jchris93
Greenlighter
- Joined
- May 30, 2014
- Messages
- 28
Not sure where to post this. It belongs somewhere between Harm Reduction & Trip Report, but I'm having some navigational problems.
I have something of a dilemma which has followed me for years, thirty to be exact.
When I was 15 I accidentally crammed too much self-analysis into a 4-5 hour period. The catalyst was psilocybin, and in amounts that would have had Timothy Leary running for a syringe of Thorazine to help me.
This event precipitated trouble of a complicate nature that has been debilitating. With social anxiety and agoraphobia, I feel like I've been walking in the desert, alone with this enormous task, forever. While I understand the situation more than one really could ever hope, being objective about such subjective matters is, shall we say, impossible? I've sought out all manner of professional help. But out of perhaps two dozen psychologists, nearly as many psychiatrists, and just vast numbers of people in psyche-centric fields, all I have to do is mention "Well one time as a kid I took psilocybin and it was (that's as far as the discussion is ever really allowed.
Why would the people most specialized in understanding the human mind go out of their way to avoid such interesting even crucial aspects of it?
After the psilocybin catastrophe, I became Traumatized whenever I took even a few fuffs. It triggered the same response each and every time, too self-conscious, obsessed with what others thought of me, paranoid but not in the sense that "people were out to harm me, but by gods their rejection of me as socially became a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm going to try MDMA therapy, if I can locate a suitable therapist. I swear, it is a PTSD-like barrier -- a total barrier and disconnect from 'normal' human interraction. I haven't even had sex in 13 years, unless you count an attempt at going down on a good female friend. I just couldn't connect to her on the right level. Some Goddess is in for a serious treat as I process out of this mess. It's not IF, it is when. She will be hanging on to me as if, "No!, he's mine! You chicks stay the hell away!" I'm obviously modest, huh? No, it's due to being so desperately in need of the human connection. Any guy can just come, of course, this will be a Tantric Event. (Man I swear I am I am not on anything right now, and really need to shut up, huh?"
This agarophobia is destroying me. I desperately need a friend. All my old ones are still out there chasing the same foolish nonsense. I enjoy being clean, and able to turn down any CI-CIII, save for being left alone in the same room with sugnificant opioids. Well I will obtain the MDMA at a later date. My work with MAPS could hold promise, but obviously there is a line. When I obtain the catalyst, I just hope I'll be able to talk a therapist into assisting. I mentioned it to my psychiatrist, and she is outstanding, but just learning. I mentioned the proposal of MDMA, "oh no, that is a psychedelic that you musn't use. I descriped the first of my three total doses, the very clean 1992 dose, them mentioned what MAPS & Johns Hopkins, and suddenly she was truly listening and seemed intrigued. Now that was a wonderful sign!
At first she had been "like", oh, no they don't use Schedule I substances for therapeutic purposes. She really is a wonderful psychiatist, even recognizing that although heroin is my drug of choice, and that ALTHOUGH CLEAN for many years, was in agreement to an Abstract suggesting 2mg buprenorphine b.i.d could benefit my neurology. I was amazed by that. Unfortunately (?) Bupe caused serious edema even at 4mg/day.
Sorry for the sleep deprivation. Caffeine is the only abusable substance I use, though I do take some Rx clonazepam. I simply don't understand why BZO has a street value. They could be OTC and it wouldn't change my usage.
Anyone who has thoughts on this matter, I would enjoy the contact.
I have something of a dilemma which has followed me for years, thirty to be exact.
When I was 15 I accidentally crammed too much self-analysis into a 4-5 hour period. The catalyst was psilocybin, and in amounts that would have had Timothy Leary running for a syringe of Thorazine to help me.
This event precipitated trouble of a complicate nature that has been debilitating. With social anxiety and agoraphobia, I feel like I've been walking in the desert, alone with this enormous task, forever. While I understand the situation more than one really could ever hope, being objective about such subjective matters is, shall we say, impossible? I've sought out all manner of professional help. But out of perhaps two dozen psychologists, nearly as many psychiatrists, and just vast numbers of people in psyche-centric fields, all I have to do is mention "Well one time as a kid I took psilocybin and it was (that's as far as the discussion is ever really allowed.
Why would the people most specialized in understanding the human mind go out of their way to avoid such interesting even crucial aspects of it?
After the psilocybin catastrophe, I became Traumatized whenever I took even a few fuffs. It triggered the same response each and every time, too self-conscious, obsessed with what others thought of me, paranoid but not in the sense that "people were out to harm me, but by gods their rejection of me as socially became a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm going to try MDMA therapy, if I can locate a suitable therapist. I swear, it is a PTSD-like barrier -- a total barrier and disconnect from 'normal' human interraction. I haven't even had sex in 13 years, unless you count an attempt at going down on a good female friend. I just couldn't connect to her on the right level. Some Goddess is in for a serious treat as I process out of this mess. It's not IF, it is when. She will be hanging on to me as if, "No!, he's mine! You chicks stay the hell away!" I'm obviously modest, huh? No, it's due to being so desperately in need of the human connection. Any guy can just come, of course, this will be a Tantric Event. (Man I swear I am I am not on anything right now, and really need to shut up, huh?"
This agarophobia is destroying me. I desperately need a friend. All my old ones are still out there chasing the same foolish nonsense. I enjoy being clean, and able to turn down any CI-CIII, save for being left alone in the same room with sugnificant opioids. Well I will obtain the MDMA at a later date. My work with MAPS could hold promise, but obviously there is a line. When I obtain the catalyst, I just hope I'll be able to talk a therapist into assisting. I mentioned it to my psychiatrist, and she is outstanding, but just learning. I mentioned the proposal of MDMA, "oh no, that is a psychedelic that you musn't use. I descriped the first of my three total doses, the very clean 1992 dose, them mentioned what MAPS & Johns Hopkins, and suddenly she was truly listening and seemed intrigued. Now that was a wonderful sign!
At first she had been "like", oh, no they don't use Schedule I substances for therapeutic purposes. She really is a wonderful psychiatist, even recognizing that although heroin is my drug of choice, and that ALTHOUGH CLEAN for many years, was in agreement to an Abstract suggesting 2mg buprenorphine b.i.d could benefit my neurology. I was amazed by that. Unfortunately (?) Bupe caused serious edema even at 4mg/day.
Sorry for the sleep deprivation. Caffeine is the only abusable substance I use, though I do take some Rx clonazepam. I simply don't understand why BZO has a street value. They could be OTC and it wouldn't change my usage.
Anyone who has thoughts on this matter, I would enjoy the contact.
