Relapse Relapse after a week clean :(

[Clsmomtobe]

Hey everyone! Unfortunately I just relapsed after a week of quitting cold turkey and I'm just looking for some support. It was the lack of sleep that did it for me. I had a habit of taking whatever I could get my hands on the past few months is when I started using all day everyday and at most I was snorting around 60mgs of hydromorphone or popping up to 200 mgs of Vicodin a day. I quit cold turkey last weekend and now here I am exactly a week later in the same boat. After waking up yesterday morning with a groggy head due to lack of sleep over the entire week I decided to take my last 4mgs of hydromorphone to find some relief, it didn't even really effect me. So when night time came around I started panicking thinking all my withdrawals were gonna come back and I was gonna have to go another full week with no sleep, so I got my hands on some Tylenol 3s and took two. I slept great but here I am the next morning totally regretting it all. How much of a set back do you think this was??

 

[kaya_9]

Don't look at it like a setback necessarily...just a bump in the road. You made the decision to quit because it's a good one. Stick to it and remember your feelings are temporary. Push through it and you'll be glad you did. Do and Be. Live Life simply.

 

[MrRoot]

It should not be a big deal to relapse shortly after quitting and such a small amounts in a short time won't cause your withdrawals to start from a day one again.

I rather would see relapsing as a sign of the fact that something is still needed to be fixed.

When you start to have longer perioids of abstinence relapsing does however become quite dangerous as your tolerance goes down and if you start with too high dose you'll just OD and drop dead unless someone is there to call for help and give first aid.

It still is a good sign that you do regret relapsing as it shows you really want to get better. There is just more work to be done to stay sober.

Do you attend to any support groups or otherwise have support you'll need in real life?

 

[Stargazer]

Hey- I feel your pain. I started the 24-hr waiting period between opiates and starting a rapid sub taper 3x within 7 days. I finally did it yesterday- I was ready to scream at my shenanigans.

I have been struggling my ass off to get on the right track again. And this is what I think (after lots of years on opiates and then clean a yr amd a half and messing up) , if you have the desire to want to stop in your heart- that's what is important.

There was a time-a fairly long one at that-I never had any desire to even look at the Sober Living section on BL. I used to feel loke "why on earth would anyone want to be sober?" So the desire is a great indicator.

As was said-its no surprise you took something this early in. Detox is brutal.

Ive cold turkeyed twice-and I mean 0 comfort meds either. Once was off of 300mgs of morphine AND a bundle to a bundle and a half of IV H a day (14-21 bags). 2nd time - off 300mgs morphine a day.

If you're able to take comfort meds such as loperamide, gabapentin, codeine within reason-Kratom, etc. I would humbly suggest doing so.

Horrific detoxes, imo are unnecessary. Im sure you're aware and know how horrible w/d is without being beat to death w the withdrawal bat. I wish you the best and no you didn't destroy your progress. Withstanding a straight week of w/d requires seroius strength. Give yourself credit for that!!

 

[cj]

That's not a setback at all. Your making progress and a week with no sleep will break anyone's will. Perhaps a little taper with the T3s if you can get more would be a good idea. Or some benzos if you can not get addictted.

 

[Clsmomtobe]

So I've been taking 1 Tylenol 3 to help me fall asleep, it helps with my anxiety as well I think just knowing I'm able to get a full nights rest helps me a lot. Do you think if i continue to do this, it will become a problem? Or do you think I'll be able to taper down to nothing pretty easily without hitting withdrawals back at square one? I'm pregnant and just trying to do this the best way possible I can't take benzos because they're not safe for the baby. I'm past the physical withdrawals now I'm just dealing with the anxiety and its killing me, the lack of sleep is the hardest for me. I work a pretty demanding job and I need to b alert. Any help is appreciated!

 

[simco]

Hey Momtobe...glad you started posting on SL!

As others have said, it sounds like you had a setback, but nothing at all disastrous. You can come back from this, no problem (not to minimize the challenge...just saying it's totally in your ability).

You asked about low-dose opioids to let you sleep. FWIW, I recommend against it for lots of reasons, but definitely due to your pregnancy. I understand the anxiety that comes with lack of sleep and the general mindfuck of WD. But if you can find almost any alternative, you and your baby are going to be way better for it.

If CT isn't an option (and keeping in mind that I am *not* a doctor), it's my understanding that subutex (not suboxone)--under the proper supervision of a doctor--is an option during pregnancy. Again, you'll need more than my word on this, but I think it is possible to get onto an ORT program using subutex in your situation. This would allow you to sleep and function, I'm pretty sure, without undue risk to your child.

Others? Am I wrong about this?

