Benzos post withdrawal battle.

[barrbaby]

hi everyone. Im in need of some serious advice and/or your success stories if you relate. Ive never posted have always googled them seeking advice so i figured id give it a go because i desperatly need to talk to people going through similar shite.

I took my first xanax bar when i was around 17.. It helped us all get a little more fucked up an took away the hangovers so we could keep going. i started taking lorcets and somas sometimes too buem. I loved the benzos. I worry alot and used to have panic attacks when i was younger so these pills really made life easier for me. My family isnt the kind to put their kid on drugs so i never had a prescription. But i found em, my true love. I kept taking them and continued to drink heavily and started messing around with coke alot.. We would combine the two in the same lines alot to give that speedball kind of effect. Anyways this kind of lifestyle stayed a part of me till about a year ago. I started the quit/relapse process.. Ive been in so many e.r.'s i cant count just because i ran out or my dealer ran out of supply so id start a cold turkey withdrawal and on the 3rd day end up in the er. It has to be over thirty times i have gone through this cold turkey shock to my brain in the past 4 years. I really started heavily taking benzos when i found out my mom was doing heroin and smoking crack. My mom was my best friend and ever since we moved to texas we both just fell apart. We lived in nyc before and i hadnt even heard of xanax. Oddly enough my moms drug use just drove me to taking more drugs because i could cope with having to drive to the ghetto to pick her up when she was strung out and stranded or when she would make me look out the window for hours with her to show me the people outside hiding and watching her.. On pills it was just easier. I was a total functioning addict but at nighttime i got really fucked up. This continued up till last year. This year has been the worst. I have lost a job, got arrested, and wound up in a phsychiatric ward. This has all happened because of rink problem im sure of it. I can handle life just fine when i am on benzos it seems. But when i drink with them all breaks loose, i cut myself, get violent, and just get a taste of pure destruction. Ive attempted suicide a few times. First time being when i was 12 last time being a month ago. I have scars all over my body from stabbing and cutting myself. When i was in the psychiatric ward a month ago, they tried putting me on zoloft but i took it for 3 days and stopped because it scared me. I dont want to become addicted to another pill. I want to move on with my life. I met a great guy who has been so patient with me. I quit drinking and taking drugs but life seems harder. I have only been off of benzos for a month and i cant cope. I have horrible anxiety, i dont sleep right, i have no motivation whatsoever, not even to get up and shower, i have decided to move to another town where my family and boyfriend live, and its not a college party town like the one i live in now. Im hoping that will help but i have a feeling it wont. Im angrier than ive ever been and really really irratable. Definatly depressed but have good and bad days. I cant help but think i should get back on benzos now that i have quit drinking because i can at least get up out of bed, shower, feed myself and pay my bills.

My boyfriend and family dont want me back on them.

What the hell do i do.

 

[barrbaby]

i have also been really confused lately like my brain has just given out on me, i dont know if time post acute withdrawal symptom or damage done by the amount of times i have gone through a cold turkey withdrawal. Which are the scariest times of my entire life. I sometimes cant even understand what people are saying to me i get so confused. Please someone help.

 

[burn out]

Everything you're experiencing is normal for having come off a benzo addiction. I can totally relate. It does get better with time, but it can take a hell of a long time. You just have to be very patient and resign yourself to the fact that life is going to be extremely difficult for the time being. Do not go back on benzos, you have to give your brain a chance to heal. It can take up to 5 years but many people heal more quickly than that. I am almost 2 years off benzos myself and still in pretty bad shape but better than the first month.

 

[suessmayr]

I kicked a long term xanax + valium habit and before that was playing heavily with things like rohypnol and temazepam. I can totally relate to how you are feeling.

I think it may be a mistake to consider anti-depressants and benzodiazepines in the same way. The former are not toxic like the latter. The former are 'addictive' in only a very limited sense, and all but a few of them can be immediately cut without any WD's. Any good psychiatrist will tell you that anti-depressants can be at least as effective for anxiety as benzos can, and they're obviously much more sustainable. I think you would benefit from giving anti-depressants a fair go; many people don't realise that they are indicated for anxiety and depression.

Whatever you decide to do don't forget how far you've come. What you've done is an incredible thing regardless of how you feel right now.

S

 

[barrbaby]

thank you both so much for your kind words... Today was a very hard day but i have hope now... Its good to know im not alone.

 

[wolverhamptonian]

Dont go back on the benzos sweet you like myself have beaten alcholisum which in its self is no walk in the park.I appreciate that benzodiazepines will be longer drawn out process but show some of that inner determination you showed to beat the booze and prove your biggest critic wrong yourself keep the faith good luck sweet!!

