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psychotic meltdown from lsd

M

manicmind

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Joined
Jul 7, 2010
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2
Hi, this is my first time posting on this forum and this is a bit of a heavy handed post but I'd like some guidance regarding these issues I've been having lately and this place seems to be the best place to get it.

For the past 3 months my mind has been on a negative feedback loop comprised of depression, anxiety, and what I feel like is mental impairment. It all stemmed from a bad LSD trip I took a few months ago. I didn't hallucinate or turn violent or anything like that, but I was horribly anxious and troubled by thoughts that have been plaguing my mind ever since. I took the acid at a wrong time in my life because I was going through certain issues at the time and I thought if I took acid it would help me resolve the issues and realize the problems I was having were petty and irrelevant in the grand scheme of life. I had taken acid 4 times before and didn't have any trouble with my previous trips and so I told myself that since acid hasn't fucked me in the brain by now, it will probably help me get over these issues. Definitely the worst decision I ever made.

For the entire length of the trip I was caught up in my own mind and thoughts that were telling me I wasn't good enough and I fucked up my life by making wrong decisions and being lazy and not working for the things I wanted. That feeling hasn't left me once since that trip. I'm struggling to maintain my sanity but I can feel it slowly breaking down. Every morning is a struggle for me to get up because the first thought that enters my head is something along the lines of "You've failed. Your potential is ruined. You've become what you despise the most."

I think I permanently fucked up my brain. I've developed this constant, high pitch ringing in my ears a couple weeks after the acid trip that I first thought was stress induced tinnitus, but now I'm not so sure. Social situations are turning into complete nightmares for me because I can't think of a single thing to say to people, even my very good friends. When I do try to think of something to say it usually comes out mumbled,garbled and disorganized and I rarely come up with an original idea or joke to any situation. It's fucked up because I used to be a social, funny, smart, happy go lucky kind of guy. Nowadays I fear leaving my apartment because the pressure of being in a social situation is becoming too much to handle. I can't focus well anymore on anything other than the negative thoughts which tell me that I'm never going to be better and I deserve to be mentally impaired because of the bad decisions I'd made. I don't want to open up to anyone I know because I'm ashamed of what I've become. I try to pull myself together every time I see my friends but I'm pretty sure they've all noticed this change in me and it's starting to push them away.

This has also been seen at my work, where I have recently been fired from because of my seemingly apathetic nature. I can't move as quickly or process thoughts as well as I used to be able to and it's a real struggle putting a smile on my face to customers who walk in.

I have rare moments, usually right before I go to sleep, where I feel okay but I think it's because I know that I'm about to fall asleep which is my escape. I lay in bed for as long as I can after I wake up trying to get back to sleep so that I can avoid my thoughts for as long as possible.

I think I'm losing control of the madness inside of me. I have constant panic attacks and will mutter things to myself as if I'm speaking both ends of a conversation. I don't have any visual or audio hallucinations as of yet, but I fear that something has snapped in me and I've attained some mental disorder like schizophrenia. I used to have a lot of pride in the person I was but now whenever I look in the mirror I see an empty expression on my face that looks far off and dumb.

I've read some accounts and stories of people going through similar things after a bad trip. I feel like I'm going psychotic but am too afraid to admit it to myself that I've gone off the deep end. What do I do to cope with this? Can I get rid of these feelings and live my life on my own terms again?
 
been there. i imagine that most people have been somewhere near there at some point, on drugs or not. i think it's more or less a crucial part of the human experience, just getting to a point of ultimate frustration and helplessness. A mental and emotional emulation of rock bottom.

at the beginning I took offense against the cosmos for dooming me to that fate, for punishing me for doing something i wasn't supposed to do, for crossing that line WHICH SHALL NOT BE CROSSED! but then somehow later on at some point in my struggle I came to realize that most sanity is debatable anyway, and therefore it can't be that which the individual craves; it must be that feeling of security that one gets from having whatever would be the opposite of that insanity. i think the word is Grace? so at that point i learned to allow myself to enjoy myself and i strive basically now i try to continue to get that feeling for myself and to learn how to be a conduit to that feeling to others.

I sincerely hope that helps!
 
Hi manicmind, welcome to The Dark Side. You have definitely come to the right place :)

Firstly, you are not going psychotic or losing your mind or anything like that. The after-effects of a bad trip, especially if we're not in a good place in life at the time, can result in the feelings of depression and anxiety that you're experiencing. What you need to know is that it is not permanent. I know that when we're depressed it can feel like it's going to be like this for eternity, but with time you will get better.

