Post Benzo Blackout Depression - Please Help

[blakout]

Hey all,

Last weekend I acquired some 5mg nitrazepam, 30mg oxazepam and 10mg temazepam primarily to use as sleeping aids. However on Sunday night I distinctly remember taking 2 5mg nitrazepam tablets, with the initial intention of going to sleep, only to remember the next thing me being absolutely fucked up in the middle of the night having taken an unknown, yet probably huge, quantity of the benzos I had with my gf thankfully flushing the rest down the toilet (which at the time made me become aggressive but I'm very, very glad she did it). I put her through hell that night and would do anything to go back and stop myself ever getting the benzos in the first place. I didn't have much of a tolerance to them and needless to say I was quite groggy and forgetful for a couple of days afterward. I assumed the worst effects after blacking out would be anxiety-related issues, but instead I've been incredibly depressed. On Monday I still must've had a lot of nitrazepam in my system (I'm guessing mostly that due to its longer half life) cause at that stage I didn't really give to much of a shit about the whole thing. Once I assume I came clean from the benzos in my system on Tuesday I was seriously contemplating suicide. Thankfully I'm not that bad now, but still lack any feelings of happiness and still feel incredibly guilty about what I've done. The sad thing is before this all happened I was probably the happiest I had been in a long time and I feel like I've thrown it all away. I've blacked out on other drugs before (phenibut and alcohol) and never really thought to much about it, probably because when I blacked out on those I couldn't get up to any mischeif and just had a hell of a hangover to deal with. Although with phenibut once I did wake up on the side of the road which was quite strange, but still being under the influence at the time I woke up I didn't think too much about it.

I'm wondering if anyone else here has had an unfortunate experience with benzos like me and found a way to get through it. I'm not on any prescribed medications, but I do have access to some panadeine forte and tramadol left over from pain prescriptions. I've been iffy about taking any more drugs after that experience although I don't want to depressed any more either. It's certainly the biggest fuck up of my life and my gf has been very depressed after the experience too (she's had ongoing issues with depression before this). I took some duromine earlier today to try and motivate myself to clean up the mess I made in the house but it hasn't given me any of the motivation it normally does. How does one move on from such a bad situation? Would a decent codeine dose (being mindful that I have a low tolerance) get me out of the depression long enough to get a better perspective on life? I'm not worried about the addictive potential of opiates as they've never really been my cup of tea.

Needless to say I'm never touching benzos or even having them in my house again. By far the most evil class of drugs I've tried. I've come to the realization that I have a problem when it comes to redosing GABA-ergic drugs, with the phenibut it's the way too long come up that gets me, with the benzos I can only assume it was the amnesia. Alcohol's gotten me messy many times before too but thankfully the nausea associated with it normally keeps me from having to much.

Any advice that would help me, or my gf, in our depressive states would be a great help. From what I've read benzo experiences similar to mine can happen quite easily, so I hope someone else can shed some light on getting past it. After an experience as bad as this I'm seriously considering giving up all recreational drug use altogether. No drug-fueled experience is worth it for what I'm going through now.

 

[footscrazy]

Don't be too hard on yourself. Many people have blacked out on benzos and done things they later regret - you'll even see evidence on BL from time to time Often though, in a situation like this, you can be not just depressed, but depressed about being depressed. It's human nature to pay attention to things that have invoked a strong emotional response, but if you can, when you're feeling bad try and be mindful, and bring your attention back to the present. Depression can be triggered by regret over the past and anxiety by stressing about the future - and this could be compounding what may be a biochemical depression you're feeling as a result of the drugs. If you can bring your attention back to the present, you can let go of any preconceived ideas of how you should be feeling, and there's no pressure or expectation of how you should be feeling or how quickly you should be feeling it. Try and really focus on what you're feeling in the moment - the physical manifestations of how you're feeling. Then just accept it - you don't need to do anything with the feeling at all, just sit with it.

I have blacked out on benzos before and certainly done things I hugely regret whilst I've been wasted. I find not avoiding the consequences of what you've done helps - put it all out on the table (figuratively) for yourself, because you can overestimate the badness of what you've done if you let it lurk as a half unknown. Did you actually do anything bad, aside from getting too wrecked? If you did you did. Also, it helps to try and think of everything as a learning experience. Every situation can have a positive if you take something from it. Make this experience worth something.

I don't want to diminish the extent of your feelings at all so I apologise if it comes across like I'm simplifying things. But I don't think things are irrevocably ruined for you. Have a chat to your girlfriend too, and see where she's at, and maybe think about what you both want to see happen from this. I wouldn't recommend taking more drugs to deal with this though. Taking drugs to change a negative mindset is a really bad habit to start getting in to, because what if it works? It becomes a very appealing solution. All the best.

