Mental Health Probably going to kill myself - WhatIsWrongWithMe

[WhatIsWrongWithMe]

Hey everyone, I'm back from my break from bluelight to make this post. Unfortunately I have not felt any better or any progress in my recovery.

About 7 months ago I took 200mg of MDMA with two other friends. It was my first time taking ecstasy and I only wanted to try it once. It was a powder. They both had a really great time. I drank one beer with it. The high for me was just "okay" and I didn't get the euphoric feeling or anything. I thought I would go back to normal very soon, I went to sleep.

Next about three-four days were fine too, I felt a little weird and there was a bit of an afterglow actually, then I went back to normal. So about a week after my night with MDMA I had a massive depressive breakdown, and I started to notice I couldn't stay hard anymore. This really freaked me out. After my depressive breakdown I then start getting a whole bunch of symptoms. I was paranoid, everything looked like a dream, visual disturbance, DP/DR, I couldn't remember things, couldn't sleep, couldn't focus, my thoughts were obsessive, heart palpitations, anxiety through the roof, and... could not get a hard or good feeling erection.

I don't really know what happened to me, if I triggered an anxiety disorder, if I damaged my brain, no more serotonin, I don't know. I've thought about so many different possibilities that it's stupid. Hell I didn't even realize it was the MDMA that messed me up until like 3 months ago? I was freaking out about Porn Addiction or being Bipolar or something stupid. All I know is that I am giving up hope of ever going back to normal. It's been too long. 7 months man.

If it was just anxiety then maybe I could live with it, but the reason that I don't think it's just that is because I don't even get hard night time erections anymore, or morning wood. If I wake up at night (maybe go to the bathroom) my erection will be weak as it has been for the past 7 months. If I try masturbating the orgasm is so so crappy. I just don't see it suddenly getting better, you know?


So I've planned that it's time to go. I will wait maybe a year or two, then it's time to go. I don't know what to say, I can regret and regret and regret trying the MDMA but it will never make me feel better. I've always had some depression and social anxiety, but only now I realize how great my life was, and now that I threw it away...it sucks big time. But it's too late now. I want to thank everyone who has tried helping, everyone on bluelight.




If I didn't do that drug, I know I would have lived my life to be a great person. But hey, were all going to die anyways right? My older brother was the one to get me into drugs. I don't want to blame him, but sometimes I think about it and it's hard not to. He is a lot bigger than me, I'm short and skinny. But he never warned me to do small doses you know? I always wanted to go hard and he never warned me.

Gah, I'm so sorry guys, I don't want to depress anyone. If anything I want you to learn a lesson from this. If your dick works, or if you don't have anxiety, then your life is GREAT. Even if you are massively depressed, PLEASE realize how much you have. To feel like a normal human being... Every moment is a struggle with my thoughts, nothing like before... it's torture man. I've seen a doctor and I've been on buspirone for 3 weeks now, but that isn't going to cure my penis problems, it won't cure my messed up brain, so far I feel nothing, but maybe it will make me feel better, who knows. Live your life to the fullest man, because I can't anymore. The pain and regret is too much.

Okay, I'm rambling on too much now. If you meet anyone who is depressed or anxious, please warn them about this god damned drug. It set something off in my brain that is irreversible... to the point of no more boner. I will monitor this thread, for maybe a couple days, maybe longer. Then I'll probably leave again for a while.

Good luck with life, I am a weak person, you're probably a stronger person than me. Prove to the world and even me that you can overcome your difficulties, because I have given up. Stop doing drugs, and realize that your life is beautiful. Every single interaction with another person is beautiful, whether it be awkward or not. I love you guys.

 

[Cruel Intentions]

Perhaps tell a psychiatrist

 

[WhatIsWrongWithMe]

Yeah, I wanted to get cognitive behavioral therapy for a while. I really thought it would help me. I mean I'll probably still do it but I'm not as excited about it curing me anymore. I think I am just fucked regardless of therapy.

I just want to know what happened to me. I feel that if other people did 200mg of the same drug that I took, they would be fine in a week. I guess I really did start an underlying mental disorder. But why can't I ever get a good erection anymore even in my sleep? Shit man. I just don't know what happened.