 

[MemphisX3]

seek out pschiatric help, try to go to some NA meetings or find a supprt group, atleast consider getting a psychologist so you can work out the feelings that drive you to use bezos in the first place (your mom, etc.)

 

[Pegasus]

It will get better with time. Some days it may not feel like it, but time really is the main thing that will help. Forcing yourself to be active to some degree really helps as well, exercise in particular. If you find yourself getting stressed out, remove yourself from the situation and put yourself in a situation where you can calm down. Your body can't handle stress well at all right now and you need to avoid it as much as possible.

Good luck and stay strong!

 

[mrflowers00]

it does get better with time it just can take years and thats why i still use cause i'm not good at delaying gratification

 

[barrbaby]

Thanks guys.. so excercise really helps? I've also been having weird sleep issues like constantly feeling like there is someone standing over my bed or in the room with me.. or when I'm just about to fall asleep I snap up in an insane panic. I also went and had acupuncture yesterday I told the guy all about what's been going on it was amazing I highly recommend it for those of you that haven't tried it. Its only a temporary fix but a few hours off of stress goes a long way in our cases..

 

[suessmayr]

yeah badly

 

[hazed420]

Frustrating Without.

it does get better with time it just can take years and thats why i still use cause i'm not good at delaying gratification

Im going back onto them for pre-existing conditions, that i had early intervention for and still persists

They make me lethargic and slightly deminish and slow my cognative thought process and take a good toll on my retention.

However its either that or anxiety that is so frustrating that you feel like exploding, reguardless of previous benzo use or not.

Even with coping strategies and a supportive family, somtimes powerful medications are what people (especially those with bi-polar etc etc) have to resort to.

But they must be used sparingly and as a last resort.

 

[ErgicMergic]

To the people that say benzo PAWS takes years, don't listen. You'll feel significantly better in 6 months, and will continue to get better and better. GABA receptors take some time to heal, so let them rest. In valium PAWS i find that even 2 beers will make me kinda hungover for a couple of days after, so i cut out the drink. It's been 50 days since my last Valium and I feel so much better.

 

[OntarioGuy]

I kicked a pretty bad benzo habit a few months ago...Some mornings when I'd wake up feeling shitty I'd eat 10 mg's of alprazolam.I tapered ,first with clonazepam and temazepam,then switched to 1 mg and eventually 0.5 mg's a day of alprazolam.I jumped off at 0.5 mg's of xanax per day and the withdrawal was insane.nothing like I've ever felt,I felt like I was on some kind of dirty hallucinogen.I did kick though,the physical symptoms for me lasted about 3 weeks then started to lessen.I feel more or less normal now,this kick was in January,so about 5 months ago.

 

[ErgicMergic]

^And that's with a large Xanax habit (10/mg a day). I was taking ~40mg Valium, which is equal to 2mg Xanax, a day for 3-4 months, then lower tapered doses (30mg - 1.25mg) 3 months after.

So, it seems like if you have a small benzo habit, you will recover quicker (1-3 months), but if you have a larger one, you will recover slower (5 months like OntarioGuy). But the fact is, your brain will recover, you just have to give it time, and let those receptors rest (no Soma, Alcohol, Benzos, etc).

 

[burn out]

^And that's with a large Xanax habit (10/mg a day). I was taking ~40mg Valium, which is equal to 2mg Xanax, a day for 3-4 months, then lower tapered doses (30mg - 1.25mg) 3 months after.

So, it seems like if you have a small benzo habit, you will recover quicker (1-3 months), but if you have a larger one, you will recover slower (5 months like OntarioGuy). But the fact is, your brain will recover, you just have to give it time, and let those receptors rest (no Soma, Alcohol, Benzos, etc).

lol you were on benzos 3 months and youre telling people not to listen to those of us who say it can take years? wow, how ignorant. try coming off a multi year high dose habit. then it takes years to even notice the smallest improvements sometimes and you are basically disabled.

 

[suessmayr]

I was on benzos for a couple of years and I got clean. It was doable because it was what I wanted.

Please don't get back on benzos; like you said, they fuck your head, your memory and your thinking. They fuck your moods and make you ten times as anxious in the long run, whether you stop taking them or not.

I have read things I wrote, and looked at study annotations from the period during which I was on benzos, and they make NO fucking sense. I look at them and think 'what the fuck was I thinking...this is unintelligible'. They are toxic and severely disable the mind. As soon as I got off them my marks went from passes/credits to distinctions/HD's consistently.

S

 

[burn out]

I agree, they are horrible. Worst drug to be addicted to easily. I won't go back on them (not yet at least) because they do fuck your moods up (among other things) but I just can't the benzo depression and distorted obsessive thinking and mood swings. How long did it take you to recover?

