Recovering from the past, any helpful hints out there?

[BЯΛINMΛΖΣ]

Hello, I've been sober for four months after a six year run of using pretty much everything. I have tried multiple times to clean up my act but nothing lasted past two weeks.
I was the type of user to go on binges on one drug after quitting another ending in a endless cycle. Now gladly the cycle has ended ( hopefully) and I try and gain some balance in my brain chemistry, emotions, feelings and perceptions.

My binges consisted of use of everything, not gonna list bc it doesn't matter but the drugs I feel have helped throw off the inner workings inside my head are;

-ecstasy ( taken app. 4000 pills ) now leaving me with horrible short term memory, back and neck tension/ pain, and a wonderful teeth grinding tendency during sleep :D

- LSD ( say around 600 doses or more ) Now leaving me with what I believe is HPPD, where on a daily bases small stimuli will trigger flashbacks and leave me in an unwanted state of, idk, fry..

- DOB ( 150 doses within a month ) By far the nastiest chemical I have ever endured!!! I feel a friend and I went off the deep end after both consuming 3 vials together within a month.

Other than that, I have used everything which Im sure other drugs have had a contributing factor to my brain being derailed but those three have in my eyes led me off the diving board.

Now, four months sober, Coming to terms with life a bit ( its quite boring now ) but its what needs to finally happen if I don't wanna live on the streets and make something of myself.

I am troubled though by the lasting side effects of my fun.
I have pretty bad depression ( though its weird because I realize my 'down' feelings are artificial"
Pretty fucked up sleep patterns,
extreme stress and anxiety ( I find it almost impossible to speak to strangers while sober, which leads me to drugs to have motivation, another endless cycle. )

pretty much I just wanna wake up from this nightmare and feel normal again, like I once did before my chemical journey or as close to functional as possible.

Does anyone have any hints to how people that feel as though they have endured these feelings overcome them.
And also, any supplements I can take to help chemically balance my noodle.

I can't afford a psychologist and or psychiatrist so,
ANY ADVICE WILL HELP PROFOUNDLY.
Thanks for your time..... Neal

 

[theartofwar]

What state do you live in ? Seeking medical help - therapy / psychiatrist etc could be covered depending on what your current mental state is viewed by the state.

Aside from that - the best thing you can do is what you are doing currently bro, you are opening up and beginning to live a life clean. The amounts of substances your brain has endured is large, wont lie, but the brain is amazing in it's ability to heal. It takes time to heal anything, like a broken bone or a torn muscle.

What is your family / friend situation like ? What are you doing for a place to live and for a job ? These are people and places where you can possibly turn. Best of luck bro.

 

[skinwalker]

Sounds like you definitely need a long break from any chemicals and need to focus on your priorities. Sounds like your drug use was for the purpose of recreation which almost always leads to confusion.
Without any backbone to help integrate your experiences you just fall deeper into a more confused state which is frightening and can bring out any pre-existing mental conditions out, whether its depression or anxiety.
If you are to continue using these chemicals in the future respect them. Use them for personal growth/spiritual enlightenment - they are such powerful chemicals they are not shy on letting you know when you are abusing them.
I know for me I had taken about a ten year break from having integration problems in my younger adolescent years after a few bad recreational experiences. After my break which ended last May, I have started using them for spiritual growth and have never been happier, I think mainly because I have matured and focused on my life priorities, the experiences are much more meaningful especially when done in moderation.

 

[Legerity]

Hey...give yourself some time to see how you re-adjust, these symptoms may just need more time to pass. Like the previous poster said, when these experiences are unable to be integrated they can result in all sorts of "problems".

Now that you're taking a break it's a perfect time to reflect on these experiences you've had and the issues that have arisen. Sometimes you have to dig through the shit to get to the other side, but it ends up being worthwhile.

I'm also at a point where I feel that I will be better off not using MDMA or psychedelics for a while, because I just have so much going on in my head to sort through and integrate into my life. I feel that digging deeper into my mind right now would not be in my best interest.

So be patient with yourself and see what you can learn from all this

 

[unsettled]

Continue to NOT use drugs, easier said than done, but, you asked.

Exercise, Stay Busy, Find something you love to do and throw yourself into doing it. You may or may not need to change friends depending on who you hang out with.

I know you said you can't afford a psychiatrist, I couldn't either until life circumstances dictated otherwise...

You may find yourself just as depressed or even more depressed further down the road, hopefully not, but if you do it's worth it to find some help. When I was diagnosed with ADD recently it put so much into perspective and really started let me move forward. I finally began to understand why I used so many drugs and did such reckless dumb things. I had been treated for depression and anxiety in the past but it never solved anything. The ADD diagnosis really pushed things forward for me and allowed me to stop looking back and dwelling on negative bullshit all the time.

Alot of people use drugs as a way of self medicating, if you are one of those people you'll probably find that getting some help will benefit your life greatly. For me it feels like without the professional help I would have remained a hamster running on his wheel going nowhere,, making the same mistakes over and over again. Getting some outside perspective on things from a psych made a huge difference for me, it is expensive but it's your life you're dealing with so you gotta prioritize.

Chances are if you give yourself time you'll bounce back into shape, if for some reason you don't, don't be afraid to seek help, you shouldn't have to feel that bad that long. We do deserve happiness in this life.