Ready to blow up due to stress

[paranoid android]

I don't really know why the fuck I'm making this thread but here goes.

Lately let's just say i have been more then abit stressed out about things. First off i was supposed to be out of where i live by now but sadly that got fucked up. The place where i live is the main problem i have as noone can stand living here not even my brother who while staying here deals with it by downing a case of beer a day or more. For one thing my mom's physical and worse yet mental health has not been good to say the least. She has been going through alot of pain but instead of doing anything about it she takes it out on whoever is closest which is usually me. I am the one left here to look after everyone since my brother just fucks off when he feels like it or just ignores everything. When you have a parent shouting that they want to die it's kind of hard to ignore shit but somehow he does it. Granted his total lack of empathy may help .

On top of that i have no real friends left in my area. I have noone here i would call more then a acquaintance usually one id just go and get high with or split some coke with. I pretty much live in a rural ghetto where people deal with their sorrows with drink, drugs and violence so it is not exactly the best environment to say the least. I can't even walk to get a fucking coffee since i live 45 minutes from the fucking city . All of this leads to pressure building up that comes out in the form of me flipping out and beating myself up on drugs or beating something up. I am normally not a violent person unless provoked or drunk but the other night i nearly beat someone up for simply bumping into me ffs! Thankfully i came to my senses before i did any harm and i realized what a total cunt i was being. Ive just been feeling like a time bomb on a very short fuse waiting to go off lately. No matter how much i work out till i drop it does not go away.

I just need out of here by any way possible but i don't see many ways out. There are a few but i am not counting on them since Ive been burned before. Also doing what i really want to do which is to go to university is nearly impossible since i would need money not only for uni but also to live there. In a place with no jobs and social services being of little use that's a tall order indeed.

I just feel like a caged animal that is just looking to escape by any means possible. Sorry about the rant

 

[Missykins]

I went through a similar period where I quit a job in order to care for a dying parent (stupid employer would not let me drop down to part-time, but that's another story and I had no real friends in the area, either).

You must be in a bad spot because you are typically the voice of reason around here. Sounds like you need to get out the house and you have few employment options. Perhaps you can donate your time to a worthy cause while you look for employment that will : a) get you out of the house, b) provide you with some intellectual stimulation, c) help you meet people and develop contacts, and d) perhaps lead to employment.

 

[paranoid android]

The thing is things are so bleak here you can't even donate your time to a worthy cause as there are none. Where i live there is literally nothing at all and such is the price you pay for being stuck about a hour outside of any civilization. There is no public transit within a 45 minute drive of here so i have to walk or hitchhike if i want to go on my own, no library's, gyms, coffee shop's, etc. The only thing here is fish n chip's spot's and pubs. The only forms of entertainment that exist here are the various shitty depressing pubs where you can drink yourself blind or play video lottery terminals. Other then that there's just the drug houses which house the walking dead with nowhere else to go.

It really get's to me in winter because due to neuropathic pain in my face i can't go out in cold days when the wind is blowing at all as it might trigger off a attack of trigeminal neuralgia. In the summer or fall (on the rare occasions when this part of the island is not being soaked by rain ) i can atleast go for a walk or hitch into the city but i can't do that now. On the days it's not cold it's usually raining so yeah kinda depressing there.

This is a place for the very old and that is all really. Certainly it's not a place for any young person who want's to do fuck all with their life.

 

[voxmystic]

At least you're making this thread instead of beating the crap outta someone, so that's positive ....definitely sounds like you need to get out of that house, though. If there aren't any jobs for pay, could you at least volunteer somewhere? Animal shelter, soup kitchen, anything? Just something to focus on and some place to be that isn't totally depressing /stressful ....just spit-balling here, but you def need a change of scenery!

 

[voxmystic]

Ah, just read that last......I. dunno....is there a way you could get a live-in deal like a caretaker or w/e in the city?

 

[paranoid android]

Well i have noone left to stay with in the city here unfortunately. Or atleast not in any house not occupied by complete fuck ups. I could get social services to set me up in a flophouse but fuck that shit.

Right now i think maybe just up and taking off would be the best option. Even if i just have the price of a fucking flight id be alright if i had a place to crash until i got my bearings. To be completely truthful i don't do good being stuck in one place for very long at all. I have never felt more at home getting off a plane in a new city knowing only a few people there. I don't think Ive been quite domesticated yet

 

[the real yeti]

My first bit of advice might be utterly useless as I'd wager that you've done this many dozens of times by now, but I'll mention it regardless: you should confront your brother about his disconnected behavior. If your mother is having health concerns that require support, you two need to do it together. You're both her sons, and you both have equal responsibility for making sure she is treated, comfortable, and happy. If nothing else, do it for your mother's sake. It will be mutually beneficial to everyone involved if you can work that out which, I know, is a tall order, but it's more than worth a shot.