 

[SilentRoller]

Firstly let me tell you this, you are not fucked. People (including myself) have taken much more than 200mg of 'MDMA' (if thats even what you took - it doesn't sound like it) and have made full and healthy recoveries. Alot of this MDMA DP/DR I believe is simply in your head, and links into ordinary anxiety, as the more you worry about being fucked up, the worse you will feel. Its a vicious circle. However, 200mg of MDMA or whatever taken 7 months ago will not of caused irriversable damage to your brain, its just not possible. The brain is a wonderful thing, and it will repair and adapt to anything given time. What you are experiening is irrational thoughts and anxiety created by yourself, and I would suggest you seek therapy to perhaps deal with your underlying anxiety dissorder/issues/

When all is said and done though, 7 months on - MDMA is not to blame here. You have obviously latched on to some comedown symptoms and let your anxiety and worry spiral out of control and snowball into something massive. I know its hard to think rationally when in states like this (hence I suggested therapy), but seriously, you will be fine.

I wish you the best of luck with your recovery

 

[bben]

Before you kill yourself do electroconvulsive therapy. 15-25 sessions ideally. Its the best last resort option their is and their is literature proving its efficacy in treatment resistant ecstasy users. Here is the link.

http://jop.sagepub.com/content/20/6/860.abstract

I have done a great deal of research into this for people like you, and having talked to others it can work. So if you feel you have nothing to lose this is for sure the way to go. To get this simply tell your psychiatrist you are acutely suicidal and dont have time to wait for medications to kick in, or that you have tried other medications and they do not work for you. Its remarkably easy to get set up.

 

[xxxyakinikuxxx]

Definitely don't kill yourself man. It sounds like you haven't even started seriously trying to treat yourself yet.

There's definitely ways to get help and I think you'll find that you're far less messed up than you think you are.

When you get the chance look up catinthehat4's posts, specifically his last one.

He had given up hope but decided to seek treatment before he did anything rash. He ended up not only recovering but finding a happiness in life he didn't have before due to the insights his struggle gave him.

Don't give up man. Life is long. You got a lot of time to recover from here.

 

[WhatIsWrongWithMe]

Alright, thank you for the posts so far. I decided to tell my parents that I am suicidal and made plans this morning to kill myself a year or two later. I asked if I could take a year off from school to do therapy and medication, and try to be as stress free as possible. So that's what the plan is. I will still monitor this thread for a little bit.

SilentRoller I really want to believe that this is a triggered anxiety/mental disorder. Sometimes it's just so unreal though. Logically it probably is because I feel that if anyone else took the same exact 200mg of mdma that I did then they would be fine.

I don't know what to think. I guess I'll know when I get help lol.

 

[Folley]

This seems like a cry for help more than anything.. I'm going to move this over to the Mental Health section, they have a suicide support thread there.




After 7 months I think it's time to accept this was NOT caused by MDMA, and even if it was there isn't much to do now but accept it and move on. I was suicidal for like 6 months after abusing the drug, but am sooooo glad I never went through with such a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

 

[yanker]

get help

 

[sonicwhite]

It ain't worth it......I took E atleast 300 times and went thru a massive psychosis because of that and other stim like drugs.....Try to go get help....I mean killing yourself will stop you from ever knowing whether or not you can live with the symptoms. I have to live everyday thinking about all the damage I did and I know I did damage but I am anchored to this life and make the best of what I have been blessed with....Sex isn't everything...I haven't had it in eight years and I came to a place where oh well just another blown up thing this world portrays. So please stop giving so much thought about why you can't feel the way you do and regretting that you took it and focus on learning skills that will help you cope. I just know what it feels like to lose everything over night. But there is hope out there for you and me.

 

[Maya]

Whatiswrongwithme this is Jonnavi, I just changed my name on BL. First of all, I m so sorry to hear that you are still suffering from the substance you took 7 months ago. I would like to let you know that I am still in the process of recovery and have accepted this for the mean time. Whatever you do please do not take away your life. I haven't given up on fighting so why should you? I am here for you Whatiswrongwithme and just like everyone else in recovery we are here for each other for support. You have to put an effort on yourself like exercising, sleeping right, eating healthy as that is the only thing you can do for now. Whatever symptoms we have for now we have to accept and adapt to it. If people recovered after a few years then you should to. You have to stay positive and I will support you. I will pm you as well stay strong my friend.

