rationalizing suicide to myself

[wearyprincess]

I would say that up until lately I have been a fairly happy person (about as happy as the human condition allows, I suppose)

recently starting my second semester of college with my increasingly controlling boyfriend has ended that though. school stress mixed with increasing verbal and physical abuse have lead me to the thought "why not just quit?"

and this is why I am scared because I have begun spending hours a day silently rationalizing killing myself in my head, suicide is looked Down upon, but why? why is it that we have to live a life we were forced into? even if we don't want to anymore. there are plenty of people who want to be alive and I feel as if I am wasting space.

yeah, I don't want to go to school for a job that I will probably hate but it goes so far beyond that, I no longer want to bear the burden of existing. everything just feels so meaningless.

so why wake up and get dressed for another meaningless day? someone please help me answer this question because I don't want to make a naive mistake and I am worried about myself.

 

[beekr]

I feel you. I totally understand. I feel the same way.

But look at it this way - you get one shot. You get the privilege of suffering while alive just once, for about 70 years. After it's over it's over for eternity and that's it.

Life could be much much worse too. You could have a debilitating disease, you could be living in a God forsaken country with no rights, you could NOT be in college.

You have the world by the balls. Do something you love that might not lead to a well paying career but makes you happy. You might get lucky and turn it into something you love. Do theater or something, dream, you could be on broadway. You're young with your whole life ahead of you!!

I'm in a career that I hate after studying math in college and i used to sneer at the lib arts majors. Now I wish I had been one.

Find a Nice Guy (tm). They can be found at the computer science lab. Marry one and live happily ever after. You're a girl, you have the privilege of being able to be taken care of if you want. Go on vacation, go to Hawaii.

Do things that make you feel alive. Natural dopamine, not drugs or booze.

Good luck!

 

[missmeyet?]

Yep...why not just get rid of the asshole since you recognize that fact and then do whatever in the worl you want that might make you happier rather than just killing yourself? Put off killing yourself for awhile and just try something new..you can always go back to that plan later if necessary. You are young and can make any decision you want..and even a "wrong" one isnt the end of the world..anything beats killing yourself and ending that chance at happiness. What if you gave up now when one change you could make could change the course of the rest of your life and the way you see things..and ten years from now you were looking back at today and saying wow, thank God i didnt do it (kill myself)..look at all I would have missed out on.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

there is a reason why you're here

hang on

 

[wearyprincess]

thank you very much for these responses, it's really comforting to get alternatives from someone who feels the same way. I am going to try to be positive and put it off but the sense of pointlessness is sometimes so very overwhelming. I just wonder if maybe humanity is not for everyone.

 

[Crashing]

Many people experience suicidal thoughts at one point or another. Maybe you continue to live because deep down in your subconscious, you know that your situation will change.

 

[Allein]

I still find it hard to understand people who don't seem to need to question these things, maybe they are lucky or more enlightened maybe not...or maybe it's irrelevant.

Some people seek a purpose in religion and some even claim to find it there, others look elsewhere.

I'm not convinced that a 'purpose' is to be found, it's the search and the journey that I'm trying to focus on, I've been down a few dead ends and will no doubt do so again but each time I gain experience to carry forward.

I've struggled with thoughts of suicide in the recent years but I'm so glad I didn’t do so, the thoughts passed and I got to experience more of this mystery.

I hope these dark feelings pass soon, hang on in there you have a gift don't give it away

 

[herbavore]

You are in an abusive relationship so it is no wonder that you feel demoralized to the point of giving up. You do not have to be a victim to anyone. Staying with an abuser, especially once you have summoned the strength to see him for what he is, has a very toxic effect on your belief in your own power to change. No one can victimize you without your consent. You have to start there. Reach out to the Women's Crisis team in your area and get support for getting out of that relationship right now and preventing other relationships like it in your future.

Wanting to die is usually wanting to live differently. You have the power to do that. If you are not passionate about what you are studying is there a way to change course now and prevent simply preparing for a job you expect to hate? That sounds very depressing. usually we just talk ourselves out of happiness we could have because we are afraid of trying for it and failing. What a trap! You are young and you can make many, many mistakes and each time still learn and get closer to creating the life you want. Wanting to die is simply an expression of exhaustion sometimes. Exhaustion happens when we keep thinking in the same ruts, spinning our wheels. You have to break free in your own thinking and ask for some help while you develop new thought patterns.

Being in abusive relationships is a very deep and usually complex tangle to sort out. There are many support groups out there where you can feel at ease and not ashamed. This is crucial to healing. If the physical abuse is happening, you may need intervention. Have you looked into what is available in your area? there are probably groups on campus that could help you.

Stay with us. I don't know you but I care what happens to you. Life is beating you up right now but you have lots of alternatives.

 

[deidara]

All these people are right. Your life doesn't have to be like this. Find something that you are passionate about and choose your path. You can do whatever you want, don't let school or your boyfriend stand in your way. You will get past this and think back to yourself how grateful you are you didn't kill yourself. I used to feel that way too and now I am just happy to be alive. I am back in school and really struggling, but I haven't quit yet, and I won't. I want to be a tattoo artist and I am majoring in studio art, something I love. Art (and drugs) is what makes me happy, so I've found my path I feel like. You will get there one day too, it didn't take me too long. You just gotta get out of that funk. I know it sounds cliche but make a gratitude list, that really helps me when I feel that emptyness. Don't give up yet, you will find your place in this world.

 

[thedawn]

for me,it's music that makes me stay here one more day.
like playing it,listening to it,reading about my fav artists in music mags online.

don't kill yourself.or what i mean is,you really don't have to.
there are ways apparently.

i would start slow and easy with some blues from the 20s and 30s.
that shit makes sense.
son house,robert johnson,you can find these artists music for free on youtube and such.

like herbavore said,stay with us instead.we fucking suffer on a daily basis too.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

thank you very much for these responses, it's really comforting to get alternatives from someone who feels the same way. I am going to try to be positive and put it off but the sense of pointlessness is sometimes so very overwhelming. I just wonder if maybe humanity is not for everyone.

life can be absurd, and the sensation of pointlessness can be hard to overcome.

 

[Maya]

Like what everyone already said, please don't kill yourself. What if the events go in your favor and your life turns around? You don't want to miss that chance. Life is tough hun it's always going to be survival of the strongest it's going to test you emotionally physically and mentally so you always have to be prepared to take the beating. You can always find things to make you happy but it will not come to you, you have to work for it.

 

[thedawn]

i just wanted to get this post back on top of the page.
there are so many in your situation.
i don't know why.
maybe it's the times we live in….

all the replies to your post are good.
the people on BL are great.

we can rationalize whatever.and fast without thinking too.
be aware that sometimes your mind plays tricks on you/