Random thoughts..life...

My random thoughts consist of just life in general. Why and how things are the way that they are. Like a normal human being would...

But, there is one thing i would like to know. More than anything.

I would like to know, why people think it's o.k to do things and other people think its the total wrong thing.
For example: My mom thinks its O.K to not lend me 5 dollars because i forgot my wallet at home. Home being a half an hour away. I was visiting my grandma because she just got back from treatment from cancer. Her second time around having the evil thing. . .

She even had the money on her. And you know what she said to me? She told me she couldn't grab me the 5 dollars because her boyfriend was watching and he might get mad that she was giving me 5 dollars! . . .

I am not one of those kinds of people that just uses people for money...and i always pay her back if i ever borrow money...also i had just turned 18 and have been living with my grandma since i was 13 because my mothers boyfriend doesn't like me. He doesn't have a reason. He. Just. Doesn't. I haven't asked for money for like a year. Just this ONE time i needed her to be there for me she wasn't. HER REASON???? SHE DIDN'T WANT HER BOYFRIEND TO BE MAD AT HER FOR HELPING HER DAUGHTER OUT. when he doesn't even have a job and my mother works TWO jobs!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am soo mad at my mom for not being stronger for me.. She always has such low self esteem!!! But then again i can relate...But, i only can relate because thats all i really know?? Do you think that i am the way i am because of how her past relationships were bad?!??!?!


About, 8 years ago when i was ten she was with a man that cheated on her multiple times and she stayed with him...then they broke up...and got back togther.. When they got back together the third time he told my mom we were moving to vegas...even though i was only 10..I stood up to him when my own mom wouldn't. I told them both i wasn't going ANYWHERE. And i ran to my friends house and told her everything. He was a horrible man....and so is the guy shes with now...i don't understand why she has such bad self esteem...she really is a beautiful lady.


I have so much anger towards her and her boyfriend. I feel like i don't have a mom anymore...
Is that what all people feel when they turn 18??? Or is it just me??
Idk... I just with things were differant. i know nobodys perfect.


But, that night when i almost ran out of gas...I had to go 100 mph just to make it to my work, which is 3 miles away from my house. I had TO BORROW MONEY FROM MY WORK just to make it home!!!!!!! And my manager even took the money out of the till to do it! Which he couldv'e got in WAY more trouble than my mom would have with her BOYFRIEND!!!!

Pree much too sum everything up is: Why do the ones that you want to care, DONT???

 

My mom was a lot like that, putting her kids second to a piece of shit alcoholic "boyfriend" she had while my dad (who is still alive but very sick in a nursing home) and her were both still married, so she was cheating on my dad as well as leaving her kids to fend for themselves. I hated the guy, I hated him every time she gave him her hard-earned money that was needed for us to pay our household expenses (this guy was homeless, my mom even tried to move this loser into our apartment but I drew the line there, I almost physically attacked the bastard when he was supposed to be "moving in"), I hated her for choosing him over me and my brother every single time... I didn't understand why she did what she did and I probably never will, she died before I could even make sense of it all... I feel your pain though. My mom could have made better decisions, she could have divorced my father if she didn't want to stay with him while he was sick and dying... My mom wasn't an ugly woman, she was kind and beautiful and smart and caring... but none of it mattered, because she didn't see herself as those things, all she saw was her aging...

Always being second in your mom's priorities hurts a lot and it's not an easy thing to get over. I'm still trying to get over it, 5 years after my mom has died.

I hope your mom realizes that she is worth a lot more than some stupid boyfriend ... basically, from what it sounds like, a man-child... when she already has a child... even though you're 18 and legally an adult, you need your mom now just as much as you did when you were a helpless infant... It's a scary, confusing and lonely world most of the time and I'm sorry you're going through this. I know first-hand how much it sucks. Just know deep down your mom does love you, she has her own issues to deal with... Hopefully she will get through them and your relationship with your mom can begin to heal. Good luck to you.

 

Thank you. I really hope she will get through her issues too..i really miss her..but it hurts to be around her...