 

[Jerry Atrick]

Before you kill yourself do electroconvulsive therapy. 15-25 sessions ideally. Its the best last resort option their is and their is literature proving its efficacy in treatment resistant ecstasy users. Here is the link.

http://jop.sagepub.com/content/20/6/860.abstract

I have done a great deal of research into this for people like you, and having talked to others it can work. So if you feel you have nothing to lose this is for sure the way to go. To get this simply tell your psychiatrist you are acutely suicidal and dont have time to wait for medications to kick in, or that you have tried other medications and they do not work for you. Its remarkably easy to get set up.

The last line of that abstract is: Clinical trials are needed to evaluate further the usefulness of ECT in this patient group.

The researchers haven't even proven it works yet.

Volunteering for ECT over something like this is absolutely absurd. Don't you know how ECT was invented? Butchers used ECT to "humanely" stun pigs about to be slaughtered. Google it. Some doctor decided to do it to humans and I've read tales of people who went through it. I'd say for every piece of literature saying ECT is a good thing, there is an equally compelling piece of literature saying how awful it is.

WhatsWrongWithMe, before undergoing CBT, did you tell the doctor's that MDMA caused this? The reason I ask is because it would prolly make a difference in how they treat you.

Honestly, I think what I would do is go to the nearest Emergency Room and tell the intake person what you are telling us AND that you are very suicidal. They will know what to do. Go ahead and stay over night but for god's sake, please DO NOT ask for Electro-Convulsive Therapy. It is cruel and will only erase your memory.

 

[neversickanymore]

good point Jerry.. also in the case of this particular study and not commenting on the tequnique in general as i know less than nothing about it.. Electroconvulsive therapy in the treatment of depression in a former ecstasy user.. I have no idea how the effects on ONE person are even worth writing up let alone publishing.


Hey WWWM.. sorry this has happened to you.. give yourself time to heal.. also I would do everthing you can to esxpediate this process.. Here are some ideas....

Neurodegenerative Diseases: Exercising Toward Neurogenesis and Neuroregeneration

Scholarly articles for exercise and neuroregeneration

A number of studies have linked meditation practice to differences in cortical thickness or density of gray matter. One of the most well-known studies to demonstrate this was led by Sara Lazar, from Harvard University, in 2000.[38] Richard Davidson, a neuroscientist at the University of Wisconsin, has led experiments in cooperation with the Dalai Lama on effects of meditation on the brain. His results suggest that long-term, or short-term practice of meditation results in different levels of activity in brain regions associated with such qualities as attention, anxiety, depression, fear, anger, the ability of the body to heal itself, and so on. These functional changes may be caused by changes in the physical structure of the brain from here

hang in there and research this and see what they know and implement it in your life.. check into some erection drugs to see if they can get you hard again.. expensive way to masterbate but having a good orgasm is worth it and they will be there for any partners you have.

 

[lalune]

Hello. Its never too late. I used to think the same thing too. the truth is, no matter how much you fucked up or hurt yourself, its never to late to realize that death isnt the answer (well granted you dont attempt :/)

youre going to have to wait some of those physical symptoms out. theyre not permanent. as for the anxiety, yes it has been proven that in suicidal people, anxiety is a high factor right before an attempt, living with anxiety and not being able to live life comfortably is hard! but i bet you a year from now some of those symptoms will be gone. i know you said you dont plan to do it until a year or two later, but in that time you can do so many things that you might not want to kill yourself anymore. In my opinion you should see proffessional help, not someone to hand you drugs, but someone who can properly figure out how to help you like a therapist or a psychologist. I also do recommend seeking some sort of medical attention due to your awful physical symptoms Its very problematic that you feel that death is the way out and I want you to know that depressive breakdown that you suffered leading to all this, will be able to be relieved. Take it from someone who has been through self depressive breakdowns and thought it was never going to change. But then again I dont know your life and when i was going through it all i would hate it when people say it will get better...it will only get better when you try your hardest, i think. But what do i know, i hope this helps you and i hope you tell someone because you deserve to live a beautiful and happy comfortable life

 

[Abject]

killing yourself because you've got a limp dick?

