Recovering painkiller addict

[Vegeta1989]

Hi everyone I'm new to this kind of thing and I'm looking for some support and advice from anybody. I am going through a very rough time in my life atm. I made the biggest mistake of life recently I started abusing painkillers for about a year hardcore b/c of a very stressful situation in my life that I won't get into. Basically i became mentally weak to this stress and started abusing to numb myself from the mental pain very foolish of me. I stopped abusing b/c I started developing very bad stomach pains due to the amount I was using I was messing up my digestive system very badly so I decided to go cold turkey.

During my withdrawals which was a experience by itself I will never forget I used other drugs to get through them on my own. I used seroquel for sleep,weed,and benzos for the terrible anxiety. During the beginning of my withdrawals I was experiencing pretty much what I expected that everyone goes through trouble sleeping, flu like symptoms the basic withdrawal symptoms but things took very serious turn for the worse. I started get burning,tingling sensation in my feet during one night of this horrific experience and the next morning my big toes went completely numb and I couldn't move my toes like I use to i started freaking out but then things got worse the same sensations I had in my feet went to the tip of my penis. I went to the E.R right away got an MRI on my brain nothing came back. I described my situation to the E.R doctors they honestly could give a shit since nothing came back on the test.

The burning,tingling sensation on the tip of my penis has gone numb and is now glans are discolored since then. It's a dark pale purple.I went to my primary care doctor had all tests done and nothing came back. The glans of my penis won't get fully engorged when my penis is erect anymore but that's not the worst of it I can't feel pleasure from orgasms plus either. I can ejaculate but no pleasure feeling. I tell this to my doctor all he does is prescribed me expensive E.D pills. I have been off the pills now for 6 months with no changes. I feel like I fucked up my life forever. The guilt of knowing I did this to myself is killing me inside. I'm only 27 and I feel like my life is over b/c I can't live with the fact that I fucked up my young body using drugs. I'm probably leaving some details out atm but I havent been thinking so clearly these past 6 hellish months. Can anyone give me some advice on how to deal with this and function better with my current reality I'm becoming more hopeless as each day passes by. If this was a natural occurrence I would be able to accept more but like I said knowing the fact that I did this to myself and my young body is truly torture. I would appreciate all the advice I can get from anyone very deeply to help comfort my mind b/c I feel like a walking zombie now. Numb both body and mind.

I forgot to add that during my drug haze my penis worked perfectly fine during sex and masterbation. After 2 months of being off the pills I have become so frustrated that I started to drink here and there to numb myself again from the pain of knowing I fucked up my body. I go to strip clubs regulary now drunk out my mind holding back my tears while I get lap dances from beautiful girls on I'm my useless dick just thinking how could I of let this happen to me. It's pretty miserable and pathetic life I now live. I have refuse to have sex from old hook ups because I'm disgusted from the discoloration in my glands making up bs excuses. So now I waste money getting dryed hump feeling dead inside from strippers taking E.D pills so my shafts gets hard at least and thats getting old now too. If only I could back a year and never touched those demon pills that took away my soul and my dick. Just a reminder 6 months no pills at all with no changes to my penis. You guys think I'm fucked for good? To anyone thinking about abusing painkillers DONT I beg you they will eat away your soul, mind, and body. I'm srry guys for the long post I'm just not right in my head anymore. Thank you for any inputs

 

[Tes1021]

When you went to the ER and Doc did you tell them everything? How you abused pain pills, started having bad stomach pains and stopped cold turkey? I'm not a doctor, I'm not even a dude but I am an addict in recovery and back when I was using and my bf was using things didn't always work like they should have, xanax and alcohol basically shut shit down down their for my guy. I think that your definitely depressed, and with good reason to be. Depression and mental issues tend to go hand n hand. So if I were you I work first off, stop the drinking. Stop benzos. Stop going to strip clubs......the only thing you doing is making yourself more depressed by the way your body isn't responding. I would also stop taking the ED pills, since they aren't really helping you anyway. You can always take them in the future of its needed, your young, try to relax. If you have a lot going on in your brain then that could be a reason too. Also, give yourself a break. Stay away from anything that has to do with sex, maybe every thing your doing is making it worse. I would also DEFINITELY go see another doctor, someone who specializes in this area. Google it. Don't take "I don't know" for an answer. There is nothing worse then a doc saying those 3 words. It may also be helpful for you to start seeing a therapist. A lot of people shrug off the idea of talking to a professional, I used to, but I see someone. Was diagnosed with depression. And I was definitely depressed. No energy, no motivation to do anyway. Just miserable. Wanted to sleep. Now I'm on an anti depressant and feel much better.
If you haven't already, Google your symptoms. Write down everything and anything that could be going on. Take that with you to the doc. Something isn't right. Especially with the loss of feeling and discoloration. I would think blood flow is blocked, or a nerve somewhere is pinched. Getting lost in the bottle of a bottle isn't going to help you. Your just fucking up your insides. And if you aren't already craving the drink when you 1st wake up, you will be. Alcohol w/d is dangerous. If you hooked, go to medical detox.
I really hope things get better for you. Please try to stay positive.
Also, try to think back to exactly when this tingling started. Did you injure your back before this happened? Did you pull a muscle? Please see another doc

