shellybabe
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 24, 2011
- Messages
- 38
So, I posted this as response when I was asking very detailed questions about drugs. I thought it may be of some help to someone to read how it is possible to come out of a place that harms you and still learn to really enjoy the times that you do decide to party. This is not going to be very everyone, so please do not blast me in anyway. I know addictions are hard and if you read my ending, you can see how it has affected my life. But people can change, and they can stop hurting, I never knew I would or could, but I did and your brain is awlays more powerful than any drug! So here is my story on harm reduction. The worst part of any hangover is not the chemical affect, is feeling bad or guilty and the worse person to put you down is yourself...and all the fun I had, it always had some way of making me feel bad about myself
I used to be cocaine weekend warrior for 2 years about 2 years ago. I was a heavy drinker since I have been a teen, alcohol was always my drug of choice and I drank hardcore, i was well known for my drinking, people loved hanging out when I drank there it was always an adventure, then when I started adding blow in my late 20's it made me wild and crazy fun, loved it! We would hang our forever with my friends (always people I knew, good friends to this day) and I fell in love with coke. I had access to coke or a bar or a party with my friends 24/7, footsteps from my front door, and I ran with it.I knew I was standing on the tipping point, I was partying every weekend, I was just going until I culd not go anymore. There was no cahnce Friday was coming around and the gang wouldnt be up doing blow until the last possible minute, and that meant someone finally had to leave and between the group, no one ever wanted to leave. It was fun, until we were at our jobs or at home by yourself hurting emotinally and physically for days. I was standing there oin A sunday morning in my house with my friends and the sun came up, and I said this is it. I have to go, I told my friends this was our last day have fun, I gotta go. So I decided to move a few neighborhoods away closer to my fiance, I had this done in under a week. There was no more waiting. I didn't want that for my life anymore, but of course I still did and missed it. They were some of the best times I had and we really were a group that with or without drugs cared about each other, but we also liked to get fucked up. We are all still friends, some are still where I left them and I love them and hope they wake up, I make an effort to tell them I worry, but I don;t push, you can't help anyone but yourself. I just try to leave thoughts in their head for when they are hating themselves and hope the best
Then i started to go less often, it was not across the street anymore, it was more of an effort, 3 days out drinking is much more complicated when your place is not across the street. I had the apartment we hung out at, so it wasn't as easy as a group, but still get as shitfaced as I could. Alot of the magic started to disappear, the cars were great, but once we were all at my house thats always where we had the most fun. It was safe and we could do whatever we wanted and we could settle down and then go back to the bar at noon. With that gone, chemistry changed, but we still made it work when I did get out there.
Next step when I moved to California, I moved for my husbands job, we are currently divorced, and he has no bearing on any of the decisions I made. This was all for me, he actually fought with me all the time after getting to California where my drinking was the least, suddenly I was an alcoholic. But when I was crazy party girl had no complaints. Always boggles my mind and don't put such effopt into to figuring out his shit, but I knew I had the potential to be an alcoholic, and through this procession, I continued to monitor myself more and more. I have many familiy members dead, alive and surivived, from all different substances. As I got older, I wanted to continue to be safe. But how? I love bars, i love the jukebox, an hole in wall bar is awesome, may sound weird, but its just the right unwinding no frills scene for me. It was a very torn place in my head.
I slowed down alot more and began to like drinking less and less, I wanted it to be something i do not who I am, I realized I had to find a way to maintain this, be as silly as you want, enjoy life, try what you want, I think that is a great thing, I really do enjoy the scene of bars and late nights, I do not want to ever be too far gone to not do it, We are only here once, we have a choice to experience, I firmly believe in that, but take care of yourself as best you could. I am so much more thoughful about what I do, because I do not want to be in a position that I am not in control and it takes over. It almost happened, cocaine and drinking were taking me over, and if i didnt stop, I knew it would take me down. it scared me straight. Now, I only do minimal amounts of drugs, I always make sure I am safe, I am going to take care of myself and my dog and not loose every weekend to a substance. I go to the bar and have two or three beers, but i get my pool or darts in still I can not even tell you how happy I am. I enjoy things without the next day yucks. If I do a drug, I truly can enjoy its effect becuase I have no tolerance to anything. I recommend this harm reduction, and you might not think it is easy, but once you get to a certain point of taking down notch by notch, you will prefer the lifestyle change and it will be the easiest thing to do, wean yourself down to this point, you could see how much more awesome it is. The guilt from missed appointments, missing work, feeling like a jerk and being mad at yourself disappears you feel empowered. And you do not have to give up enjoying the party and its better when you have been anticipating it.