>snip<

 

[lapd]

Don't you get erections when you are with a girl? Because that's what matters. I also don't get morning wood after a course of AP's, moreover, I think my dick has shrunk a bit. But I still get excited when I'm with a girl, so maybe there's not so much to worr about.

 

[bloodshed344]

Don't you get erections when you are with a girl? Because that's what matters. I also don't get morning wood after a course of AP's, moreover, I think my dick has shrunk a bit. But I still get excited when I'm with a girl, so maybe there's not so much to worr about.

I can get an erection any time except when I am with a girl, so don't even bring that point up. It's not funny!

 

[First Bad Comedown]

Something made me check in tonight.
I hope you get this message.

Please know that I understand, probably better than anyone here, just what you are experiencing.
Allow me to rephrase the suicidal side of serotonin damage...

The type of emotional emptiness one feels when serotonin is literally cut off from the higher brain...
It is difficult to describe.

One would not expect suffering like this to exist.
Prior to the onset, you imagine suffering as pain, tears, anger.
Yet these things, these feelings are but fond memories now.

To truly feel pain as you once did, would be a great RELIEF.
To actually cry and feel the depth of sorrow once again would restore your sense of humanity.
Somehow it is the absence of these feelings that reveals to you a much greater form of suffering than you could have ever imagined.

Emptiness, in the truest sense, brings upon chaos.
Oblivion of the soul.

Here is what I would have said in the first six months after my brain damage from MDMA...
"I am already dead. A funeral should have been held for me months ago, because the person I am now is no longer the person I was before. Who I truly was is gone, forever. I am only a remnant of my former self and I have nothing to do but mourn the loss of myself."

Every day is like attending your own funeral.
Spiritually and mentally, you are already dead.
In this way, a physical death is not a frightening thought - no, it is a restoration of balance, a recognition of the true state of self.
And imagining death is actually common with severe depression from MDMA or with adverse reactions to SSRIs.

My grandfather died last year from Alzheimers.
By the time he was gone, I was unable to truly mourn his death due to lack of emotional function.
But long before this happened, as my recovery was just beginning....I became aware that my grandfather was already gone.
People often do not die suddenly as their bodies expire - they die, we die, in pieces.

Even for relatively healthy adults entering their elder years, much of who they were has eroded away.
As the brain shrinks and changes with age, the true self is no longer maintained as it was for decades before.
Senility and disease continually rob people of their identity, to the point that they are essentially gone long before their family has accepted it.
I was the first to see that my grandpa was no longer there, even though he ate dinner with us...and held strange conversations...and held my adorable daughter in his arms. He would smile at her and feel joy.

Her great-grandpa wasn't really there.
Only pieces of him.

Much more sad than this was the fact that her own father, me, believed he shared the fate of this dying man.
I was nearly certain for most of the first six months that I would never feel love the way I used to.
I even came to believe that brain damage from MDMA could be a degenerative brain disorder that leads to an inevitable demise.

I mourned myself.
And for good reason.

No matter what I say to assuage your fears about the future, you know the truth - in some way you have died.

I am hear to tell you that despite the truth of this - despite the fact that you may never truly be the same person...
There is something else.

Resurrection.

The pieces of you that persist through this torture will one day inherit something you do not have right now - opportunity.
As time passes, not in weeks but months and years, you will be gifted with the possibility of rebuilding yourself.

After two and a half years of constant change, I still must admit that I am not the same person.
And the more time that passes the more I accept this - I am not as smart or energetic or youthful as I once was.
But I am VERY glad that I set a two year limit upon my recovery before suicide was a true option.

That's right - I made a deal with myself that if after two years I still felt so completely empty, so dead, I would end my physical life and stop the suffering. It was fair, because by the time two years had passed I would have earned the right to give up.

It also happens to be the timeline in which most MDMA victims recover clinically.
Research paper after research paper agreed - even the worst cases of depression seemed to clear up within two years, with many resolving around one year.

I had a chance.

Despite the fact that I am forever changed, I find so much reason to live now it surprises me.
I spontaneously feel strong emotions like I used to - sometimes I manage to feel compassion and love for my wife and daughter that brings back memories of who I used to be.

