Recent Lifestyle or the underlying cause of my drug abuse [(Meth)Amphetamin]

[CHNO]

Hello Bluelight,

first of all I'd like to introduce myself. I'm a european student in my early 20s. I've read a lot of threads and posts here on bluelight over the last ≈8 months. I've experienced this forum as a very helpful tool for some to overcome or control their substance (ab)use habits and also as a good source for information. Although I hesitated to share a part of my story in this forum, I came to the conclusion that it might be worth. What I'm going to write is not even close to some of the horrible and pitiful stories that I've read here. This won't knock your socks off, but I'm sure there is enough space on here for me to share my little story.

To start things off, here a brief overview of the status quo 8( :

- Student in his last semester (good grade point average)
- In a long-term relationship (she has never done any drugs besides THC, alcohol and nicotine - she is not even curious)
- Largely satisfied with my life
- Many friends, 3-4 close ones



The past months

Recently I made it my habit to do stimulants. At first Speed (alpha-Methylphenethylamin) and then Meth (N-Methylamphetamin). Well, I would never ever call myself an addict. Never ever. I'm in control, you know? 8)

NOTE: I've came in contact with mentioned substances a couple of times over the last 4 years , but never craved it after I was offered to snort one while partying. It was all about fun. I did it maybe three or four times a year and never paid for it. I was not even considering doing it again the weeks (sometimes months) after. The thought of me going out to buy some was simply not existing.

So far so good, but now back to the recent developments:

If you would ask me how it all began, I seriously don't know. Two of my close friends are having some struggles (not sure if they see it that way, but one of them sometimes talks about it like he's struggling with it) with marijuana. Thus they at least twice a weak went to see their guy in order to take care of their habit. Well, then their guy also began to sell Speed - cheap in price and acceptable regarding quality. We love to party and Speed added something special to that experience.

Then my using pattern changed: I was thinking about using Speed during the week in order to tackle my shortcomings (tiredness, lack of motivation -> Learning for exams and stuff). Didn't work. I mean i was not tired anymore and had motivation, but not the motivation to do productive things. I wasted all the energy and motivation to do the most unproductive things one can imagine. But somehow I enjoyed it. And I did not even care about the fact that I will not finish my studies before the standard period of study (which I could have easily achieved, I could have saved one whole fucking semester). This is about 7 months ago and I did Speed for about 4 months. I mean I did not do it all the time, sometimes I did not use it for 5 days +. But it was on a very regular basis.

Well then came the day when the guy stopped selling speed. Well, a big letdown. My friends have made it very convenient for me. I did not even have to step a foot outside my door to receive my drugs. They just brought it along, as they live near to me and had to meet the guy either way.

But as already mentioned things changed. Since then (ca. 3 months ago) I am experimenting with Meth. NOTE: In my region Meth very easy to obtain, while acceptable Speed is not very common (at least not from what i know). This was the beginning of it (conversation between me and the friend who was taking care of buying the speed for me):

Me: "Hey are you driving today?" Friend: "No, but I will tomorrow. Also he is not selling what you want anymore." Me: "Well, not too bad. I was not planning on doing it anymore anyway. Just wanted it one more time, because I have to finish two essays until tomorrow morning." Friend: "Sure . You could call your old friend XYZ, but he can only sell you Meth . Just buy Red Bull man, bye."​

Guess what? Called my old friend XYZ. Again: Home-delivery (Obtaining drugs in such a convenient way in less than 2 hours makes it hard for me to fight cravings) Note: I cannot stand the idea of me walking the streets with drugs in my pocket. I cannot stand the idea of me driving to strange dealers in order to feed a nasty destructive habit. This is not the "me" I want to be. Back to my habit: I'm doing Meth since 3 months on a more or less regular basis - It usually takes 4-5 (the maximum was 9) days until I re-order. I realized that it does not do me any good. The last three times I ordered I said to myself that it is going to be the last time.

