S
StillHangingOn
Guest
I'm posting here in the vain hope that there are others out there who have either been where I am or are currently going through a similar experience. First off, I'm a guy. I know that statistically, I'm an outlier, but as I've gone through my experience, I've learned that it's more common than most people think that guys go through this with women as much as women go through this with guys. That being said, I'm completely neutral on gender issues, and do not want it to seem like I have an ax to grind or anything. I'm trying to approach this with as much respect for others as I possibly can, male or female.
Last year, things finally came to a head when my partner decided to leave over the level of clutter in my house (which, by others' estimations, really wasn't that bad). Now, I admit, I am a bit of a pack rat, but nowhere near the level of horror stories of hoarding you hear about online in various places. The lead up to this was 2 years of complete instability and mood swings that corresponded with her cycle. I won't get into detail, but it was a roller-coaster of gut-wrenching and emotionally-taxing experiences that left me shell-shocked for a protracted period of time. When she left, it was even worse. It was an event that was drawn out over several days; I even helped her. She kept blaming me for everything, and didn't let up, even as I was helping her move her stuff out of the house. It was an experience I will never forget as long as I live. I came to the conclusion that there was nothing more I could do. I had gotten help prior to this, which helped me to respectfully stand up to what she had continually dished out. When I finally put my foot down, you could've thought I had physically hurt her. The reaction was that dramatic.
So I let her walk out the door. How could I not? After everything she said out of a blind rage I’ve only ever seen in movies, I was resolved in my heart to let her go. It hurt like hell. Not only did I feel I was making the wrong decision, I was also dealing with the psychological effects of having to endure the harrowing experience of it all. Clarity didn’t come until after I got help.
I played through things in my head over and over, until I had a complete picture of everything. Throughout all of this I managed to deal successfully with a job loss, pick myself up and get another job (higher-paying), and try to manage things as best I could. After realizing I was burning the candle at both ends and cutting off my nose despite my face in some critical ways, I reached out to friends and family, and realized I was on my own in this. I sought therapy after realizing my family was not going to be a source of moral and/or emotional support. It was a hard pill to swallow.
It was to a point of desperation, actually.
Unfortunately, when you’re the spouse it’s a lot different than more long-distance family. All of my family said, “I can’t believe she’d ever scream those things to you. I can’t believe she’d ever do that.” It was a two-faced situation. The disbelief and saying it was my fault that she left made it harder to stomach. In a big way, when she left, my own family betrayed me. I stood up for myself and ultimately ended up forgiving them, because what else could I do? They didn’t live with us. There was no way they could’ve known everything, and they’re people with their own lives and problems; Plus, it’s easier psychologically for some people to make an incorrect snap judgment and just stick with it. Correctly analyzing gut-wrenching situations is something some people just aren’t cut out for, I learned.
I made a decision to never be vulnerable to her, never be completely intimate, because she’s taken a lot of things that she’s known about me and the closeness and it’s hurt me in her episodes. That was the one thing I could do was not let her be any closer. Now that she’s better again or trying to be or whatever you want to call it, I can’t release and trust her again, because if she does hurt me again, I won’t have anything to pick myself up with.
I’ve drawn a boundary for myself. No matter what she does, I have that promise to myself. I’ve had to really try hard to stick myself to that promise and she’s actually helped me keep it by being worse. Now, she’s rebounding and going through the good phase of the cycle, now, for whatever reason, it’s going to be a lot for me to break that promise to myself and remain with her.
I don’t feel guilty about wanting to divorce and I’m not even angry with her.
I know she has a disorder and she’s not choosing to behave this way, but I have to keep her at arm’s length. If I was angry with her, it would just create more opportunities for her episodes.
It’s kind of pathetic, but I need to play along. I’m not playing her like, “Oh, we’ll be together someday,” I’m playing her like, “Let’s go baby steps. I’m not going to do anything with you until you figure out what’s going on with you. We have health insurance with a $0 co-payment for everything. The resources are there. Please utilize them”
I draw lines. I have to say “no.” She asks for things. She asks for intimacy and closeness and I say, “Okay, you need to give me what I need first. I need you to figure out your issues. I need you to do this. I need you to do that.” I’m having to make the love very conditional, very transactional, which is a horrible way to conduct a marriage, but when you have somebody that never reliably follows the agreements you make and blames failures on you, you have to make it a cash-only transaction kind of reciprocation in the marriage.
Yes, there is a child involved. I'm asking for advice in earnest, because even though she's back, I'm still on the fence. I'm trying to be as generic as I can without lacking detail, because this whole experience has been a serious longitudinal study in human psychology, and I'm not a psychologist. I realize it's not my job to save my partner, and yes, I have established healthy boundaries and stood up for myself. But my conscience is not something I can ignore. I made a promise, and my brain is having a great deal of trouble getting around that. But I do not feel guilty about wanting a divorce.
