the_ketaman
Bluelighter
Ok I apologise if this has been done a million times but I feel so lost. This will probably be a long one, sorry.
Righto guess ill start from the beginning. Im 20 years old, male and had mental health issues for as long as I can remember, also had some pretty severe drug problems ranging from a 7 year heavy pot habit, oral speed/meth/MDMA(back in the day), then moved on to IV'ing speed about 3-4 years ago as well as a hefty oxycontin habit(IV 160-240mg up to twice a day) used to boot up ritalin with them a lot as well as 4-8mg of xanax twice a day. This was all up until about a year and a half-2 years ago when I got on methadone which was great and kept me clean for a good while but its losing its touch, I feel like im getting dopesick toward the end of the day but I dont want to go on any more methadone, its just more of an addiction, I have a feeling methadone is making me depressed and suicidal, is that possible? Ive been feeling like I want to get off methadone for multiple reason for the last 6 months or so I dont really know what to do with anything in my life.. Since I got on methadone I also met a guy who has now been my partner for 12 months.
Ok I hope I didnt forget anything there.....Ok, well me and this guy lets call him B, B and myself have had a rocky relationship, we've broken up and gotten back together countless times but we were both madly in love with each other and up until recently I had been mad in love with him but things just dont seem the same anymore. I dont feel like I have the support I need from him as a partner. Now his dad just died a few days ago and I feel like it would be a really awful thing to break up with him just after something like that, my father died last year the day after fathers day the only thing is that I just wanted him when my dad died but I havent seen him for over a week which is the longest we've spent apart(save the times we broke up) I dont feel like we want the same things in a relationship and that he doesnt feel the same way about me anymore. He rarely tells me he loves me anymore even though I tell him every day, I would have thought he'd want to see me after his dad died so I could comfort him(I know not everyone wants this but I havent seen him AT ALL) and we could cuddle and he can cry and do whatever but he doesnt want to see me. I feel like im not an adequate comfort source for him and it just feels like he really doesnt love me. I hope im not confusing all you guys here, im trying to keep it to the one subject.
Now in a post yesterday someone told me to write down all the positive things and all the negative things about this relationship and theres not as many positives as id hoped. Now this guy isnt an asshole, he's a very caring, loving genuine individual but it just feels like he doesnt truely love ME as much as he did as much as I need him to. I need him to tell me he loves me and ive told him this as well as spoken about pretty much all of the things I have problem with and things never chance, he never tells me he loves me, we never go out and do things together, he has no interest in the things I like and never does anything I like, its always doing the things he likes, wants or needs to do.
Ok this is getting long and I have more to say so ill try and sum it up. I dont have a job which is really getting me down, my mental health issues are playing up and ive been very depressed and extremely suicidal lately, Ive felt the need to use drugs heavily(heroin, meth, benzo's) and I just miss company. I dont have any friends, since I came out as gay ive lost 98% of my friends) so im lonely and all this stuff together is making me want to kill myself, I dont know what to do about B, I love him so much but I just dont know if he loves me or if im there because he can have sex with me and not be lonely. Im fucking lost. Im thinking about going to rehab to gt off methadone but I need to sort this relationship out first, I dont want to go to rehab while im still in a relationship coz I do have trust issues and I couldnt go away for four months and leave him. I know its awful but I dont trust him, he doesnt give me a chance to, maybe if he old me he loved me every day and he made me feel safe then I would be able to leave him for that long but I cant.
I feel like im a really clingy person, is that a bad thing?
Anyway ive done my best to write all that in a way you guys can understand but I still think I fucked up. Anyway if you guys can help me with what to do about rehab, mental health/suicide, methadone and drugs and everything else. I really feel like benzo's could do me a lot of ood coz I dont want to use them every day or even close to that but its so damn hard to get a doctor to prescribe it. But anyway if you've gotten this far, thankyou for reading and if you have advice or a personal account of something similar id love to hear it.
Thanks, Chris
Righto guess ill start from the beginning. Im 20 years old, male and had mental health issues for as long as I can remember, also had some pretty severe drug problems ranging from a 7 year heavy pot habit, oral speed/meth/MDMA(back in the day), then moved on to IV'ing speed about 3-4 years ago as well as a hefty oxycontin habit(IV 160-240mg up to twice a day) used to boot up ritalin with them a lot as well as 4-8mg of xanax twice a day. This was all up until about a year and a half-2 years ago when I got on methadone which was great and kept me clean for a good while but its losing its touch, I feel like im getting dopesick toward the end of the day but I dont want to go on any more methadone, its just more of an addiction, I have a feeling methadone is making me depressed and suicidal, is that possible? Ive been feeling like I want to get off methadone for multiple reason for the last 6 months or so I dont really know what to do with anything in my life.. Since I got on methadone I also met a guy who has now been my partner for 12 months.
Ok I hope I didnt forget anything there.....Ok, well me and this guy lets call him B, B and myself have had a rocky relationship, we've broken up and gotten back together countless times but we were both madly in love with each other and up until recently I had been mad in love with him but things just dont seem the same anymore. I dont feel like I have the support I need from him as a partner. Now his dad just died a few days ago and I feel like it would be a really awful thing to break up with him just after something like that, my father died last year the day after fathers day the only thing is that I just wanted him when my dad died but I havent seen him for over a week which is the longest we've spent apart(save the times we broke up) I dont feel like we want the same things in a relationship and that he doesnt feel the same way about me anymore. He rarely tells me he loves me anymore even though I tell him every day, I would have thought he'd want to see me after his dad died so I could comfort him(I know not everyone wants this but I havent seen him AT ALL) and we could cuddle and he can cry and do whatever but he doesnt want to see me. I feel like im not an adequate comfort source for him and it just feels like he really doesnt love me. I hope im not confusing all you guys here, im trying to keep it to the one subject.
Now in a post yesterday someone told me to write down all the positive things and all the negative things about this relationship and theres not as many positives as id hoped. Now this guy isnt an asshole, he's a very caring, loving genuine individual but it just feels like he doesnt truely love ME as much as he did as much as I need him to. I need him to tell me he loves me and ive told him this as well as spoken about pretty much all of the things I have problem with and things never chance, he never tells me he loves me, we never go out and do things together, he has no interest in the things I like and never does anything I like, its always doing the things he likes, wants or needs to do.
Ok this is getting long and I have more to say so ill try and sum it up. I dont have a job which is really getting me down, my mental health issues are playing up and ive been very depressed and extremely suicidal lately, Ive felt the need to use drugs heavily(heroin, meth, benzo's) and I just miss company. I dont have any friends, since I came out as gay ive lost 98% of my friends) so im lonely and all this stuff together is making me want to kill myself, I dont know what to do about B, I love him so much but I just dont know if he loves me or if im there because he can have sex with me and not be lonely. Im fucking lost. Im thinking about going to rehab to gt off methadone but I need to sort this relationship out first, I dont want to go to rehab while im still in a relationship coz I do have trust issues and I couldnt go away for four months and leave him. I know its awful but I dont trust him, he doesnt give me a chance to, maybe if he old me he loved me every day and he made me feel safe then I would be able to leave him for that long but I cant.
I feel like im a really clingy person, is that a bad thing?
Anyway ive done my best to write all that in a way you guys can understand but I still think I fucked up. Anyway if you guys can help me with what to do about rehab, mental health/suicide, methadone and drugs and everything else. I really feel like benzo's could do me a lot of ood coz I dont want to use them every day or even close to that but its so damn hard to get a doctor to prescribe it. But anyway if you've gotten this far, thankyou for reading and if you have advice or a personal account of something similar id love to hear it.
Thanks, Chris