There are certain things you can do to speed up the process of recovering though. Make sure you eat a healthy, balanced diet so that you're getting all the vitamins and minerals that you need, and drink plenty of water. Abstain from all other substances including alcohol and weed. Exercise is also a great way to improve mental health (as well as physical health). Each time you do moderate to strenuous exercise your brain releases endorphins which are well-known to improve mood and induce feelings of relaxation and confidence. If you can aim to do at least 3 sessions per week of moderate exercise, hopefully you will start to notice an improvement. Exercise is my anti-depressant these days, and I'm not even joking a little bit.

Have you ever seen a counsellor/psych therapist before? Is this something you would consider? I think it could really help you to sit down with someone to just talk about what you're going through. The bad trip seems to have triggered this period of depression and anxiety in you, but whenever that happens there was always something underlying in the person's subconcious prior to the trip. You might get relief from just talking things through with a therapist. What do you think?
 
Psychedelics have a way of helping hidden problems come to surface so you can address them. So, if your thoughts upon waking are currently "You've failed. Your potential is ruined. You've become what you despise the most." Then you now have the ability to strive to succeed at what you have previously failed, identify your potential, then kill what you despise about yourself. No more defense mechanisms. Many people will never come as far as you have. Continue.

Welcome to Bluelight, manicmind<3
 
Ive had this aswell for a good 8months or so now, it has got better but I find it as being easier to deal with more so than generally improving
 
time.
but also: fear.

you are affraid u fucked up ur brain.
you are affraid u fucked up ur future.

fear is probably a big part of the reason u feel so fucked to begin with.
fear destabilizes you. it brings u out of equilibrium. it breaks down your wholeness
into many fragmented pieces, which are now having a fight with eachother.

step 1: accept the worst possible case scenario, that u perhaps have fucked up ur brain.
step 2: don't be affraid of that scenario, face the future with courage - no matter what's in store for you.
step 3: come to understand that u have probably not fucked up ur brain at all. ur body and mind have healing mechanisms in place. mental wounds heal like physical wounds do. fear: delays and prevents mental healing..
step 4: abstain from drugs, except for perhaps an occasional benzo (at a time u really need it) and perhaps an occasional drink of alcohol (if you're sure ur not having adverse reaction to it).

be careful with the benzo as well as the antidepressant:
they will make u dependent and cause rebound symptoms.
so don't use the benzo every day. i'd say one or two lorazepams a week is safe for a while. but try to use them as little as possible.

diazepam has longer half life so if u use it 3 times a week then this means ur basically on it every day of the week!
that's why i'd recommend short lasting like lorazepam.
 
I agree with n3o.. Exercise is a GREAT antidepressant and should not be underestimated. My psych actually told me that for most people this option is a lot better then meds.

Anxiety can usually be treated quite well with CBT.. You should give it a try. I know it's scary but going the benzo/meds route will ultimately lead to worse problems for most. They should really be a last resort for anxiety and depression.
 
There are some good comments here and I dont' want to needlessly clutter your thread. But would it be helpful to think of what you're going through as a form of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)? Try to work through it and see if it fades with time and as you examine the causes.
 
jackie jones said:
Psychedelics have a way of helping hidden problems come to surface so you can address them. So, if your thoughts upon waking are currently "You've failed. Your potential is ruined. You've become what you despise the most." Then you now have the ability to strive to succeed at what you have previously failed, identify your potential, then kill what you despise about yourself. No more defense mechanisms. Many people will never come as far as you have. Continue.

Welcome to Bluelight, manicmind<3
Click to expand...
this sorta implies that "psychedelics are always right" which i wouldn't run with when talking to someone who got these problems at least partially triggered by a trip. bad trips with too much anxiety aren't necessarily the right, or best, way to teach someone (though many do disagree, i think some are more susceptible to lingering anxiety)

it seems like anxiety is often a long term component of HPPD symptoms when they come, for many people; i imagine that the OP has indeed shifted his personality a little bit and perhaps this is sorta like HPPD but without the visuals

when you are in a chemically induced anxiety, there's not much hope except for time and good exercise/etc and having the right attitude (know it'll get better over time eg). but anxiety can be so disruptive that all these healthy habits go out the window (like his socializing)

clonazepam has been said to be useful with hppd and its anxiety. if his depression is mainly from all the anxiety (which could interfere with sleep too) the clonaz would probably help. i'm not suggesting long term use, and using above-therapeutic doses would probably make OP worse off, but .25 or .5 clonaz 2-3x a day would probably allow himself to start getting back on track. or .5 a day for when it's needed most

i'd go with the therapist idea first. unfortunately dr's don't know much about hppd usually and if they hear you abused psychedelics you may be labelled an addict and they may be uncomfortable prescribing benzos. don't really know what to say about that
 
thank you for all your replies, i do feel better knowing that others have experienced what I'm going through and have come out alright after time. what everyone has said makes a lot of sense and I think that I just need to come to terms with my current situation and move on instead of letting these negative thought patterns dominate my mind.

talking to a counselor or therapist is a good suggestion, maybe i just need to get these issues off my chest to get out of my head and help me move past them.
 
