessness that occurs when you've no one who shares your genomes that you can relate to spiritually, intellectually, politically, etc. It's tough and there should be some kind of support group thread on here for it. I'm sure there is but I lack the time to find it now and may later or just make one if the search is of no avail.

 

[Lysis]

I think the older crowd are at a point where they are still in that mindset where we are the kids and they are the parent and we are supposed to just deal with their shortcomings and respect them anyway. I can deal with most things but when it gets to a point that they are being completely cruel all bets are off. I think it's that old school thought that kids should just let parents walk all over you and kids are not doing that anymore. After dealing with my moms issues, I don't blame kids for being rebellious when they get older and just leave the house and avoid their parents.

 

[herbavore]

I have complementary perspectives on this, as a daughter who rebelled and ran away as a young girl and as a mom of two fine young men (one deceased). I think it is both natural and necessary for children/young adults to go through a complete severing of their own identity from that of their parents. It is a natural stage of defining ourselves as adults even in the healthiest of families. It can be painful for a parent to go through this. Suddenly the little person that has revered you, subscribed to all your values as their own and taken your view of the world as reality wakes up and says,"wait a goddamn minute... who says?"

I have to say that for me this was one of the most exciting and rewarding time of parenting. Sure, it was hard,too, but to see your kids form their own opinions, challenge yours, bring in a fresh perspective and generally just find their wings is an astounding honor.

I had great parents myself. Their marriage didn't work out and we were on 3 different continents at one point and I was a mess so that all translated into some strained years between us. In the end though, I came to see that they did give me everything I needed to make my way in life: a sense of responsibility for my own choices, an understanding of how to evaluate morality for myself and unconditional love.

What carried me through with my own sons was the example set by my mom. She respected us as individuals separate from her and separate from each other from infancy on. The mistake I see so many parents make is trying to control their children to validate and reflect themselves. My kids, as young men, have made many choices that I didn't agree with, that scared the hell out of me or pissed me off but there wasn't ever a time that I did not respect their autonomy as young adults. Maybe it was going through my own struggles and knowing those made me who I am that helped. I would be a liar if I said all this came easily. There were times when my kids have had to look me in the eye and remind me whose life was whose, but I'm proud to have raised two that knew they could always do that.

Falling into little child/parent roles is a default for either side of that equation that hasn't done the necessary separating. Gentle understanding and open, honest communication is the key for both parents and adult offspring. Adult parent/offspring relationships are among the most rewarding in my life--both as a daughter and as a mother.

 

[Biovail]

I feel the same way as you. I'm current living at home for college, and I feel like I don't want to be a part of any conversations with my family, especially if I'm eating dinner with them. I feel like any conversations I have with them are still parent-child type conversations even though I know they try to treat me as my own individual. My father was raised by patents and friends that I feel left him pretty closed-minded. He's a great guy and I live him, but I feel like I can't have any honest discussions with him. On top of all that, he has no social skills and is probably the most awkward person I've net my entire life. And he is completely unaware if this it seems. As a result, I was raised observing and subconsciously imitating his behavior as all offspring do. Over the past two years I've become conscious of this, and it makes me sort of angry/bitter that he has never had the insight to realize this about himself and try to change in any way. And now his children have to suffer as a result. So I tend to avoid being around him out of fear that the terrible social habbits I've worked so hard to rid myself or will return,

I feel like my father is incredibly closed minded and ignorant about himself and the world. And my mother is just incredibly mothering even though she try's not to be.

 

[ugly]

Nice work, herbavore.

I agree with you completely. I had to get away from my parents when I was a kid. In retrospect I think I married mainly to get out of their house.

That was 33 years ago. I am still married to the same person, although we have been to hell and back separately and together. I don't know anything about divorce. My parents have been married 53 years and really get on each other's last nerve already, for pete sake. Enough is enough. When they have had enough of each other they just suck it up. That seems normal to me. When I have been sick of my husband or he of me, we sucked it up.

I could not handle my parents though. I had to get away. I took the first offer I got, married at 19, had my first kid at 20. I got gone.

Now I am back with my parents a lot because my mom likes my company and I am unemployed so I drive up and down the state of California to spend time at my parents' house up north.

