BourbonMac
Bluelighter
I've been on this since the beginning of the year. It started off I'd say 5mg a night until February, then I was 7.5mg a night somewhere into March when some nights I'd take 10mg, then up to 12.5mg, and now I've been taking 15mg a night for a month or so.
I understand this dosage is quite low, and I'm not planning to cold turkey. But if I did, how bad do you any of you suppose the withdrawal would be? I have gabapentin on hand, which, basically does nothing at all. It's a sugar pill to me at this rate. It's part of a ritual just as much as taking valium is, my brain convinces me that it's helping do something. At the moment I'm just not taking this one, because I only take 600mg a day and this simply isn't really enough to cause a withdrawal. I've taken some breaks before without issue. Gabapentin is such a limiting drug because tolerance goes up so fast and bioavailability is so poor, so I'll likely stay on this one for a little while but really only use it on occasion.
Although I never wanted to touch a benzo in my life, this has been the toughest year of the 28 years I've been alive (nearly joined the 27 club before my birthday last Fall). I'm not going to get too into the specifics because it isn't entirely relevant. All that needs to be said is that it's been a horrible year for me, mainly due to chronic issues with my sinuses that put me through major surgery 2 weeks ago. I waited all year for it in agonizing pain all over my head and face while holding a full time retail job through a hellishly cold winter and poor heating in my house. There is a lot more to it than this, but I'll leave it there. Valium single handedly saved my life and I would not have gotten through these months without it, period. But I do have a history of mental health problems regardless, with the biggest demon being C-PTSD/general anxiety (I think depression is just the side effect of these and not its own condition, but I can't really say). A very large portion of my depression I believe comes from my life in general, family issues, isolation, shitty friends who show no sign of maturing or growing. I have severe trust issues which makes it difficult to branch out and try to connect with others beyond the same crowd I've known since school days.
Things have begun to look up. Summer has arrived, and I don't want this shackle on me any longer. I love valium, it is very relaxing, but the whole reason I even ended up on it is because my sinus issues made using cannabis impossible, even in edible form. Every time I would get high it would exacerbate my pain a lot. I think it may be related to how THC can dry out the sinuses, or change in pressure around the eyes. I can't really say for sure, because I started to puff a little a month ago weeks before my surgery and I was no longer having these issues.
THC is really an essential part of my life. Sure, sometimes it can GIVE me anxiety, and I often think when it does it's for a good reason. It means there is something in my subconscious that I've been trying to bury and it's being brought to the surface. Although in general it's more to do with when I use it. I don't like getting high during the day at all, it just makes me feel foggy. But as a night time ritual, it's almost always enjoyable unless I smoke too much.
My tolerance has stayed consistently quite low so it's happened a few times lately, but granted I stick to a lower amount, I'm golden. Whereas prior to all of these issues, I was smoking quite heavily, almost a gram a day (which is heavy for me). Massive bong rips covered in kief, and I felt like my ceiling for highness had gotten so much lower. It's like I was smoking myself sober sometimes, or I'd just feel really tired and spaced out, rather than full of creative, deep, insightful thinking and observations. I think my use of THC will change forever after this.
But anyway, I don't know what to expect with the valium. Maybe I could CT it, but I would rather not, because the fact is this has become a ritual for me. It wouldn't be easy to just have the rug pulled out from underneath me. I'd chew one up, shower, get out, crush 2 and put them under my tongue. Valium was a lifesafer for my stomach as well over the last few months because chronic stress did a number on me and gave me intense cramping. I'd take a valium and suddenly, I could eat, I could be comfortable. But since I started using cannabis again I've gained 10 pounds in a month. I went from a frail 118 pounds, 6"0 to 130. This is still very low, but still, I've always been around the 130s regardless of how much I eat because I have a very fast metabolism.