Sorry if this post has triggered anyone. I am seeking help on a message board, of all places. I am posting anonymously for obvious reasons.
Last year, things finally came to a head when my partner decided to leave over the level of clutter in my house (which, by others' estimations, really wasn't that bad). Now, I admit, I am a bit of a pack rat, but nowhere near the level of horror stories of hoarding you hear about online in various places. The lead up to this was 2 years of complete instability and mood swings that corresponded with her cycle. I won't get into detail, but it was a roller-coaster of gut-wrenching and emotionally-taxing experiences that left me shell-shocked for a protracted period of time. When she left, it was even worse. It was an event that was drawn out over several days; I even helped her. She kept blaming me for everything, and didn't let up, even as I was helping her move her stuff out of the house. It was an experience I will never forget as long as I live. I came to the conclusion that there was nothing more I could do. I had gotten help prior to this, which helped me to respectfully stand up to what she had continually dished out. When I finally put my foot down, you could've thought I had physically hurt her. The reaction was that dramatic.
So I let her walk out the door. How could I not? After everything she said out of a blind rage I’ve only ever seen in movies, I was resolved in my heart to let her go. It hurt like hell. Not only did I feel I was making the wrong decision, I was also dealing with the psychological effects of having to endure the harrowing experience of it all. Clarity didn’t come until after I got help.
I played through things in my head over and over, until I had a complete picture of everything. Throughout all of this I managed to deal successfully with a job loss, pick myself up and get another job (higher-paying), and try to manage things as best I could. After realizing I was burning the candle at both ends and cutting off my nose despite my face in some critical ways, I reached out to friends and family, and realized I was on my own in this. I sought therapy after realizing my family was not going to be a source of moral and/or emotional support. It was a hard pill to swallow.
It was to a point of desperation, actually.
Unfortunately, when you’re the spouse it’s a lot different than more long-distance family. All of my family said, “I can’t believe she’d ever scream those things to you. I can’t believe she’d ever do that.” It was a two-faced situation. The disbelief and saying it was my fault that she left made it harder to stomach. In a big way, when she left, my own family betrayed me. I stood up for myself and ultimately ended up forgiving them, because what else could I do? They didn’t live with us. There was no way they could’ve known everything, and they’re people with their own lives and problems; Plus, it’s easier psychologically for some people to make an incorrect snap judgment and just stick with it. Correctly analyzing gut-wrenching situations is something some people just aren’t cut out for, I learned.
I made a decision to never be vulnerable to her, never be completely intimate, because she’s taken a lot of things that she’s known about me and the closeness and it’s hurt me in her episodes. That was the one thing I could do was not let her be any closer. Now that she’s better again or trying to be or whatever you want to call it, I can’t release and trust her again, because if she does hurt me again, I won’t have anything to pick myself up with.
I’ve drawn a boundary for myself. No matter what she does, I have that promise to myself. I’ve had to really try hard to stick myself to that promise and she’s actually helped me keep it by being worse. Now, she’s rebounding and going through the good phase of the cycle, now, for whatever reason, it’s going to be a lot for me to break that promise to myself and remain with her.
I don’t feel guilty about wanting to divorce and I’m not even angry with her.
I know she has a disorder and she’s not choosing to behave this way, but I have to keep her at arm’s length. If I was angry with her, it would just create more opportunities for her episodes.
It’s kind of pathetic, but I need to play along. I’m not playing her like, “Oh, we’ll be together someday,” I’m playing her like, “Let’s go baby steps. I’m not going to do anything with you until you figure out what’s going on with you. We have health insurance with a $0 co-payment for everything. The resources are there. Please utilize them”
I draw lines. I have to say “no.” She asks for things. She asks for intimacy and closeness and I say, “Okay, you need to give me what I need first. I need you to figure out your issues. I need you to do this. I need you to do that.” I’m having to make the love very conditional, very transactional, which is a horrible way to conduct a marriage, but when you have somebody that never reliably follows the agreements you make and blames failures on you, you have to make it a cash-only transaction kind of reciprocation in the marriage.
Yes, there is a child involved. I'm asking for advice in earnest, because even though she's back, I'm still on the fence. I'm trying to be as generic as I can without lacking detail, because this whole experience has been a serious longitudinal study in human psychology, and I'm not a psychologist. I realize it's not my job to save my partner, and yes, I have established healthy boundaries and stood up for myself. But my conscience is not something I can ignore. I made a promise, and my brain is having a great deal of trouble getting around that. But I do not feel guilty about wanting a divorce.
Sorry if this post has triggered anyone. I am seeking help on a message board, of all places. I am posting anonymously for obvious reasons.