Second, about the lack of friends situation you mentioned: try going to one of those bars, even though you hate them, because you'll more than likely meet someone there that you can form a good friendship with. I've been in similar situations, and what has always helped me has been just recklessly throwing myself into a place, meeting people (mostly non-awkwardly), and just sticking with it until something comes out of it. Everything will work out, I promise you that much.

If you think it's the best option, it wouldn't necessarily be a bad idea to just pick up and leave, providing you have the resources. Try and get to that public transit you mentioned and take it to whatever city it works around. If you can't find a place to stay, being homeless in a place that at least offers some opportunity doesn't seem vastly worse than what you've described; at least you can land a job somewhere in the city. If you'll have problems with your neuropathic pain and you absolutely can't stay somewhere warm, talk to either a shelter or a hospital and they'll more than likely let you stay somewhere. Alternately, you might find it easier to work the logistics of your move if you waited until the spring or summer to do it.

I hope your situation improves, man. You don't deserve any of what's happening to you. Just stay focused on managing your stress and keeping your head on straight and everything'll work out if you give it time. Best of luck to you, man.

P.S. I don't know if what I posted is bullshit or not, I was kind of just throwing words on the page. I know your situation is a lot more complex than anything I've said seems to reflect, but hopefully I've given you an idea or two that helps you out.

 

[herbavore]

PA, after reading the whole thing I honestly think that is what you should do. If you can get the price of a ticket together and figure out someplace where you know somebody that would let you stay temporarily, that sounds like a brilliant and gutsy idea. There is nothing like being a wanderer when circumstances are crushing your soul. Go someplace warm! I really hope you can make that happen--even the planning of it will give you something positive to focus on. Much love to you--you are an incredible survivor.

 

[voxmystic]

If you're comfortable just leaping off to an unknown place, it sounds like you certainly should, if you can come up with the transportation. Where you are now just sounds like a dead end. Not gonna get any better, y'know? I use to do that sort of thing a lot in my teens and twenties. High adventure; some way excellent, some way shitty. But I got to travel, and I never in a kajillion years would have found the place that I liked enough to actually settle down in if I had not been the kind of person whd just dive into the great unknown. If you can find a way,I think you should go for it.

 

[paranoid android]

Second, about the lack of friends situation you mentioned: try going to one of those bars, even though you hate them, because you'll more than likely meet someone there that you can form a good friendship with. I've been in similar situations, and what has always helped me has been just recklessly throwing myself into a place, meeting people (mostly non-awkwardly), and just sticking with it until something comes out of it. Everything will work out, I promise you that much.

Well the thing is i am a recovering alcoholic so the last place i really need to be is hanging out in bars. The main reason i don't hang out in the bars where i live is simply because there is nothing in them that interests me. I don't drink anymore and i sure as shit don't play the VLT's so the only reason i have for going to bars these days is meeting women and well let's just say that ain't gonna happen here . Also i am not going to run into anyone here that does not already know me so yeah it kinda sucks.

PA, after reading the whole thing I honestly think that is what you should do. If you can get the price of a ticket together and figure out someplace where you know somebody that would let you stay temporarily, that sounds like a brilliant and gutsy idea. There is nothing like being a wanderer when circumstances are crushing your soul. Go someplace warm! I really hope you can make that happen--even the planning of it will give you something positive to focus on. Much love to you--you are an incredible survivor.

Yeah the up and going deal looks good right now. The shitty thing is i have to get my psych and pain meds sorted before i go anywhere because i will be no good to anyone in benzo and opiate withdrawal as well as having my bipolar come back with a vengeance. But taking off to somewhere warm is looking good and after today it ain't gonna take much for me to just up and fucking leave. It's a goal i have to work towards and get everything sorted but i can do it. I miss the days when i didn't have to rely on shitty fucking meds that's for sure

As for me and my brother ever possibly working together to solve anything that would be about the equivalent of the entire middle east declaring peace. We have never got along and as we have gotten older we have only grown farther apart. Also he is fucking off back to his place in a few days not that he is any help when he is home anyway. Considering when i was dealing with all this shit since the summer he wouldn't let me stay one fucking night at his place in the city so i could possibly get a break and have some fun . I swear to fuck one of us is adopted

 

[the real yeti]

Well the thing is i am a recovering alcoholic so the last place i really need to be is hanging out in bars. The main reason i don't hang out in the bars where i live is simply because there is nothing in them that interests me. I don't drink anymore and i sure as shit don't play the VLT's so the only reason i have for going to bars these days is meeting women and well let's just say that ain't gonna happen here . Also i am not going to run into anyone here that does not already know me so yeah it kinda sucks.

