28 female. Doc is iv meth. Been kn a sober living pho program I live 3 mins from my parents it could t be more perfect. But I could stop smoking and I got kicked out for smoking and decided to make it a full relapse when they told me I have to go inpatient. Been tweaking all night on clear (managed to avoid shooting) but yeah I basically want to end my life in so sick of this cycle I have been trying to get sober since I started shooting up 11 years ago. I’m scared. I’m fucking tired. My mom’s heart is broken. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to choose between recovery and drugs.
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Relapsed. No desire to live
- Thread starter ktg59
- Start date
LucidSDreamr
Bluelighter
the way you described it…I know this exact feeling. I’ve been not wanting to live for the better part of half a decade. Only living for my wife’s sake. Begging her to leave, trying to sabatoage the marriage so she would or asking for permission from her so that I could end my life.
My drug is opiates not meth.
I’m only 11 days clean right now. But I really surprised myself during mindfulness meditation the other night. During that meditation; I felt glad to be alive for the first time in 5 years. It blew me away and only lasted for maybe 45 min. There was another glimpse of it that lasted just a minute during meditation 2 days prior.
Sobriety; lots of mindfulness meditation; and my favorite music I would have to credit as concrete actions that gave me this glimpse into healing. And waiting the physical and emotional pain when it comes instead of using - and it lets up gradually ; especially after talking things out with the right people and connecting with ppl. This is all work and effort; none of it comes passively by just laying around watching tv.
I am far from healed yet; there is still a lot of physical and emotional pain, I still want to die. I have fantasies where I would deny treatment if I have cancer. I have a do not resuscitate on my medical chart. But I have been doing the right things lately and been rewarded with short glimpses into being glad to be alive much sooner than I thought….the mindfulness meditation out in the warm sun is absolutely key to this.
Also long hot showers with meditation and gold plunges and cold shower after this.
Stay off social media, the news and doomscrolling. These things heighten your anxiety. I deleted all of it. Time to re engage with yourself and with other ppl.
Sending love
. This is so hard.
My drug is opiates not meth.
I’m only 11 days clean right now. But I really surprised myself during mindfulness meditation the other night. During that meditation; I felt glad to be alive for the first time in 5 years. It blew me away and only lasted for maybe 45 min. There was another glimpse of it that lasted just a minute during meditation 2 days prior.
Sobriety; lots of mindfulness meditation; and my favorite music I would have to credit as concrete actions that gave me this glimpse into healing. And waiting the physical and emotional pain when it comes instead of using - and it lets up gradually ; especially after talking things out with the right people and connecting with ppl. This is all work and effort; none of it comes passively by just laying around watching tv.
I am far from healed yet; there is still a lot of physical and emotional pain, I still want to die. I have fantasies where I would deny treatment if I have cancer. I have a do not resuscitate on my medical chart. But I have been doing the right things lately and been rewarded with short glimpses into being glad to be alive much sooner than I thought….the mindfulness meditation out in the warm sun is absolutely key to this.
Also long hot showers with meditation and gold plunges and cold shower after this.
Stay off social media, the news and doomscrolling. These things heighten your anxiety. I deleted all of it. Time to re engage with yourself and with other ppl.
Sending love
. This is so hard.
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It's really never too late to get sober. Lucky I never had problems with meth.
It's hard to see now that there are ways of coping well in the future.
Relapse is normal. They say so, at least. What matters is that you keep trying!
It's hard to see now that there are ways of coping well in the future.
Relapse is normal. They say so, at least. What matters is that you keep trying!