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Hi, 37 yo. Female. I had tubal ligation (cautery) 14 yrs. ago. I was married and my husband was a severe alcoholic when it was done and up until 6 years ago. After him, I jumped into a relationship with another man. Never used protection as we were monogamous but I never got pregnant. We split up about 8 months ago and I have been seeing someone new. We (stupidly) decided that since he was older, responsible, and was able to prove to me that he was STD free with recent medical documentation, that we needn't use condoms or other forms of protection. I had after all been pregnancy-free and having very regular periods for 14 years. The thought of pregnancy never really crossed my mind to be perfectly honest.
Recently my sister-in-law fell pregnant. This facts relevancy will become clear in a moment. I was telling her about my last period, which was almost a week late and very, very light and lasted only 1 1/2 days. To my horror she told me that's exactly what her last "period" was like and the dr. Said it was implantation bleeding, not her period. Oh-oh! Alarm bells. I decided it was not that big of a deal, I am getting older and soon will be having pre-menopausal symptoms and abnormal periods are not all that uncommon. I laughed it off and forgot about it, until later.
A week went by and it had left my mind. This evening we had a chat (sister-in-law and I) and ate cheese and crackers and while eating I happened to mention that food tastes very strong to me lately. The crackers seemed extremely salty to me. When I mentioned this, not one of the 4 other people present agreed with me. To them, the crackers were normal and not overly or unusually salty. She kind of raised her eyebrows but said nothing, and it didn't click with me right away. Later, when I took a shower before bed, I noticed my breasts were very tender and it dawned on me that about a week before my "period" I had mentiond to my new boyfriend that I was sure my period was about to start because I had severe abdominal cramps. They only lasted for a few hours, but looking back, it may actually be significant. Now, thinking of all these things, I'm beginning to grow concerned.
Now, my question is, how likely is it that I could be pregnant? Am I just psyching myself up? Coincidence? I hope so. My youngest son is 14 1/2 and I am broke, single, extremely and chronically depressed, and a recovering (often relapsing) heroin/opiate addict and take Suboxone on a regular basis. I would never wish to bring a child into the world to face life with me as a mother. It's bad enough my older children have been burdened with me as their only parent and role model, never mind a new innocent life. On top of that, the poor child would be born sick, physically dependent, and have a very sad and difficult start to life. That's not fair either. It would break my heart, not that the other options don't reduce me to tears to consider.
I wasn't always this depressed, I wasn't always an addict, and my children know nothing about my addiction. I know that kids are very intuitive, and they must know something is amiss, but not exactly what. That in no way makes it OK, but I do my absolute best to be a strong role model and a good, health parent for them, the best I know how. Luckily and thankfully they are all healthy, happy, well-adjusted individuals on their ways to bright futures, by the grace of God, but I just do not have it in me to start over. It would kill me. I would dive so deep into depression I am sure my suicidal ideations would come to fruition. The only reason they haven't thus far is for my children's sake. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't be here today, but the guilt of bringing another life into my world of bleakness and misery would be too much to bear. Abortion, whether surgically or medicinally would, in my opinion, be the lesser of evils. Sadly.
I would want to have an abortion immediately. I know this will likely be controversial but it's the truth. I just hate myself for thinking that way. I cringe thinking about taking the life of an innocent baby but I cannot in good conscious bring a child into the world and know that his/her future would be lived in adoption or foster homes. I have see first-hand some of the horror that can be found in those situations and I actually think that abortion is the less-cruel option in most cases. I know that there are many living and caring adoptive and foster parents but for me, the bad apples have spoiled the pie.
A lot of this post has turned into rambling and most of the information is irrelevant, I just couldn't stop typing one I started. I guess I had to get it off my chest. Please, I have googled it but it's all factual. I am looking for insight, opinion, and experiences that either support or disprove the possibility of pregnancy for me. I intend to test first thing Friday morning (36 hrs. From now) and will update this as soon as the results are in. Until then, I'd love to hear what you think. I also know that if I could be pregnant the chances of it being ectopic and either spontaneously aborted or abortion would be medically necessary. There is also the chance that it could be implanted properly in the uterus, and that would be the situation I'm talking about. Slim chance, sure, but still possible.
Please do not bash me, I know that all of my choices and decisions are morally wrong, I am in agony knowing that my options are the ones listed above. I am not looking for persuasion or preaching. Your opinions on the matters of abortion, adoption, etc. are valid, I'm just more interested in your thoughts on the pregnancy possibility and to either ease my mind or help me come to terms with the possibility of pregnancy before I take the test and have to possibly face that decision.
I am usually not prone to hysteria. I'm normally very rational and employee evidence-based thinking. I am human though and my mental illnesses could be a contributing factor to my worries, I'm sure. I just want to try to mentally prepare myself for the worst possible outcome before I'm faced with it. You thoughts, opinions, and experiences will help me see that it's either so out in left-field that I need not worry, or that the possibility is real and I should come to terms with it as soon as I can. Please, no lectures or criticism, I already know how fucked-up I am and how badly I fucked-up. Be gentle.