Wasn't aware of that. You're quite right then, avoiding bars is a good idea. And if you don't think you'll meet anyone new there then, again, you're probably right in saying that it's not even worth the effort.

Yeah the up and going deal looks good right now. The shitty thing is i have to get my psych and pain meds sorted before i go anywhere because i will be no good to anyone in benzo and opiate withdrawal as well as having my bipolar come back with a vengeance. But taking off to somewhere warm is looking good and after today it ain't gonna take much for me to just up and fucking leave. It's a goal i have to work towards and get everything sorted but i can do it. I miss the days when i didn't have to rely on shitty fucking meds that's for sure

That's a decision that you've really got to commit to, because it will essentially uproot everything you have and you'll start over from not quite the proverbial scratch but definitely not far from it. But, given what you've told me, I'd agree that pursuing that seems like the best idea, at least from my limited perspective.

As for me and my brother ever possibly working together to solve anything that would be about the equivalent of the entire middle east declaring peace. We have never got along and as we have gotten older we have only grown farther apart. Also he is fucking off back to his place in a few days not that he is any help when he is home anyway.

Well, in that case, make sure your mother has someone to look after her every once in a while if you think it's necessary before you up and leave. Other than that, just focus on planning what you're going to do immediately after you leave wherever you're trapped. Plan everything: where you'll look for work, where you could possibly find some temporary shelter, places you could rent out a little down the road, everything. In the next few months, try to blueprint the foundation of a new life for yourself; when the time comes you should pack your things, get as far away as you can, and never look back. Be strong, come this summer you'll be on the fast track to independence.

 

[paranoid android]

Thanks for all the support guys . I have been going through a really rough time lately and Ive been feeling more fucked up then i was even admitting to myself. I am used to putting up a good act even if I'm miserable so it's not always easy for me to admit that i feel totally alone and lost even though I'm not. I have friends that care about me alot and having been through a few suicides of close friends i could never do that to them. Also i know from experience that things can totally change in a day so cancelling the gig is simply not a option. I have gone from being in a bottomless pit of suicidal despair to feeling like the luckiest cunt on the face of the planet in a matter of days so i try and keep that in mind to give me hope.

To the real yeti: One major problem i ran into earlier this year when i was planning to go live in the US was the fact that i would be fucked down there when it comes to health care. Even something as simple as a infection caused by the flu would mean id have to pay a fortune to see a doctor not to mention having to go and get my scripts or try and get them. I may have a way around that now thanks to a certain awesome chick whose insurance i might just be able to get covered under. But we also both had our problems and that combined with our impatience at not being together kinda fucked things up . But it looks like i might be able to pull it off now if no bad shit happens between now and then. I do have problems with trust though after my last relationship where i was basically just fucked over and was too fucked up and in love to realize it until after we broke up. But Ive mostly gotten over it but it has just made me more cautious which might be a good thing with me since i can be too trusting.

As for who's going to look after my mom when i leave the best i can hope for is that my bro might help abit when he comes back to live in the city here. My dad still lives in this house but he has no sympathy for my mom at all, is never home, ignores her unless they are arguing and all in all is less then useless. The cunt . My mom's family is of no help either and growing up it was basically just me, my mom and my brother. So that's going to be a problem but i am of no good to her if i stay here and wind up in prison for some dumb bullshit so i have to get out regardless.

The feeling of being like a caged animal is just getting way too much for me so planning to get out is needed. If i have a goal to work towards it will atleast keep my spirits up. Even if the place i move to is colder then where i live now atleast I'll be happy especially if i have someone to keep me warm

 

[fakeplastictrees4]

good luck with whatever you do man, only thing I can say is don't give up

 

[herbavore]

PA, while it is true that health care in the U.S. is abysmal, no...let's call it what it is, criminal, there are still basic services that are available to people without money. There are county-run mental health services in every state and they can be good resources for more than medications. Often there are programs that help with housing, employment and just general peer support as well.

I loved what you wrote about knowing that everything can change in a day. That is a particularly powerful piece of knowledge to carry with you in life.