Reflecting on where I've come from and where I am today (3 years clean)

[GenericName12]

This forum was amazing to be back in when I was just learning what it was to be an addict and how to heal myself. Talking with other like minded people saved me.

I've been clean 3 years and have never been happier with my life. Sometimes I wake up and I can't even believe where I am today. Grateful to have a job, a clean and warm apartment in a safe neighborhood, a loving girlfriend. I can't imagine where I would be right now if I hadn't cleaned up. As an addict it's so hard to focus on the long term when the short term gratification is staring you in the face.

I was in a dark place - see: http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/681024-I-have-everything-but-I-have-nothing
Unfortunately I relapsed maybe 1-2 months after that. I even saw it coming - http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads...can-do-it!?p=11787565&viewfull=1#post11787565

It took me a long time to learn how to deal with my emotions. I used to just bottle everything into a bottle (of beer). I didn't know how to feel anything. This took a long time. I also went to therapy for this.

It took me some time to realize that willpower wasn't going to be enough in this situation. I needed a lifestyle change. This took some time to figure out. See: http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads...easons-end?p=12508157&viewfull=1#post12508157

I don't feel like this anymore. It's a weekend night (Sunday, but, tomorrow is a holiday) and I am just hanging out at home reading a book and I feel awesome. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything anymore. That just isn't my life anymore. Do I crave? Yes, sometimes, like a motherfucker. But I don't feel like I actually want to go drink, I just crave it even though I know I don't want it. I love knowing that I'll never wake up hungover, wondering what the hell I did the night before.

I needed to avoid situations that got me in trouble, avoid old 'friends' that got me into trouble, I needed to focus on rebuilding my life and thinking in the long-term.

I still cry sometimes when I think about the future. Some days I crave so bad it feels like my life is just a ticking time bomb until I relapse again. Other days, I feel amazing and don't crave at all. Every month it gets a little bit easier. At year 1 I couldn't imagine how much better I felt than 6 months. At year 2 I couldn't imagine how much better I felt than year 1. And at year 3 I couldn't imagine how much better I feel than I did after 2 years. Addiction can seem impossible to overcome but you need to trust in the system and trust that while there will be a ton of ups and downs eventually it will smooth out in the long term. I still work everyday to do everything I can to remain sober.


Not really sure where I'm going with this... just typing out my thoughts I guess. So grateful to be where I am today. Feeling reflective I guess.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Nice brother, I'm really glad to hear that SL has been a place of refuge for you in your journey down the path of sobriety. You will surely serve as an inspiration to many, whether you know it or not. Thank you for posting this!

 

[herbavore]

Sometimes, I get so discouraged here on Bluelight. People bring their raw and seemingly hopeless pain right out into the open and it is not just one person but hundreds of people. Lives that are complete disasters are laid bare. People think they want to die and some succeed before realizing that it is the life that needs to die and not the being. We just lost two fantastic human beings, both long time moderators here, and both young and full of talent and promise. I could barely bring myself to log in this morning. Thank you for reinvigorating my commitment to this site, to our mission here but even more, thank you for rekindling my faith in every single human being's capacity to heal. I know it has not been easy for you and as you say, there are still days when it is not; but picturing you at peace simply reading a book is a wonderful picture that I will keep in my mind when I get discouraged. I am so thankful that you chose to come back and write this. Often in recovery people leave this site behind (and usually for good reasons) but particularly here in the recovery forums it is good to hear from people a good way down the road in their own healing journeys. Much love to you and gratitude.