TDS Relapse - Heroin.

[LiquidEx]

Now I am 21, and I was never a full blown addict to heroin, just loved using it, couldn't wait till I could use again. Then all of a sudden the penny dropped, I realised I was an addict, a drug addict not necessarily a heroin addict. So I decided to quit smoking weed (daily use for the past 2 years from 19 to 21) I thought I was doing great, but things were far worse then I realised, I was using heroin or diazepam to compensate for not using weed. And I can't really remember what happened, but I hit rock bottom, I lost my home and had to move back in to my mothers. I thought 'I need to change, I can't live like this anymore' And from then on I decided to quit. I had no money but still had a job. So I stayed off all drugs for a month, got another house, filled it with everything I needed, started going out at weekends and meeting up with old friends (when my heroin abuse got more frequent at 20, I became very withdrawn and spent my time alone) I was going out, buying nice clothes, going to the movies, everything I considered a human being should be doing with his life, but alas it was not enough, I was still bored, and felt empty inside. I hate alcohol it's good at the time but hangovers are too much for me, and I was always used to having a big smoke of weed to recover from a weekend of drinking. And I don't wanna return to smoking weed everyday, theres not much a difference between heroin or weed addiction apart from in scale of self and financial destruction. So my question today is, how did I start off with so much strength and determination, only for the weeks to eat away at me and went back to relapsing. I have spent the past week getting high as shit on heroin, because I think why not, I have failed for now, but not entirely. I have not given up all hope, my question to you all is, how do you manage to stay clean? I kept myself busy and done everything I thought was right, but still felt as empty as I did when I was using heroin, albeit I was happy, regardless of it being artificial.

Thank you all for your time on reading this post, it means a huge amount to me, I love all you bluelighters.

 

[Allein]

Hi LiquidEx

I've never had a problem with opiates so i'm sure other more learned members will have things to share on that.

I have my own struggles with drug use and in some ways I do relate to you feeling that you have a problem with compulsive or addictive behaviours with drugs in general.

I don't like the word 'relapse' it suggests a total failure to me, the fact that you tried and have recognised your behaviour has become damaging is commendable. Just because you have fallen back into that pattern doesn’t mean it was all for nothing.

Take some time to reflect on why you started using again, if boredom was a major factor then make plans to keep busy with a non drug related project. Have you sought out professional support ? it may be time to consider it

 

[LiquidEx]

Hi LiquidEx

I've never had a problem with opiates so i'm sure other more learned members will have things to share on that.

I have my own struggles with drug use and in some ways I do relate to you feeling that you have a problem with compulsive or addictive behaviours with drugs in general.

I don't like the word 'relapse' it suggests a total failure to me, the fact that you tried and have recognised your behaviour has become damaging is commendable. Just because you have fallen back into that pattern doesn’t mean it was all for nothing.

Take some time to reflect on why you started using again, if boredom was a major factor then make plans to keep busy with a non drug related project. Have you sought out professional support ? it may be time to consider it

Thank you for your reply, I am glad to see I am not alone, I know there are a lot of drug addicts out there but you merely reaching out alone aids me greatly. I have reflected on why I use drugs, it's mainly because I hate my sober self, I feel so dull and I am so socially awkward without them that I feel I use drugs to maintain a false 'persona' I also see myself as worthless, ugly, and just in general have very low self esteem, which I blame on the years of bullying I endured under so called friends, many people would say why not leave that situation, but when that is your only circle of friends and your bottom of the 'food chain' it's not easy to break out. So really I hate myself, I don't look in the mirror in the morning to see what I look like, because I don't enjoy looking at myself. When I go out I only really have a cursory look to see if I'm presentable ie, not dirty. I have sought out professional help through my work but felt I was just getting to the usual quack nonsense, and since the therapist always changed, they never really got to understand me, also in Scotland there is not a lot of professional help out there, especially for people who work 9 till 5, I have tried NA once and it was a real eye opener, but only enough to let me not sink to a level the true addicts are at. I know that sounds arrogant, ironic and absurd. But I feel it's the truth. Plus to be assoiciated with them people I feel would only gain me easier access to drugs. Thank you again for your reply

 

[Allein]

I live in the UK or should I say England given the impending referendum

I agree the counselling available form the National Health Service is patchy at best although I would recommend looking into Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). It has become much more widely available in recent years but it may well take some persistence with your GP.

