Recovering Heroin Addict Venting

[OxycontinAnonymous]

So I was addicted to Heroin for years. I went to treatment and stayed for five months. I left to go to school. I moved into a clean and sober place and since being here for six months I have not used hard narcotics. I have however messed up. I have drank 5 times since being here and smoked weed once. While this is a long shot from my old life I still feel really guilty, I am not being honest with A.A. and N.A. or my house mates. The guilt has really gotten to me and I no longer plan on drinking or anything it feels like my hope and happiness are getting smaller each time I drink. I feel really bad and feel like being honest and coming clean, but I would lose my housing and my pride in front of people I care about. I haven't told anybody this besides my friends who I have drank with. They don't understand why I feel so bad about it. Anyway this is kind of my way of getting stuff off my chest. Any suggestions or words of encouragement would be appreciated. Thanks

 

[jovarae]

Firstly well done at not using the harder stuff, six months is a really good start to your new life so please feel pride and recognize that you have came so far from your old life. Dont beat yourself up over drinking and smoking weed, just put it down to a mini relapse and start the next day with a new look that you wont make that choice next time. Six months is a long time (i know -personal experience) and you seem to have respect for your housemates and a longing to do the right thing, so I wouldnt come clean, you will lose everything you have built up. You have told me and everyone here so please let that be enough. I hope you stay clean and sober and i wish you all the best for your new life X

 

[Pagey]

Congrats on getting off heroin, you should really be proud of yourself for that. As for drinking/weed, don't be ashamed or anything - you're only human and it's almost normal for you to be doing that. What you need to beware of, and I think you're aware of this, is trading one addiction for another. That's what I ended up doing when I got off benzos and it does make you feel even worse afterwards. Since you're aware that you might be at risk re. drinking, it would be best you try and stop now, immediately, before it becomes a real problem. I also think you should try telling the truth to the people at AA and NA - they won't judge you (I'm sure lots of them have been through the same sort of situation) and they could probably really help.

 

[theartofwar]

Hardest thing to do is admit when you are struggling - after 7 months clean I screwed up also and i felt like I let down everyone. Didn't feel like I could turn anywhere. I isolated and stopped talking to my sponsor .... what couldve just been a slip turned into me being dopesick again a month later. I've been fighting it and working my way back but please don't make the same mistake. While I cant recommend telling the people you live with as i don't know the house rules if it's a sober house... NA and being honest are the only chance for me and I would recommend saying the truth , getting it off your chest in a safe scenario. I know people who have picked up 30 white chips and now have 10 years clean, it doesn't happen overnight and their are going to be bumps in the road. You're doing real well don't hold yourself down because of this. Guilt and shame are wicked at triggering relapses.

 

[indicameds]

Ive talked to my sponsor of 11 years about this many times. She gets me and my mind frame and she explained it the best Ive heard anyone explain it. She knows Im not big on the religious part of aa/na and I cant stand the big book. I know everything about it and the more I learned about how it was just a bunch on rich people that cashed in on peoples missery I learn to hate it even more. But The people In the programs DO help so ive kept goin. And this one female has always got me and never judged me for taking a different stance on the program than everyone else. And heres what she told me.

"Never take your sobriety date so serious that it itself could cause a re-lapse. If your sober for 2 years and then you go out and have a great time one night with some friends and make some amazing memories. Look at it for what it was, a good time and memories that youll have for life. Dont look at it as a start over on your sobriety date. That will only drag you down and start pushing you back to using. And as far as using other substances goes. You may have many sobriety dates. It is possible to be sober from heroin for 12months while still using weed. It doesnt change the fact that youve been clean from heroin for 12months. The main part of the program is to stop and eliminate the negative shit in your life so that the healing can begin and you can get better. If heroin was the negative aspect of your life, then work on it. And dont beat your self up over the other shit such as a few drink or smoking. Now if they are infact contributing to the negative shit in your life then they also need to be looked at. But if there simply adding to the great memories and good times your having while being sober from the harder things then as backwards as it sounds. Use em as a tool, just dont abuse them. And damn sure dont feel guilty about anything, that will only set you back. Everyones recovery is different and you shouldnt feel bad for not having the same kind as the next guy. But yet feel special for being different and having the chance to find what works for you."
Thats not exactly what she told me, it was a long conversation and I cant remember it word for word. But thats close, she just made it make sense for me. And I havent beaten myself up as much about shit since. Congrats on stayin sober from the harder things for so long, thats a great thing. Focus on that and let the guilt slip away.

 

[DooMMooD]

You know what you gotta do man....

if smoking weed and drinking make you feel guilty, do not continue to smoke or drink, simple as that.

If you're going to sacrifice your sobriety in order to not be ashamed either....you'll just end up relapsing anyway. Stop putting it off either tell the people at NA/AA or tell SOMEONE. But the guilt from NOT telling them is going to cause you to relapse.

Me personally? I have 0 guilt with smoking some weed every now and then, although I am trying VERY HARD to stop because I no longer like the person I am when Im' high. I've drank prob 3 times too in my 6-9 months off of all other drugs (only things i've done are smoked weed and drank those 3 times). The difference is i don't feel guilty about it. If i DID feel guilty the guilt WOULD cause me to relapse. So either get the guilt off your chest or dont, but you know exactly what it will cost you if you dont.

Textbook addict thinking: "I dont wanna tell them b/c i'll feel ashamed and might lose my housing..." what the fuck do you think will happen if you relapse as a result of said guilt? The same thing that you're worried about, except it will be a billion times worse...

Either way stop drinking and smoking; it obviously does you more harm than good. Soooooooo yeah, you know all this man.

This is actually one of the exact problems i have with AA/NA: its can become a dick sizing competition about CLEAN TIME. and yeah it DOES take balls to stand up at a meeting an confess you've fucked up, because you are 100% right, although theyre not supposed to judge you, those peoples entire lives are based around their "clean time". They definitely have a clique hierarchy of clean time in NA/AA, which I HATE. If you fuck up people CAN ostracize you instead of supporting you. "oh this guy threw away 6 months, what a loser", despite all of their non judgemental preaching. One reason I do not like NA/AA: they are hypocritical in this regard.

But just remember this b/c I found it helped me confess the same exact thing you are about to: who the fuck is someone in a 12 step to be judging you? If someone in a 12 step is judging you they're virtually useless hypocrites. So just take it in stride man & remember theyre in NO position to be judging you fairly, even (and especially) if they do.

Check out LIFERING, see if you have any near you. Secular, non step format. Kinda like NA/AA except I feel much much much superior (because they seek to IMPROVE your life and conditions, not to separate everything into such black and white terms, like 12 steps do). What I like about LIFERING is that they ADMIT that they do not have a magical answer, because there isn't one. Everyone takes a slightly different path to sobriety; unlike 12 steps which do eerything but claim that they are the only solution to a complex (albeit simultaneously simple) problem. Its kind of ironic 12 steppers claim its the ONLY way for an addict to get clean despite the overwhelming amount of evidence saying that a combination of: meetings (12 steps/LIFERING), therapy, and in some cases medication assisted therapies (ie suboxone/methadone) is obviously the best option if you look at it from a purely statistical point of view.

But as we all know, addiction is illogical, meaning statistics dont mean a whole lot. Also why its important to utilize different methods and different manners. If NA makes you feel guilty, get the fuck outta there. This was another problem for me; even though i am working a suboxone program exactly how it should be worked, and have not touched an illicit drug besides marijuana since February. They made me feel like I was wrong because i wasn't doing it their way. And if thats how NA/AA makes you feel? Fuck em.