 

[dicko89]

good luck to you I'm also struggling with the addiction of opioids from the min I wake up I have 4 30/500 solpadol then throughout the day I do cold water extraction on the 8/500s over 60 tablets along with more codeine I just cant cope without, so I don't want to destroy my liver...hope it goes ok vegita1989,all the best.

 

[Vegeta1989]

Hey dicko89 thxs for the reply I appreciate it a lot. I understand so much what you are going through and experiencing at the moment. For a year straight I have lived what your are going through right now. The minute I would wake up all i would think about is doing my pills to numb myself for the day. Nothing else mattered in life to me. I honestly toook some many pills for a year straight that I should be dead and part of me wishes I just never woke up from one of my binges b/c the aftermath ( I don't want to scare you but I don't want to lie to you has been purely torture for me since I stopped taking those demon pills that's what I call them now b/c they possess you and take away your soul when they are done with you) I'm truly not the same person anymore. It's not the initial physical withdrawals which is hell on earth it's the mental aspect that is killing me atm. I have been off the pills for 6 months and I still feel dead inside. Nothing brings me joy the things that I liked don't do anything for me anymore I might as well be a walking zombie. They truly fucked up my brain chemistry. The depression is the worst and the guilt of it all knowing that I did this to myself a perfectly young healthy body and brain is very hard to live with. Suicide is a daily thought that crosses my mind sadly but I can't do that to my family and I'm not going to lie I'm scared of death but living daily life being tortured is wearing down on me. The only hope I have is that time will heal my mind and body but I'm not helping the healing process when I go out drinking so much alcohol that would probably kill a horse. So I feel more guilt that I'm making the healing process much harder and longer for my body to recover. I'm srry if I'm rambling and not making to much sense but my mind isn't that clear these days my intelligence has taken a blow from the pills. There's days I feel like I'm losing my mind. I go to therapy now it only helps a little b/c I have so much hate towards myself and guilt that it's so hard for me to forgive myself. I assumed you read my entire post and read the physical toll that it has done to my body as well if your a guy and you like your penis and the pleasure feeling of orgasms I would try to stop as well b/c my guy downstairs hasn't been the same since I been off them I'm not trying to gross you out just letting you know one possible consequence it can do to your body and if you like shitting properly I would also advise you to try to stop. I have to take a laxative every day now hoping I can go. When your on the pills especially at first none of this crosses your mind b/c you feel like a superhero nothing can stop you, you feel invincible but it's all bs in the end it was just the pills hijacking your brain just tricking you. I don't know how old you are I'm only 27 and I feel like a godamn old man now. It's true one of the biggest sins in life is a wasted life and right now I feel like I committed that sin. I have to suffer this sin on a daily basis now no peace just regret after regret knowing that I have thrown away a huge part of me that I might never get back and living with the fact that I did this to myself is the real killer. I could go on and on but you have your life to live so I'll stop describing my pathetic one to you. All I can really say to you is that your not alone in this battle we created for ourselves but if we still draw breath we can still fight even though sometimes it truly feels hopeless and meaningless. Stopping is just one victory a huge one but that's just one battle. Sadly the war is just beginning after we choose to decide stop for ourselves. Everyday will be just one battle in this long war we call recovery and it's only up to you if you want fight this small battles everyday to get the your true self back and honestly idk if we will ever be the same again after this long war b/c I'm currently fighting it. The only thing that keeps me going is hope. That maybe one day I will see the light at the end of this very dark tunnel. I'm no wizard by no means but I hope this helped you just s little. I hope I didn't scare you but this the reality of the situation to put ourselves in and it's no cakewalk it's truly tough. If you have support that's great but man we put ourselves in this hole and only yourself can dig yourself out of it unfortunately. I have a ton of support yeah it helps a little but just a little you really have to try and found your inner strength to fight and win this war. I'm going to stop but message me anytime you want and tell me how are you doing the good and the bad doesn't matter to me. Ill message you back and I promise I'll keep it much shorter. It's just easier for me to talk to someone that I know they are experiencing the same things I went through instead of a friend or family member that never touch the stuff who will never understand the true power of addiction and I'm happy that they never will. I wish you all the luck in the world man and remember you are not alone. P.s sorry I didn't break it up in paragraphs and if I forgot to put words in certain sentences I'm srry for that too my mind isn't to sharp these days sadly. Good luck