Tears well up in my eyes at the thought of the long journey I have had to survive to reach this point.
Such feelings, such emotion, is proof to me that the brain can restore the basics of humanity with enough time.

And that includes my dick.

Readers just won't be able to understand this either.
Sexual dysfunction is MUCH more than lack of enjoyment or ability.
There is something unique about sex that indicates healthy overall brain function.
If you wonder into the PSSD group at SSRIsex in yahoo groups, you will find a group of former anti-depressant users that have NO sexual desire. Some of them can hardly feel their genitals, and even if they can make them function physically they can't get over just how HORRIBLE it is to not FEEL any pleasure.

I never had erection problems.
But I did have completely worthless bullshit orgasms - we are talking the most disappointing and enraging experience.
For most of the first year I was EXTREMELY angry about my lack of fulfillment from sex.
Visual stimuli wouldn't work most of the time, and the act itself might bring an odd form of pleasure only to be trashed by the ending.
And let me be clear: my wife is smoking hot.
And so were the two other women she watched me fuck that year.

There is a special kind of emptiness of the mind when such things fail to arouse a man's mind.
It is not simply depression - no, there is a very special dysfunction of mind that causes this to happen.

Your prefrontal cortex has been disconnected from the brain-wide network of serotonin transmission.
The result is catastrophic for your pituitary gland.

You are suffering from hyper-prolactinemia.
It is an onslaught of hormone being released into the bloodstream by the pituitary which down-regulates the dopamine receptors in the pleasure center of the brain, the nucleus acumbens.

This dysfunction of the pituitary is the primary cause of sexual dysfunction.
High prolactin is also the reason that MDMA kills the erection of some men.
While some of us can overcome this softness, even those of us that do still have to work a little harder to get it started.

Prolactin inhibits sexual function.
Only MDMA causes it to be a great thing.
But damage from either MDMA or SSRIs can cause ongoing long-term high prolactin levels.

Testing blood prolactin is not easy to do, as it fluctuates.
It is lowest in the mornings when serotonin transmission is lowest.
So sexual function is likely to be slightly better just after waking.
Once you get up and moving around your serotonin and prolactin both go up.

You must understand that for me, loss of sexuality preceded the severe depression.
It was the first warning sign that I did indeed have brain damage.

So how is my sexual function now?

This is a VERY important question for you to ask.
Because remember - sexuality is a consequence of healthy overall brain function.
It is an indication of proper serotonin transmission from the brainstem into the frontal lobes and all the way to the PFC.
As a result of this intricate wiring, the pituitary learns to release prolactin at just the right moment.
That means as orgasm begins, the surge of prolactin happens.

Yes, it shuts off the dopamine activity, but the timing of it also causes the dopamine to PEAK before falling off.
Its like one last powerful shove through the mind.
And long before orgasm, low prolactin is the cause of libido itself.
It is an essential part of being a man, and a human.

I have issued reports of improving and worsening sexual fulfillment throughout my recovery.
Time and again I have said - "things are getting better, BUT..."

It seems that after all this time, my prayers may be answered.
In the last four months I can honestly report a significant improvement in the experience of sex and orgasm.
Some of these orgasms leave me dizzy, staring at my dick like "WHAT THE FUCK?" - just amazed at the return of my powerful pleasure waves.

The fact that these great Os are becoming common over a period of MONTHS....
This is new stuff for me. This is real reason to hope.
After more than two years I finally feel like this will stabilize in a very favorable way.
It wasn't long ago that I found myself in strip clubs with my hot wife, fighting back tears because I was so empty and in-human.

Here I am, rebuilding my humanity. My man-hood.

I don't mind telling these personal details, because they are important.
Only a person with hyper-prolactinemia can really understand - there is something psychotic about not being able to feel your dick.

Some people on SSRIs do indeed experience complete sexual dysfunction.
Some of them kills themselves in very violent ways.
Some of them go on to commit the worst mass-shootings we have seen in the news.

Damage to the higher brain's serotonin network is an extremely dangerous event.
It is life shattering.

You, my friend, are not 'weak'.
In fact you are a far stronger than most people here.
What you are forced to live through now would cripple every single man or woman on bluelight.
You are a soldier and you simply have PTSD.

