Where am I at?
What am I doing?
Where do I want to go?
Who do I want to be?
Those questions as well as others were just raised to me and well, to be honest.. have been floating around in my head a lot lately as well. I've been too afraid to answer them. Too afraid of what I might discover about myself, present and future.
I learned a lesson a long time ago that the worst person who can hide from and the worst person you can hold secrets from is yourself. Somewhere along the way, I shoved that knowledge in a box somewhere inside me, and I didn't want to open it.. again.. afraid of what I might find. It's bigger than status as a DJ or a promoter or social standing in general, it's me.. and that's the most important thing of all, regardless of how selfish that sounds.
I stumbled over my own words, my own thoughts while on the phone and it was frustrating.. more so than just that.. it was sad. I couldn't even tell the person I was talking to what I had been doing and what I wanted to do in the future. I rationalized at first and passed it off that I simply did not know. Confusion is a comfortable hiding place, sometimes. I felt angry at the person on the other end of the line for even calling me and asking me these questions.. and even angrier at the person who clued him in, and caused him to call me.
I've spent so much time worrying about people here and social standing and rave bullshit and trivial crap that I overlooked what everything for anyone is really about.. yourself. I've burned and hurt a few people these past few days, and I want to apologize to them, but I've come to the realization that whatever apology I can offer at this given point in time isn't going to mean shit. I thought I needed to apologize to myself, but again, self-pity is a comfortable place to hide as well.
At first thought, it seems mean to say, but in all honesty I can't apologize to anyone until I take care of myself first. Until I get my shit in order. Be it school, job, living arrangement, emotional issues, my life in general. I've been spinning out of control for too long, and its so easy to just let go and keep spinning.. but there comes a time when you either hit the bottom, or you shut the ride off and start back up the hill. I think its time for me to hit the kill switch. I honestly don't know if those who I've hurt will ever accept any apology I can offer, and again.. it sounds mean as hell.. but I cannot be concerned with that.
There's been no progress to report, and its been going on like this for way too long. I'm long overdue to make things right for ME.
To do what I want to do and be who I want to and know I can be. I guess I just needed a little reminder of that.
Even though these words will never reach either of you, thank you Walt and thank you Trip for being FRIENDS. A friend isn't just someone who shoots sympathy your way, or is there to pat your head and tell you things will be ok. Sometimes, the best way to find a friend is to look to the person who's giving you that kick in the ass and laying it on the line in front of you. Even though I never realized it at the time, I've done the same thing for you.. I've been a true friend, and you are both true friends to me.
What am I doing?
Where do I want to go?
Who do I want to be?
Those questions as well as others were just raised to me and well, to be honest.. have been floating around in my head a lot lately as well. I've been too afraid to answer them. Too afraid of what I might discover about myself, present and future.
I learned a lesson a long time ago that the worst person who can hide from and the worst person you can hold secrets from is yourself. Somewhere along the way, I shoved that knowledge in a box somewhere inside me, and I didn't want to open it.. again.. afraid of what I might find. It's bigger than status as a DJ or a promoter or social standing in general, it's me.. and that's the most important thing of all, regardless of how selfish that sounds.
I stumbled over my own words, my own thoughts while on the phone and it was frustrating.. more so than just that.. it was sad. I couldn't even tell the person I was talking to what I had been doing and what I wanted to do in the future. I rationalized at first and passed it off that I simply did not know. Confusion is a comfortable hiding place, sometimes. I felt angry at the person on the other end of the line for even calling me and asking me these questions.. and even angrier at the person who clued him in, and caused him to call me.
I've spent so much time worrying about people here and social standing and rave bullshit and trivial crap that I overlooked what everything for anyone is really about.. yourself. I've burned and hurt a few people these past few days, and I want to apologize to them, but I've come to the realization that whatever apology I can offer at this given point in time isn't going to mean shit. I thought I needed to apologize to myself, but again, self-pity is a comfortable place to hide as well.
At first thought, it seems mean to say, but in all honesty I can't apologize to anyone until I take care of myself first. Until I get my shit in order. Be it school, job, living arrangement, emotional issues, my life in general. I've been spinning out of control for too long, and its so easy to just let go and keep spinning.. but there comes a time when you either hit the bottom, or you shut the ride off and start back up the hill. I think its time for me to hit the kill switch. I honestly don't know if those who I've hurt will ever accept any apology I can offer, and again.. it sounds mean as hell.. but I cannot be concerned with that.
There's been no progress to report, and its been going on like this for way too long. I'm long overdue to make things right for ME.
To do what I want to do and be who I want to and know I can be. I guess I just needed a little reminder of that.
Even though these words will never reach either of you, thank you Walt and thank you Trip for being FRIENDS. A friend isn't just someone who shoots sympathy your way, or is there to pat your head and tell you things will be ok. Sometimes, the best way to find a friend is to look to the person who's giving you that kick in the ass and laying it on the line in front of you. Even though I never realized it at the time, I've done the same thing for you.. I've been a true friend, and you are both true friends to me.
