plantintelligence
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Mar 15, 2018
- Messages
- 3
What is your opinion on taking psychedelics alone to try and resolve repressed trauma from the last few years?
A little backstory; I found a woman online and we began dating, I kept it purely casual but she wanted more. I had backed away because she was very emotionally unstable and I found out she was very damaged. She wouldn't leave me alone night and day always at me trying to get me to spend time with her all of the time when I had told her nicely that we were just casual. She had not sought help for her previous issues and didn't want to, which also alarmed me. Alarm bells rang from the start but I'll explain why I didn't walk away in a few moments..
Eventually she managed to suck me into a relationship (she would often turn up at my house, ring me 100 times a day, text me 500 times a week without receiving replies and would blackmail me, harrass me, stalk me daily etc) and so eventually I just buckled, I felt sorry for her. I was in a rough patch back then, moved back to an area which has a lot of very severely traumatic childhood memories (I got into rent arrears and so could only find emergency accommodation with my local authority hence why I had to move back) and was finding a way to move away. I was lonely and needed some company, the sex was great but that's as far as I was willing to take it. Before you know it, it's been a year and I've met her family, friends and kids (all 3 of them), virtually moved in and tried to help her change her life and then slowly the real person I had been in a relationship began to show, already by now I had got feelings for her and her kids and we all had a tight bond, it was so hard to walk away. I had thrown away all my life goals and ambitions to be a family man to her family, lost a handful of jobs, stopped working out, stopped seeing friends, stopped reading and stopped everything which made me me. Before her I was on track to become a qualified psychotherapist after many years musing various career paths, I was starting from the bottom and working my way up.
I had devoted every penny I had and every minute of the day. She accused of many things I wasn't doing, some things she accused me from the first few months but I still stayed. Eventually I began to believe everything she said and slowly I started to derail. This went on for a year and it came to a climatic ending on Facebook where she put out various public statuses about me being a pedophile. Great, just what I need. I couldn't seek legal help because in the UK, you have to pay for lawyers in civil litigation matters (slander/libel etc.) and so I couldn't afford to take her to court (it would of been in the many thousands of pounds). The police wouldn't do anything because it's Facebook and it's hard to find the grounds to prosecute until someone comes into physical harm or there is substantial evidence. The online harassment continued and built momentum until she had found enough attention and people to really try and sink my name into the ground. She was after ruining me. By then, as you can imagine, I was really upset and trying to work out who I had been with all of this time, who I had devoted my time to her kids and really if any of it meant anything to her. I was on my own, already in a sh*tty situation (with the childhood memories looming large living in the same area I had been brought up in and consequently abused) as well as trying to get away, I had secluded myself from everyone (and so was depressed and anxious) because this was bringing me back to an earlier time in my life, it was only supposed to be a short stay and I didn't want to waste anyone's time making friends and then jetting off without coming back. I kept a low profile, ready to get back out into the world and resume my life.
And so I'm here, 7 months on and the trauma is still reeling in my head. It's gone down a lot compared to how I felt only a month ago (I have since moved and things have become so much better), I'm starting to talk to new people (and women) but there is still an imprint in my mind from the last year or so. I've done a lot of research and spoke to professionals, it was indicated I may have PTSD but one psychiatrist was very sure I met the criteria for BPD (which I've presumed I've had all of my life, or at least later into my development), we agreed I was neurotic and suffering from the trauma I had endured but treatment was a long way away, many months if not years and even then, it's to the pharmacy for anti-depressants which I'm not a fan of considering there is negligible evidence for their success. Life is picking up, I was planning to kill myself less than a few months ago via a cocktail of amiltryptiline and benzodiazapines (a recognized method for euthanasia and guaranteed to work in the right doses) but sourcing these drugs became difficult and also, part of me didn't actually want to end my life. I'm very psychologically/emotionally intelligent and also philosophical and so, I effectively became my own therapist and managed to get myself out of that one. Seeking therapy is a long process and the services here in the UK are sadly only catered to those in high priority (I went down the route of suicidal and in need of emergency treatment and was subsequently deferred within a week) and private therapy is a very costly adventure.
I'm left with few choices. I plan to take a psychedelic dose (150-200ug) alone in nature as part of a planned trip into the countryside. I have taken psychedelics before (about 20 times) and so I have experience (although not wholly experienced). I feel ready, this has been my plan for the past 3 months and I have waited it out until my situation got better and now I'm ready to embark on this journey of inner discovery and recovery.
