• HEALTH & RECOVERY
    Welcome Guest
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules Thread Directory 1 Thread Directory 2
    Mindfulness Links Addiction & Mind
    Sober Living Partner Program (SLiPP)
  • H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist

relapsing

G

Girl765

Greenlighter
Joined
Nov 13, 2012
Messages
9
Location
Australia
Hello,
My problem is with MA. I've intended to permanently give up a lot. I've passed the stage of enjoying the high. I am guilty and angry at myself for letting it become an issue. Its unreal to me. I keep relapsing from opportunity (ties completely cut now) and this week from desperation to have energy and escape the grief of ties being cut recently. I wish I could feel proud of my decisions to respect myself and help others, or if not help, be a good example. Instead I joined in, hurting myself and people I felt care for. I hate my choices, feel I have wronged beyond what I can forgive. I'm alone. I relapse and hate every minute of the experience, tell myself its the last time. I can't understand why I go back to it (meth), and just want to grieve everything now, stop avoiding it (drug numbs my feeling). Beyond that I can't see a life.
 
Hi Girl,

Relapsing is a part of the recovery process and everyone hates it, feeling like they've let themselves fall back into old habits. You've realized that there is no joy in the experience anymore and you've cut ties to those who make recovery hard for you. These are great steps forward and when you get the urge again, you only need to remember how much you despised it last time.

Things get easier s time goes on and nobody expects you to to be able to be strong 24/7. You will have weak moments but you can get through them.
 
Re-distributed said:
Hi Girl,

Relapsing is a part of the recovery process and everyone hates it, feeling like they've let themselves fall back into old habits. You've realized that there is no joy in the experience anymore and you've cut ties to those who make recovery hard for you. These are great steps forward and when you get the urge again, you only need to remember how much you despised it last time.

Things get easier s time goes on and nobody expects you to to be able to be strong 24/7. You will have weak moments but you can get through them.
Click to expand...

Good post.

I agree. Relapses happen, as long as you're still alive, you still have a chance. We never know as addicts when the time we get sober is going to be "the" time where it's going to actually work. Thinking that far ahead isn't good for us, it gets overwhelming and we go back to using. You just need to take it one minute at a time, or in my case, hah one second at a time because I never know when a fucked up thought is going to pop into my head and then wham, I'm off ripping and running again.

Don't be so hard on yourself though. You have a problem, a serious one, that kills people everyday. You didn't become a drug addict over night and you wont recover over night.

Use the disgust you feel for the whole using process and your actions as a means to stay straight. That's what I'm trying to do at least.
 
The self-hatred and blame help to hold the pattern in place. Using the experience as a learning experience (Why am I not done with this yet? What thoughts did I use against myself to take me back here?), and as a motivational tool (understanding your vulnerabilities and triggers) is very different from using the experience to increase your shame. Shame makes you more vulnerable and anything you can do to fight it strengthens you.

Picture your journey as if it were an exploration into a new landscape. You have never been here before. How could you possibly stay on the right path every step of the way? It would make sense that you would backtrack, zig-zag and sometimes just feel utterly lost. This is the same thing--you have not been here before. You have been living with something that has masked and numbed your emotions, created false expectations and to which you handed over your power. Give yourself understanding while you learn how to do this--just make sure that you strive to be fanatically honest with yourself. That's your guiding star.

I think it is very good that you used the word grief. There is a lot of grief in addiction and recognizing that is what you are feeling is empowering. Hold your head high and know that it is neither weakness nor inability on your part, but the nature of addiction in the brain. With practice you can learn to stand on your own and keep walking away but it really is more than a one-time decision--it is a lifelong journey that gets easier.<3
 
Girl765 said:
I can't understand why I go back to it (meth), and just want to grieve everything now, stop avoiding it (drug numbs my feeling). Beyond that I can't see a life.
Click to expand...

Methamphetamine is really reinforcing. Even when you know the effects aren't going to be enjoyable, the desire to use can still be there.

My advice: find something healthy to replace the habit.
 
Throw all shame, guilt and self loathing out the car window and drive halfway around the earth.. buy using we programed use of the drug into our subconscious its up there with all the things we need to survive, eating (hunger), drinking (thirst), sex drive, sleep.. any strait cat that thinks its weak willpower can try and not eat, drink, sleep, or have sex for the rest of their lives, yeah those strait cats are probably thinking of an addicts "weakness" while eating a burger, drinking a slurpy, fantasizing about sleeping with the addict and wishing they were in bed;).. You're doing great.. loose the shame and guilt it does nothing for you and is unwarranted, just another little game, as guilt and shame are emotions, and yes the subconscious controls emotions, and the subconscious wants you to use, a good idea to see if you are getting manipulated is to see if the emotions cause you to want to use, learn to see through the illusion and you won't get played:D
 
The best thing I know for dealing with guilt/shame is charity/help/service. I try and do one nice thing for a stranger each day. It distracts my mind and it helps me feel like I am not totally a piece of crap. Today I helped a stranger on the bus, for example.

You never know when a stranger you help might turn around and become a friend, give you a job, point you in the direction of something cool, etc. It is a win-win.
 
Shit, I am on day three again from a recent relapse. You're a beautiful person, you are one of us and we are special. Don't focus on yourself, focus on the work that it takes to stay clean. Find a NA meeting that works for you (or some sort of 12 step program), just a suggestion as we're all responsible for OUR actions. And If I look at what I'm doing right now and say to myself "self, are you doing what you need to be doing to stay clean?" If the answer is yes, then I'm doing something right (I learn from meetings and the literature I get my hands on). If the answer is no, then stop what you're doing and do what needs to be done to stay clean.