Well, my fingers hurt and I feel that I don't really know what I'm writing anymore, so I'll make it short:

Those 3 months of Meth abuse were the most unproductive months of my recent life, consisting of weird habits like extensive research on topics I would not even care about if I was trapped in an elevator for three days. I mean this is fucked up and huge waste of time, as it does not get me anywhere. You get the idea, I am sure a lot of you have been there.


______________________________________________


REFLECTION

But more important than what has been, is what will come. The past is done, I cannot turn back the hands of time. But I can focus on kicking this fucked up habit. I decided to never buy that shit again after I finished the last bag. This was 12 days ago, but yesterday I picked up the phone and dialed the number of my old friend (also he says that he is feeling that it is becoming a little bit too much lately). So now I am here and though I decided several times that I am not using again, my longest sober run was 11 days. What shocks me somehow is that I don't even enjoy being under the influence anymore. I really don't like it that much anymore. But this also gives me confidence, because in my teenage years i was very keen on smoking marijuana. Somehow I did not longer enjoy the trip, so I stopped. I sometimes sit in a room with pot smokers and seriously do not want to even take a drag.

But if I am not enjoying it anymore, then why am I still using it? This is the question I am asking myself right now. Deep inside I know that it is not the force of the drug that keeps me hanging on. I know I could kick Meth's ass, if I wanted to. It is not the addictive potential of this drug. Experienced Meth years before (the rush and the high was awesome), but never craved it. As I said I truly believe I could kick Meth's ass. But I came to realize that I am not able to kick my own ass. A bluelight post by the user "chugs" from the year 2004 in another thread had me thinking about denial and the reason I still use this drug:

Try and work out why you started taking meth? you might think it was because you just wanted a good time but perhaps in all the time you've taken meth you may have stopped thinking about a person or an emotional event (probably old and half-forgotten). [...] I characterise it by the fact that if your taking drugs and not having a good time yet contiune to do so generally your behaviour is being motivated by denial or some other deepseeded emotional issue.

I told myself I was still using, because I have spare-time and am bored. I have never been bored. First of all everytime I told myself that I am bored, there were tons of things that had to be taken care of, actually. And also I have never been bored in general - I am not a person who gets bored, I always find things to do (besides doing drugs of course) that give me a fun time, wether alone or with someone else.

When I read chugs' post it hit me: One time, during my sober time depressing thoughts that are related to a girl I know came up again. This was a surprise. I realized that I had no contact to her for about 4-5 months (even though we're pretty close usually). What really surprised me was that I did not even think of her during that time period! Not a single thought. This is just one more or less depressing issue that somehow creeps up inside of me from time to time when I'm sober.

I know one thing: I am miserable at looking into my soul. I never talk to anyone about my issues and I have never begin to identify them by myself. So far, I have lived my life deep down in denial of anything negative that arouse. Sometimes I feel a little bit like the priest Ivan in the movie "Adam's Apples". Does anyone know this movie? It's one of my favorite .

I came to the conclusion that I am using drugs* for the purpose of denial.

* I say drugs because I believe I would seriously not care which substance lets down the shutters)


So my final statement is, that I will stop abusing psychoactive substances in order to hide from my issues. Instead I will try to tackle them. Meth may be a bitch, but remember that you are the pimp^^. I will keep you updated, if you wish so.

If anybody questions the intention of my thread, I am not sure either. I just feel better by telling somebody (I'm a genius at hiding my use) and also I think it will help me that I wrote my thoughts down, so I can re-read it.



P.S. Sorry for the long text, I am not used to writing in internet forums. Have a nice weekend

 

[thedawn]

sorry,bro,that was too long for my concentration.
from what I did read,it seems like you need to let go of speed now.
it's time,man.
you have friends,girls etc.
you will lose all that to a potential meth habit.
you are in the position to do the right thing.
you're smart,reflective...
best of luck.

 

[modelskinny]

I agree. While you still are aware of your actions and think you're able to tackle it, do it. It won't always be the case and it sounds like you have a pretty good thing going for you.