I had the same thing happen from overusing Mushrooms, it took 10 to 12 months before things started to get noticeably better but they did.
 
qwe said:
this sorta implies that "psychedelics are always right" which i wouldn't run with when talking to someone who got these problems at least partially triggered by a trip.
Click to expand...

Well, when I said to 'continue' I did not mean to continue with psychs (necessarily). manicmind now has the ability to identify her problems. Albeit overwhelming, her/his current state of mind is a proactive one.
 
LSD psychosis, only REAL way out.

12 Years ago I had an LSD trip where I imagined what God felt... then I had thoughts of Satan and God... and when I came back.. I was never the same.. but the thoughts were of God and Satan.. were yours?

Second... even when I quite all drugs and smoking, drinking and EVERYTHING.. I still could not come back.. and I missed being human, the way I used to have it.. before.. I became like a fallen spirit walking on earth, never really alive and not dead.. somewhere in between the conscious living and the dead was me..

Now.. this lasted nearly a year with no relief in sight. So I did something. Something that NOT only fixed the problem, but threw me on the other side of things.. the amount of death and lifelessness I had attained in my FOLLY towards God.. it was THAT much life and love that I got back.. ALL IN ONE SHOT. I DID something for 3 weeks... and after that time... GOD made it ALL better... and saved me, restored me even BETTER than normal people..

I used to look at people and be envious.. be jealous of their happiness, something I knew was impossible for me... to the point of tears bro..

Now, its the opposite. I feel like they are the ones who are lost and I am the one with the blessing... and its not just a fake feeling I have, its the real deal.... which I share with whoever wants... but LSD psychosis is where my heart is.. because I was there once... and its quite literally being in hell on earth.

If you wanna know what I did, message me...

[removing personal email address]


Chill.. relax.. I know how it is to look through HPPD eyes bro.. BEEN there.


THIS IS A PRISON.. and its not permanent. NOT if you learn your lesson and do what you gotta do... I TRIED eating right, meditating, being nice..etc.. sober.. nothing worked for me.... WHAT I did... I HAD no idea would work.. .its was my LAST SHOT.

And not only did it work, but its been the blessing hidden in disguise in my lifetime worth of memories.

The LSD psychosis I went through was, what I thought, the eternally tragic mistake that was unpardonable for the rest of my life.

BUT..it ended up being a total blessing in disguise that I would not trade for the gain of the entire world even!

Now I tell you, believe what I tell you when you come to me.. and ask me.

Have it in your head that you will do ANYTHING for a month to get better.

You will do all this in secret and its free... of course.

peace.

Alex
 
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Hi Alex, welcome to Bluelight and to The Dark Side.
I'm really glad you found solace in religion but you cannot use Bluelight as a platform to promote your method of healing. Religion works for some people, and again, I am really happy for you that it worked for you, but it is not the "only way" and it certainly doesn't work for everyone. People are free to private message you if they wish to discuss this further with you but it's not a good idea to post your personal email address in the public forum.
 
hi manicmind, i'm sorry to hear you've been having a hard time.

I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. I think its important to keep in mind that even though it feels like you're stuck in a bad frame of mind and you can't see any way out of it, things can, and do, change.

It sounds like you had a lot of things going on before this experience, and then you've also got the worries about what has happened from taking the drugs on top of that. These things can feed off each other, its hard to address the first issues when you've got all these new worries to deal with as well.

Everyone's given some great suggestions. Making a good environment will make it easier to let yourself heal. I also recommend trying to keep some social contact, being isolated isn't going to help. If its hard to socialise, find another way, like inviting a friend over to watch a movie or tv shows or something, which doesn't have to involve a lot of chatting. Having someone you can trust and open up to would be even better, but I understand if you don't want to.

Definitely speak to a psychologist if you can. If you're getting into a depressed state of mind, its best if it gets addressed earlier than later, a psychologist will know the right thing to do. But being able to just talk about it with someone and open up will be a big help.