I've no experience with NA or AA, I'm not into Christianity and my blood runs cold at the thought of group therapy but those are my unfounded and uneducated views. I have used the services of Addaction more than once and got great support and advice.

My social life was completely focused around drugs for many years and I now struggle to have a social life without them, back then most people would view me as happy and outgoing but in truth I wasn’t either or maybe I was and I just mislaid that part of me somewhere.

IMHO addressing how you view yourself is the starting point, IME self loathing is extremely damaging and leads to a whole host of other negative behaviours, drug use is one of them and in some situations can be closely paralleled with self harm.

 

[Stargazer]

LiquidEx and Allein, thanks for sharing your stories honestly. I have relapsed in the past 9mos on H. It's killed me financially and mentally, my soul, my spirit...

LiquidEx, I admire how you got back up your feet...that is huge. You got your own home again....got decent clothes, etc. Got out there. Wow. So far, I haven't lost my home, but that's not out of the equation. The fact that you walked away before, shows what you are made of.

I know those feelings of emptiness...even boredom leads me down the path of negativity. I also understand that feeling of going to NA meetings will end up giving you more connections, and that's what you don't want. I've been there too...I went to methadone maintenance and learned everything I know about drugs. It's also where I found a H connection...I had never used H before going to MMT.

AA is what everyone suggests...I"ve been to some AA meetings. I've read "The Big Book" over and over. Wish I had a copy now, and need to get one. I found the stories inspiring and hopeful.

A great support network, I believe is essential. People to be able to call 24/7, for cravings, anxiety...all that goes w recovery. Hanging out w ppl that are into sober living...I am attempting to reach out, and so far, it's not going well. But, I will continue to try. I have read, sometimes it takes time to find your "niche"...meaning a mtg you love, that fits, the right people to talk to for support. It would be crazy to allow some obnoxious ppl, in my case, to ruin my chance at getting clean. It has to start one day or another...so I continue to hope that this is my day.

Staying busy w non-using activities is also important I believe. I am trying not to get discouraged. There has to be some ppl in the world that don't get off on being cold, having "snappy" comebacks because they are miserable themselves, and not anyone you'd want to be interacting with or looking to as a friend.

Counseling, not getting discouraged, going to AA mtgs until you find one that fits, getting back into doing art...That's what is my goal right now. LiquidEx, I hope you are well. I hope you come back to this thread to give an update....

 

[LiquidEx]

Thanks for the replys guys, been offline for a couple days to get my head straight. Payday tomorrow which is always very challenging for me, having a shitload of overtime doesn't help not going out and getting a big pile of drugs. Anyways, I've been clean for 3 days now, mostly out of being broke, all pills are paid tho in advance so I don't have any debts, and a full fridge and freezer so I havn't been starving. But yeah I need to think more positively about myself, it's hard to believe your worth something when for years you've been made to feel that you aren't and are the butt of all jokes. I'm not crying or moaning about being bullied, just accepting it happened, and thinking its why it beat myself up to this day. And yep man I was the same, never used H, got kicked out of my mothers for taking diazepam everyday and it induced a phychosis. Anyway I was still not thinking straight and whilst in a homeless unit this one guy was like 'so you like dihydrocodeine? I can get you them!!!' those dihydrocodeine actually turned out to be a bag of smack. But hell I just injected it anyway, I was homeless I wasn't giving a shit. Anyway yeah I need to find friends worth hanging around, and get a support network, all my old friends are drug users wether it be heroin or weed. Doesn't matter to me, I'm a habitual drug user. But out here in Scotland there is very little people my age who are completely sober who don't even drink. So it's hard but I plan on getting into the gym and getting back to my old self. Built like a drainpipe atm. But like I said it's hard to break out the mould when you get very little pleasure out of life other then doing heroin, staying motivated is so fucking hard. Even watching telly is a task itself because it's so much bullshit it angers me, or even playing the xbox where I think you know what 'this sucks'
Thanks for the reply stargazer I hope you find salvation dear brother because I am quite lost atm. Don't know what I want. Need to change a few things first before I can change one big thing. Day at a time.

