So two days ago I have had the pleasure of accidentally ingesting what I believe to have been as much as 5mg-10mg of DOC and experienced a most colorful, delightful and unusual, while also very frightening journey through the darkest corners of my soul. What used to be godly, magical, pure peace and serenity, now felt like it unleashed pure evil upon my heart, inflating my ego to previously unknown size. It showed me a different form of truth complementary to that I am used to with psychedelics. I am as certain as ever that it was doc what I had, but the amount has to be estimated by the subjective intensity of the experience alone. of for sure it was very clean doc.
I should add that I am a very experienced psychedelics user, but aside from a recent accidental 2c-e dose (ended up puking the whole nye afternoon, it was magical :D) and some relatively frequent low dose dmt dosing for the past few months I have not ingested any psychedelics since 2006 I think. That being said, 5-10mg is a whopping dose and I've only ever gone up to 6mg before this, with a tolerance back then...
I started ingesting the substance around 1pm and probably ingested the last bit and also the largest part around 10pm. It had then been apparent I was under the influence for a while, I had a friend over who himself does not take any drugs aside from an occasional beer. My constant outburts into laughter were hard to overlook. He left around 1pm and by then the open eye visuals were very apparent and while I was truely enjoying myself, I had also been very angry for the entire day ever since waking up.
Angry at people who have lately close to me, though clearly not friends in that sense even if they might themselves perceive them as such. Angry at not getting enough respect for my task as a father of a 2.5 year old daughter who has redefined what is love to me and is starting to give meaning to life. Angry at having my life energy sucked from me by the leeches around me who are attracted by my immensely hospitable and self critical ways. I woke up to seeing how my self worth has been diminished to zero by 3 years of dysfunctionl relationship and the 13 year downward spiral my addiction has been, an addiction to being in an altered state, to control, enhance and attenuate how I feel at every time of the day.
I can not exactly tell why I have changed so much since the pregnancy of my daughter's mother, but I have ended up as a shadow of my former self, feeling alienated, a social imbecile, unpopular and even hated. It might have been the speed induced hypomanic state, my loss of 25kg body mass throughout a few years, the cannabis, a biological process induced by fatherhood itself, pure loneliness, the torture of my former relationship, I have no idea.
The rage started the morning of the trip and I had been trying to bring myself down to get some sleep with strong hash, also had two beers and 2mg Lorazepam, a half tab of olanzapine, but the stimulation would not even out, but instead it became stronger and stronger until at 3am I experienced fractal vision and a lot of confusion. I somehow managed to watch a movie before this (Our Idiot Brother, :D) and now hat I realize I only had 11h left to pick up my daughter. My vision was very distorted, very colorful, not so many tracers, but rather full on multi layered shifting and transparency of my surroundings, I had a lot of difficulty rolling joints, but I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Time put pressure onto me, so I decided since benzos weren't avilable anymore, more olanazapine would have knocked me out too long for past when the doc wears off, pot didn't do shit and booze wasn't there either, I would snort some Ketamine, 200mg of this s isomer will knock me flat out for the night. I had prepared such a dose a day earlier and it was possible to lay it out.
After snorting this, I remember eating some very sour candy and chocolate, thinking about how that could be a bad idea. I also remember looking into the mirror and seeing my eyes become fragmented in a kaleidoscopic manner, until there were countless eyes moving about in an intricate pattern, splitting and shifting room into countless bits and pieces. The last thought I precisy remember was "Now you fucked up big time."
I must have fought my way back into my bed where I awoke at 6am. Opening my eyes, panic swept over me. Where am I?! The room was swirling about all around me and I could only see an ocean of color, alive with movement, birds flying through the room and singing the most wonderful melodies, my room covered by clouds of glittering orange smoke which were broken through by sharper contrasted rays of blue and bright green light. I could not make out what was close and what was far from me, what the god awful smell was or why my face felt a thousand years old, but I knew I had to pray this would pass in time for me to pick up my daughter. 8h left.
I managed to stand up about 2h later after having gathered myself back in what seemed to be plain 3-dimensional room, I stood up to realize that my face, my hair and my beard were crusted with a thick layer of vomit. I remembered the last thought I had been able to experience before passing out for over 2h, when I saw that my pc and my cell phone as well as my glasses were also covered in dry chocolaty vomit. I lay back into bed immediately and after 90minutes or so I managed to gather the courage of starting the cleanup. By 1pm, my body hurting from head to toe, the entire flat had been vacuumed, scrubbed and desinfected, my textiles either dumped into the trash outside or being washed in the laundry room.