 

[Nomasfent]

I think it will be ok.... this detoxing is really hard I agree and the days after the sleepless nights brutal... I am going through it to right now so I get it ....I think that small amount is not going to set you back to day 1 of detox.. My detox at this point is just dropping my dose of fentanyl, I am not totally off it but this is a huge step for me, and I feel very proud of myself getting this far, as you should feel also getting as far as you are ..Just stay the course and I am sure you will do this ...

 

[Clsmomtobe]

Ok, well I know you guys can't give me an exact time frame but if I continue on without anything how long until I feel normal again? And can sleep normally? It really is such a mindfuck but I want the best for my baby I really I just also want to know I'm not going to feel like this for the full 9 months please any advice is taken greatly.

 

[Nomasfent]

I slept last night very good day 8 I think I am on now the night before was AWFUL only like 4 hours .... You should ask your doc about safe things for sleep I was able to take both while pregnant not long term but when I was sick and the unisom actually helped morning sickness this was all before I was on fenanyl so it was nothing to do with trying to get my body clean.... just normal preggo with morning sickness then a cold while pregnant ... with the unisom you have to read the ingreadiants one kind is the same as benadryl I use the kind that starts with the letters Doxy its not benadryl and works better for sleep and is not drying ...

 

[Clsmomtobe]

I've tried benadryl as a sleep aid i makes me feel sleepy but it doesn't get rid of my anxiety which is whats keeping me wide awake, like I can't shut my mind off. When I take the codeine though it gives me just enough to put me out and I'm fine after that. I've read mixed reviews about the T3s during pregnancy but my ob says its ok as long as its not in my third trimester, which I'm barely 6 weeks along. I'm just worried about getting withdrawals all over again if I continue to take one a night for sleep?

 

[Jabberwocky]

Is there some way you can ensure your codeine use is regulated? The danger to a zygote/fetus is not so much the codeine itself, but the damage that is caused by the dramatic change in your body's chemistry when you remove the opioid from your system once it has become used to it (and it is safe to say, with your past use of opioids, your body is probably quite used to them by now).

It's like a shock to the system is what you need to be worries about (imagine if you had sensitive teeth and put an extremely hot or cold beverage in your mouth - and how painful that would be - the difference between your mouth's normal temperature and how quickly the beverage's temperature changes it is what causes you pain, as if you were drinking a room temp version of the beverage it wouldn't cause any pain... if that made any sense, it's kinda like that).

That is why methadone programs work so well. Not only is methadone not a teratogen, but they have a lot of policies in place to ensure you do not mess with your dosage too quickly and keep everything regular so as not to do any damage to your developing preborn.

Is your OBGYN aware of your struggle regulating your opioid usage prior to this?

 

[Clsmomtobe]

Yes by OB knows about my struggle with this but I hadn't talked to her until after I had already quit cold turkey for about 6 days. She said that CT isn't best for baby and can lead to miscarriage but since I'd already gone that far I could continue or put me on methadone. But I've heard horrible things about withdrawals from methadone and I dont want to just get stuck on that and definitely deal with withdrawals. Is there a way I can go on a low dose of methadone that will help me feel normal and then hopefully not have withdrawals?

 

[Jabberwocky]

Well, there is no way you will be able to take any opioid for any useful length of time and not experience ANY withdrawals. But there are many ways you can use methadone at a moderate dosage (one that is just enough to make you feel genuinely okay, which shouldn't be too high if codeine is working well for you) and manage yourself such that the withdrawals are minimal at worst.

That was my experience on methadone - I was amazed at how easy, relatively speaking, I was able to effectively come off it (and I was on it for far longer than you could need to be). Who knows, it may just be the best possible thing you could do for yourself. You can plan ahead working with your doctor so you have the right comfort meds to enable you to most effectively come off it yourself (buprenorphine, diazepam, gapapentin, clonidine, etc) whenever you feel like you are stable and ready to after you have your baby.

And they will ensure that your baby is properly managed after birth such as to avoid any issues with FAS from the medication either. It is really a wonderful medication when it comes to mothers to be who struggle with opioid use, with a very long standing and proven track record. All that is required from you is motivation and compliance with the program you work on for it.

 

[Stargazer]

Hey Clsmomtobe how are you? I'm awake w my own detox right now. I don't think there's any way to completely surpass w/d. Really fucking unfortunately.
Dammit. I sure wish there was.

But-I believe if you're patient and take your time there's a way to make it alot less miserable. TPD tells us it can be tolerable. I've decided to trust him and I've been detoxing on a sub taper. It's not medically supervised as yours is as it should be. I think you're going to be fine.

I'm going through spme w/d. And yes it's uncomfortable-it gets worse at times but it is bearable honestly. Truly.

