karkano
Greenlighter
this is a story mainly about shrooms, and the Adult Swim tv show Metalocalypse. yeah. quite the combo, as you can imagine... 8) the show is partly a work of comedic parody, but wow there is some really disturbing and dark stuff in there. its absolutely not something most people would go near while on shrooms. many episodes have nightmare sequences with imagery and sounds which(from what I know) are the exact kind of thing a person tends to experience in a terrifyingly bad trip.
anyway, a few years ago I made the mistake of thinking I could ignore all the things I hated about school and jump through the hoops to graduate college so that people would give me a day job and respect me etc. during highschool my bipolar disorder had awakened, but since my doctor and I had figured out how to treat it pretty effectively(with a mood stabilizer called Depakote) I was confident that I could handle college. it unfortunately turned out to damage me psychologically even more than lower education had damaged me. and, having been programmed like everyone around me to fear going through life without a college degree, I just couldn't see any positive way forward. I was in a really dark place, not suicidal, but dead inside for sure.
during my second year at college, I had started researching shrooms on Erowid and other sites. I was initially scared to try psychadelics, but I learned that psilocybin shrooms are less intense than LSD, even though they still will make one hallucinate, so they seemed to fit the bill of what I wanted perfectly. I soon realized that Liberty Caps sometimes grew in the grass right next to where I worked at the time. at any other point in my life, I would probably not have had the guts to just pick them and eat them like I did. but there was this day, like a few months after I had done my research, when the horror of my situation just hit me all the sudden, and it made me so angry. I don't think I was afraid of anything at that point! my whole brain/heart/soul was just consumed with rage and hate. I'd never felt like that before and have never since. I wasn't just being reckless: I fully understood the risk of my negative mindset causing a bad trip, and it didn't scare me.
I had to act. I had to change things. and somewhere inside me, from some previous life I led, it was as if this grumpy old pagan wizard was telling me that it was futile to try and fix the shell we see on the outside of things. it had to be done inside at the source with magick, via the shrooms. and on that particular day there were more liberty caps than usual to be found. it seemed very fateful at the time. the evening before, I had just rented Season 1 of Metalocalypse on DVD. and again, seemingly fate decided I would start watching it right after work, right when I ate the shrooms. this might sound odd, but a really dark and intense tv show about death metal was precisely what I felt I needed in order to achieve the kind of liberty I was after.
in a way metal music is all about power, and I wanted to just soak it all in, so I could then blast it out to destroy the obstacles preventing me from living the life I wanted to lead. I'm always dismayed to hear people talk about metal music as being some kind of big joke, to hear them say that its juvenile, or that its just a bunch of shallow meaningless hyper-masculine chest beating. to me, metal is the act of drumming up magick energy for the sake of accomplishing a spiritual goal requiring the use of violent magickal force.
holy crap... watching this show on shrooms was so amazing. it was terrifying, not only in the traditional sense of that word, but also intellectually, philosophically, because of the dark themes and subject matter some episodes deal with. it was also enlightening. I learned some pretty deep truths that have stuck with me to this day. basically I was completely and totally in the moment, every second of every episode. I'll list some examples of songs and what I got from them:
1. Awaken - the song the band Dethklok play to summon a demonic troll monster. perfect example of drumming up energy for magick.
2. Birthday Dethday - shows the horror inherent in that which everyone is conditioned to think is positive about life. it thus liberates one to wonder if both death and life have positive qualities
3. Briefcase Full of Guts - a brutally raw illustration of the corruption and greed associated with big business and mega-corporations. the guts are symbolic, but they're very real.
4. Into the Water - a really cosmic vision of millions of years in our future, when humans devolve back to fish and return to the water from whence all creatures came.
5. Go Forth and Die - deeply meaningful to me, because it encapsulates much of what I could never stand about school. "four long years trapped inside a box"
6. Murdertrain - the song Dethklok come up with when they finally understand the pain of Blues music. somehow the pessimism of this song had a healing effect on me, allowing me to confront the disturbing truths about life which I couldn't understand before.
and then there's the intro sequence song. the first thing you hear is the singer saying "tic tok tic tok tic tok!" like a clock. but somehow, what I heard was "do anything for dethklok!" which officially programmed my brain to obsess over Metalocalypse for a LONG time. I know it was over three months. for more than three months I basically became Nathan Explosion, the singer/frontman of the fictional band in the show. I spoke to EVERYONE in his low, gutteral metal voice. including my family! everyone. for all that time it never let up. the first night I was ever naked with a girl, I was whispering sweet nothings to her in a really crazy, almost monster-like voice, someone else's voice. someone who isn't even real. wow.
so, you're probably thinking "what the heck? liberty caps don't do that!" thats what I was thinking once it was all over. I have a few theories as to why that happened to me, why I became a cartoon character for three months instead of hallucinating for a weekend. I think it may have been because of the small dosage(I could only find so many caps in that one little area) combined with the relatively high dosage of mood stabilizer medication I take daily to keep my bipolarness in check. but I don't really know. if you, dear reader, do know, please do let me know.