 

[Pegasus]

lol you were on benzos 3 months and youre telling people not to listen to those of us who say it can take years? wow, how ignorant. try coming off a multi year high dose habit. then it takes years to even notice the smallest improvements sometimes and you are basically disabled.

It can take a year or longer to feel all the way normal for some, but this isn't the majority of people. Most people feel much better after maybe one month with some residuals fading over the next few weeks/ months.

Anyone that reads this, don't be afraid to come off because of this, the really intense stage passes in a few weeks, like 3-4 for most people, coming in waves and getting progressively easier over this time.

 

[Vaya]

Hey,

I am 25 years old. I was first prescribed Xanax 0.5mg BID (twice daily) for Generalized Anxiety Disorder shortly after my 15th birthday. Thus, I have been riding the deadly benzodiazepine beast for a decade. What was most unfortunate about this is that, at the time, I was a drug-seeking addict. I did detestable things; I selected the psychiatrist I felt I had the best rapport with and could most easily manipulate. Within six months from that first prescription, I was scripted 4mg/day of Xanax + 3mg of Klonopin/day for sleep. When I became bored with the primary effects of either one of these medications, I would simply request to be switched to the equivalent amount of a different benzodiazepine: Ativan, Valium, Restoril, Halcion, Librium, Serax, and some that I obtained illicitly from overseas vendors that are not prescribed in the United States. To make matters worse I "charmed" ( 8) ) my way into getting prescribed several of the "Z-drugs," such as Ambien and Lunesta. My abuse of the Z-drugs, primarily Ambien, from ages 16-18 left permanent deficiencies in my vision that remain with me today.

But what I am really driving at is the fact that I was on horrendous amounts of these GABAergic anxiolytics/hypnotics/tranquilizers during some of the most crucial periods of brain development in humans (aside from the first several years of life, which takes the lead in that arena).
Because my brain's GABA levels have been consistently and artificially augmented - all day, every day - for ten years, my body became quite accustomed to not having to produce sufficient levels of GABA on its own; 3 years ago when I attempted tapering off of benzo's over a 12-month period with my psychiatrist's supervision using Valium (because of its long half-life), I got down to 2.5mg BID and began having seizures. As far as my (and my doctor's) understanding goes, that is *very* atypical to have seizures with A.) having followed a strict, taper regimen and having still been ingesting benzodiazepines as the seizures began, and B.) having no prior history of seizures myself and no family history of epilepsy. From this sprang my hypothesis (and it is just that, a hypothesis) that my brain did not finish forming properly when it came to producing or modulating sufficient levels of GABA.

But even if we were to remove the early age that I began using benzodiazepines from the equation, benzodiazepine withdrawal can be one of the deadliest drug-induced withdrawal experiences one can go through (as you have no doubt come to realize! Thirty hospitalizations... that simply must have been devastating for you and your family I'm sorry!).

To this day, I still take benzodiazepines. I haven't been (nor wanted to be) prescribed dosages like 4mg Xanax + 3mg Klonopin daily in probably six or seven years. I thought it was neat to be able to pop twenty blue footballs and still remember the entire experience. I grew out of that. But now that I have been using benzo's therapeutically for those 6-7 years, I now just want to get off of them for good, if that is even possible given what happened to me the last time I properly tapered. As far as benzos go, right now I take 1mg Xanax XR 2x/day for panic disorder and 30mg Restoril at night for chronic insomnia.

This is going to be lengthy, but FWIW, I'd like to share several suggestions that may help to answer your original question,

What the hell do I do.

Don't go back to taking the benzo's!!! There have been some excellent and informative responses in this thread by other members of BL. Pooling those together with your own anecdotes regarding the consequences of benzodiazepine dependence, all suggestions point to one, relatively simple fact that often eludes us as we search for ways to find tranquility in our modern rat races: That benzodiazepines, regardless of the short-term therapeutic effects experienced from them, are simply not a good fit for many of us. Would you not agree based on your history with them? Alprazolam in particular is contraindicated in people with anxiety disorders beyond 2-4 weeks of use due to diminishing rates of anxiolysis. Also to be considered with benzodiazepine treatment are the addiction potential (both physiological and psychological), the dangers of combining them with other depressants and the very real dangers (sometimes fatalistic) of developing tolerance leading to benzodiazepine withdrawal syndrome (which can occur even if the dose is properly titrated down with a doctor's help, manifesting as Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome [PAWS]).

Long-term BDZ use was associated with less treatment gain compared with incidental or non-use in all four treatment conditions."

(Van Balkom et al, 1996)

There are other routes.

This paper reviews benzodiazepines, 5-HT1A partial agonists and all classes of antidepressants.

The authors conclude by stating that due to the frequency of comorbid
depression, anti-depressants are preferable to benzodiazepines with SSRIs or SNRIs preferable to TCAs due to the anticholinergic side effects elicited by TCAs, particularly in the elderly.

