Questioning my existence

[John Hancock]

I'm gonna try to keep this as short as possible but it's a very long story. Halloween 2015 me and 2 of my closest friends from high school are in college with 2 new friends we made in college on our way to pick up some acid which I was probably the most excited for. My high school friends and I had only done 25-I before and of course smoked a lot of weed, while one of the college friends had recently just started smoking and could barely even handle that. The other new friend on the other hand was very experienced with psychedelics.
For the first few hours of the trip I just feel happy no visuals or anything just pure happiness while we walk around and nature and while this is happening one of the new friends who is new to drugs keeps talking about death and kinda annoying everyone. We eventually end up walking to the apartment of a friend of my friends who I don't really know to smoke which is when it all goes down hill. At this point I don't even feel like I'm controlling myself I was telling them I was on auto pilot. We buy weed and my experienced friend rolls the blunt quicker than anyone I had ever seen in 18 years of living and it was perfect.
We start smoking and mid session another person I don't know comes in and I just felt a bad energy from him and the whole time I'm just quiet. We had been talking a lot all day but for the first time I was silent. The annoying friend was still tripping about death going crazy and what happens next was sort of a blur to me because I don't know the amount of time that had passed could've been 5 minutes could've been 5 hours I can't tell you because while this experience is happening I appear normal to my friends because I physically don't react. After smoking I start to see visuals and I can't even find a word to describe it but it looks like the with that music video by young thug as far as everything looking distorted. Then I just remember feeling like me and my friends had switched bodies and after that was over I just remember seeing myself at my funeral and I forget I'm on acid and really think I'm dead. Mind you my friend had been talking about death all day which I think is what put those thoughts in my head to cause that bad part of the trip. After the trip ends I'm in a state of shock I felt like I had just came into the world for the first time my freinds recorded of a video of me saying I just realized over and over which I don't even remember but they showed me so I guess it happened.
After the trip I swore I'd never touch acid or anything like it again but whenever I smoked I felt like I was on acid again and I relived the bad trip and even had the same visual distortions. I figure it will go away and keep smoking and then one night a month later I had a weird deja video sensation "which I now get everyday" and think nothing of it and keep smoking.The whole part of questioning life doesn't come until one night I'm stoned with my friend and he says what if when you're dying and your life flashes before your eyes it's you reliving your whole life literally. And ever since then I questioned everything which led to me driving myself crazy. I took what he said and figured what if I keep getting this deja vu cause I'm actually dead and this already happened. Before acid I would've never thought that deep into something stupid like that but the reality of it is I've convinced myself that I'm dead and even this post I'm typing right now I've already typed. All of this had left me very depressed and anti social because I'm to scared of death to enjoy life. I can't go 5 minutes without a negative thought popping into my head and I question everything. Nothing feels real to me anymore. People I've known my whole life And love I can't even look at the same anymore and enjoy their company because my life just feels like a huge joke because everything that happens to me feels like it already happened before. I feel like I'm just reliving my life until the point where I will relive my death again and i had intense dreams about myself that feel like memories and I'm not completely sure they're not memeories. I got a list of the things I think happened to me because of dreams/possible memories.
1. My friends brother kills me
2. I died during the acid trip and none of this is real
3. I never existed to begin with and nothing was ever real.
All of this could be completely false and I'm just crazy my thoughts are really all over the place and I need help. If you read this all the way through thank you and I know this may sound crazy cause I don't even believe it but ive convinced myself I'm dead/dying/ gonna die or never lived to begin with and it's eating me alive every day.

 

[JackARoe]

Hey there John Hancock, I felt inspired to respond. I had some sort of peak experience last night withouth taking a psychedelic and the theme was Love. My head spun in quite a different way than your head is spinning. My post will not be about meds or derealization or anything like that. I'll leave that to other qualified posters. But I will throw a few things out.

Listen man, I am inspired to post because you are alive and important. This board exists because we Love to reach into our wellspring of experience and help others. I don't post too much either. But I wake up this morning after a peak experience last night (my issues) and see your post and felt like reaching out to someone who is alive and in physical form who I know will come through this experience with knowledge and understanding.

First off time to be captain of your own ship. Reject any thoughts that are fucking with you. Just say fuck that. Take control. Put your faith in something bigger than the thoughts that "you don't exist". Put your faith in bigger things. Put it in Nature since Nature created you. Rest easy. Make peace with the fact you exist in physical form and are here. I believe for a reason but others may not but that is on them. You type very clear and are articulate so I know you can push through this.

Put on some music you Love. And think about Love. Just about everything in my life is here because I Love it. From my wife, dog, cactus garden, friends, etc. There is Love there. It is the glue that holds us all together. Families and friends. Even hate is Love because it is the intentional holding back of Love. You can't hate without having Loved.

