Phil.McKeer
Bluelighter
Three months ago I detoxed myself off of H for the last time (hopefully). Don't get me wrong, I've smoked H a few times since then, but they were one-offs where I just got a small amount to go through that night and never took any home to use later, nor desired to. To kick, the next days I felt just fine (not an inkling of a runny nose, RLS, etc.)
The problem is, in my mind I had this grandoise idea that once I'd get to this stage, I'd start on a whirlwind tour of fixing everything in my life and just basically owning everything my H use was obscuring the fact that I was not in ownership of.
That hasn't happened. I still want to go to sleep late and wake up late in the afternoons. I still haven't started putting more time into my small business (there is no limit as to how much money I can make, it all depends on how much work I put in).
Don't get me wrong, I feel great having summoned and then unsummoned a particularly nasty demon, but the great expectations I had in mind for what comes after have not materialized.
I know what I'm capable of. I've always been in the top 98% percentile of everything I've ever done, and here I am, just a hopelessly single, nearly friendless semi-self-employed "entrepreneur" who sleeps in until at least 11am (after waking up at 8:30) and can't bring himself to perform a single progressive act all day.
It has to be all mental. Do I secrently WANT to fail, to be a loser? Why would I go through the agony of quitting a pack a day cigarette habit cold turkey in 2010 if that were the case? Why would I kick a two year, 1-2g/day H habit three months ago to just remain a loser?
I was put on this Earth to accomplish something beneficial for humanity and I'd really like to find what that is, because the only other solution is to blow the concept away out of my brain with a bullet.
(Don't take that as a cry for help - I'd never commit suicide...it's just how worthless I feel). I though I'd be jumping out of bed at 7am knocking down list of to-do items all day like a champ.
Instead I leave my responsibilities to the very last possible moment and waste all the rest of my time.
The problem is, in my mind I had this grandoise idea that once I'd get to this stage, I'd start on a whirlwind tour of fixing everything in my life and just basically owning everything my H use was obscuring the fact that I was not in ownership of.
That hasn't happened. I still want to go to sleep late and wake up late in the afternoons. I still haven't started putting more time into my small business (there is no limit as to how much money I can make, it all depends on how much work I put in).
Don't get me wrong, I feel great having summoned and then unsummoned a particularly nasty demon, but the great expectations I had in mind for what comes after have not materialized.
I know what I'm capable of. I've always been in the top 98% percentile of everything I've ever done, and here I am, just a hopelessly single, nearly friendless semi-self-employed "entrepreneur" who sleeps in until at least 11am (after waking up at 8:30) and can't bring himself to perform a single progressive act all day.
It has to be all mental. Do I secrently WANT to fail, to be a loser? Why would I go through the agony of quitting a pack a day cigarette habit cold turkey in 2010 if that were the case? Why would I kick a two year, 1-2g/day H habit three months ago to just remain a loser?
I was put on this Earth to accomplish something beneficial for humanity and I'd really like to find what that is, because the only other solution is to blow the concept away out of my brain with a bullet.
(Don't take that as a cry for help - I'd never commit suicide...it's just how worthless I feel). I though I'd be jumping out of bed at 7am knocking down list of to-do items all day like a champ.
Instead I leave my responsibilities to the very last possible moment and waste all the rest of my time.