 

[Vegeta1989]

Thank you tes for your reply I appreciate it a lot. Unfortunately I didn't tell the doctors when I went to the E.R that I was abusing painkillers b/c I was ashamed of myself and still am but I should of in hindsight. I was hoping they would just find my problem on their own doing test on me like csans and MRIs which I had done but nothing came back. I was starting to lose my mind so A month ago I finally spilled all the beans to my primary care doctor about my recent drug abuse he was happy I told him but was barely phased by it b/c he was so use to it. I was kind disappointed from his response I guess I wanted a more concerning reaction idk what I really mean but I just was expecting something else from him. I guess I was wanting answers to my physical problems like yeah that's the reason why this is happening to you but all he said was he doubts it and give it some time. I asked can I plz get a referral to specific specialist concerning my physical stuff but I like said just b4 his response was give it time. I am going to therapy and told my therapist everything I did also. I'm currently taking antidepressants but my physical symptoms seem to overpower my ever thought so atm they aren't really helping. I haven't drank in 2 weeks. It's hard for my brain not to think about sex though b/c I'm so worried that I messed up my downstairs permanently and all think is how I am going to cope if it doesn't get better. I actually I had breakdown about it and made a emergency doctors appointment and finally got a referral to see a urologist a couple of days ago. Your right though I should stop going to strip clubs b/c all it does is make very depressed especially by the time I get home. When on the pills sex took a backdoor obviously I still had sex during my drug haze but I was so hooked on the pills that's all I would think about even during sex i would say to myself I can't wait to get high instead of enjoying the moment that I so miss and took for granted at the time. My brain has become hyper sexually since off the pills which has become torture to me b/c my guy downstairs isn't working like use to. I know sex isn't everything but being so young still thinking that part of me will be messed up for the rest of my life is very tough for me to accept and deal with. I get very strong negative thoughts when I focus on it either become a full blown drug addict again to numb myself until I od on something or just straight up end my life. I don't want either of the two but the guilt of knowing I did this to myself is so tough to handle and can't think clearly about other positive reactions that should have just negative. Not being able to feel orgasms anymore for 6 months straight is straight up frustrating and torture. I hope I'm not grossing you out to much since I just remembered your a female but I since your a recovering addict like myself I guess I don't feel to uncomfortable telling you this since you read my post already. I honestly don't know who I am anymore since I stopped abusing I feel dead inside. Sometimes I sob uncontrollably to myself saying out loud why the fuck did I touch those pills over and over again until I'm exhausted and can't cry no more. The regret is taking such a toll on me both mentally and physically. Since off the pills I have gain 25 pounds. I sign to a gym and was doing good for awhile but my negatively got in my way and I stopped going for a months which doesn't help me to much also. I would get frustrated and just tell myself what's the fucking point I'm numb both body and mind. I'm going to try going back soon though. I'm probably leaving some details out but I don't think so clearly these past months and I'm srry if I'm rambling and not making to much sense. I'm just leaving in a daily nightmare everyday now with no peace of mind. Just tortureing myself with guilt and regret that I totally altered my life forever b/c I became weak minded and couldn't deal with some of my realities so I turned to pills to numb myself the biggest mistake of my life. I'm 27 and I feel so tired and old now. I just wish this nightmare would end but it seems like it isn't. I just want my body and mind back. I just want to feel whole again. I took my healthy body and mind for granted and now I'm dealing with the consequences of it. It's a damn shame that us humans do theses terrible things to ourselves not realizing it in the moment until its to late. Thanks again for the response and advice. If I forgot to mention some things I apologize. I wish the best in your recovery and if you want message me anytime I'm srry I didn't respond right away I was just off the site for a couple of days and forgot to look at my post for any response