 

[thedawn]

I was addicted to Black Tar Heroin and OC's for 10 years.
it made me feel normal.
i never felt like i fit in,always thought something was wrong w me and the world.

the opiates gave me relief for a while,then it turned into hell.
not getting high anymore,just maintaining,spending between 200-400 dollars a day.
what a waste.

I would maybe try to switch to low dose benzo,ask a doc.
or suboxone,but that's not always possible.

take it a min at a time.be calm when making decisions.
try NA/AA.you will meet other sufferers,i would go even if high.
you might pick up on something.

the brown heroin in Scotland can be very strong.
be very careful if you're on/off the shit.
a mg too much and you're gone,my friend.

so,I'm no doctor,but maybe something like 10mg valium 3 times a day
while you're withdrawing.the anxiety is horrible.
but only for days or a week.
u don't want to be stuck w valium addiction.

if all fails,go on methadone.
it sucks but it won't kill you in an instant.
start low,10-20mgs a day at the most.

these are just suggestions,good luck,man and you're not alone.

 

[WantToBeReborn]

This is a tough battle you are in and we know as we are all in it too. Don't let the thoughts of meeting connects at NA put you off - go to a meeting and meet clean, sober folks that you can get proper support off. That will help you to build a network. Surround yourself with positive role models and people who like you for you and it will help you come to terms with the past. The gym is another good place. Yes the drink/drugs culture in some parts of Scotland can be mental, but you can still have a positive future.

You can listen to NA meetings online without having to speak or worry about meeting connects. Perhaps this is the place to start. You'll find loads of folks just like us. Look up ukna - I don't know if I can post links here but you'll find the skype meetings that way. Sometimes just a few friendly voices on the end of a phone makes all the difference in the world. NA is filled with kind people, there will always be the odd asshole, but that's life, same in anything you do. You will learn the confidence to ignore assholes and meet decent people who give a damn about you and your recovery.

What you do next, means the difference between the rest of your life being utterly miserable and shit, or absolutely fantastic and filled with positives. You have age on your side. This battle gets savagely difficult when we lose jobs, homes, partners, families, health and our sanity. Addiction is a progressive illness, of body, mind and spirituality, but it can be arrested, a day at a time, by addicts helping other addicts to get and stay clean. Keep at it and don't give up.

 

[herbavore]

To everyone in this thread, courage and peace. The struggle underneath the struggle to live drug free or minimize your dependence on a drug is the real struggle but I don't believe they are really separate--just layers of trying to stay human. Those of us that feel easily and deeply tend to view ourselves negatively. Why? We live in a world (economy) that is constructed on our self-hatred so it would be miraculous to escape it altogether.

I am a big advocate of changing your life to fit who you are. Many people who have lost everything when they "hit rock bottom" focus on regaining everything that denotes control or success and then still feel empty. The need for more is still there. This seems like a cruel cycle to me. I am not minimizing the comfort of regaining a job, having a home etc. but if that wasn't enough before it isn't going to be enough after getting sober either.

Loneliness and emptiness are the two most powerful fears and humans seem willing to endure any pain in an attempt to escape feeling what are really human realities. I don't think they have to be that scary. I have found that it is an ongoing process of establishing a balance between accepting a certain amount of loneliness (existential or day-to-day) and developing strategies towards self-acceptance that can mitigate social isolation to be the best cure for the emptiness.