I would like some feedback on my intentions...
I just wanna feel like me again.
Thanks in advance guys
A little backstory; I found a woman online and we began dating, I kept it purely casual but she wanted more. I had backed away because she was very emotionally unstable and I found out she was very damaged. She wouldn't leave me alone night and day always at me trying to get me to spend time with her all of the time when I had told her nicely that we were just casual. She had not sought help for her previous issues and didn't want to, which also alarmed me. Alarm bells rang from the start but I'll explain why I didn't walk away in a few moments..
Eventually she managed to suck me into a relationship (she would often turn up at my house, ring me 100 times a day, text me 500 times a week without receiving replies and would blackmail me, harrass me, stalk me daily etc) and so eventually I just buckled, I felt sorry for her. I was in a rough patch back then, moved back to an area which has a lot of very severely traumatic childhood memories (I got into rent arrears and so could only find emergency accommodation with my local authority hence why I had to move back) and was finding a way to move away. I was lonely and needed some company, the sex was great but that's as far as I was willing to take it. Before you know it, it's been a year and I've met her family, friends and kids (all 3 of them), virtually moved in and tried to help her change her life and then slowly the real person I had been in a relationship began to show, already by now I had got feelings for her and her kids and we all had a tight bond, it was so hard to walk away. I had thrown away all my life goals and ambitions to be a family man to her family, lost a handful of jobs, stopped working out, stopped seeing friends, stopped reading and stopped everything which made me me. Before her I was on track to become a qualified psychotherapist after many years musing various career paths, I was starting from the bottom and working my way up.
I had devoted every penny I had and every minute of the day. She accused of many things I wasn't doing, some things she accused me from the first few months but I still stayed. Eventually I began to believe everything she said and slowly I started to derail. This went on for a year and it came to a climatic ending on Facebook where she put out various public statuses about me being a pedophile. Great, just what I need. I couldn't seek legal help because in the UK, you have to pay for lawyers in civil litigation matters (slander/libel etc.) and so I couldn't afford to take her to court (it would of been in the many thousands of pounds). The police wouldn't do anything because it's Facebook and it's hard to find the grounds to prosecute until someone comes into physical harm or there is substantial evidence. The online harassment continued and built momentum until she had found enough attention and people to really try and sink my name into the ground. She was after ruining me. By then, as you can imagine, I was really upset and trying to work out who I had been with all of this time, who I had devoted my time to her kids and really if any of it meant anything to her. I was on my own, already in a sh*tty situation (with the childhood memories looming large living in the same area I had been brought up in and consequently abused) as well as trying to get away, I had secluded myself from everyone (and so was depressed and anxious) because this was bringing me back to an earlier time in my life, it was only supposed to be a short stay and I didn't want to waste anyone's time making friends and then jetting off without coming back. I kept a low profile, ready to get back out into the world and resume my life.
And so I'm here, 7 months on and the trauma is still reeling in my head. It's gone down a lot compared to how I felt only a month ago (I have since moved and things have become so much better), I'm starting to talk to new people (and women) but there is still an imprint in my mind from the last year or so. I've done a lot of research and spoke to professionals, it was indicated I may have PTSD but one psychiatrist was very sure I met the criteria for BPD (which I've presumed I've had all of my life, or at least later into my development), we agreed I was neurotic and suffering from the trauma I had endured but treatment was a long way away, many months if not years and even then, it's to the pharmacy for anti-depressants which I'm not a fan of considering there is negligible evidence for their success. Life is picking up, I was planning to kill myself less than a few months ago via a cocktail of amiltryptiline and benzodiazapines (a recognized method for euthanasia and guaranteed to work in the right doses) but sourcing these drugs became difficult and also, part of me didn't actually want to end my life. I'm very psychologically/emotionally intelligent and also philosophical and so, I effectively became my own therapist and managed to get myself out of that one. Seeking therapy is a long process and the services here in the UK are sadly only catered to those in high priority (I went down the route of suicidal and in need of emergency treatment and was subsequently deferred within a week) and private therapy is a very costly adventure.
I'm left with few choices. I plan to take a psychedelic dose (150-200ug) alone in nature as part of a planned trip into the countryside. I have taken psychedelics before (about 20 times) and so I have experience (although not wholly experienced). I feel ready, this has been my plan for the past 3 months and I have waited it out until my situation got better and now I'm ready to embark on this journey of inner discovery and recovery.
I would like some feedback on my intentions...
I just wanna feel like me again.
Thanks in advance guys