I've been on prednisone lately post surgery and I ended up using up more of the Valium than I'd have liked to. That means I actually do have to begin tapering as of now, because if I were to keep taking 3 a night I will have run out before I can get more filled. But the half life is so long that I'm sure I would be fine. I'm actually attempting to quit prozac at the same time, because I seem to be responding to amitriptaline better. Supposedly men don't do as well with SSRI/SNRIs as women. Just switching from cymbalta to prozac was torture, but from what I understand prozac is a lot easier to come off due to the long half life, and I can recall having CT'd it in the past that despite having brain zaps, they weren't constant, they would come in waves.
So by Monday, I will likely get one more 10 day supply (30 5mg tablets), try to stick with 10mg a night, and then after that, switch to 2mg tablets). Perhaps I should just switch to the 2mg tablets instead of having this sort of "last dance" with a regular dose. It is mostly a psychological addiction I feel I have with it, because it really doesn't do a whole lot for me at this point. Yes it's relaxing but at one point 5mg would literally make me nod out completely, K.O. I can be wide awake on 15mg and I've taken 20mg at least twice. But yeah, I mention psychological addiction because I've felt this way about so many things even beyond drugs. For instance, I am addicted to drinking chamomile tea before bed with a stack of graham crackers and banana bread. I literally have to have this, one night when I realized I was out of graham crackers I was PISSED! I also feel this very strong psychological desire, like a need, to do DMT right now, because my brain has convinced me that a strong psychedelic experience, or several, will help me find new footing.
This is getting sort of all over the place, so I'll stop here. It really seems that I'm afraid of losing this ritual that I have associated with peace of mind and relaxing. I simply would not have made it through this hellish, nightmarish year without valium. It's still continuing to be difficult. There is looming uncertainty over various personal matters for me at the moment, including figuring out what the hell to do with my life besides work in retail when I have so many talents.
Mental illness sure is a bitch. But I'm trying to find a decent therapist in the meantime. I've just had issues with insurance or distance, but I think I've found a potential good candidate. I saw one back in college, he was a counselor but also a licensed therapist, and he was perfect. Anyone I tried to see after that ended up in me having to say, hey, this isn't working, sorry but I'm out.
I understand this dosage is quite low, and I'm not planning to cold turkey. But if I did, how bad do you any of you suppose the withdrawal would be? I have gabapentin on hand, which, basically does nothing at all. It's a sugar pill to me at this rate. It's part of a ritual just as much as taking valium is, my brain convinces me that it's helping do something. At the moment I'm just not taking this one, because I only take 600mg a day and this simply isn't really enough to cause a withdrawal. I've taken some breaks before without issue. Gabapentin is such a limiting drug because tolerance goes up so fast and bioavailability is so poor, so I'll likely stay on this one for a little while but really only use it on occasion.
Although I never wanted to touch a benzo in my life, this has been the toughest year of the 28 years I've been alive (nearly joined the 27 club before my birthday last Fall). I'm not going to get too into the specifics because it isn't entirely relevant. All that needs to be said is that it's been a horrible year for me, mainly due to chronic issues with my sinuses that put me through major surgery 2 weeks ago. I waited all year for it in agonizing pain all over my head and face while holding a full time retail job through a hellishly cold winter and poor heating in my house. There is a lot more to it than this, but I'll leave it there. Valium single handedly saved my life and I would not have gotten through these months without it, period. But I do have a history of mental health problems regardless, with the biggest demon being C-PTSD/general anxiety (I think depression is just the side effect of these and not its own condition, but I can't really say). A very large portion of my depression I believe comes from my life in general, family issues, isolation, shitty friends who show no sign of maturing or growing. I have severe trust issues which makes it difficult to branch out and try to connect with others beyond the same crowd I've known since school days.
Things have begun to look up. Summer has arrived, and I don't want this shackle on me any longer. I love valium, it is very relaxing, but the whole reason I even ended up on it is because my sinus issues made using cannabis impossible, even in edible form. Every time I would get high it would exacerbate my pain a lot. I think it may be related to how THC can dry out the sinuses, or change in pressure around the eyes. I can't really say for sure, because I started to puff a little a month ago weeks before my surgery and I was no longer having these issues.
