Purpose

I've been floating along with no sense of purpose of late. What's life if you aren't actually in service to others?

I remember calling the Salvation Army a month ago and leaving a few voice mails telling them that I would like to volunteer long term as opposed to merely offering help for the holiday season. They never called back. This kinda makes me not want to get involved with organizations like theirs.

I just feel fuckin' empty.

Recently, I've been trying to grab any purpose I can. I thought that I could be the 'protector' of people. This isn't good because it typically disrupts my sense of peace and involves me stickin' my nose in things that are really none of my business.

I'd like to go across the street and have a few drinks but I can't do that because I only have this borrowed credit card and no cash. I could drink on the card but wouldn't have any loot to go to the city to score.

Why do I feel like I'm falling? Is it the lack of purpose?

I need a fuckin' job. I need routine. I need to feel productive. Instead I sit here stagnating. No apparent growth and faced with the inability to really do anything worth while.

I'm told I need to be patient. I have been. Enough already with the fuckin' patience! I'm following all these suggestions and to tell the truth I many of the NA sayings piss me off.

I say I feel like using. They say 'just don't use'.

Thanks for the AWESOME advice, man, really. 'Just don't use'. Fuck you! I'm clean because I want to be something. I want to be someone.

I guess the results aren't showing quickly enough for whatever reason. I HAD hope before, now I'm starting to lose it rather quickly.

If I use my life will turn to shit. Right now, I'm in a type of purgatory surrounded by a feeling of nothingness.

What did I get myself into? I can't get high and now I'm being prevented from finding a true purpose.

I'm angry and am having thoughts of violence more often than before. Believe it or not, I want this violence to manifest itself in an NA meeting.

I'm not permitted a moment of escape through drugs. I know where this will take me. Why aren't I allowed escape through something positive such as service to others?

I just don't fuckin' get it.

 

hey OD - i often feel the same

believe it or not u can b of service to others, thru BL!
i know it may seem like a small thing but sometimes we do need to take small steps during recovery (esp if ur aiming for abstinence)

just giving advice and support in forums like TDS is being of service to someone isnt it? and i know wen u reply to my blog it makes me feel gd cos i feel like someones interested in wat i hav to say (cos im a person of v low self-esteem and i know i hav ADHD and get told constantly that i talk too much.....often i feel like ive made too long a blog entry/post in a forum and wen ppl dont reply i think that its cos they think im just a stupid motormouth....u seem to bother to read my blog entries and that means a lot to me)

its a small start but its something eh?

if NA pisses u off, u dont hav to go all the time eh....dont feel bad if u miss a meeting or 2 cos u feel a bit like the things they say r getting on ur wick
thats how i felt wen i went to NA - like i was committed and i had to go cos otherwise ppl wud think i 'wasnt taking my recovery seriously'
personally i think thats between u and ur higher power (if u hav one - im guessing u do if ur at NA)....not the gossips that tend to fill the NA rooms
thats in the end partly why i left
neither do u hav to listen to wat they say - its up to u how u work this journey

evryone gets pissed off and fed up with themselves sometimes but esp wen theyre coming off drugs
try and give urself a break and look at the small things (IMO) u are doing (even just making one person feel good each day is enough at this stage)
keep looking for a job if u feel ur ready tho at NA over here they always say u shud wait till ur 18 months clean before getting a job (but then we hav a better social services system - u can apply for the sickness benefit for 18 months for recovery from drug/alcohol problems)

ur purpose right now IMO is to work on staying clean - if ur aiming for abstinence then ur allowed to b a little bit selfish (again IMO)....tho i see u as anything but!

 

As always, you have wise words, DW. My primary purpose is to stay clean and build a strong foundation of 'self'. After I achieve that through the necessary work I need to do on myself then I can focus on other things.

Most folks in NA (in my area) are pretty hardcore, brutally honest, compassionate and selfless. Its funny how I look at the selfish, hypocritical minority and formulate my opinions based on them.

It does get better and I realize this. I guess I focus too much on when I think things should happen and not on when life decides something appropriate should occur

 

Some things about NA piss me off too, and I doubt I'll ever start doing the steps or looking for a sponsor. But I do find it helpful to be around other people who have been through similar shit, hearing their stories, and being able to share my own. As my drug counsellor suggested to me about NA, "take whatever you find useful, and just leave whatever you don't."