I had read an NDE experience that still blows me away. This one:

http://www.nderf.org/Experiences/1william_h_nde_7340.html

I love the fact whenever we look back in time we have two things. A memory or an understanding. So when you look back at your experience I see you are trying to understand. You would not have posted if you were not looking to understand your experience. And I believe, I know you can push through this and come out the other side and maybe even help someone else down the road. You may reach out and and help others. And we do it because we Love. As wishy washy as it sounds, I am typing because I Love.

My suggestion is take control of those thoughts. Do not let them take you over. You are the captain of those thoughts. Notice how they are about life and death and afterlife in some capacity. This is good stuff John Hancock. You are learning and gaining knowledge through trying to understand your experience. Then if you have a pet give it some love. Listen to some music you Love and let it lift your spirits. You are here in what I believe is a chosen journey so you can do this. And you are Loved.

Ok, that is my rant. I will let the other posters with medical or other advice come in and present a different angle . But I don't believe you need anything medical unless you can't push through this. But you type so articulately and seeking understanding that IMO this is not a medical thing but a sort of spiritual crisis that you need to make peace with. In other words this is good stuff John Hancock. Most people walk around dead and only have memories and never try to understand anything. They stay stuck. Your post makes me know you are alive and picking and probing reality. With great Love back at you. So come back and let us know when you process this and made peace with your existence.

 

[mindseye888]

I will keep it short. Been there and my thoughts are...
I'm agnostic, I just float around, I try my best, I like to chat and make people feel happy. Your alive. Just try and avoid angry people...they suck.

 

[Wiserthanearlier]

Sounds like depersonalisation. Try a bit of a break, with exercise, sunshine and good food.
Appproach drugs, even weed slowly after a break and see how you go. Not an uncommon occurence but very unpleasant

 

[donvliet]

We eventually end up walking to the apartment of a friend of my friends who I don't really know to smoke which is when it all goes down hill.

Yet another example of a bad reaction to smoking weed on psychedelics...

 

[Xorkoth]

When it comes to this particular question, I have long since come to the conclusion that whatever the reality, whether subjective existence is an illusion or not, whether or not this is all a dream.... it really doesn't matter. Either way this is our experience right now, either way we go to sleep and wake up every morning like this. So functionally it's the same either way. And since the experience is happening, that makes it real in some way or another.

 

[Iron Lungs]

I think this is a very well put together thread, I dont post much but I read a lot and I feel compelled to post!

Some of your friends sounds a bit crap OP, talking about death while everyone is tripping WTF is wrong with that guy?

Try and cut back on the smoke mate its not doing you any favours right now, easier said than done I know but if I were you I would lay off it for a while until you feel good again

 

[JackARoe]

Yet another example of a bad reaction to smoking weed on psychedelics...

I always smoke weed on psychedelics and I KNOW I exist. :D (probably the only thing I am 100% certain of lol)

But yeah, could go either way for people with weed and psychedelics.

 

[Kittycat5]

When it comes to this particular question, I have long since come to the conclusion that whatever the reality, whether subjective existence is an illusion or not, whether or not this is all a dream.... it really doesn't matter. Either way this is my our experience right now, either way we go to sleep and wake up every morning like this. So functionally it's the same either way. And since the experience is happening, that makes it real in some way or another.

Exactamundo. If this is life or death, we live in a real 3D universe or some sort of holographic projection of higher dimensionality, or some sort of computer simulation etc etc is moot because our perception is the same. Now, John Hancock, if your thoughts are persistent and bothersome, you must find help, whatever that may be. But we all still here my man. Regardless of what here is.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Stop using all drugs for a long period of time, and talk to a counselor or therapist. Good luck.

Smoking herb while tripping is a great combination, like dark chocolate and chilies, but some people cannot handle it.

 

[JackARoe]

Does the OP still exist? Cmon back OP and let us know you feel better. Hopefully you are.

 

[joshvt209]

Man, once the existential crisis begins it doesn't really stop! Unfortunately LSD was the one thing that really grounded me to the reality I live in now. I still remember coming down from some extremely cut MDMA (like 50% crystal) after a three day binge (worst comedown ever, lasted almost a week) and that was the first time I ever started questioning my purpose here on earth. My father is a devout Christian and my grandfather was a pastor (born in 1909) so things get pretty intense when it comes to morality.. I used to be christian but after exploring my mind, beginning to question myself and everything I was taught.. I decided I'd rather hang out with the gay kids and do whatever the fuck makes me happy, regardless! The depression got better after a couple weeks but when I dropped acid the first time I feel like it opened my eyes to the true reason we are all here. To love I wouldn't exactly be as evangelical about stopping drug use as others on the thread but I know weed fucks with my mind but I am still a daily stoner.I'd say stick to what makes you happy and next time you drop do it by yourself or with one very trusted friend if you would prefer a trip sitter. Give yourself some breathing time and talk to somebody you look up to about life. Ask them what it means to them. I am positive you are not dead but shit we might be living in a matrix. Who knows? Just enjoy yourself because it's all that matters at the end of this life.