PTSD and Anxiety from Mushroom trip

[Groundsound]

Hello bluelight, I am new and have come seeking some advice and help.

I am 18 years old, and before I get into the trip, let me tell you a little about what drugs I have done so that you can get a better understanding of who I am. I have always had a rule for myself that I would stick strictly to what the earth can provide for me, I have done salvia a few times, cannabis for four years, mushrooms three times, and (breaking my own rule) 25i-Nbome about 6 or 7 times. I have been offered mdma, all sorts of pills, and always denied these. I always liked the idea of expanding my mind and not contracting it. I am an artist and have big dreams for the future, but my anxiety is holding me back.

Okay, so to the trip. I had already been experiencing HPPD prior to this trip due to the 25i use, at one point the dissociation was so bad I didn't know where I was. Me and one of my girl friends decided to take some mushrooms she had that day. We were at the house she was living at, which was another one of my friends houses because she got kicked out of her house due to her abusive mother. Only the other friends mom was at the house, and she did not know we were going to be tripping, although she lets us use cannabis frequently there.

I had a feeling (my intuition) that I shouldn't take these. I deemed the feeling just to be pre trip anxiety and that I would regret it if I didn't take them. She brought out the bag of some crazy looking golden capped mushrooms with blue veins. We didn't have a scale so I just sort of ate a couple... And a couple more... And then one last big one. I almost immediately felt something, like life was a little quirky. After thirty minutes I went out in the back to lay on the hammock. I was looking at the trees and saw how high they were, reaching so far into the sky. I had such appreciation for dirt and trees, cracking jokes about how people treat dirt like dirt when it's life. I looked at the trees and saw the inter connectivity between the branches, veins, and river systems. I was seeing the language of nature, fibonacci, in everything from hurricanes to toilet drains to the curl of a fist to our galaxy. I felt like a monkey, realizing how ridiculous it is that we drive cars around and watch tv's and buy our food in packages, life made so much more sense the hunter-gatherer way.

After awhile of laughing in complete bliss the friend who wasn't home's mom came outside to smoke a cigarette. I do not smoke cigarettes, and being a vegetarian and absolute health fanatic I resent that kind of negative energy. The mom started cussing and talking all of this crap about her coworkers, and with each cuss word and negative phrase was a narrow of bad energy being shot directly at me. It was now sunset, and I suddenly realized the day was ending, yet I have not even peaked yet and I was tripping really hard. My mind started to race and panic, stomach hurt, and I started to kind of freak out in my own mind although I kept quiet about my negative feelings. We went inside and I sat on the couch, I was having a horrible time, so I closed my eyes and got under some covers to wait it off. My girl friend didn't like being mentally left alone as I retreated to whatever comfort I could find. The mom got a cut on her foot and already had a broken ankle, and I freaked when I heard the word blood. I just couldn't bare to go help. My friend kept making me go get her water and it kind of pissed me off because I could tell she was just trying to get me to get up, when my safety was under the covers. She started to freak out and think that I called the ambulance on her and she told me she was dying. She ran up to the mom and yelled at her for her phone to call someone, it was chaos going on and I couldn't bare it, although I seemed fine because I calmly would explain to the mom the situation and why my friend was freaking out. After i "went to bed" I came down and emerged extremely happy, jumping for joy at the fact that I was still alive. Laughing incredibly, yes!! I have been reborn!

And now two months later I have extremely bad anxiety. Even as I sit in class typing this I have anxiety. I am always questioning my reality. The worst part is that I cannot make connections this people, finding the words to say to people or connecting with them is hard. I find social situations give me a lot of anxiety and I avoid them, which is hurtful to me because I want more friends and I want to be able to establish a relationship with a girl but I can't talk to people, I'm always in my own mind. I'm always anxious and just can't talk to people, and I now am that quiet guy. also, I used to smoke so much cannabis and be mellow and fine, now I take two or one small tokes of it and I get extremely anxious and feel like I'm tripping.

Will these feelings go away eventually? I want to be an outgoing person full of life and energy, but the dissociation, anxiety, and inability to connect with others is hindering my ability to enjoy life.

My my best bet I think would be to stop the cannabis and go running every other day, and continue my healthy diet.

What are your thoughts? What should I do? Thanks for reading

 

[alf meneas]

This sounds like it was a traumatic experience for you, and only two months ago is pretty fresh for that sort of thing. Do you find yourself revisiting and dwelling on that night a lot? If so then taking this step to write it out may help somewhat. I still have memories of my single most terrible drug-related experience but the panic that it brought me for a long time is not so immediate any more. It also sounds like maybe you had some degree of anxiety beforehand, you say you had HPPD but high levels of anxiety can produce the same sort of derealisation etc., as can lack of sleep (I speak from experience on both counts!).

I can't make any promises to you, but there's no reason why you shouldn't come through this. Like you have identified, stop smoking weed if it's making you feel wrong, live healthy (exercise, food, avoid drugs...) and things will get easier even if you don't magically become Mr Happy Sociable heheheh.

Ultimately it may be that you are left dealing with some sort of anxiety disorder that needs some outside help, like talking therapies (e.g. CBT) or medication, but for now I would just look after yourself really well for a spell and do some healing. You may find that come the summer things are looking brighter again.

Strength to ya.

