Ramblings (worries) of a new user

[Blueberry stick]

I guess you know your pretty sad when your posting anonymously on a drug forum

I really didn't know where best to post this so considering the subject matter and tone of the post I thought here would be best. Just thought I'd vent about my habit in the hope it would make me feel better.

I'm a typical run of the mill high functioning addict. I am also completely alone, I never speak with anyone, ever about this and as far as I know nobody knows. I am 20 something years old and I have been using since I was 10 years old. My father was a shit functioning drug user and that's how I started. He used heroine primarily as his drug of choice (which I have never wanted to try, perhaps I feel if I used it I would be on the same level as him...) combined with prescription pain meds and weed. Contin, codeine, valium, xanax, tramadol, temaze... I took these every week.

To skip over the details you can imagine the shitty childhood, foster care, homelessness, porn shops, OD's etc. Anyway for those skimmed over reasons I cut him completely out of my life. I became well educated and always saw myself being better than my roots so I decided to cut the supply and bury the beast.

Unfortunately I'm not better than my roots. I cant just cut these things out of my life but I cant access them any more either. I now rely on taking over the counter medications, ibuprofen and codeine mixtures everyday to function (I am taking approximately 15 tablets in 24 hrs). Lately I have been fantasizing about sleeping pills quite badly although I haven't taken any for a year. I carefully play out my performance in a doctors office and the likely shame and anger upon rejection. I cant ever imagine a life with out drugs yet I feel as though I carry a heavy burden that I have to hide from everyone. I constantly worry about my liver and that this shit I am putting into it is destroying it. What if my partner found out... What if I am still bouncing from pharmacy to pharmacy in 10 years time... what if I wanted children...Interestingly I never imagine my life with out drugs.

The other day my friend mentioned that he had contin tablets left over from a surgery and I desperately wanted to find and take them. I am fairly sure that this week I will go into the doctor sometime to try and get prescribed what ever I can. My gosh it would put a smile on my face the likes of which very rarely get seen.

This is my dark side, a place where I store all my fears and worries so I don't have to look at them now, I can tend to them latter. Hopefully one day I can do something different when I wake up, rather than just popin those pills.

 

[Use2Be]

Welcome to Bluelight. I am sorry to hear you are struggling with your drug use. I hope you feel better after venting.

I don't think it's sad to post anonymously on a "drug forum". You will find a lot of people here seeking a sympathetic ear or advice. I think it's a good thing there is a place for us to connect with others who understand what you are dealing with.

I'm a little confused when the thread title says you are a new user yet the body of your post says you have been using since you were 10 and are now in your 20's. Since you are using ibuprofen and codeine and are worried about your liver I hope you are doing a cold water extraction (CWE). If you do not know what that is I suggest you use the search function to find out.

I totally get the allure of opiates and other drugs. But since you are not that deep into illicit drug use, you might want to think about if you like them for recreational purposes or if you are self treating an undiagnosed condition. Maybe you should rethink your plan of seeing a doctor to obtain prescription drugs, if you don't really need them. Take the opportunity to discuss with the doctor the appropriate treatment for your anxiety or whatever your situation is.