Delete the numbers of your contacts and move forward. Be strict with yourself.

 

[WranglerPants]

Best of luck to you. I think you've had enough if the lifestyle. As you know from Adam's Apples, set goals and you'll achieve them (apple pies, sobriety, whatevs).

 

[motherofearth]

Hey CHNO, welcome to Bluelight. I read through your post, and it may just be my current state of mind, but the one thing I had trouble following was the timeline you layed out. So I just did my best to read through w/o regarding it.

The most important thing to be said has already been mentioned by the posters above. You may be able to kick meth's ass now, but it will not be that way for long. It has already taken a serious foothold in your life, seeping into various facets of your day-to-day. Furthermore, I'm not so sure it would be as easy as you anticipate. If so, why let it escalate as you have; sure, you provided some reasons through your post, but since you are quite ready to admit denial is a major factor in your use, could these reasons not just fit in well w/ your denial, thus making them rationalizations (ie just wanting to expand or augment your party experience, for one). I don't think it is normal behavior to use a drug liek meth to merely highlight your party time. Likely there is some anxiety/depression underlying that action, making you uncomfortable in your social setting and pushing you towards escaping an otherwise uncomfortable situation. Also, I've known people who abuse the prescription equivalent of street drugs (ie adderall, oxycontin), and when their connection for that dries up they certainly don't equivocate or compromise their ethics (not to say you did) and begin using meth or heroin. Once again, there is a push toward those things stmming from dependence.

Another thing about meth, it is one such drug which makes itself a readily avialable option for a variety of uses in your day. For instance, unlike alcohol and marijuana, meth can be rationalized to enhance your academics or work performance. For me, this is what made drugs like amps and opiates such dangers: I could use them outside of "party time" to complete every day tasks. This dramatically amplifies their spreading prevalence in your life. It seems this has happened w/ your use.

Finally, you seem to have more than a few things going for you. Why not get ahead on this thing and get out before the addiction starts its usual process of attrition where you will surely begin to lose the things in your life you've worked hard to have. Eventually you lose site of yourself and forget any of those things you lost were even important at a time. Then you will remember and you wouldn't be a weak person to cry, because it is very sad to see you've squandered all the good in your life for a coping mechanism that ceased to be effectual so long ago. I can talk about this because it has happened to me. You already know it isn't working, so instead of running towards it w/ your cash in hand (or having it delivered, either way) why not run toward something effective and healthy.

Good luck and all the best.

 

[caseface99]

I can relate to you a lot man, I continued to use drugs (not speed, but other hard drugs) long after I enjoyed them. A big reason (other than chemical dependency) was that I too am also great at living in denial about my emotions, bad things that have happened, things that upset me and fuck me up in the head. I tend to just go on like it never happened, and push it down to the depths of my mind. Drugs made this entirely involuntary and easy to do. Since getting sober 5 months ago, I still do it on my own accord to an extent. However starting to work the 12 steps has helped me tremendously with this.

Get off the speed man, get some help and acknowledge the things that you'd rather forget. Only by acknowledging how these things make you feel will you overcome them.

 

[CHNO]

Thank you for your responses. They made me see how I was probably lying to myself and I was back to sober for a few months. This was until unusual circumstances, which I was not quite ready for, arouse. I was regularly using meth again until October of last year. Still struggling with that run a little bit. Anyway sorry for never responding to all of your reactions, I at some point forgot starting a thread/having an account here, despite it was helpful many times to me. I usually dislike leaving concerned people in the dark, so I wanted to update this thread.

[...]
it's time,man.
you have friends,girls etc.
[...]
you are in the position to do the right thing.
you're smart,reflective...
best of luck.

Haha, sometimes it's best to keep it simple - maybe the reason why I could really remember what you wrote. Replaced with [..] are the things I did not remember: There was something at stake - I probably needed to stop. I quit, started using again and did never finish my bachelor’s degree - but this does not really upset me. The greater loss was never really being there...getting hyped about things (meeting friends and such) just to be left in a sentimental state of mind, with a feeling of things being over before the ever started.

