Quitting dope: waking up in a panic

[Ridethecircuswheel]

Hello bluelight,

I've made many similar threads like this unfortunately because I'm "quitting" every month now and it's never a success.

I've been on heroin for 2 years. Had a few binges of being clean. Went to rehab, jumped on the suboxone train, got off, back on heroin. I feel like when i look to the past withdrawal used to be a lot easier.. I REALLY hated the physical symptoms. It seems to me when you're suffering from physical symptoms you don't have time to worry about the mental symptoms. Well, I discovered loperamide, and now it seems as if I have this secret way to stop using heroin without feeling the extreme discomfort cold turkey brings along with it.

As of today I am in the worst mental health state I've ever been in. I've never been this unhappy, I've never been this hopeless, I spend a lot of my day wanting to commit suicide even though I won't do it because I can't imagine leaving my family behind to deal with that.

I feel like I could GET CLEAN and be sober and take loperamide and do a rapid taper. Every time I get high I get all confident and realize how stupid it is to use and how I'm going to start tommorow to get clean. BUT..... then along comes the WORST part of every day. It's simply waking up in the morning. It never used to be like this and I'm starting to seriously worry but as soon as I wake up every day it's like all this reality just comes rushing into my consciousness and my chest feels really tight and I feel like i can't breath and just the thought of being awake SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME. This is also usually accompanied by whatever dream/nightmare I was having sort of lingering in my head while my head continues to feel very foggy, my mouth is dry, I have a bit of a headache and I look like absolute shit.

I never used to get anxiety/depression like this. I mean I'm a very depressed person but it seems to me like the first 25 minutes of being awake is the biggest trigger to go out and use with money I don't have. My heart beats really fast in the morning, oh yeah, and i forgot to mention I LIVE ALL ALONE in this apartment here and that is absolutely the worst to be isolated like I am. I've gone and stayed with family and friends and I do not get this panic/anxiety in the morning it's something about being alone living where I'm living now.

So... what I'm asking. Does anybody else get this morning anxiety? It eventually passes... but it's powerful enough for me to go find money and go out and use without thinking of the consequences. Does anybody have anything they do to get rid of these urges when they wake up ? One thing I like to do is go make a fresh pot of coffee.. There's nothing like drinking coffee and sitting at the computer in the morning. To me it's one of the great pleasures of life.

Another thing is. when people ask for help and tips with opiate withdrawal it's usually the same answers. (OTC medicine, exercise, blahblah) does anybody have a special sort of weird thing they do that helps them get through it?

This is becoming a nightmare. I really need help.

 

[herbavore]

Sounds excruciating and exhausting as well.

I think the panic is your true self wanting out of the cycle. Right now, the panic makes you want out and you only know one way out: using. But it keeps returning stronger and stronger because using is a temporary respite and your depression and anxiety are not quick fixes. Not only that but that strategy is making you feel worse and worse about yourself and so the cycle not only continues but deepens.

Withdrawing is hard--no doubt about it. But look how you are living now and compare WDs and even PAWs and ask yourself if going through something difficult but temporary is harder than going through what you are now every single day of your life? Addiction will always answer that question with a lie.

Nightmares and morning panic are trying to tell you something about yourself, about your life. You are strong enough to face whatever it is you need to change because that strong voice is coming from you. Call it your deepest self or your truest self but do listen. Underneath the panic is a strong voice urging you to save yourself from the misery that your current thinking is holding you to. When you break it down, it is held in place by negative thinking and destructive habits--both are hard to change but the freedom when you do is unbelievable.

There are lots of people here that have been in this struggle many times and there is so much collective wisdom that comes from that. Struggling with depression is monumental on its own even without addiction issues. The two intertwined can feel so overwhelming. It is really admirable that you have kept fighting.

As far as your housing goes, is there any way that you could have a roommate or live with family for a while?

much love and best wishes.

 

[thedawn]

i can only tell you that it gets worse.
even at whatever level cuz u can always sink lower until u just die w a pipe in your hand
on a street corner or shooting up in Mickey D's bathrooms/

there is nothing to gain from ABUSE.

of anything.

I'm 40 years old and spent half in a state of paranoia.

i was in fucking hell every day.
i don't know any secret way to get off the shit apart from staying here posting,a lot, as much as u want,
it's free,it's ok,you can say and tell us whatever.
and lots of water.

much love.

 

[mareseatoats]

Being in the dope habit sucks-waking up sick with feelings of doom every morning also sucks very badly.

You said you went on suboxone for a little bit, then went off of it & back onto dope..If suboxone would be the only thing to keep you from running and looking for drugs, could you give it a try again? I know It is not good to be on for long periods of time, but it would give you a chance to get yourself back together-and make waking up in the morning a less dreadful experience; along with your whole life in general.

 

[neversickanymore]

There is a natural calming effect created when we take deep breaths and hold them in for just a few seconds and repeat. This may be something you could try tomorrow.

Then centering your thoughts firmly in the moment and the day can be really beneficial. If we slip into tomorrow we can get hit with really strong fear, anxiety, hopelessness, self doubt.. if we fall into yesterday we can get slammed with anger, resentment, guilt, shame, remorse.. so today is were we need to remain early in recovery.

It is also beneficial to break all tasks down into easily done taks.. then we can just keep knocking off the little tasks and giving ourselves the credit for each one we get done no matter how small.. and as long as we keep knocking of the little stuff they will add up to all the big stuff so if we can stay in the moment and break everything down in little things we will get where we want to go and be relatively comfortable doing it.

Also mindfulness is one good technique you can use to aid in staying in the moment. there is a great thread on it but I cant find it at the moment.. I will continue trying to locate it and post it if someone else doesn't track it down first.

If you have not already you may want to familiarize yourself with PAWS and come up with and implement a recovery plan that promotes peace to make your journey allot easier.

PAWS LINKS
Why We Don’t Get Better Immediately: Post-acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS)
Post Acute Withdrawal (PAW) Excerpted From “Staying Sober” By: Terence T. Gorski
Post-acute-withdrawal syndrome Wiki
http://www.clairedorotik.com/NLWC-EXERCISE_AND_MOOD.htm

ADD take http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/threads/673580-Hey-I-thought-the-grey-matter-of-ADD-could-chew-on-this
Managing depressive thinking

it is a powerful thing to keep our thoughts possitive and here are some threads many of us use to help us do this.
Good things about being off drugs/getting sober
Share something POSITIVE from your day!
Today I Am Thankful For... Ver. 3: Earth, Wind and Fire!


Your doing great and with a little planning and implementation, working on changing the way you think and promoting good emotion while avoiding bad, with a little time and practice you will will be smiling

 

[herbavore]

Here is the mindfulness thread. I hope it helps.

 

[Ionized]

I suffer from major depression and I second your experience when waking up. This is by far the hardest part of the day when depression is at its highest. I try not to stay in bed for too long after i wake up because all the doom and negativity starts getting worse. I just get up make breakfast and read the funny comics in the computer (even though I don't laugh) and also read the technology and sports news. Just trying to stop my mind from getting further deep into the negative zone. It doesn't make things much better but at least it prevents them from getting worse. For a depressed person that's a LOT.

 

[dwamn]

my son started getting night terrors when he started wds from opiates so for 2 weeks a month he wake up in panic don't usually remember the dreams but the ones he does he's too traumatized to talk about them even to me and he tells me everything things he wouldn't even think of telling other people do you remember your dreams you might be having night terrors or it's just anxiety plain and simple caused from the cessation of the opiates