The entire time since firt standing up I felt the rage again. I felt the desire to take revenge on the world, to come back to my former size, to strengthen and heal myself, to scrub off all the leeches, all bloodsuckers and asslickers, I felt the power of anger streaming through every fiber of my body. I shall unleash chaos and destruction upon this world and turned myself into what seemed like a demon, a pure evil that had been lurking in the dark for years waiting to get out. When I picked up half finished joints and pot to hide it away I was disgusted by the smell of drugs (I smoked again by now :D) and could not bring myself to either ingest opioids or amphetamine (as I hadn't on the day before either).
The only peace my mind came to was when it realized the scared cat in the hallway after first stumbling out to get laundry done. The cat looked scared to death and despite never having been a big cats person, I managed to take it up onto my shoulders where it clinged onto me as if her last hour of life had come. She came into my appartment, but eventually jumped off my shoulders and vanished. I thoguth she must've left through the door and decided it would be best if she finds a quick death under the wheels of a truck. We have had a bird fly away once before and kept dogs all throughout my life. I remember feeling the greatest sense of peace when the bird flew out one day. Fortunately, an hour ago which means almost two days later, the cat appeared back from under my bed where it had hidden in silence for a day. I had felt bed ever since I saw the face of her owner who had bursted into tears upon the realization that the cat has left her flat.
The rage was not exactly caused by the trip but had appeared beforehand, therefore being the trip's central theme. I later left the house to feel my newly gained strength illuminate my surroundings, to send off rays of raw primal force into the eyes of people passing by, my coordination was back and I felt like smashing the next persons face with the bottle in my hand. It felt exactly as if loads of testosterone and dopamine were flooding my body, at the same time I felt a peace and calm that swept over me like 50mg clorazepat, a huge relief, I at the same time felt like waking up from a bad dream and came to rest in reality. I could see clearly again. When I saw my daughters eyes glitter from pure joy upon my sight, I immediately burst into tears upon her warm embrace, her tiny head laying upon my shoulders and her soft lips kissing my cheek. And so I saw the pain and the hardships ahead with the same clarity, but with a new found optimism.
This felt like one of the most potentially empowering psychedelic journeys of my life, despite having ventured deep into hidden corners of my subconsciousness with and without drugs for years, finally having experienced a ++++ in 2006 on dmt and ketamine and finally ending my urge to explore the new, slowly giving way to an urge to enhance my performance, absorb my pain, strip me from the conscious experience of desire to be loved and allow me to sleep.
I have also made sure to contact 3 of my closest and oldest friends and tell them how much I appreciate their being there for me and promised that I will end letting myself be sucked into this vortex of self destruction, exposing myself to the forces of nature like the victim I have turned myself into, paralyzed from fear and weakness.
Thank you for listening, I hope you enjoyed the insight into how strongly the tone of a psychedelic exprience can vary. I don't think psychedelics will ever cease to surprise me, even if I am not eager to use them anymore.
I should add that I am a very experienced psychedelics user, but aside from a recent accidental 2c-e dose (ended up puking the whole nye afternoon, it was magical :D) and some relatively frequent low dose dmt dosing for the past few months I have not ingested any psychedelics since 2006 I think. That being said, 5-10mg is a whopping dose and I've only ever gone up to 6mg before this, with a tolerance back then...
I started ingesting the substance around 1pm and probably ingested the last bit and also the largest part around 10pm. It had then been apparent I was under the influence for a while, I had a friend over who himself does not take any drugs aside from an occasional beer. My constant outburts into laughter were hard to overlook. He left around 1pm and by then the open eye visuals were very apparent and while I was truely enjoying myself, I had also been very angry for the entire day ever since waking up.
Angry at people who have lately close to me, though clearly not friends in that sense even if they might themselves perceive them as such. Angry at not getting enough respect for my task as a father of a 2.5 year old daughter who has redefined what is love to me and is starting to give meaning to life. Angry at having my life energy sucked from me by the leeches around me who are attracted by my immensely hospitable and self critical ways. I woke up to seeing how my self worth has been diminished to zero by 3 years of dysfunctionl relationship and the 13 year downward spiral my addiction has been, an addiction to being in an altered state, to control, enhance and attenuate how I feel at every time of the day.
I can not exactly tell why I have changed so much since the pregnancy of my daughter's mother, but I have ended up as a shadow of my former self, feeling alienated, a social imbecile, unpopular and even hated. It might have been the speed induced hypomanic state, my loss of 25kg body mass throughout a few years, the cannabis, a biological process induced by fatherhood itself, pure loneliness, the torture of my former relationship, I have no idea.
The rage started the morning of the trip and I had been trying to bring myself down to get some sleep with strong hash, also had two beers and 2mg Lorazepam, a half tab of olanzapine, but the stimulation would not even out, but instead it became stronger and stronger until at 3am I experienced fractal vision and a lot of confusion. I somehow managed to watch a movie before this (Our Idiot Brother, :D) and now hat I realize I only had 11h left to pick up my daughter. My vision was very distorted, very colorful, not so many tracers, but rather full on multi layered shifting and transparency of my surroundings, I had a lot of difficulty rolling joints, but I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Time put pressure onto me, so I decided since benzos weren't avilable anymore, more olanazapine would have knocked me out too long for past when the doc wears off, pot didn't do shit and booze wasn't there either, I would snort some Ketamine, 200mg of this s isomer will knock me flat out for the night. I had prepared such a dose a day earlier and it was possible to lay it out.