 

[blakout]

I don't think you were oversimplifying things, I think you just said exactly what I needed to hear. Even just reading that now I feel noticeably better, no point dwelling on my mistakes and moping about them. And you are right, I didn't do anything that out of line apart from getting totally wasted and yelling at my gf for taking the benzos away - it's mostly how I made her feel that makes me feel guilty about the situation, I care far more about her well being than my own. I'm glad I never got the idea to leave the house or go driving, then the consequences may have been far far worse. I guess the not knowing exactly how I was made it seem much worse - my mind I think was subconciously filling in the blanks with the worst things I could imagine - before this experience I'd read some horror stories about how aggressive some people can become on benzo ODs (I have had a bad experience with clonazepam making me angry before (I'm a very calm person normally, I find it strange that sedating drugs can have such paradoxical effects on aggression), but not at a dose that gave me total amnesia) so I assumed I'd been acting like a monster, when in reality, everything in the house was pretty much the way it was, just a bit messy. I still really don't like the idea that I had no conscious control over my actions though, it scares the shit out of me. I'd rather be completely out of my mind on a psychedelic than blackout like that again, at least then I know I'm tripping and can act accordingly.
This most certainly will be a learning experience for me, there have only been a couple of occassions where my drug use has made me take a step back and learn to give them the respect they deserve, when I took DOI (that is one very strong, and very strange drug) and whatever benzo cocktail I ended up taking. I've spent today reading up on other benzo ODs here on bluelight and it sounds like people have done far far worse than what I've done, I'll just be thankful that I learnt my lesson without going TOO overboard. Also from what I read benzo WDs are absolute hell so I'm glad my time spent with them was short.
Thank you so much for putting things in perspective, I think what you said about getting depressed about being depressed was very true in my situation. I've been in a similar situation years ago where my anxiety just drove me to be more anxious to the point where I couldn't even function, and funnily enough at the time I thought the only that would help me was benzos (ironic, huh?), yet I got completely past it without resorting to treating it with drugs, just taking a step back and re-examining my thoughts logically (did it make any logical sense to be anxious about X, Y or Z?) - it wasn't an instant fix but I've never had to deal with anxiety like that ever again (of course I still get anxious from time to time, it's a normal and healthy feeling to have in certain situations). And now I've managed to get through this depressive state without resorting to drugs either, thanks in large part to your help. I don't feel quite back to my old self, but I do feel tremendously better and have a far better outlook on life.

 

[blakout]

Now that I come to think about it, I've had blackouts before from benzos with alcohol, which has always gotten me into trouble. I blamed it on tramadol before, probably because I remember taking a bunch more than I should(I went well past the 400mg/day for seizure risk, very dumb behavior) but there was definitely some alprazolam taken that day.
I always used to take drugs primarily to lower my inhibitions, now I actually value them a lot more. I might still have a cone every now and then and the odd trip but I think I'm done with getting fucked up just for the sake of getting fucked up. Way more trouble than it's worth, and it'll probably save me a few bucks as well

 

[blakout]

I've been focussing on my health today which I have neglected pretty badly for about a week, was eating shit food or not at all, barely drinking anything (the colour of my piss this morning was a wake up call to how dehydrated I was), didn't leave the house in days except for smokes (nothing gets in the way of a nicotine habit lol) but today I pushed myself to go out and exercise and got some good ol' fruit and veg, tossed some in a blender with cacao powder, tyrosine and coconut water and fuck me some good nutrition can do you wonders. I'm feeling much better now (tyrosine or some combination of something else is actually making me feel kinda high and euphoric) but it's my gf that I'm worried about. I'm trying to help her as best I can with her depression, as I feel directly responsible for it, and after getting her to get up and exercise with me she has been better and a lot more active. Basically my plan of attack is to keep her eating/drinking well, keep her active and try to engage her in creative activities and encourage more social interaction. She is getting better, but I'd like to see her happier still. I've never been so determined to do something about it for her, so I'm glad this experience has pushed me to really do something about it. I think I have a tendency to dwell on the negatives, instead of thinking how I can turn them into positives. I just hope I can get her well enough by tomorrow when I'll be at work all day and she'll be on her own so she doesn't slip back into wanting to constantly sleep because life's too boring.

I'm not so worried anymore about any damage I've caused myself, I've gone through much unhealthier, longer drug binges than that one. Nothing my body can't repair in time (if it hasn't already). Long, uninterrupted sleep has been a little hard to come by last couple of nights (I slept quite a lot Monday and Tuesday) but diphenhydramine has done the trick for at least getting me some sleep. Will switch to a more natural alternative tonight.