Allien's recommendation for CBT is a very good one. Smart Recovery uses the model of CBT (a lot of which is learning to self-talk in a more positive way). The problem with Smart Recovery is that there is a lack of physical groups but it is available online-- a lot of good things to be learned there that can complement everything else you do for your recovery. Whatever you do, keep coming back here. We are a great resource even at 3AM!

 

[Stargazer]

LiquidEx, thankyou for the well wishes for peace I'm female lol...but that's ok, I accept your kindness just the same.

And seriously, people that make you the butt of their jokes, are not kind. They're insecure and unhappy in their own lives. I have met people from all walks of life...in all sizes, shapes and colors. Never once, in all of my life, have I made fun of anyone for what they look like. I find that to be the most pointless thing imaginable. It's like making fun of a person for the color of their hair, as if it's a choice. I think we all can and should do our best to look great, and work with what we were born with. Honestly, what more can we do than that anyway? Don't allow senseless, cruel people deter you from your awesomeness!!

Who of us can be the first to cast a stone? Not one single one of us. When I am feeling on that "high horse", I think about all of the mistakes I make on a daily basis, and have made throughout my life. It stops me dead in my tracks and then I realize I'm sitting on a really small pony lol...I also have worked in public health, where there is no place for judging. If one has a tendency to think they are better than others, public health is not the place or occupation for them. It would do people that are judgmental some good to spend a day working with people that are HIV positive, have tuberculosis, etc. Then, they'd realize how petty and useless their judging is. There are bigger things going on the world, than making fun of someone for how they look. In the grand scheme of things, that is a ridiculous thing to spend any time on. As you can tell, I am serious about not "bullying" people....it is very damaging.

So, I get how you're feeling. This is the time you have to push through even harder, when it's the most difficult to do, and keep going. It's not that anything is wrong with you, it's that the people you are hanging around with are outright assholes. I hope that didn't offend you...having me say that. But, sheesh, if these people are making you feel terrible about yourself when you are trying so hard to change well, that speaks volumes about them.

I know, if you diligently seek out good people, and good places, you will find them eventually. It doesn't mean it will be easy.God knows it's not. Some days, all you can do is come home and cry. I know what you mean about payday...man, do I know what you mean.

To me, while I'm in the midst of this f'd up relapse, and trying to cut back...the middle of the night is the worst for me. I feel like the entire world is asleep, except me and I'm all alone. It seems like using makes sense. I feel like "what's the difference? Who really gives a crap if I use? Who really gives a crap about me period?" That's exactly when I need to be able to pick up the phone and call someone. I too need to have a support network in place...big time. And to be sure I use it when I have it. Pick up the phone and call...even if my sick mind tells me the person I call doesn't really give a damn about me. As herbavore stated, a friendly, understanding voice can make all the difference in the world. So can being able to laugh , no matter how screwed up you are at the moment. It renews your soul to laugh with someone that's been there.

As screwed up as I am right now, I hope you would still laugh or at least smile with me, at my crazy post. You are far ahead of me at this moment...I pray, with all that I am, to get myself together. I pray for you to know you are valuable. You matter. You are fine the way you are, mo matter what a bunch of idiots are saying to you. I wish you the best. S http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fe_C6HzpeTk

 

[stopsmokinme]

I am a recovered cocaine addict, but I am currently physically dependent on, and addicted to opiates.

Quitting cocaine was a total mindfuck, by there was at least no physical hell to deal with.

Opiates are quite the opposite. I stopped a 100mg per day OC habit cold turkey with the help of Gabapentin. It erased mostly all of the physical withdrawal symptoms excluding the diarrhea. I stayed clean for one month, but then I slowly started using again and here I am again.

Try to get a script for the gabapentin and see if it helps. Search google and you'll see dosing info and please feel free to ask any questions you may have.