I'd really like to try shrooms again, but obviously I want to avoid a similarly prolonged experience. dagnabbit, I just want to see things that aren't there for a day or two. the whole time during this "trip" I never really hallucinated anything. so I'm eager to experience that properly.
anyway, a few years ago I made the mistake of thinking I could ignore all the things I hated about school and jump through the hoops to graduate college so that people would give me a day job and respect me etc. during highschool my bipolar disorder had awakened, but since my doctor and I had figured out how to treat it pretty effectively(with a mood stabilizer called Depakote) I was confident that I could handle college. it unfortunately turned out to damage me psychologically even more than lower education had damaged me. and, having been programmed like everyone around me to fear going through life without a college degree, I just couldn't see any positive way forward. I was in a really dark place, not suicidal, but dead inside for sure.
during my second year at college, I had started researching shrooms on Erowid and other sites. I was initially scared to try psychadelics, but I learned that psilocybin shrooms are less intense than LSD, even though they still will make one hallucinate, so they seemed to fit the bill of what I wanted perfectly. I soon realized that Liberty Caps sometimes grew in the grass right next to where I worked at the time. at any other point in my life, I would probably not have had the guts to just pick them and eat them like I did. but there was this day, like a few months after I had done my research, when the horror of my situation just hit me all the sudden, and it made me so angry. I don't think I was afraid of anything at that point! my whole brain/heart/soul was just consumed with rage and hate. I'd never felt like that before and have never since. I wasn't just being reckless: I fully understood the risk of my negative mindset causing a bad trip, and it didn't scare me.
I had to act. I had to change things. and somewhere inside me, from some previous life I led, it was as if this grumpy old pagan wizard was telling me that it was futile to try and fix the shell we see on the outside of things. it had to be done inside at the source with magick, via the shrooms. and on that particular day there were more liberty caps than usual to be found. it seemed very fateful at the time. the evening before, I had just rented Season 1 of Metalocalypse on DVD. and again, seemingly fate decided I would start watching it right after work, right when I ate the shrooms. this might sound odd, but a really dark and intense tv show about death metal was precisely what I felt I needed in order to achieve the kind of liberty I was after.
in a way metal music is all about power, and I wanted to just soak it all in, so I could then blast it out to destroy the obstacles preventing me from living the life I wanted to lead. I'm always dismayed to hear people talk about metal music as being some kind of big joke, to hear them say that its juvenile, or that its just a bunch of shallow meaningless hyper-masculine chest beating. to me, metal is the act of drumming up magick energy for the sake of accomplishing a spiritual goal requiring the use of violent magickal force.
holy crap... watching this show on shrooms was so amazing. it was terrifying, not only in the traditional sense of that word, but also intellectually, philosophically, because of the dark themes and subject matter some episodes deal with. it was also enlightening. I learned some pretty deep truths that have stuck with me to this day. basically I was completely and totally in the moment, every second of every episode. I'll list some examples of songs and what I got from them:
1. Awaken - the song the band Dethklok play to summon a demonic troll monster. perfect example of drumming up energy for magick.
2. Birthday Dethday - shows the horror inherent in that which everyone is conditioned to think is positive about life. it thus liberates one to wonder if both death and life have positive qualities
3. Briefcase Full of Guts - a brutally raw illustration of the corruption and greed associated with big business and mega-corporations. the guts are symbolic, but they're very real.
4. Into the Water - a really cosmic vision of millions of years in our future, when humans devolve back to fish and return to the water from whence all creatures came.
5. Go Forth and Die - deeply meaningful to me, because it encapsulates much of what I could never stand about school. "four long years trapped inside a box"
6. Murdertrain - the song Dethklok come up with when they finally understand the pain of Blues music. somehow the pessimism of this song had a healing effect on me, allowing me to confront the disturbing truths about life which I couldn't understand before.
and then there's the intro sequence song. the first thing you hear is the singer saying "tic tok tic tok tic tok!" like a clock. but somehow, what I heard was "do anything for dethklok!" which officially programmed my brain to obsess over Metalocalypse for a LONG time. I know it was over three months. for more than three months I basically became Nathan Explosion, the singer/frontman of the fictional band in the show. I spoke to EVERYONE in his low, gutteral metal voice. including my family! everyone. for all that time it never let up. the first night I was ever naked with a girl, I was whispering sweet nothings to her in a really crazy, almost monster-like voice, someone else's voice. someone who isn't even real. wow.
so, you're probably thinking "what the heck? liberty caps don't do that!" thats what I was thinking once it was all over. I have a few theories as to why that happened to me, why I became a cartoon character for three months instead of hallucinating for a weekend. I think it may have been because of the small dosage(I could only find so many caps in that one little area) combined with the relatively high dosage of mood stabilizer medication I take daily to keep my bipolarness in check. but I don't really know. if you, dear reader, do know, please do let me know.
I'd really like to try shrooms again, but obviously I want to avoid a similarly prolonged experience. dagnabbit, I just want to see things that aren't there for a day or two. the whole time during this "trip" I never really hallucinated anything. so I'm eager to experience that properly.