THC is really an essential part of my life. Sure, sometimes it can GIVE me anxiety, and I often think when it does it's for a good reason. It means there is something in my subconscious that I've been trying to bury and it's being brought to the surface. Although in general it's more to do with when I use it. I don't like getting high during the day at all, it just makes me feel foggy. But as a night time ritual, it's almost always enjoyable unless I smoke too much.
My tolerance has stayed consistently quite low so it's happened a few times lately, but granted I stick to a lower amount, I'm golden. Whereas prior to all of these issues, I was smoking quite heavily, almost a gram a day (which is heavy for me). Massive bong rips covered in kief, and I felt like my ceiling for highness had gotten so much lower. It's like I was smoking myself sober sometimes, or I'd just feel really tired and spaced out, rather than full of creative, deep, insightful thinking and observations. I think my use of THC will change forever after this.
But anyway, I don't know what to expect with the valium. Maybe I could CT it, but I would rather not, because the fact is this has become a ritual for me. It wouldn't be easy to just have the rug pulled out from underneath me. I'd chew one up, shower, get out, crush 2 and put them under my tongue. Valium was a lifesafer for my stomach as well over the last few months because chronic stress did a number on me and gave me intense cramping. I'd take a valium and suddenly, I could eat, I could be comfortable. But since I started using cannabis again I've gained 10 pounds in a month. I went from a frail 118 pounds, 6"0 to 130. This is still very low, but still, I've always been around the 130s regardless of how much I eat because I have a very fast metabolism.
I've been on prednisone lately post surgery and I ended up using up more of the Valium than I'd have liked to. That means I actually do have to begin tapering as of now, because if I were to keep taking 3 a night I will have run out before I can get more filled. But the half life is so long that I'm sure I would be fine. I'm actually attempting to quit prozac at the same time, because I seem to be responding to amitriptaline better. Supposedly men don't do as well with SSRI/SNRIs as women. Just switching from cymbalta to prozac was torture, but from what I understand prozac is a lot easier to come off due to the long half life, and I can recall having CT'd it in the past that despite having brain zaps, they weren't constant, they would come in waves.
So by Monday, I will likely get one more 10 day supply (30 5mg tablets), try to stick with 10mg a night, and then after that, switch to 2mg tablets). Perhaps I should just switch to the 2mg tablets instead of having this sort of "last dance" with a regular dose. It is mostly a psychological addiction I feel I have with it, because it really doesn't do a whole lot for me at this point. Yes it's relaxing but at one point 5mg would literally make me nod out completely, K.O. I can be wide awake on 15mg and I've taken 20mg at least twice. But yeah, I mention psychological addiction because I've felt this way about so many things even beyond drugs. For instance, I am addicted to drinking chamomile tea before bed with a stack of graham crackers and banana bread. I literally have to have this, one night when I realized I was out of graham crackers I was PISSED! I also feel this very strong psychological desire, like a need, to do DMT right now, because my brain has convinced me that a strong psychedelic experience, or several, will help me find new footing.
This is getting sort of all over the place, so I'll stop here. It really seems that I'm afraid of losing this ritual that I have associated with peace of mind and relaxing. I simply would not have made it through this hellish, nightmarish year without valium. It's still continuing to be difficult. There is looming uncertainty over various personal matters for me at the moment, including figuring out what the hell to do with my life besides work in retail when I have so many talents.
Mental illness sure is a bitch. But I'm trying to find a decent therapist in the meantime. I've just had issues with insurance or distance, but I think I've found a potential good candidate. I saw one back in college, he was a counselor but also a licensed therapist, and he was perfect. Anyone I tried to see after that ended up in me having to say, hey, this isn't working, sorry but I'm out.
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