 

[Foreigner]

It sounds like you are a sensitive person who did mushrooms around the wrong people. Some people can't handle being in social situations at all while on psychedelics, while others can do it as long as they get to cherry pick their companions and make sure that nothing offensive will happen. Being exposed to people's negative attitudes while tripping can more intensely impact a person than it otherwise would. The reason is that your usual internal defenses and coping strategies may not be easy to deploy while your mind is wide open.

From your description, your initial come-up was going really well until your friend's mom came home and started talking shit. So we know from this evidence that it's possible for you to have a good psychedelic experience and that it wasn't the mushrooms themselves that caused you trauma.

My take on this, which not everyone will agree with, is that because mushrooms enhance novelty in the brain, it allows for new "imprinting" to happen. When your brain is in a more neuroplastic state and gets fed negativity, that will become the new form. For this reason, sometimes the solution to a bad trip is to trip once more, with a lighter dose, but set it up to ensure a lot of positive input and so that negative stimuli are kept away (i.e. bitchy people). Just something to consider. Have you done mushrooms before this one time? Was it bad then too? Anyway, if you're not ready to try again or you're scared then don't do it.

Questioning your reality is not a bad thing, but you may be doing it with a negative tint because of your experience which is why the process is causing you anxiety. Perhaps your negative encounters with people while high have made you a tad afraid of people. I recommend, if you can, to try interacting with people even if it makes you a bit uncomfortable, and use the cognitive behavioral approach to discern harm vs. safety. This means being evidence based. If you perceive that someone is going to harm you, then look for the evidence of that. If you can't find evidence, then chances are you're being paranoid. Likewise, gather evidence of good social experiences to remind yourself, concretely, that it's possible to get along with human beings.

If you're having trouble relaxing then you can consider certain anxiolytics, or herbal remedies. Herbs like schisandra and rhodiola are great for day to day anxiety.

 

[Mitchi]

I felt like a monkey, realizing how ridiculous it is that we drive cars around and watch tv's and buy our food in packages, life made so much more sense the hunter-gatherer way.

And they say psychedelics make you go crazy. Good stuff.

OnTopic. You have an anxiety disorder now. Seek treatment, CBT, EMDR, Hypnotherapy etc. theres alot of different stuff out there.

I wish you all the best

 

[Groundsound]

It sounds like you are a sensitive person who did mushrooms around the wrong people. Some people can't handle being in social situations at all while on psychedelics, while others can do it as long as they get to cherry pick their companions and make sure that nothing offensive will happen. Being exposed to people's negative attitudes while tripping can more intensely impact a person than it otherwise would. The reason is that your usual internal defenses and coping strategies may not be easy to deploy while your mind is wide open.

From your description, your initial come-up was going really well until your friend's mom came home and started talking shit. So we know from this evidence that it's possible for you to have a good psychedelic experience and that it wasn't the mushrooms themselves that caused you trauma.

My take on this, which not everyone will agree with, is that because mushrooms enhance novelty in the brain, it allows for new "imprinting" to happen. When your brain is in a more neuroplastic state and gets fed negativity, that will become the new form. For this reason, sometimes the solution to a bad trip is to trip once more, with a lighter dose, but set it up to ensure a lot of positive input and so that negative stimuli are kept away (i.e. bitchy people). Just something to consider. Have you done mushrooms before this one time? Was it bad then too? Anyway, if you're not ready to try again or you're scared then don't do it.

Questioning your reality is not a bad thing, but you may be doing it with a negative tint because of your experience which is why the process is causing you anxiety. Perhaps your negative encounters with people while high have made you a tad afraid of people. I recommend, if you can, to try interacting with people even if it makes you a bit uncomfortable, and use the cognitive behavioral approach to discern harm vs. safety. This means being evidence based. If you perceive that someone is going to harm you, then look for the evidence of that. If you can't find evidence, then chances are you're being paranoid. Likewise, gather evidence of good social experiences to remind yourself, concretely, that it's possible to get along with human beings.

If you're having trouble relaxing then you can consider certain anxiolytics, or herbal remedies. Herbs like schisandra and rhodiola are great for day to day anxiety.

Yes, I have done mushrooms before, twice. Both of these times however did not truly work, because I was on anti depressants at the time which negated the effects. I am reluctant to take mushrooms again although like you I had the thought that that could switch my mindset back to normal, I might have to give it some thought. I also take Passion flower extract for anxiety, and it works to some extent, but I haven't took it for over 2 weeks because I've been on a steroid for my poison ivy and my doctor told me to not take any herbal remedies (which is all of my medicine haha.)

I'm just so tired of living with this anxiety, I used to be such a happy lively person full of conversation and energy, now it's hard to find the words to say one sentence to people.

 

[JBrandon]

Speaking from experience, healthy living and TIME will heal this. My guess is that you took a whopping dose and this derealisation is going to fade slowly. IMO nothing, and I mean nothing, can cut you as deeply and as primally as mushrooms. What you're essentially dealing with here is PTSD. Sure, nothing particularly bad happened, but the mushrooms catalyzed a deeply traumatic emotional experience. Unlike PTSD from traditional trauma, I don't think talk therapy is terribly effective. Avoid all drugs, keep working out, and you will reintegrate. Be fair to yourself, don't be critical over this, don't expect to be able to "Knock it off" suddenly... Just let go of trying to control it or change it and direct your mental energy into anything else. Six months from now you'll be right as rain, maybe better off for this.

 

[ComfortablyNumb95]

what foreigner and Jbrandon said, and also meditation can help but it will take a while.
you'll be "normal" again though, just stronger and wiser