Hey CHNO, welcome to Bluelight. I read through your post, and it may just be my current state of mind, but the one thing I had trouble following was the timeline you layed out.

Belated thank you for welcoming me here! Speaking of time, I probably shouldn‘t bother providing references to time anymore, as my perception of it became a bit distorted. You haven't been on here since September, but I would like to thank you for reading through my post and for giving me an earnest answer, you provided some legitimate and insightful thoughts (for concern). Hope you were able to manage your opiate habit, but regardless may your current state of mind be content.

I can relate to you a lot man, I continued to use drugs (not speed, but other hard drugs) long after I enjoyed them. A big reason (other than chemical dependency) was that I too am also great at living in denial about my emotions, bad things that have happened, things that upset me and fuck me up in the head. I tend to just go on like it never happened, and push it down to the depths of my mind. Drugs made this entirely involuntary and easy to do. Since getting sober 5 months ago, I still do it on my own accord to an extent. However starting to work the 12 steps has helped me tremendously with this.

Get off the speed man, get some help and acknowledge the things that you'd rather forget. Only by acknowledging how these things make you feel will you overcome them.

Sadly, right now you don't seem to be around here either. Personally I never had anything severe happen that I could pinpoint as a source of great emotional pain, but despite of that I have not really learned to embrace my emotions or how to cope with them. I am more honest and open about myself to other people and myself already because pushing my fears and emotions aside has only failed me. I have read some other posts of yours and you seem to be a great guy. Don't lose your interest in staying sober and good luck to you!

 

[CHNO]

Haha, sometimes it's best to keep it simple - maybe the reason why I could really remember what you wrote. Replaced with [..] are the things I did not remember: There was something at stake (including my health) - I probably needed to stop.

 

[Znegative]

I only read the original post, I'm lazy, have had a hard day, and thats my excuse, but in response to the original poster:

Believe it or not, you are still experiencing the honeymoon phase of meth, so if you think its bad now, it is only going to get way way worse. You think you're unproductive? researching and collecting information on topics that will never be useful to you into the wee hours of the night? Shit, that was my idea of a good time (I can tell you all about the history of HIV, almost every serial killer known to man kind, the difference between pedophiles and pederists, and lets not forget my vast and useless knowledge on narcotic analgesics, their brand names, generic forms, Water solubility and BA ROA rates-for someone who has never had a problem with pain in his life, but just planning ahead for his next medicine cabinet raid), shit I used to spend upwards of 36 hours on my panhandling signs, making them so pristine that people would tell me to get a job painting storefront windows (or some other dope fiend would just steal them). I mean, who writes 'Homeless' in gold and silver Calligraphy lettering- A fucking Speed freak, thats who.

The bad times are yet to come man, wait till you start hearing your friends plotting to kill you using electrodes powered by ludicrous hydraulic killing machines. I've even attacked someone with a U-lock who I thought was building a pipe bomb to blow up my tent, but was in all actuality having an asthma attack (and as a severe asthmatic I felt real bad about that). I would wake my ex up 1000 times during the night, whispering sharply into her ears "did you hear that!? we HAVE TO GO!" "but it's raining outside and there's no one out there" "You must want to die, where's the god damn crow bar, give me the god damned crow bar".

Really, enjoy this drug while you can before you enter phase 2 and your haunted by the malicious shadow people who's malevolent intentions are obvious, regardless of the fact that they never actually act upon them. Eventually I just resigned to dying, it actually helped me enjoy speed again. Once I started hearing my friends plotting my death I'd just warn my ex once, in case she wanted to live, and then lay back in my tent and waited to be killed, which of course never happened and over time I just started ignoring my hallucinations and they went from frightening to confusing because I just didn't trust a god damn thing I saw or heard.

So really, be glad Meth aint heroin-I am not belittling the addiction, IMO it's just as powerful and I'm struggling badly from the cravings every second, but at least it doesn't make you sick to kick.