The trauma will pass.
In a few months you will start to feel different.
The suffering will lessen.

Your mind might begin to change in other ways.
Thinking, learning, paying attention - these things all got harder for me around the one year mark.
But the depression got MUCH better.

By year two I was pretty stable mentally.
But the improvements in depression just kept coming.

If you can't live with it anymore, ECT is indeed the ONLY treatment that I believe has the potential to work.
Find a hospital that uses the treatment and tell them that you are suicidal and will consent to no other form of treatment.
Do not kill yourself before getting zapped.
How I wish I had zapped myself early on - I really believe I would have cheated my way out of this horrible process.

But if you wait a few more months you are unlikely to desire suicide, or ECT, very much.
Your pituitary will slowly start to calm itself down.
You will find reason to live.

Leave the meds alone.
Do not get on any SSRI.
Lithium is the only way they typically work for people like us anyways, so go for the lithium alone.

Say this out loud, "I will be OK."

The only thing wrong with that statement is the pronoun.
"I" is no longer accurate.

You are changing into somebody else.
That person will be very similar in many ways, but for a while at least you will be a different person.
But that new person will actually BE OK.
I promise.

I know.

 

[xxxyakinikuxxx]

FBC, I have to say your posts are like gospel to somebody going through this like myself. You're leaving a trail of recovery behind that, as you have noted, is nearly impossible to find anywhere else on the web-let alone in the field of medicine.

That said, I have followed nearly every ecstasy/mdma damage-related thread on BL and I have noticed a trend I feel is worth stating.

There seem to be two groups of mdma sufferers; one suffering transcient damage/disruption(the larger one), and another suffering more permanent, soul-erasing damage(the smaller one).

I, unfortunately, find myself among the latter but am worried that others (through increased anxiety/depression) may unwittingly place themselves here, before properly understanding their situation.

This is where I believe a lot of the misunderstanding/lack of understanding on BL arises from. The tendency to equate other's experiences with their own.

I remember desperately looking for recovery threads those first few months. I was 'psychotic' in my pursuit. But sure enough I found a few. I remember reading dawglaw's posts and feeling temporary relief that I too would soon be saved. As I read more, I found the discrepancies.

He mentioned going out drinking with his friends as a source of repreive. If I drank alcohol, on the other hand, it left me feeling sick without any associated mood lift. It was a far cry from the effects of alcohol I had grown to know and love up until then. Clue no. 1 that I was suffering from something quite different than he.

Another striking difference was that after about the first 4-5 months of intense anxiety/depression (which might I add was unlike any anxiety/depression I had ever felt before; yet another clue), these lifted leaving an emptiness that could accurately be described as 'loss of self'.

The one thing this allowed was the ability to look back at my life in an incredibly sterile, objective way. I realized I had been suffering from a mild/moderate form of anxiety and depression for much of my adulthood and that this was what caused many of the bad decisions I had made-mdma binge included. More simply stated, I had developed an unhealthy worldview that only became evident to me after I lost the emotions associated with/created by this worldview.

This is getting long so I'll be more to the point. WWWM, figure out where you stand and I think you'll realize you have a lot more options than you thought. And even if you find yourself in the more damaged group, as FBC has said there is hope and improvement as long as you choose to keep fighting.

To FBC, thanks again for your posts. You give encouragement, support, and information to far more people than I'm sure you are aware.

WWWM, one more thing. I think it's a good sign you're mostly complaining about your dick. As described by FBC, the 'death of oneself' is far more disturbing than the inability to get a boner. Consider yourself lucky. I think you're gonna be all right.

 

[crazycatman]

Don't kill yourself. I understand that you are suffering, but look at it like this. If you kill yourself your last memories will be of your own suffering, you will cause suffering to the people you love/that love you. But if you don't kill yourself there is still a chance that you will eventually feel better, lots of neurological problems take a long time to improve and 7 months isn't that long. For example people that were addicted to benzos for a long time can take years to get back to normal. There is also chance that some new treatments that will help you will become available eventually. You can also use your life to try and prevent others from suffering a similar fate at the hand of various drugs.
And besides all of us will die soon enough, why rush it and end life on a bad note when there is still a chance that your condition will improve, that you will help others with similar problems, ...