Relationship struggles

[TripMcnealy]

So i've been dependent for years now. Oral opiates. Have fun with other stuff but nothing close to a habit. My way of life got really out of control starting 2 years ago up until 6 months ago. Every dime i broke my ass for went to the big ox (seriously for pain relief not to get off... no bs). I knew i had a problem and had to get better otherwise id lose the one thing that relieves me from my 24/7 pain.
Just when i was becoming a real POS i met my fiance. Was honest with her from the get go. Anyway long.story short, 10 months ago i told her my plan, that come fall, when i stopped working 80 hr weeks i would gradually cut back for the follwing 5 months and return to a manageable daily dose.
i practically did exactly what i promised. I let her know what i would be like. I didnt bs her at all. Now im almost at my goal and its pretty much ww3. Im not looking for a proverbial bj for being responsible, but im attacked daily for the way i was a year ago.. anyone else constantly get shit for the way they used to be even though youre doing well now??

 

[Moreaux]

So sorry you're going through this. When I got sober I was constantly having to deal with the past being mentioned as well. It's really hard to progress forward to health having to deal with this on a regular basis. I found that having a calm rational discussion regarding boundaries and expectations very useful.

Your friends and family probably haven't been through recovery with a loved one, and neither have you so everyone is new at this. I suggest having a conversation about why they keep mentioning past transgressions, about their expectations for your recovery, and about boundaries and comfort zones in general. Something right now is failing, and you need to identify specifically what that is.

The most important aspect of this conversation is that everyone gets heard, and everyone stays calm. The goal should not be to attack anyone, or to be offended. Everyone needs to be honest.

During this time you need to let them know that referencing your past is damaging to you moving forward into health. There is nothing you can do to change your past actions. Acknowledge that they have the right to feel hurt and betrayed, and that you want to help them move forward in their healing as well but all participants need to be supportive, and what they are doing is harmful. They have to understand that there is nothing you can do to change the past, and getting healthy ensures that you will not repeat the negative behaviour.

Healing takes time, and everyone you are close to is also going through healing as your addiction has affected them also. If they are really struggling they may need to see a therapist or attend Alanon meetings to better work through their feelings. It sounds like they are harbouring unhealthy resentments, which they have to work through.

There is a possibility that you fiancé can't get beyond this and you may have to go separate ways. Sometimes the nonaddict gets addicted to the addict, and when the addict gets healthy the nonaddict is at a loss on what to do. Addiction creates unhealthy behaviours in everyone involved. I know this may sound counterproductive, but you have to put your sobriety first before anyone else. You know if you relapse it is only going to hurt you and them, so sobriety has to be a priority. If they truly love you, this will be acceptable to them. If they cannot respect your boundaries and pursuit to health, or can't let go of resentments than its healthiest for everyone involved to go your separate ways.

It took about a year for me to establish a new healthy relationship with my family. It was difficult, and we had to work continuously at it for a while. Good luck!

 

[TripMcnealy]

Thank you for taking the time to responsd Moreaux! A lot of what you're saying makes perfect sense, and I agree wholeheartedly. Unfortunately I'm trying to see if it's time to end the engagement because the unnecessary fights at 1 am are just enough to make me lose control and eat my month's prescription in a week. I've spoken to her and told her I wasn't blaming her, but she needs to work with me and not be on my ass if i go smoke a cigarette at 4am because i can't sleep lol. She needs to stop reminding me how i fucked myself financially etc... I'm going to give it another go and see if we can work through this. Don't get me wrong she put up with a lot of shit. But it's like dropping out of law school on the last day... or maybe not.
I never got to the point where I was stealing or where it was even noticeable honestly. I just worked hard and spent every dime on it. obviously red flags were raised because I couldn't pay bills and shit, and borrowed money, but it's not like I traded her fucking ipod for some tar. I'll tell you, a lot of my life long "normal/clean" behaviors and proclivities are perceived by family and such as me being fucked up or jonesin. it's like they forgot that I was nocturnal, lethargic, depressed, and was prone to anger outbursts because of chronic pain since I was 15. It's so funny, how everyone thinks I'm fucked up now when I don't even break a sweat thinking about going 3 weeks without a pill. year and half ago through 6 months ago my world would collapse at the very notion of not having the next day's supply.
What were your issues if you don't mind my asking? opiates? details of cleaning up?