,I have not had a hangover or negative reaction to drugs or alcohol in months. I never do the same thing twice in a row. Please know that I am not preaching I am encouraging this if you can't just do it, but i do think there are more of you out there that can do this and don't believe in yourself enough. I have drug addictions on both side of my family, I had a big chance of it happening to me, but I did it, and I do it and know all of my family that died would be proud. And as for the people I know still alive friends and family, they are always amazed at me, saying how much i chnaged and in shock that I turned it around, This way of living makes every drug you do fun and you never have to give something up and crave, it doesn;t become something that is a big part of your life. It was hard,for me, I didn't really know what to do with myself at first on the weekends, but then i did, i got to try lots of new things. Also, I never wanted to give up anything and go sober, I like to party. Don;t we all?
I never let it interfere with anything. I like enjoying it, not having tolerances, not getting sick. I have wine regularly, but one glass with friend or a beer at the bar. For something special, like tonight, a celebration of something, I will do something illicit, but well within a range. Everything is much better...I also refuse to let a drug make me upset, I educate myself so i know what to expect and i know to always stay calm. I also would not to psychedelics, because I would not have control over a bad trip and that scares me..thats just a personal choice because I can be prone to panic attacks, so trying it is not worth the risk of a bad hallucinatory trip. I know plenty of my friends who love it and who always tel me it is not for me.
My brother was addicted to crack for 15 years. My father died from Heorin. I have many Alocholics in my family. My aunt overdosed on alcohol. My cousin got AIDS from needle sharing and killed himself, my uncle died from heroin. My ex boyfriend has struggled with heroin and methidone programs for at least 10 year. People with addictions are some of my most favorite people in the world. They deserve more love and empathy. No one wants to get to the addiciton part, but it happens so fast. And the rest of their days are struggles, even if they work on becoming clean. I would never judge anyone, but I hope my little story will make someone think about chnaging their lives. Think about how nice it would be to not sit in a forum called the dark side talking about how awful you feel. I wish everyone could be free, I can't even help my friends and family. Just believe you are worth something, we really are our own worst enemies! I do believe addiction is a disease, I do not disregard that and think everyone can do my plan just like that, we are all diiferent...but my brother came off of crack of his own free will after 15 years no rehab, no n/A, just choose life. We all have it inside of us. And know there you are all loved...life is hard. I love you all, be good to yourself. You deserve it
I used to be cocaine weekend warrior for 2 years about 2 years ago. I was a heavy drinker since I have been a teen, alcohol was always my drug of choice and I drank hardcore, i was well known for my drinking, people loved hanging out when I drank there it was always an adventure, then when I started adding blow in my late 20's it made me wild and crazy fun, loved it! We would hang our forever with my friends (always people I knew, good friends to this day) and I fell in love with coke. I had access to coke or a bar or a party with my friends 24/7, footsteps from my front door, and I ran with it.I knew I was standing on the tipping point, I was partying every weekend, I was just going until I culd not go anymore. There was no cahnce Friday was coming around and the gang wouldnt be up doing blow until the last possible minute, and that meant someone finally had to leave and between the group, no one ever wanted to leave. It was fun, until we were at our jobs or at home by yourself hurting emotinally and physically for days. I was standing there oin A sunday morning in my house with my friends and the sun came up, and I said this is it. I have to go, I told my friends this was our last day have fun, I gotta go. So I decided to move a few neighborhoods away closer to my fiance, I had this done in under a week. There was no more waiting. I didn't want that for my life anymore, but of course I still did and missed it. They were some of the best times I had and we really were a group that with or without drugs cared about each other, but we also liked to get fucked up. We are all still friends, some are still where I left them and I love them and hope they wake up, I make an effort to tell them I worry, but I don;t push, you can't help anyone but yourself. I just try to leave thoughts in their head for when they are hating themselves and hope the best
Then i started to go less often, it was not across the street anymore, it was more of an effort, 3 days out drinking is much more complicated when your place is not across the street. I had the apartment we hung out at, so it wasn't as easy as a group, but still get as shitfaced as I could. Alot of the magic started to disappear, the cars were great, but once we were all at my house thats always where we had the most fun. It was safe and we could do whatever we wanted and we could settle down and then go back to the bar at noon. With that gone, chemistry changed, but we still made it work when I did get out there.