(Davidson et al, 2001)

SSRI's are gaining popularity as effective anxiolytics, as are certain SNRI's. Because of my physiological disposition to SSRI's, I cannot take them, and SNRI's exacerbate my panic disorder, but I work in a psychiatric hospital and I've seen the wondrous effect they can have on adolescents ages 13-17, as well as in adult patients who were med-seekers, took the Zoloft or Celexa grudgingly, and two weeks later were crying out of sheer thankfulness that they had given those medications a chance. I'm not pitching that they work for everyone; in fact, I would say they work for less than half the people who take them. But they are one option worth discovering. Onward...

Beta-blockers like atenolol and propranolol have shown efficacy in treating both performance anxiety and GAD; do not consider these if you have low blood pressure, however. I have had good experiences with atenolol before.

An alpha-2 adrenergic receptor agonist called clonodine is a popular anxiolytic for those who cannot or do not wish to obtain benzodiazepines. I like clonodine a lot - when I've taken it, it almost feels as if I've taken a benzo.

Buspar is another popular non-benzodiazepine anxiolytic; it works like SSRI's in the sense that it takes a few weeks to determine if its effect is good enough or not, but I know many people who have kicked the benzo habit swear by it.

There's an effective first-generation antihistamine called hydroxyzine, common names are Vistaril and Atarax. Here's the abstract from an interesting article entitled "Use of anxiolytic atarax as a substitutive drug for benzodiazepine tranquilizers" (Avedisova AS, Iastrebov DV. Zh Nevrol Psikhiatr Im S S Korsakova. 2007;107(3):37-41. 1997.)
- - I excised a bunch of statistical data to get on with the main point, btw - -

The study aimed at investigating of efficacy of hydroxyzine (atarax) as a substitutive drug used in case of benzodiazepine tranquilizers (BDT) withdrawal in patients who received BDT for more than 3 months... The results obtained suggest that atarax is worth to be used as a substitutive drug for BDT.

Certain AED (anti-epileptic drug) medications have also become popular for their effects on mediating/treating acute anxiety as well as anxiety disorders. The three I know of (and have tried) are lamitrogine (Lamictal), gabapentin (Neurontin) and pregabalin (Lyrica). Lyrica is approved for GAD in the EU but not here in the states; it is, however, prescribed for anxiety off-label, as are the other two. Neurontin worked wonders when I was prescribed it; Lyrica worked even better, and I use that as an adjunct to the anxiolytic benzo I take now for the panics.

Outside of the pharmacological spectrum, you have a plethora of fantastic therapeutic interventions. Most people want something to kill the anxiety here and now, but too many studies to cite consistently show that these are the *only routes* by which anxiety can be arrested long-term, sometimes even permanently. I am including ones that I myself have tried, in order of efficacy from most to least effective:

ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy)<---I'm engaged in this one right now and L-O-V-I-N-G it!!
CBT (Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy)
DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy)

These are all suggestions, and I really make no assumptions or judgments regarding the severity of your anxiety. For a lot more information and relevant studies regarding anxiety and the various modalities for its treatment, read over the Clinical Guidelines for the Management of Anxiety

Another popular document that finds support from many members of Bluelight who have wanted or who have achieved freedom from benzo's is "Benzodiazepines: How They Work and How To Withdraw[al]," aka the Ashton Manual. It's got some great information, but be aware that it was compiled and written by Professor Heather Ashton who, as I understand it, has a significant bias against benzodiazepine usage at all, whereas I believe they do have their place in medicine and psychiatry, but only within certain parameters and definitely for restricted lengths of time (again, about a month, tops, for they are "band-aid solutions" with extremely dire/deadly consequences if not taken properly!).

There are a couple really great support groups online for people who've had trouble with benzodiazepines, too. These are not places to ask questions about benzos on a Harm Reduction level as we have here on Bluelight. They are dedicated to helping people who have suffered from benzodiazepine addiction (whether physically, mentally, or both) stay off of them. I have visited several of them in the past when I was trying to stop taking benzos, and some of them are great communities. Links to all these can also be found on benzo.org.uk:

BenzoIsland.org
BenzoBuddies.org
Non-Benzodiazepines.org.uk
TheTrap.org.uk (T.R.A.P. or Tranquilizer Recovery and Awareness Place)
BenzoLiberty.com

Anyway, whether or not you decide to continue consuming benzodiazepines is far from my concern. I only hope I have provided you with several different pipelines through which you might channel your anxieties away from you rather than suppressing them with tranquilizers and then ending up hopelessly addicted like I am. And it really can happen, if given enough time. But I will certainly re-visit this thread if the taper, this time, works and I am benzo-free!

All the luck to you!

~ vaya