I decided to start this thread after relapsing--yet again--during my ongoing try at quitting heroin.
In many recovery circles (especially 12-step fellowships, though it extends more broadly), counting clean time is a common practice. For the uninitiated, by "counting clean time", I mean the practice of enumerating how many days, weeks, months, years, whatever, have elapsed since the last time a recovering addict used. So, if I shot heroin yesterday, I'm currently on Day 1 of recovery. Likewise, in a week, I'll have 7 days of clean time. On January 2, 2018 I'll have a year of time. Simple.
In this thread, I hoped SL folks could bat around ideas related to this custom. Issues that I in particular would like to discuss (though of course, let's wander some) include:
* In what ways is counting time helpful? In what ways is it harmful to recovery?
For the longest time I found counting time counterproductive and distasteful. I think this has always had a lot to do with the inadequacy in my mind of the kind of "sobriety" that is valued in most twelve step circles of the common abstinence-only kind. IME true sobriety is much more naunce than merely achieving or maintain abstinence - it is about quality of life and all that entailed for different individuals living different lives, than then simply whether you or not you chose to engage in substance use.
Only for the most extreme of substance use disorders does it become a black and white, life or death dilemma whether or not to use. Most people who struggle with substance use disorder fall into the "less severe" (though no less significant) categories of mild to moderate substance use disorder. I'm not advocating everyone practice moderation based techniques, but rather that it is a very, very individual choice specific to each individual's circumstances and goals.
But back to your question, most people I see counting days, particularly people earlier in recovery or coming out of a lapse or relapse (BTW from what I know of your situation I'd argue you lapsed, not relapse, though I don't really know enough of what happened with your most recent use to be able to say with any kind of confident certainty), are likely to lapse or relapse in the future - often a significant number of time.
I have long felt that counting days before you have any substantial time is counter productive because it can easily lend itself to a sense of failure in having to start all over at zero after any substance use (at least for those who preach a strict abstinence-only model, which would be those in twelve step circles). And even when you do have a lot of clean time, it is likewise counter productive to get to fixated on your time or locating any significant sense of self worth in your accumulated clean time simply for the pragmatic reason that, should the worst happen and you end up relapsing, it will make it that much more shameful and difficult to come back from.
Perhaps most importantly, the notion that someone is starting over from zero baffles and frustrates me from no end. Just because someone lapsed or relapsed, even if they totally crashed and burned, absolutely does not indicate they didn't learn a lot both prior to their episode of use OR from the actual episode. The idea that you someone lost what you gained during your prior sobriety and haven't gained anything from the so called "failure" of slide back into substance use is disheartening, depressing and demoralizing.
Now, with years of abstinence from my drugs of choice (opioids), I find that reflecting on the time I have successfully been able to focus my energies on healthier pursuits to be encouraging. Like, "Holy fuck I can really do this," kind of feeling. Especially considering I was in a place for a long time where I assumed I'd never be able to enjoy living life with the aid of exogenous endorphins. But that is it, I don't take the counting time thing to seriously for the above reasons.
* To what extent--and in what ways--have you used tallying clean time in your own recovery? For example, are you super strict about clean time?
Or have you found it OK to, say, count time with respect to your drug of choice, while allowing the clock to continue even if you use other
drugs?
I have tried doing it the abstinence-way I described above, strictly counting each day without using any "mind altering substance" (a silly distinction, considering the way the abstinence-only community does like to think of stuff like nicotine, caffeine or sugar as mind altering when they are no less so than heroin or cocaine).
I have also simply not counting time at all, though at best I found not thinking about how long it had been since I used my DOC, or any substance for that matter, next to impossible - especially in early recovery or after a recent use. Furthermore, ignoring clean time wasn't appreciatively better than focusing on it explicitly, even in a strict kind of way (although as I said, doing so got progressively more demoralizing after each new episode of use).
I ended up finding that being mindful of clean time for particular substance and behaviors based upon the severity of their impact on my life to be the most help. For instance, heroin and theft are two things I have a strict definition of abstinence for. Other things like not showing up for appointments (without a good reason) or using benzodiazepines I have a less strict but still serious consideration for abstinence with (I have never had moderate or severe issues with gabaergic substance use, BTW - if I had they would be in the same category as heroin).
For things like entheogens, sex and cannabis, I remain mindful of the impact they have on my wellbeing, but do not consider myself any less abstinent (from the things that I have struggled with) if I engage with them. After all, they aren't heroin or even illegal in most cases (given how I engage with them and where I live; the only exception would be things like the legality of LSD, MDMA, mushrooms, mescaline, DMT, etc, but I am very careful about that).
I'm a harm reduction junkie through and through. When it comes to the relationship and need for between abstinence and sobriety, I am all about analyzing the harm my choices and behavior potentially might have on my wellbeing.
* If there
is any value in counting time, how can a person in recovery maximize the benefit of counting? In other words, what are some ways of
balancing clean time among other issues we think about during recovery?
I think it is important to remember that what is important is what works for you. I think you have a pretty good idea about this buy now, given your wealth of experience in the field. We all have different goals, more so when we are at different places in our growth and recovery. What is important is focusing on identifying meaningful yet realistic and achievable goals and meeting yourself wherever you're at. Ultimate counting time, especially in early recovery or after an episode of substance use, is of limited value when compared to other pursuits of recovery (such as the "little" things most of us struggle with, like eating healthy, getting enough sleep, taking care of your mental health, pursing stable, healthy interpersonal relationships, pursuing your passions and meaning generally in life outside mere substance use (or abstinence) related issues, etc. etc.).
* Can you think of ways to measure progress in recovery other than clean time that might be more helpful for people?
I think the model I proposed above, for how I count my time and think of the way I maintain abstinence, is far more helpful than a black and white, abstinence-only, strict all or nothing model like that pushed in twelve step culture as I have experienced it. Granted there are many diverse voices within that community and, while it's unfortunate I have had such a distaste set of experience with them, the loudest and most vocal opinions focus on promoting the strict abstinence-only model. Taking a more nuanced, less narrow minded approach to recovery vis a vis sobriety vs. abstinence seems itself to cause less harm and lead to more self compassion than the alternative. Plus, best of all, one can tailor the model I propose to their individual needs.
The abstinence-only model ultimately fails in my eyes because it, at best, struggles to take the individual needs of a very diverse set of people (substance users) into account, ending up leading with individuals promoting to cookie cutter approach to recovery that doesn't necessarily serve the needs of those they are attempting to help. After all, you know how they like to say about the "selfish" nature of the program:that sponsors and people who do service work in AA and NA aren't doing it for their sponsees or the folks they provide services for, they're doing it for themselves.
These prompts are just ideas. Please post to your heart's content. Mostly, I just find the topic really perplexing, and am hoping that some of you good souls can help me (and hopefully others in recovery) find some clarity.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