After snorting this, I remember eating some very sour candy and chocolate, thinking about how that could be a bad idea. I also remember looking into the mirror and seeing my eyes become fragmented in a kaleidoscopic manner, until there were countless eyes moving about in an intricate pattern, splitting and shifting room into countless bits and pieces. The last thought I precisy remember was "Now you fucked up big time."
I must have fought my way back into my bed where I awoke at 6am. Opening my eyes, panic swept over me. Where am I?! The room was swirling about all around me and I could only see an ocean of color, alive with movement, birds flying through the room and singing the most wonderful melodies, my room covered by clouds of glittering orange smoke which were broken through by sharper contrasted rays of blue and bright green light. I could not make out what was close and what was far from me, what the god awful smell was or why my face felt a thousand years old, but I knew I had to pray this would pass in time for me to pick up my daughter. 8h left.
I managed to stand up about 2h later after having gathered myself back in what seemed to be plain 3-dimensional room, I stood up to realize that my face, my hair and my beard were crusted with a thick layer of vomit. I remembered the last thought I had been able to experience before passing out for over 2h, when I saw that my pc and my cell phone as well as my glasses were also covered in dry chocolaty vomit. I lay back into bed immediately and after 90minutes or so I managed to gather the courage of starting the cleanup. By 1pm, my body hurting from head to toe, the entire flat had been vacuumed, scrubbed and desinfected, my textiles either dumped into the trash outside or being washed in the laundry room.
The entire time since firt standing up I felt the rage again. I felt the desire to take revenge on the world, to come back to my former size, to strengthen and heal myself, to scrub off all the leeches, all bloodsuckers and asslickers, I felt the power of anger streaming through every fiber of my body. I shall unleash chaos and destruction upon this world and turned myself into what seemed like a demon, a pure evil that had been lurking in the dark for years waiting to get out. When I picked up half finished joints and pot to hide it away I was disgusted by the smell of drugs (I smoked again by now :D) and could not bring myself to either ingest opioids or amphetamine (as I hadn't on the day before either).
The only peace my mind came to was when it realized the scared cat in the hallway after first stumbling out to get laundry done. The cat looked scared to death and despite never having been a big cats person, I managed to take it up onto my shoulders where it clinged onto me as if her last hour of life had come. She came into my appartment, but eventually jumped off my shoulders and vanished. I thoguth she must've left through the door and decided it would be best if she finds a quick death under the wheels of a truck. We have had a bird fly away once before and kept dogs all throughout my life. I remember feeling the greatest sense of peace when the bird flew out one day. Fortunately, an hour ago which means almost two days later, the cat appeared back from under my bed where it had hidden in silence for a day. I had felt bed ever since I saw the face of her owner who had bursted into tears upon the realization that the cat has left her flat.
The rage was not exactly caused by the trip but had appeared beforehand, therefore being the trip's central theme. I later left the house to feel my newly gained strength illuminate my surroundings, to send off rays of raw primal force into the eyes of people passing by, my coordination was back and I felt like smashing the next persons face with the bottle in my hand. It felt exactly as if loads of testosterone and dopamine were flooding my body, at the same time I felt a peace and calm that swept over me like 50mg clorazepat, a huge relief, I at the same time felt like waking up from a bad dream and came to rest in reality. I could see clearly again. When I saw my daughters eyes glitter from pure joy upon my sight, I immediately burst into tears upon her warm embrace, her tiny head laying upon my shoulders and her soft lips kissing my cheek. And so I saw the pain and the hardships ahead with the same clarity, but with a new found optimism.
This felt like one of the most potentially empowering psychedelic journeys of my life, despite having ventured deep into hidden corners of my subconsciousness with and without drugs for years, finally having experienced a ++++ in 2006 on dmt and ketamine and finally ending my urge to explore the new, slowly giving way to an urge to enhance my performance, absorb my pain, strip me from the conscious experience of desire to be loved and allow me to sleep.
I have also made sure to contact 3 of my closest and oldest friends and tell them how much I appreciate their being there for me and promised that I will end letting myself be sucked into this vortex of self destruction, exposing myself to the forces of nature like the victim I have turned myself into, paralyzed from fear and weakness.
Thank you for listening, I hope you enjoyed the insight into how strongly the tone of a psychedelic exprience can vary. I don't think psychedelics will ever cease to surprise me, even if I am not eager to use them anymore.