*moderators....please feel free to move this post wherever you feel it would fit best*
.
Recently my sister-in-law fell pregnant. This facts relevancy will become clear in a moment. I was telling her about my last period, which was almost a week late and very, very light and lasted only 1 1/2 days. To my horror she told me that's exactly what her last "period" was like and the dr. Said it was implantation bleeding, not her period. Oh-oh! Alarm bells. I decided it was not that big of a deal, I am getting older and soon will be having pre-menopausal symptoms and abnormal periods are not all that uncommon. I laughed it off and forgot about it, until later.
A week went by and it had left my mind. This evening we had a chat (sister-in-law and I) and ate cheese and crackers and while eating I happened to mention that food tastes very strong to me lately. The crackers seemed extremely salty to me. When I mentioned this, not one of the 4 other people present agreed with me. To them, the crackers were normal and not overly or unusually salty. She kind of raised her eyebrows but said nothing, and it didn't click with me right away. Later, when I took a shower before bed, I noticed my breasts were very tender and it dawned on me that about a week before my "period" I had mentiond to my new boyfriend that I was sure my period was about to start because I had severe abdominal cramps. They only lasted for a few hours, but looking back, it may actually be significant. Now, thinking of all these things, I'm beginning to grow concerned.
Now, my question is, how likely is it that I could be pregnant? Am I just psyching myself up? Coincidence? I hope so. My youngest son is 14 1/2 and I am broke, single, extremely and chronically depressed, and a recovering (often relapsing) heroin/opiate addict and take Suboxone on a regular basis. I would never wish to bring a child into the world to face life with me as a mother. It's bad enough my older children have been burdened with me as their only parent and role model, never mind a new innocent life. On top of that, the poor child would be born sick, physically dependent, and have a very sad and difficult start to life. That's not fair either. It would break my heart, not that the other options don't reduce me to tears to consider.
I wasn't always this depressed, I wasn't always an addict, and my children know nothing about my addiction. I know that kids are very intuitive, and they must know something is amiss, but not exactly what. That in no way makes it OK, but I do my absolute best to be a strong role model and a good, health parent for them, the best I know how. Luckily and thankfully they are all healthy, happy, well-adjusted individuals on their ways to bright futures, by the grace of God, but I just do not have it in me to start over. It would kill me. I would dive so deep into depression I am sure my suicidal ideations would come to fruition. The only reason they haven't thus far is for my children's sake. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't be here today, but the guilt of bringing another life into my world of bleakness and misery would be too much to bear. Abortion, whether surgically or medicinally would, in my opinion, be the lesser of evils. Sadly.
I would want to have an abortion immediately. I know this will likely be controversial but it's the truth. I just hate myself for thinking that way. I cringe thinking about taking the life of an innocent baby but I cannot in good conscious bring a child into the world and know that his/her future would be lived in adoption or foster homes. I have see first-hand some of the horror that can be found in those situations and I actually think that abortion is the less-cruel option in most cases. I know that there are many living and caring adoptive and foster parents but for me, the bad apples have spoiled the pie.
A lot of this post has turned into rambling and most of the information is irrelevant, I just couldn't stop typing one I started. I guess I had to get it off my chest. Please, I have googled it but it's all factual. I am looking for insight, opinion, and experiences that either support or disprove the possibility of pregnancy for me. I intend to test first thing Friday morning (36 hrs. From now) and will update this as soon as the results are in. Until then, I'd love to hear what you think. I also know that if I could be pregnant the chances of it being ectopic and either spontaneously aborted or abortion would be medically necessary. There is also the chance that it could be implanted properly in the uterus, and that would be the situation I'm talking about. Slim chance, sure, but still possible.
Please do not bash me, I know that all of my choices and decisions are morally wrong, I am in agony knowing that my options are the ones listed above. I am not looking for persuasion or preaching. Your opinions on the matters of abortion, adoption, etc. are valid, I'm just more interested in your thoughts on the pregnancy possibility and to either ease my mind or help me come to terms with the possibility of pregnancy before I take the test and have to possibly face that decision.
I am usually not prone to hysteria. I'm normally very rational and employee evidence-based thinking. I am human though and my mental illnesses could be a contributing factor to my worries, I'm sure. I just want to try to mentally prepare myself for the worst possible outcome before I'm faced with it. You thoughts, opinions, and experiences will help me see that it's either so out in left-field that I need not worry, or that the possibility is real and I should come to terms with it as soon as I can. Please, no lectures or criticism, I already know how fucked-up I am and how badly I fucked-up. Be gentle.
*moderators....please feel free to move this post wherever you feel it would fit best*
.