Next step when I moved to California, I moved for my husbands job, we are currently divorced, and he has no bearing on any of the decisions I made. This was all for me, he actually fought with me all the time after getting to California where my drinking was the least, suddenly I was an alcoholic. But when I was crazy party girl had no complaints. Always boggles my mind and don't put such effopt into to figuring out his shit, but I knew I had the potential to be an alcoholic, and through this procession, I continued to monitor myself more and more. I have many familiy members dead, alive and surivived, from all different substances. As I got older, I wanted to continue to be safe. But how? I love bars, i love the jukebox, an hole in wall bar is awesome, may sound weird, but its just the right unwinding no frills scene for me. It was a very torn place in my head.
I slowed down alot more and began to like drinking less and less, I wanted it to be something i do not who I am, I realized I had to find a way to maintain this, be as silly as you want, enjoy life, try what you want, I think that is a great thing, I really do enjoy the scene of bars and late nights, I do not want to ever be too far gone to not do it, We are only here once, we have a choice to experience, I firmly believe in that, but take care of yourself as best you could. I am so much more thoughful about what I do, because I do not want to be in a position that I am not in control and it takes over. It almost happened, cocaine and drinking were taking me over, and if i didnt stop, I knew it would take me down. it scared me straight. Now, I only do minimal amounts of drugs, I always make sure I am safe, I am going to take care of myself and my dog and not loose every weekend to a substance. I go to the bar and have two or three beers, but i get my pool or darts in still I can not even tell you how happy I am. I enjoy things without the next day yucks. If I do a drug, I truly can enjoy its effect becuase I have no tolerance to anything. I recommend this harm reduction, and you might not think it is easy, but once you get to a certain point of taking down notch by notch, you will prefer the lifestyle change and it will be the easiest thing to do, wean yourself down to this point, you could see how much more awesome it is. The guilt from missed appointments, missing work, feeling like a jerk and being mad at yourself disappears you feel empowered. And you do not have to give up enjoying the party and its better when you have been anticipating it.
,I have not had a hangover or negative reaction to drugs or alcohol in months. I never do the same thing twice in a row. Please know that I am not preaching I am encouraging this if you can't just do it, but i do think there are more of you out there that can do this and don't believe in yourself enough. I have drug addictions on both side of my family, I had a big chance of it happening to me, but I did it, and I do it and know all of my family that died would be proud. And as for the people I know still alive friends and family, they are always amazed at me, saying how much i chnaged and in shock that I turned it around, This way of living makes every drug you do fun and you never have to give something up and crave, it doesn;t become something that is a big part of your life. It was hard,for me, I didn't really know what to do with myself at first on the weekends, but then i did, i got to try lots of new things. Also, I never wanted to give up anything and go sober, I like to party. Don;t we all?
I never let it interfere with anything. I like enjoying it, not having tolerances, not getting sick. I have wine regularly, but one glass with friend or a beer at the bar. For something special, like tonight, a celebration of something, I will do something illicit, but well within a range. Everything is much better...I also refuse to let a drug make me upset, I educate myself so i know what to expect and i know to always stay calm. I also would not to psychedelics, because I would not have control over a bad trip and that scares me..thats just a personal choice because I can be prone to panic attacks, so trying it is not worth the risk of a bad hallucinatory trip. I know plenty of my friends who love it and who always tel me it is not for me.
My brother was addicted to crack for 15 years. My father died from Heorin. I have many Alocholics in my family. My aunt overdosed on alcohol. My cousin got AIDS from needle sharing and killed himself, my uncle died from heroin. My ex boyfriend has struggled with heroin and methidone programs for at least 10 year. People with addictions are some of my most favorite people in the world. They deserve more love and empathy. No one wants to get to the addiciton part, but it happens so fast. And the rest of their days are struggles, even if they work on becoming clean. I would never judge anyone, but I hope my little story will make someone think about chnaging their lives. Think about how nice it would be to not sit in a forum called the dark side talking about how awful you feel. I wish everyone could be free, I can't even help my friends and family. Just believe you are worth something, we really are our own worst enemies! I do believe addiction is a disease, I do not disregard that and think everyone can do my plan just like that, we are all diiferent...but my brother came off of crack of his own free will after 15 years no rehab, no n/A, just choose life. We all have it inside of us. And know there you are all loved...life is hard. I love you all, be good to yourself. You deserve it
, this was really good. Enjoyed the degree I empathized with your narrative while reading.