PS I did all of this with the amazing assistance of Kratom, so I can't say i did it on my own. but hey, i'm weaning down on that as well. anything better than 300 mgs of the ox before 8 pm right??

 

[Moreaux]

It's going to take time for your friends and family to get to know the new you. It's also going to take time for them to not be suspicious and to trust. My family walked away from my addiction with PTSD. They struggled to help me through my addiction and getting sober, and certain behaviors would give them anxiety because they were similar to behaviours I had back when I used, and it took time for them to not have an anxiety response if it was similar to what I did during addiction. The relationship was strained for about a year after I got sober. We had to establish new boundaries and get to know each other again. There were things that they did that were triggers to me, so we were constantly having discussions. It was worth it as our relationship is stronger than it ever has been.

I was very lucky that my husband never criticized, got angry, or judged my addiction. I got us into serious financial trouble, that we are still dealing with today, and he has never thrown it in my face. Though he doesn't mention it, I find myself apologizing when money is tight or we want to do something and can't because I don't want to use the credit card. I never lied to him about my addiction, and always kept him in loop so there weren't trust issue to deal with.

While he is not an addict or a substance user, he has never interfered with my use. A few years ago I was having a beer at a bar and someone had some coke. I never carry cash, so he went to the ATM for me so I could pick some up. He didn't like my substance use, but he never once said no or put me in a position where I felt like I had to lie, which was actually really nice not feel judged. We would discuss the addiction frequently because I wanted to get clean. I tried various things on my own and consistently failed so I told him that I was going to quit my job and go to rehab. He was 100% supportive. He gave me as much time as I needed to get straight before going back to work.

You asked my drug history - it started with opiates - specifically Oxycotin back in the 90's. I was able to get off them for a while, but essentially switched over to booze. I then added benzos. Those were the main issues where addiction was concerned. However, if something was available I would absolutely participate. Coke allowed me to drink longer and dance the night away. I always enjoyed shrooms and weed, and was a daily weed smoker for about 15 years off and on. I was able to stop that when I needed to, so I dont group it in with the addiction, same with coke, though I'm really surprised I didn't get addicted to it.

While getting off OxyContin was hell, the benzos were the worst because I was cut off cold turkey, and the PAWS lasted for two years, not to mention I had numerous siezures during withdrawal. I struggled for six years to get clean, did meetings, IOP, therapy, and went to rehab in 2010 and again in 2014. By 2014 I was more than ready to be sober, and having spent so much time trying, I finally had a massed the tools to do so. I have two years now and feel so much better. This is the best my life has ever been, and it's so nice not have that burden anymore.

Btw - kratom is amazing in early recovery. I think it's a remarkable plant with many benefits. I'm glad to hear that it's helping you. You're doing great!

 

[herbavore]

I'll tell you, a lot of my life long "normal/clean" behaviors and proclivities are perceived by family and such as me being fucked up or jonesin. it's like they forgot that I was nocturnal, lethargic, depressed, and was prone to anger outbursts because of chronic pain since I was 15.

I think this is a very hard thing to deal with in many areas of life. People learn a fact about you and from then on everything passes through that one narrow lens. It can be addiction, it can be a mental illness diagnosis, it can be your sexual orientation--there are so many ways that we humans unconsciously put each other in tiny little boxes. Science tells us it is our innate need to categorize. Whatever it is, it sucks for the whole person, the dynamic and complicated and contradictory human being to be seen so flatly. But as Moreaux so insightfully pointed out, it is calm, compassionate conversations that eventually break this down. Speaking as the mother of a (late) addicted son, fear is usually at the bottom of every single thought/perception. The fear has at its core, deep love and concern. It is a very tricky road to try to educate yourself out of the mental traps and habits that fear inspires. Be glad you are loved and try to stay patient with your family and keep being frank about what you need and what will help you all move forward. It is very true that addiction is a family condition.