A large part is keeping your head out of it. I went through 2 very horrific cold turkey detoxes. I went off large amounts of opiates abruptly. I would never ever recommend that. I believe I'm fortunate to have survived them. I was hallucinating , vomiting and seizing relentlessly.

This is hardly like that. From what you've said, you're not going through that and if you got as far as you did-you have already felt what the worse is going to be for you. Thank God . Difficulty sleeping sucks. It wont last forever.

Maybe tapping w your T3's, if possible could help. Wish you and your baby the best.

 

[Stargazer]

^^I told you unnecessary stuff I already told you. Sorry! Lack of sleep. Uuggh. Was thinking of you. Sorry for repeating things.

 

[cj]

Yes by OB knows about my struggle with this but I hadn't talked to her until after I had already quit cold turkey for about 6 days. She said that CT isn't best for baby and can lead to miscarriage but since I'd already gone that far I could continue or put me on methadone. But I've heard horrible things about withdrawals from methadone and I dont want to just get stuck on that and definitely deal with withdrawals. Is there a way I can go on a low dose of methadone that will help me feel normal and then hopefully not have withdrawals?

Most the horrible things you hear about methadone isn't true. The withdrawals areally manageable if you taper correctly. If you keep having periodic withdrawals odds are you will misscarry

 

[Clsmomtobe]

Hey there, randomly decided to come back to this post as I totally forgot I had even started this. Such a dark time and I can honestly say I'm so happy to be out of it. Thanks for the encouraging words and thoughts as I really needed it and helped me get through all this.
I ended up just continuing my cold turkey without any methadone or anything, it didn't take long for me to start feeling better once I realized I wanted to be as clean as possible for my baby. Just had my 10 week ultrasound and so far everything looks great, so thanks again! I feel so dumb for even putting myself and my baby in that position. You guys are amazing with your knowledge and non judgmental advice.

 

[Toxicotton]

Personal support though sacrifice

How much of a set back do you think this was??

My magic number is two weeks. For some reason, that 14day mark seems to lead to a break in...sobriety? Detoxing? Cleansing? I dunno what the terminology should be, but I do know that it never helped me to feel shame and dwelling over it. Take a moment and reflect on what you did, what you were expecting to happen, how it felt during the moment, how you felt after the effects wore off, and how you feel mentally and emotionally after breaking your "fast". Then relax a bit. Take a breath and know that, while it's did happen, it doesn't mean you're back to square one. You'll NEVER be at square one if you rebound back to that mindset of "I'M GOING TO GET/STAY CLEAN!"
You're not the first person to have a "moment of weakness", but that's not the same as relapsing. In fact, it's not even a moment of weakness. It was really a personal experiment to see what would happen. The results are different for everyone, and that moment was a chance for you to learn something about how your mind and body reacts to "the poison" after so many days clean, or into detoxing. That's all. Just an experiment. Now you know something you never gave yourself a chance to know until now. But! It's behind you. It changes nothing about what you want: Absolution. Maybe it set you back a day/week, or maybe it did nothing. It doesn't change the FACT that you WANT to move forward with your life: A life without addiction/dependency on a specific substance in your life because you know you'll be better off. YOU KNOW YOU'RE BETTER OFF! So, don't dwell on it.
Also you may not realize this, but by you not allowing it to suck you back into the abyss you're setting a positive example for the rest of us who get down during our "moments of weakness". Because you're proving that idea is a misconception. Anyone that sees you "get back on that horse" will see your example, and think "Yeah, look at how s/he didn't fall back into the Abyss. If he can get back on that Horse, then so can I." They won't tell you that, they'll just do it!

tl;dr: You're not relapsing, you're setting a bold example through personal sacrifice. People feed off strength. People feed off examples that they can intimately identify because they've been there or are simultaneously going through the same struggles. Thanks, for the support (even if that wasn't your intention).

Source: My brother and I feed off our positive resolve (when battling opiate addiction) more than focusing on the supposed negatives. We never say, "Well, you're so weak for such and such." We ALWAYS say, "Damn man, you came back from 'THAT'?!?! So, can I (because I know you're a strong person too). I'm proud of you"

 

[cj]

Hey there, randomly decided to come back to this post as I totally forgot I had even started this. Such a dark time and I can honestly say I'm so happy to be out of it. Thanks for the encouraging words and thoughts as I really needed it and helped me get through all this.
I ended up just continuing my cold turkey without any methadone or anything, it didn't take long for me to start feeling better once I realized I wanted to be as clean as possible for my baby. Just had my 10 week ultrasound and so far everything looks great, so thanks again! I feel so dumb for even putting myself and my baby in that position. You guys are amazing with your knowledge and non judgmental advice.

Congratulations!!! I wish you and your family the best.