Go to a meeting. Call a person that's got some sobriety. Hit up BL. But whatever you do, know that you are a brave and beautiful person. I have to be reminded that every day, but it's true.
 
You're all unexpectedly helpful/funny/kind. I'm listening. Feels like I am giving up not only drugs, but sex and fun too, though I keep reminding, its over now. And that even if I think I know my future I don't
 
I feel for you so completely. I had 95 days clean. ( heroin) everyone was so proud! Then I put myself in a position that caused me to feel alot of guilt and I relapsed pretty bad. But it showed me why I keep relapsing and if I can understand the why, I can fix it. Sometimes you need a relapse to shatter that place in your mind where you only remember the good times. You need to be reminded of the bad times. Pretty soon youll remember on your own and the desire to relapse will fade. Im not there yet either but im working for it everyday.
 
This is an excellent thread. I'm going through hell in my life right now, I can relate to Girl.

I've never taken my eyes off that light at the end of the tunnel, though. I think thats what keeps me hoping and knowing I'll come out of this a better person in the end.
 
I learned it's ok to cry. I learned that focusing on the pain and suffering in my life was a trigger. I learned that it was ok to accept and remind myself of the good things I've done in this life.

It was much easier to think of all the crap versus seeing the good in me. No one is perfect and everyone has fucked up at some point in life. I just have to know that for me, I am special and deserve these chances in life. I mean, why else would we be here on this earth if it were not for that simple reason?

I have accepted (or at least am learning (and I'm sure it will take time) to accept my faults in character) that my past doesn't have to be my future and that to do so I must accept my past, the ugly parts and the beautiful parts as they are what I am. It's what I do today though that makes me what I truly am. I don't exactly know what that means right now, but it resonated with me in talking to a fellow addict.
 
Girl765 said:
You're all unexpectedly helpful/funny/kind. I'm listening. Feels like I am giving up not only drugs, but sex and fun too, though I keep reminding, its over now. And that even if I think I know my future I don't
Click to expand...

Yeah I know, right? BL is something I look forward to, and not only my own threads but all the other ones seem to help me understand myself better.
 
I've done it many times. I would do a few weeks then I saw the amount of money in my bank acct and bam it was gone. Its hard to get on the right track for good, takes lots of patience and practice. GL
 
I can relate so much to this thread. It is hard for me to come on BL and say I am still not clean. I have so much guilt, shame and FEAR OF THE FUTURE, all emotions that trick me into using because I feel so hopeless. Now I am beating myself up even more....I have the possibility of a new job but know I won't be able to pass the druug screen. So i just give up. If it were not for my daughter I would end it all myself, but how could I do that to her? I hate myself more everyday. What is wrong with me that I can not stay clean?
 
usedtobe said:
What is wrong with me that I can not stay clean?
Click to expand...

The same thing was is/was wrong with the rest of us. You are not alone. These are feelings that the dope is making you feel to stay hooked to it. They are whispering to you, 'it's ok, just a little more'. Know that they are lying to you. You are having an emotional reaction to two competing thoughts. And because these thoughts are in conflict, you feel down, depressed, sad or even worthless.

You need to know that these emotions are fleeting just as every emotion is. You also need to know that just by posting to BL and telling a bit of your story, you're already taking the first step. Here's an interesting quote I found some time back:

anonymous said:
“Mother' is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children. A child's mother is the first "supreme being" that a child encounters. It is to mother that the child turns for sustenance, warmth and protection. There is an instinctive "knowing" that it is mother from whom one's life has sprung. In an anthropological sense, I think this is also why the first deities were mother goddesses.”
Click to expand...

And by simply being a mother to your daughter makes you more than any man can ever be. Even if you're an addict or alcoholic, your child loves you and in turn you need to do some self loving. don't use to be, live to be. Take pride in your creation, take pride in being a mother and take pride that you deserve to be free from those oppressive thoughts that are warring in your mind. You know the true thoughts, it's time you put some action in to support them and get into a program that can help you learn to have a sober life. Anonymous
 
I'm there too the feeling and anxiety after a relapse isn't worth the high and yet i still battle with it daily.crazy thing
 
beengerman said:
I'm there too the feeling and anxiety after a relapse isn't worth the high and yet i still battle with it daily.crazy thing
Click to expand...

I read a very interesting article today in Scientific American. The article was on addicts and why we have such a hard time trying to get clean. The discussion went into a bunch of stuff about the brain and receptors and shit I have no clue about.

What I did follow were the lab and testing results. The study showed that addicts (and alcoholics) have a very hard time relearning something once they are addicted to a drug. It is very hard for an addict to learn how to stop using as our heads tell us there really isn't a problem with what we're doing even though we know that's total bullshit.

The study went on to talk about lab mice that were addicted to cocaine vs ones that weren't addicted. In the ones that were addicted, they were unable to relearn how to do a certain funtion to get a treat where as the normal rat was able to learn quickly how to go about this new way of getting their treat. In human studies there was a trial where opiate addicts that knew how to process a particular function were then unable to learn how to perform this function if the process was changed or they had a very hard time attempting to correct to the new process.

To summ things up, the article is basically saying that addicts brains are not 'flexible' and therefore have a hard time stopping what we are doing even though we know we need to stop. Here's the link to the article. They also talk about a certain OTC drug / compound that seems to help fix some of the broken components. The article goes on to say that this by no means is a cure and that 12 step programs should be an intergral part of treatment, but for the actual quitting part it was an interesting read.

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=enhancing-brains-flexibility-could-unseat-addiction
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top