I had a really bad experience that is similar to what you're talking about, and I didn't think anyone would understand, other people that took drugs didn't seem to have any idea what i was talking about. A lot of the time its really hard to understand yourself what is going on. But a lot of it is no doubt anxiety about real issues and i'm sure you'll feel a lot better when you can address them a bit.

Chin up. Good luck with it all, keep in touch about how you're going.
 
mind over matter. some of what your experiencing is placebo effect or basically your mind convincing you shit is worse than it is. i would try and relax when you have these paranoid thoughts. you can be assured most people that experimented w/ acid have gone thru this at one time or another. the experiences you are having is nothing too out of the ordinary and w/ good time you'll be back to normal. and for fucksakes now you understand why our parents told us not to do drugs ? !
 
hi manicmind i can truely relate to whats going on

i don't know how to put it to you, your not alone and your not fucked up mentally i have walked the road your on for a very long time and still am. This is the very reason i signed up to this forum after i read your experience. I really hope you find your peace of mind .i didn't find any readily available solution but i found ways to deal with quiet alot of what your experiencing for me after the trip it's like i never really came down my ears started ringing, the delusional negitivity manifestations started, HPPD and to top it off nightmare paralysis attack while sleeping.... the negativity event in your mind ( just as a guide ) rearly does it ever happen or turn out the way that its played out in your head this whole delusional negativity with all the visions and emotions attached... like its super amplifide and thats all it is....with no real meaning or substance.....and it does subside, just don't take it to seriously and personalise it'. thats what it feeds on, the anxiety it creates, the self persecution you use like i did is like a self disappointment about the state that your in. i made a stand and challenge it i sort of fought back and expored every possibility to get my old self back.........,just try to be positive do all the little things to take care of yourself explore and find what your passions are and keep your mind occuppied with all the positivity you can summons don't ever judge yourself on any of that negativity bullshit.when you feel it coming on heavy try not to get drawn in to it stop what your doing and deliberatly do something to get your mind of it.in my days doctors diagnosed me as border psychotic schizo and many other things ? they had no idea about on going lsd related effects or causes. at the moment i take fluvoxamine in the morning with a low dose of monoamineoxidase at night
i ve been on this combo 15yrs its made my life easier. i haven't got all the answers i still searching to find my lost self or to better what i am as a second choice hope this helps
 
manicmind, i had an experience pretty similar to yours. i was going through a depression, had no direction and couldn't decide what i wanted to do or what was important to me. nothing i did seemed to be working and no matter how hard i tried it seemed like i couldn't get anywhere. i had done shrooms and e a handful of times before and acid once. i got a cube, let it dissolve in my mouth and then i fried balls for the next 12 hours. i passed out with kaleidoscope eyes. the majority of the trip i was trying to crawl out of my skin and escape my thoughts. i felt like a complete failure, everything i did seemed completely pointless, and nothing was helping my anxiety and panicked thoughts. a circle of darkness, going through all my failures that brought me to place that i was in. it went on all night, and the thoughts lingered for the next 4 or 5 months. social situations became extremely difficult, uncomfortable and awkard. my paranioa would eat at me and all my thoughts would be negative and pissed off. i couldn't joke around- when people would joke with me id find myself getting offended over nothing.

anyways, it got pretty bad to the point where i was only going out in public when i was completely crossed, and i wasn't hanging out with people unless we were smoking and drinking. even getting a phone call felt invasive and gave me anxiety. i felt like i had to hide the fact that i was a complete loser from everyone. it wasn't until i got a construction job that i snapped out of it. i don't think it was one thing alone that brought me out of my depression, it was a combination of things. having to get out of bed when the alarm goes off, go to work and do manual labor helped a ton. it reminded me of the reality that even if you don't want to get out of bed, life goes on. you either get bread or starve- your parents cant take care of you forever.

i guess i realized that by telling myself that i was a failure, i became that. i thought, therefore i was. i accepted the fact that my life was going nowhere, and even though i wasn't ok with it i wasn't doing anything to change it. kept doing the same thing every single day- and none of the shit i was doing was good for me. for a long time i blamed the acid and all the other drugs, but namely the last few trips i had. i convinced myself i was a basket case. if i was crazy it was because i thought i was crazy. the truth was it wasn't the drugs, but it was me. the solution is not a quick one, its a long journey. the solution is in the moment, the only time you can make a change.

trust me man, your mind is not fucked. i was able to read and understand what you wrote very clearly. depression and apathy will slow the mind down, making it feel like your fried. don't give up man as long as you have breath to breathe.
 
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