When I am in So Cali, I spend a lot of my time with my adult children. It truly is a wonder and a miracle when children grow up. Herbavore, I share your feelings and experiences as the parent of adults.

I gave birth four times to helpless little wrinkly things. I put them ahead of me and I put their needs before mine. It was easy to prioritize this way because I loved them so, so, so much. I look at these four adults now as miracles, and they are still my priority but they don't need to be. I had to learn that even though I give them first priority over anything else in life, they don't need me to do that and would rather I keep a respectful distance about some things. I did not like it but I learned.

Raising children did not make me perfect or right. My sons have wives. My daughters have husbands. Their marriages, kids, jobs, lives, are their own, and just like I didn't want criticism from my parents, my kids don't want criticism from me. I learned that I was still learning how to be a good mom. My paradigm shifted.

I know parents who do not give their children unconditional love. They believe that their children should behave in ways that please parents. If children fail to please parents, love is taken away and replaced with anger or sorrow... and kids don't thrive under anger or sorrow. Parents don't thrive when the children are not thriving, and the family falters or even fails.

I accept and cherish my adult children. My parents accept and cherish me. My dad was a cop all my life. Undercover narcotics agent. I learned a lot about drugs from his reference books when I was a child and I could not wait to try them. When I got into high school I found what I was looking for and started experimenting with recreational substances. This was murder on my dad. BUT it's not 1974 anymore. My dad is 83 and been retired 20 years. I smoke marijuana on my parents back porch swing these days. My dad does not really like it but he doesn't throw me out. He keeps inviting me back!

He had to learn not to be in control of my life. I am a mother and a grandmother. He still thinks drugs are bad but he also looks back over his whole career, and sees that all his efforts to stop drug use did not amount to much in the end. I love my dad even though we used to quarrel bitterly, then give each other the silent treatment. My dad is conservative, republican, white. racist and judgmental. I love him anyway. I am liberal. I don't have any issue with gay people. I actually have friends of Hispanic, Indian, Black, and Asian backgrounds. My dad loves me anyway. But it did not happen overnight and it did not come to him easily.

Last time I was up there helping out, I said, "Dad, what would have happened if I had married a Black man?"
His response?
"You would not be sitting here now."

He has a lot left to learn, if you want my opinion. At 83, I don't expect him to get over it. He is a racist. He is not going to change. I love him anyway. My mom has problems with alcohol. I love her anyway.

No one is perfect. Everyone is in some stage of development. My parents have never been old people before. They are learning to lean on me. My children have never been in their 30s before, but now my sons are both over 30 and learning about being men with receding hairlines and chunky wives.

I am a hippy and I still believe that love is the answer. Human beings fight, hurt each other, kill each other, act like idiots, make bad choices, etc. I believe more love and less judgement would help but now I know my ideal is just my ideal, and changes nothing. Reality is what it is in spite of everything else and I can't change the world.

I can give love though. So that's what I do. I give love and affection to my parents, and my children, and I ignore the parts of each person I do not like or do not understand. I ask my children and my parents to please give me love and affection and to ignore the parts of me that they don't like or do not understand.

This is what works for me, to keep my life as drama free as possible and as full of love as possible. We all still have tons of problems.... but hey....

Love. Love. Love.

 

[Lysis]

Ugh. The racist stuff bothers me. My sis is a racist through and through and it bothers me. I've mostly dated hispanics, and she say shit about that. I blame my parents though. My parents were racists. Her best friend in high school was black, so I don't understand why she is a racist now. Whether it's black or white, we are our own worst when it comes to racism. Kids don't know racism until parents bring it up.

When I was about 13, this black guy and I were best friends. I kinda sorta knew he had a crush on me at 13, but I was only 13 and we used to talk on the phone for hours just about video games and stuff. The kid could play football like a champ, and I wonder what happened to him. We were really good friends. It didn't help that I was the upper-middle class white girl and he was a poor black kid, but he was a sweetheart and a good person. We were friends for years and then one day my dad came to me and said "You don't date black guys." I'll never forget that talk. I never thought of the black vs white thing until then, and that's when I was introduced to racism. I know damn well if I dated a black guy, my dad never would have talked to me. My mom was racist but now she dates black guys. I don't know how that happened, but it did. But, my mom for some reason always dates married guys who take her money and treat her like shit.